In January 2002 the company I was working for moved to another state and offered me a position there which I declined thinking I could get something here. This was the best job ever. I had recieved a nice severance pay so we spent some time going on trips and enjoying ourselves. When I began looking for a job nothing happened. I became frustrated and eventually depressed. I finally took a sales job in October 2002 and did that for 6 months and quit in April 2003. The next month, May, my Dad went into the hospitol for heart surgery. In June he died of complications in ICU. A week later I finally got a job in the field I have training in but making less than half what I was making before.

Then in July my wife left me and filed for divorce saying she couldn't handle my depression. She had been seeing a married man she met at work since October 2002. I had some indications that she might be having an affair, working late and not taking time to be together, but did not believe she would do this because she seems to be so Godly. She listens to praise music and thinks of her job as a ministry. This is her third marriage. The first one she did the same thing, she had a year long affair with a married man and divorced her husband but the OM went back to his wife. Her second marriage was with an impotent man who was very angry as you can understand.

In September the OM went back to his wife so WW calls me. We had two wonderful weeks together and she was planning on comming back home. She even stopped the divorce procedings, But something happened. She said she loved me as a good friend only and not as a husband. The woman she is living with is a three time divircee and hates men and sex and is a bad influence. There were also other women that told her of horror stories about going back to their husbands. My wife is very influenced by others. She met a pastor that told her that since she had already started divorce procedings that she should go through with it. Others have told her that she can get the divorce and ask God for forgivness and then have a ministry.

The pastor suggested that we spend two weeks not communicating. At the end of the two weeks I did not hear from her until the following Sunday. She said she wanted to meet and talk about us. I asked her if she was still seeing the OM and she said she had called him twice so I said I have nothing to talk about as long as she is stilling seeing him But if she wanted to talk we could. She said she would call me the next day. After I hung up I decided to call his BW. We compaired notes and she suggested that I write WW a love letter which I did. The next day, Monday, I called the BW and she suggested that I go see WW unannonced and give her the letter. WW seemed glad to see me and talked for three hours. When I brought her back to her house I asked her who's vehicle was there. She said it was the OM's. WW said he was there for dinner. It was 10:00 pm. After I left, the phone that she returned rang and it was the BW. She was looking for the OM so I told her. OM had to leave and WW got very angry and blamed me so she is now proceding with the divorce. I asked if the OM went back to the BW what would she do? She said she would be single.

What do I do? I am not calling or communicating with her at all. Is there any hope? Why can't I just let her go? If she did it once she will do it again, right?

Opti,

I usually don't come over to this board, as I am the FWW, and we are neither in Plan A or B, but trying to recover.

First, let me reassure you from most of the posts that I have read here that her response to you is simply from anger. So far, she has had the freedom to continue being with OM, and now that freedom has been taken away. Part of the "reality" setting in. Things are not as "easy" for her as they once used to be......

Will she go through with the D? Maybe. She might be inspired out of her anger. But my guess is that as the reality of it gets closer, she will start to reevaluate her situation.

Actually, I think you are doing the right thing. At this moment, you need to let her little "fantasy world" crumble around her. Obviously you and the OM's W want to save your M's. This is a very noble, respectable, and unselfish thing. It is also a professation of your love for her. The reality of it is that neither of your are going to "allow" your WSs to cake-eat. Good move.

Is there hope? Always. If she did it once, will she do it again? I'm going to venture a "No" on that. And before you chalk all of that up to the fact that I am the FWW, know this: I believe a person can truly learn from their mistakes. If she is willing (once all this "drama" is over) to look within herself, and within the M to identify what was missing, and to work on correcting all that.....then chances are probably less that she will do it again.

From my own experience....I see the pain I have caused. Both for OM, OM's family, myself, and most importantly, my H. It is my job to really look at myself, and discover the why's. I will use that education, as well as the things I have learned from these boards, books, and MC/IC to rebuild myself, my M, and prevent anything like this happening again.

Are there serial cheaters? Yes....but I truly think they are that because they haven't taken the time to be honest with themselves and admit to their own shortcomings.

I wish you the best of luck.......

What was it that brought you back?

Oh, the million dollar question....

A combination of things. The reality of seeing again that my H really wanted me (I had the classic case of not thinking he really loved or wanted me)....Realizing that I didn't want to leave my H, but knowing I couldn't go on like that forever....Knowing the A wasn't right, and allowing myself to quit suppressing those guilty feelings....

Honestly, the biggest thing, though, was having moments where my H and I connected again. Seeing that he enjoyed being with me again. That we could find happiness with each other. You see, I had just lost all hope - I gave up. I thought he had given up 3 months before my A - so I then gave up.

But I also ended it on my own, and then confessed to my H. So it may be a little different for your W.

The hardest part to accept is that many WSs have to find out for themselves that the A is not the "fantasy" that they thought. You see, in reality, when the "spark" wears off, and reality sets in, they will realize they just traded one set of problems for another.

You see, the issue is her right now. She is in selfish mode, and only SHE can bring herself out of it. I still think you are doing the right thing not communicating with her. And in the meantime, you should focus on you. You need to prepare for the possibility that she may not continue this M. Does that mean that there is no hope? Of course not. But it does mean that you need to work on yourself, and find your own happiness as well.

I don't think every WS is a serial cheater. For some of us, it takes intricate recipes to create the A. For others, though, it is purely a selfish indulgence. It takes a lot of introspection to explore, discover, admit, and resolve the internal issues which make us choose the A over more healthy options. And it takes 2 strong people to beat an A. You have to be strong...but so does your W. If she does start to come back, you need to make sure that she has learned something from it. Why she did what she did. What in her life has predisposed her to this flawed decisionmaking. The questions go on and on.

Have pride in yourself, and know that you will not tolerate her behavior with the OM. But also be ready if she decides to come back and needs support to work on herself.

Good luck, Opti

I think I have blow it! After reading about "How to survive an affair I realize that I have been critical and correcting as before. I think that is the real reason why she left me and now it may be too late as WW is proceding with the D. WW was concerned that I would hate her but I don't. I love her but I think I have made too many lovebank withdrawals to recover. I am not calling her and it is probably "out of sight out of mind". I really want her back but I believe it is too late.

My mood swings are under control as I am taking an antidepressant now. I sometimes feel that I should call her but figure that for her it is over. We had a lot of problems during our marriage. Whenever we would have a disagreement she would freeze up and not contribute. Nothing got resolved. I feel guilty for what I have done to hurt the marriage and don't feel I have a right to try to get her back. Maybe it is best that she find someone else.