I found a cell phone in my WH briefcase tongiht while he is out...he has been caught before calling her on our home phone and I confronted him about it. It was after I found out about the A. I finally was feeling as if maybe we were getting somewhere...but of course I had to check the call log and it has been used to call her and an ATNY!!! Now I am freaked out!!! I have planted myself firmly in Plan A for over 2 weeks now. We have only been dealing with this a little more than a month... I'm afraid of what all this means...Of course I amnot even sure if it is his phone or hers...or a work phone...I just don;t know what to do about it...Do I confront him??????
And if so how do I hold it all together without LB!!!

HELP!!!

Oh, I'm so sorry this happened. It seemed like everything was going well for you. But there are always lots of ups and downs. My H had a cell phone that I didn't even know about. That was how he and OW kept in contact without me finding out. The bill went to his brother's house. I don't know if you should confront him or not. It will be hard to do without LBing. And he will probably come up with some lie. Sorry I can't be of more help, maybe someone else here has some ideas. I'll be thinking of you and hoping things are okay.

Still,
Hold on before you freak out. Though this seems to be working against you, especially when things seemed to be going well it may not.
Try to use what you've learned to your advantage. And also you don't want to tip your hand about what you are discovering.
If you have caller ID call your home with the cell to find out what the cell # is or look in the phone for this info. Then call the cell co. if listed on it. If cell co has an automated system input your info and see if it belongs to your husband.
Though the call to an ATNY seems scary maybe you can actually find out something to help you along. Yes, it is easier said than done you don't want to LB. Remember what you hope to achieve in Plan A. You want the marriage and yourself to be a more attractive option.
Maybe it looks a little bleak right now but hold on to hope. I wish you the best and hope everything works out in your favor. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I held back.....I called him at his Grandmothers house to come home at about 9:30 and he was home by 9:45...they had been bowling together for the evening...anyway...I asked him to sit and talk with me...I asked him how he was feeling...and he said he felt a little sick maybe something he ate LOL...Not what I meant and he knew it as soon as he said it LOL. He said he still didn't know. But that he felt that I had made a lot of positive changes that were nice but that some of them are not in effect yet...like my schedule changing and some of them he just isn't sure to believe they are forever changes. I can see that. I told him that I feel the work being done is all one sided...that I appreciate the little things he is doing but that I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time and that my mind is racing. I just can't stop thinking. I can't sleep. I just can't compartmentalize it and go on. I did really well...you would be proud...I didn't yell, accuse...belittle. (I did cry a little at the end but it was controlled and calm) But I didn't confront him about the cell phone either. I told him that I had been to the doctor and she had been concerned and put me on some medication to try to even out my nerves.
I told him it is like being on a roller coaster...one day or even one minute I feel fine then the next it is the exact opposite. I did get him to look me in the eye and tell me that it is over with her. He told me that he couldn't see how him looking me in the eye and saying the words would make any difference being that all this time he has been lying to my face about the A. But I told him that I believe that a person can not look someone straight in the face and lie. But I guess that is my optomistic side talking. So he told me what I wanted to hear...
I think he is still so deep in the fog that he doesn't even know.

I left him with a copy of After the Affair and a copy of the EN questionnaire to fill out. He said he would not make any promisses...I told him that it was important to make the effort to see what I was going through without me having to detail it to him. And that maybe he would see some similarities in the WS descriptions in the book.

He will not say he loves me....He says he is not sure he does anymore. Still the fog right???
I sure hope it lifts quickly. I need to see the sunlight.

I told him againt hat he needs to seek a IC to help him sort out all his feelings about what has happened...I wish he would go but I can't make him do it...

freetobe---I wrote down the cell phone number...and I called it from my home phone to see if it had voice mail. It did not. What kind of info would I need to find out who it does belong to?
Thanks for your help!

Good job - you are doing really well. Hopefully your meds will kick in and help you through this very difficult time. But I'm proud of you because I know how hard it is. Hang in there and keep doing what you are doing.

I can't believe I didn't think to call MY house from the phone to see if the caller ID would pick up the owner...I had to leave to come to work after we talked...actually ended up about 5 minutes late and a mess by the time I got here...By the time I get home in the morning he will be ready to go to work...I probably wont have time to try that...but I will check to see if it is there again...

