lamb sirloin...smells delicious from here!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Ok awed thank you so for being willing to chat because I just don't see how you do it between Kung fu and grad applications. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">grad app is in and done...except for the waiting <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ...and kung fu is only 2 nights a week...plus I do situps and pushups to make me big and strong! I can do those anytime...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> maybe I'm deafening my ears when they should be open.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">do not do this...if something upsets you, look at why that is...usually a sore point means that you really should do some more exploring...sometimes it doesn't mean anything other than you are feeling touchy!
and hey...this is crap...no doubt about it...we've been handed crap on a plate instead of lamb sirloin! no wonder we're so grouchy hmmmm?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One time you posted tp me to try to see things from other perspectives and not to be confined to seeing things one way. Maybe it is actutally time for me to try this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">gosh...you didn't listen to something I said??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Seriously though, yes, try it...it will literally change your life free...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have tried it some but I guess I still feel that I'm still the one paying.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">this unfortunately will continue for a long time yet...why are you doing this program? write down your reasons and keep them in mind...
for me? As reparation for the damage I inflicted on someone I love dearly...because someone I love dearly is in trouble and walking away would not feel right to me, would not sit square with my conscience...because I have come to believe with all my heart that I will suffer no matter what I do (staying or leaving)...therefore I choose the path of direct healing AND possible M reconciliation...rather than the "simple" path of walking away and healing in bitterness and anger...
and I am growing and learning immensely during this time...it is my MLC too so perhaps this is only appropriate...I will not be the same...I AM not the same already as the person I was last year...and I know my future shines much much brighter as a result of these changes...it is already happening...
I am doing it for me, because of me...
why are you doing it?
If it is your choice to do so, then accept your choice graciously and lean into it passionately...do not expect results from your H because he makes his own choices...you hope for the changes you are looking for...you cannot force them...
the book I rant on and on about does an excellent job of nailing down perspectives...
here's one I read yesterday somewhere else:
everytime you say "I can't..." change it to "I won't..." </font>
- <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't stop LBing my H because he makes me so mad...
I can't stop thinking obsessively about my H and what he's up to...
I want to stop thinking about the A but I can't...</font></li>
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
We've heard these kinds of statements over and over here at MB...how different is it when we change perspective? </font>
- <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I won't stop LBing my H because he makes me so mad...
I won't stop thinking obsessively about my H and what he's up to...
I want to stop thinking about the A but I won't...</font></li>
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Who's in the driver's seat? What a simple way to change your perspective. To feel in control...and that WILL make you feel better in the long run...people may resist taking control over their own behaviours and emotions (isn't that what we accuse the WS of doing???), but nevertheless free: you are the ONLY one in control...
How do you want to live your life? Feeling resentful towards your H? Or happy with yourself even though you are doing more of the work on your R?
Perspective...give it some thought...it may truly change your life forever...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I've paid for a while now. So my frustration tolerance is rather low. This is tough love that I'm not used to. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">the hardest thing...no one would choose this...we have to live the life we are given though...and change the things we can...accept the rest...
I'd like to challenge you to imagine worse...can you? I can...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm trying to see it differently. And for the record I'd like to say that My H isn't all bad. He has some good sides. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">how many sides does he have? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> syaing I was right and H is wrong. Why did I need you to say that. I don't know. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">free: we are not mind-readers either...if you want affirmation...come here and say it...otherwise you are likely to get constructive criticism...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But I've put myself at such a point of resistance that I haven't been listenng or reading maybe as much as I should be. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">good for you...recognizing that YOU put yourself there...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your concern is in the way I want to handle getting the M back on track right?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">correct
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Am I setting myself up for heartbreak because I don't want to do SF? Is the concern that my H will feel that I am rejecting and go to another or feel justified in having another A because I'm not meeting this EN? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes of course, but also that you are working against your own goals of a happy M...you won't get there through taking...and of course your taker is screaming right about now...what about ME!@!!!!!!
Read the book free...see if it helps...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If this is the case isn't it possible for us to work with each other without it? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">somebody has to lead...if it is an important EN for him, then you need to provide it...read the book...this is a very common problem between men and women...she has some good suggestions...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> because my H isn't saying it that he isn't feeling rejection?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">good observation...he may well not say anything...often men don't...but it doesn't mean that they are not feeling it...and feeling it as rejection which then ties into a whole lot of trouble in the psyche...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So I'm trying to set boundaries for what I can control but I'm not right in doing so. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you are right...this is not about right and wrong...it is about getting what you want...isn't that a good thing?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Ok what as it pertains to my perspective if all I want is for us to be close not for me to hurt him but for us both to grow closer then how is my perspective wrong?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">it is not wrong...it is about the best way to go about it...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I understand what you were saying about the lady and her H. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure you do...what I was trying to demonstrate is that our perspective is what determines how we feel and subsequently how we act...we think we're operating on logic and fact, but it just isn't so...and that is why perspective is key to our emotions and actions...changing our perspective can change our lives...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know this is true so I try to focus on treating my H better with respect and trying to let go of anger that would have me on any given day throw an object at him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">this is a good thing too!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> SO that we are communicating. I guess trying to meet other ENs because maybe I can go around about to get to what I'm trying to </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that's the ticket exactly...you give to get if you know what I mean...and sure, you may decide to quit later on...but you and I know that that time is not now...so work towards what you truly want...instead of letting your taker sabotage all your good efforts to date...
hope this helps...awed
<small>[ March 11, 2004, 08:11 AM: Message edited by: awed18 ]</small>