In January 2002 the company I was working for moved to another state and offered me a position there which I declined thinking I could get something here. This was the best job ever. I had recieved a nice severance pay so we spent some time going on trips and enjoying ourselves. When I began looking for a job nothing happened. I became frustrated and eventually depressed. I finally took a sales job in October 2002 and did that for 6 months and quit in April 2003. The next month, May, my Dad went into the hospitol for heart surgery. In June he died of complications in ICU. A week later I finally got a job in the field I have training in but making less than half what I was making before.

Then in July my wife left me and filed for divorce saying she couldn't handle my depression. She had been seeing a married man she met at work since October 2002. I had some indications that she might be having an affair, working late and not taking time to be together, but did not believe she would do this because she seems to be so Godly. She listens to praise music and thinks of her job as a ministry. This is her third marriage. The first one she did the same thing, she had a year long affair with a married man and divorced her husband but the OM went back to his wife. Her second marriage was with an impotent man who was very angry as you can understand.

In September the OM went back to his wife so WW calls me. We had two wonderful weeks together and she was planning on comming back home. She even stopped the divorce procedings, But something happened. She said she loved me as a good friend only and not as a husband. The woman she is living with is a three time divircee and hates men and sex and is a bad influence. There were also other women that told her of horror stories about going back to their husbands. My wife is very influenced by others. She met a pastor that told her that since she had already started divorce procedings that she should go through with it. Others have told her that she can get the divorce and ask God for forgivness and then have a ministry.

The pastor suggested that we spend two weeks not communicating. At the end of the two weeks I did not hear from her until the following Sunday. She said she wanted to meet and talk about us. I asked her if she was still seeing the OM and she said she had called him twice so I said I have nothing to talk about as long as she is stilling seeing him But if she wanted to talk we could. She said she would call me the next day. After I hung up I decided to call his BW. We compaired notes and she suggested that I write WW a love letter which I did. The next day, Monday, I called the BW and she suggested that I go see WW unannonced and give her the letter. WW seemed glad to see me and talked for three hours. When I brought her back to her house I asked her who's vehicle was there. She said it was the OM's. WW said he was there for dinner. It was 10:00 pm. After I left, the phone that she returned rang and it was the BW. She was looking for the OM so I told her. OM had to leave and WW got very angry and blamed me so she is now proceding with the divorce. I asked if the OM went back to the BW what would she do? She said she would be single.

What do I do? I am not calling or communicating with her at all. Is there any hope? Why can't I just let her go? If she did it once she will do it again, right?

She is doing you a favor by filing for divorce. She will go from one husband to another and repeat the same pattern of behaviour. She will blame her husbands for her unhappiness. You are getting rid of a person who is screwed up.

Yosh, I know you are probably right and logically I know I should let her go, I just don't want to be single again. I was single for 13 years after my first divorce while I raised my son by myself and dated a lot but I really wanted to settle down and just be married. I am 54, my son is 24 and getting ready to go to Iraq in February and I want some stability in my future. Obviously it won't be with WW.

opti,
wanting to save one's marriage is always admirable...but here is where my opinin differs with that of many others around here...NOT FOR JUST ANY REASON AND NOT AT ANY COST!

if the only reason you want to save your marriage is because you're afraid to be alone again then i think you need to get yourself a strong shot of intestinal fortitude from some one somewhere. my G-D man...get yourself a back bone!

if the only reason your W is willing to come home is so that she has a place to "cheat" from what are you buying into except more heartache?

coach

Opti:

"She had been seeing a married man she met at work since October 2002."

Is it just me, or did this coincide with the onset of your depression? She runs 2 easily.

"she seems to be so Godly. She listens to praise music and thinks of her job as a ministry. This is her third marriage."

Clearly, she's not "godly". That's not 2 say that she can't be, but this isn't godly behavior.

"In September the OM went back to his wife so WW calls me. We had two wonderful weeks together and she was planning on comming back home. She even stopped the divorce procedings, But something happened."

She also fence-sits better than most cake eaters on the planet.

"She said she loved me as a good friend only and not as a husband. The woman she is living with is a three time divircee and hates men and sex and is a bad influence."

2 people like her, and your W for that matter, M's are throw-away things. Compound this with your insecurities, and you're setting yourself up for another big disappointment.

"There were also other women that told her of horror stories about going back to their husbands."

I'm sure there were. It says a lot about your W's inability 2 make friendships with people who VALUE marriage.

"My wife is very influenced by others."

And she'll stay that way until she learns 2 think for herself.

"She met a pastor that told her that since she had already started divorce procedings that she should go through with it. Others have told her that she can get the divorce and ask God for forgivness and then have a ministry."

And I'm sure that there are still others out there that would tell her that she could BE God, if she works at it. This stuff makes me want 2 puke.

"The pastor suggested that we spend two weeks not communicating."

The pastor is a twit and a fool. And he's meddling with YOUR life.

"

"What do I do?"

What do you WANT 2 do? Whatever you decide, you NEED 2 work on your self-confidence and establish some boundaries and STICK with them. Don't let your W run all over you like this. Get rid of the pastor and get someone qualified 2 help you with your marital problems, preferably someone who is PRO marriage. This goofball is not, or at best he's very uninformed and thinks he knows what he's talking about (a very dangerous combination for you).

"I am not calling or communicating with her at all. Is there any hope?"

There is hope. For YOU. Never mind her right now. You need 2 become an emotionally healthy individual before you can rebuild or start another relationship.

"Why can't I just let her go?"

I don't know, but it's good you're asking yourself this. Because, no matter what you do, no matter what happens, you need 2 be able 2 let go anyway. If you can, you can either rebuild this marriage (pretty broken, though) or have a healthy R with someone else.

"If she did it once she will do it again, right?"

A safe assumption, until she demonstrates otherwise. And with a history like hers, that's going 2 take quite a long time.

I wouldn't be willing 2 wait around, but I'm not you.

-2long

I think I have blow it! After reading about "How to survive an affair I realize that I have been critical and correcting as before. I think that is the real reason why she left me and now it may be too late as WW is proceding with the D. WW was concerned that I would hate her but I don't. I love her but I think I have made too many lovebank withdrawals to recover. I am not calling her and it is probably "out of sight out of mind". I really want her back but I believe it is too late.

My mood swings are under control as I am taking an antidepressant now. I sometimes feel that I should call her but figure that for her it is over. We had a lot of problems during our marriage. Whenever we would have a disagreement she would freeze up and not contribute. Nothing got resolved. I feel guilty for what I have done to hurt the marriage and don't feel I have a right to try to get her back. Maybe it is best that she find someone else.

I talked to WW today and she has not gone forward with the D and will not until January. Thinks the holidays are a bad time to do this. I asked to see her and she agree to see me Thursday at the house after work. She seemed distant and detached as though there is no feelings left for me. I asked if she would go to counceling with me and she said no. I don't know if she is seeing the OM but I don't think she is. What should I do when she comes over Thursday? I plan on being strong, reflecting her feelings and not arguing. I am courious why she is now persuing the D now and not earlier. I wonder if she is still angry about the OM leaving. Any advice would be appreciated.