Do you think I am crazy for still thinking that he could tell me the truth??? I also asked him tonight if he had contacted and ATNY...he said no...and that he couldn't afford to. I am wondering if it is her phone...I was looking at dialed calls and if she loaned him the phone her calls would be on there and there were a lot of calls to people I did not recognize. Maybe it was her calling her ATNY??? She is in the middle of finalizing her D. Maybe I just want it to be not true.

Who knows anymore....
I asked him if he was staying for the kids only...and he said no. He wanted to see if this could work out. But he is not as optomistic as I am. Meanwhile I am a wreck and hanging on by a thread looking for any sign of security.

OK...this morning I got to leave work early...acted like I needed a copy of his resume and he got one out for me then said he had it on file and could just download it for me to use for reference for mine...so as he was putting it on the computer I got in his bag and pulled out the cell phone...he said it belonged to someone at work and he was supposed to be tryig to fix the battery..it will not hold a charge...LOL Like I think I know better but I let it drop...I didn;t get a chance to call my home from it. But you better bet I will be watching for it to be there again. I stayed as calm as I could...didn't accuse. I feel like S**T...
How do I figure out who it really belongs to?

Hang in there, you're doing better than most. If you have to know who the phone belongs to, you can get the information from phonebust.com for $65.00. It takes about 3 days. All you need is the number. But before you do this, ask yourself what you are going to gain. You already know he is not being honest with you. I would guess that it is her phone. But be careful about being trapped into excessive investigation. Listen to me, wish I could follow my own advice. I just couldn't believe that my WH was lying to me, even though I caught him over and over. He denied it so sincerely that I believed him. All it did was push me into a rage. I think you already know enough to see that you need to be in Plan A. It is extremely hard without finding out about more deception. Try to settle down and prepare for a long battle. You're doing very well so far and you need to give yourself credit for that. Remember that you have a plan to make your marriage better than it has ever been, and 90% of WS's do come back. HUGS to you, don't give up.

well...here I am awake again...only able to sleep a few hours after working all night. Tonight I will try again to take something to help me sleep and hope for the best. I look and feel like H**L
He called me just before I went to lay down this morning and told me that the OW found a new job and will be giving notice...I'm hoping that this will make NC SOOOO much easier. He will mourn and pout but I can make it!! I am stronger than this...I am stronger than this...I am stronger than this...Maybe if I keep saying it over and over I will believe it. Thanks for being in my corner! I agree thta I have more info on my plate right now than I can deal with and I am just going to assume it is her phone. There were other things on that zip disk that he had that shocked me and I can't even go there... TMI...


believer---Thanks for being there for me!!!
Sometimes I need the voice of reason...

I think the best choice is to stay in Plan A and not investigate further. It's too stressful already. If OW gets another job, that will make things so much easier. Is there any way that you and H can go for a mini vacation? Sometimes just getting away together can make a big difference. Keep on keeping on. You are doing great!

Still,
I have to 2nd what believer says about excessive investigation. It has gotten me so preoccupied at times that I miss the point of working on the R. It sounds as if you are making headway and I wish you even more success.

I have some days when I don't investigate...and others when it is all I can think about....I had a panic attack at work last night when i could not get through on our phone line for over 30 minutes...I just got a bad feeling that as soon as I went out the door to work he had contacted her or she him...When I did get through he said he found the phone off the hook...and I cried...I told him my fears that everytime I leave the house he is in contact with OW...I told him I was afraid that the cell phone was used to call her so I would not know about the calls. It is the same everytime...he gets defensive and tells me that he can't imagine how I will ever trust him again...

I think that if he acted like he cared about me I may feel better...but as it is he doesn't care about me. He says that our marriage was over for him a long time ago and we would have to start completely over. He says he doesn't love me. It is all so hurtful. He insistes that he is trying...going to MC and paying attention to the changes I have made...but to be honest most of the changes I have made are positive for me and were more to make me feel better than him...I have worked out a plan around the house to get the work done by myself...initially to see if I COULD do it all...and then found that I liked it better the new way...And have been baking and cooking more and different things...we were in a rut of the same old same old... I have been wearing make-up again...just makes me feel better about me to cover up the dark circles...One negative thing is that I have been sleeping less to be able to spend time with him and the kids...I had been in that routine before and quit...now I am back to it again. I don't know...
Do you think it is still the fog???I need some signs of caring from him to be able to heal...and he needs me to trust him in order to care...it seems like we are at a stalemate. Any ideas?????
I am not sure my anti D's are working...a friend I work with said she didn't think they were...I don't know if she is a better judge seeing me from an outsiders perspective or not. I have an appointment Thursday at the doctors...

Hope everyone had a better Thanksgiving than I did.

I had a nice Thaksgiving in spite of my H spending it away (aww, the benefits of Plan B). Sounds like your H is still in the fog. Mine was telling me our M was good, and that he loved me right up until the day he took off with OW. I was his soulmate one week and the next week it was her. Eight years down the drain for someone he had only know a month. Of course "she is a wonderful women, a good woman". Hmmm. She cheated on her partner while he was defending our country. She left her home and 12 year old daughter to live with my H. Fog, fog, fog. Stay in Plan A as long as possible, but get to Plan B if you start losing your love. Also see Too Much Coffee Man's list about not talking about your relationship during this, and not "chasing" and begging. Good luck, and remember, most come back to the marriage.

I'm glad you were able to enjoy your day!!
I think that I need to pull back and become more independant..I can't find that post you refered to.
Right now I feel strong...but I falter so often...I feel really sick today. Nauseated worse than I have been and sore throat. I have actually been feeling nauseated ever since this came about over a month ago. I know we are early in this process...I just sometimes wish I was still in denial about the whole thing. I wish I could have just made changes and made him love me again...instead of confronting him. Does that sound crazy. All this hurt just doesn't seem fair. Especially since he just doesn't seem to be hurting at all. I think he conpartmentalizes it all. I am just not good at that.

I have things to do..but just realized that they include shopping and you know what day it is LOL!!! I don't think I can bear the mall traffic.

If you can find that post or know what thread at least please let me know. I need all the help I can get.

Still you seem to be doing a great job as far as avoiding all love busters. Keep up the good work.

You may be interested in implementing Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

A succesful MB member of the 180 degree list was Carolkh story and I highly recommend to you.

I can see doing some of the things on the list....but I'm not sure I can do them all at once. I am going to focus on being more independant and not doing as many of the things on the list as I can...but it will be hard. What about Christmas???? Do I not buy him a gift??? Sounds weird...but I always get him something and he has not gotten me anything in years... But I hate not giving him something.

Stillholdingon - Look at Too Much Coffee Man's list. He is an expert. Work on these items. Don't worry yet about Chistmas. I still think your marriage is one that can make it. You need to slow down and take care of yourself. I know it is awful going through this, but things will get better soon.

Thanks Toomuchcoffeeman, now we've got the big guns out. Stillholdingon, keep on keeping on, you have been doing so well this far. This part of the year goes so fast, maybe it won't be too hard to continue. Thinking about you and hoping you are staying strong.

Came down with a terrible cold this weekend...ended up spending time at his Dad's and Step MIL over night Saturday night...she knows...his Dad does not. It kills me not to tell them. I know I am protecting him from their opinions I just have not had the strength to tell his dad...His step-mom figured it out and when asked point blank I couldn't deny it to her. In her first marriage she was the BS so she has been very supportive of me. I know I need to tell them...but isn't that a major LB? Especially since he told me he doesn't think it is anyone's business...I know...I know...he is just protecting himself there I suppose. I can't imagine they would be as supportive of him as my family is of me. I did not initiate any conversation this weekend and I did not ask for any contact or closeness....I sat across the room and smiled and talked to his family and had a nice visit. I told his Step Mom that I was going to have to move on with or without him. Why did I have to get sick right now....Just when I need to be strong...it would feel so good to have him comfort me. I just don't want to have to ask for it. He is in no way meeting any of my EN right now. Please send me some cyber hugs <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />