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Stillholdingon - HUGS to you. Glad to see you posting. I've felt kind of bad giving you all this advice, because I didn't do it. It was too hard to be nice to him when he spent all his time and money on OW. So I think you are doing very, very well. Set a time limit and then you can go to Plan B. That way you know this won't go on forever. Plan B is great in the fact that when they are gone, you learn not to think about them. I have been in it for almost 7 weeks and my days are good. The hurt is starting to go away and also the anger. I'm starting to see that too much of my life was consumed by him. Your step-MIL will probably tell her H and the secret will be out. Yep, he will be mad, but them knowing is just a consequence of his choices. Hang in there and keep reading and following the MB plan and remember most WS's come back and are eventually sorry.

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I guess the worst part of all of this is that he does not seem sorry or even the least bit remorseful....He checked out on our marriage without even trying to tell me anything was wrong and now I have been living in a lie for too long to even imagine. I honestly think that if we did not have three kids (5,8 and 9) I would not be trying so hard to keep us together.... Plan B might as well be the end if I have to go there. At least that is how I feel about it right now.

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Still,
You seem down in the dumps from your reply. Want to encourage you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I know that you are concerned about your H showing more concern. You may feel that he doesn't want to save M. On top of all this he is C OW. While these odds sound like they are against you there is hope. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

A lot of the battle for your M will be singly founght so-to-speak (by you). You want to save your M so you'll be the one sacrificing through his lack of consideration and empathy to work on the M. Afterall, it is H lack of consideration that contributed to indulging in EA. SO don't let that get you down. WHat do you want to do? Are your desires to save the M dependent on how you WS acts toward you?

I felt the same as you that maybe I shouldn't have learned so much about the A. Maybe it was better being in denial. But how could you proceed with trying to save the M if you don't truly know where he was in the R? Though it may seem difficult and scary to find your way hold on Still. We're here rooting for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Carolkh's story really encouraged me to try a little harder. Gonna go clean something to get the home in gear. Wishing you the best.

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Stillholdingon - Keep holding on. I know what you mean by "checking out of the marriage". By H did the same thing with no warning. One day I was his soulmate and a week later OW was. They all are the same. Mine had no remorse either, I think that is what did me in. The last time I talked to him about our relationship, he starting screaming at me that this was my last chance to keep him as my H. He said I was giving up too easy (he was still seeing OW), and that I should fight for him. It made me feel like he was the prize. Well the OW won the prize. Haha. I hope that you can stay in Plan A, because otherwise you will have doubts (like me) that you did your best. However Plan B will bring a lot of relief. I am not crying anymore, and don't have that awful hurt, and am enjoying life again. Also remember that in the throes of an A, they all act the same. So don't take it personally like I did. Start moving on with your life because you have to recover, whether with or without him.

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I am still really down a lot of the time...but we have actually shared the same room at night for the past5 nights...and it does mean something to me anyway...he used to sleep on the couch a lot especially when he had to work at 6 am. I called off work a couple of days so that gave us extra nights. He has been starting some small conversations and including me in what he is reading on the computer in the evening after the kids go to bed...it is very small...but it is a positive change. I couldn't help myself last night I just needed held...I pulled his arm over me in bed and we laid there for about an hour...together. I didn't tell him I wanted it, I just did it. I just can't get over how cold and distant he was on Thanksgiving...I wondered if I was reading too much into it but his Step-MIL even made a comment. Maybe he was waiting for someone to ask him questions or maybe he realizes that his Dad either knows or will soon enough know about everything. I can't even begin to imagine. Sometimes he is so different...he can go from one extreme to another with almost no warning.

We did go out and get our Christmas tree last night... Then we took the kids for ice cream. I can't believe it is only a few more weeks until Christmas!!! I am not ready....

He wants to watch a movie tonight...asked me to try to rent it today...That Pirate movie ...I think the kids will watch with us.
But it will be nice family time.

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Stillholdingon - If you get a chance, read Takola's post on Just Found Out - called "I think I'm going to sue". It is very funny, and describes exactly the way I did the MB program. You, however, are doing extremely well. Be proud of yourself. Believe me, everyone here knows how hard it is to stick to. Have faith that it will work.

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I read the post about the cake and didn't get it at first...but I do now...I really like the one about the cat. I hope you are right about this marriage being able to be saved...I am trying hard to do some of the things on that 180 list but a lot of them were how we were living before I found out and I don't think it would be productive for me to go back to them... I think the bold printed ones are the ones I will work on the hardest..But I think the fact that we are still trying to spend time alone together is a positive thing. I have quit saying I love you...it is too hard to have him not reply. He knows how I feel. I just hope he can figure out how it is that he feels.

The OW got a new job and her last day is 12/12. I can hardly wait!! I surprised him today for lunch. One more time I cut her out of the picture as far as I'm concerned. If he is with me he can;t have lunch with her! I am hopeful that he is telling me the truth that it is over...but as they say don't believe any of what they say...it makes it hard.

Thanks for listening...I tried to add some info about us in my signature...hope I did it right LOL!

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Yay, I can hardly wait for Dec. 12. Hopefully she will just fade away into the distance. Expect him to be sad when she is gone, so don't act too overjoyed. If you can continue like you have, I think you'll make it. Stay with it, we're counting on you.

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Well...our movie ended up being just US watching it! I didn't raalize that it was pg-13...so after the kids were in bed we sat together on the couch under a blanket and watched it. It was nice. Our DD was up a lot last night and had us up and down all night...so this morning I took a nap and he actually cleaned up the kitchen! Last evening he got out all the Christmas decorations and we put some up and the tree is all ready to be decorated.
For once I am not in the mood for decorating and he is LOL...I just keep telling myself...small steps...small steps...small steps... I just hope I am not reading too much into every little thing he does. (positive and negative)
I went to the doctor today and she said to continue on the meds I am on now...and if in a week I am still feeling marginal and not improved any more to increase it. I am taking Lexapro. She also put me on antibiotics for my sinus infection. I have been off work for a week now since I was sick and had my regular days off...I don't want to go back to work Friday night...

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Stillholdingon - Sounds like things are going well. Remember it takes time for marriage to get back on track. He sounds like he is trying to make things better. Try to enjoy Christmas with your family, and don't worry too much. Your meds should help you, but it is still awful to go through. I'd like to see you stay in Plan A until about Valentine's Day. It seems like a long time, but this part of the year goes fast. Then if OW is still in the picture, you can go to Plan B. You have a plan that has been proven to work, and he does not, so don't give up.

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Well...today we went to our session with the MC. I feel good about our meeting...I got to talk about how I felt when I thought he was still going behind me back and talking to her...and the MC told him to expect that relapses of sadness and suspicion will recur...He said he understood why it was happening and we talked about the events that lead me to that point. She asked us if we were more optomistic about our relationship and I hesitated...but he said YES. I know I know don;t believe anything they say right...but I am holding on to that admission because he has been paying more attention to me lately and we have been talking A LOT! When we went out to lunch after our session we sat and talked for 45 minutes more. When we were standing waiting to order he put his hand on my back and rubbed it a little...a small loving touch...the kind I have been looking for. I also feel more invited next to him on the couch. Before I felt like I was putting myself there whethere he wanted it or not. Now I feel like he may actually want me there...We are a long way from I Love You's but we are making progress...and I feel better!!!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
to all who are reading this and still in the fight of their lives!! We need each other and I am glad I found this place if for no other reason than to vent!!

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Stillholdingon - Sounds like things are getting better. If you have time, read on the General Questions form, the post called Plan A, doormats and LB's. It is much better than what I have written to you. Hang in there, I think your marriage is going to make it.

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Stillholdingon,
Group hug <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> HUG <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> HUG <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> HUG
I celebrate your progress with you.

I can relate to the part about your not feeling invited to be with your H. About a year ago I began to feel that feeling of it being a drudgery for us ot be together. I found myself saying, "You make me feel so uninvited, or I won't do this or that because you didn't invite me".

About 2-3 months later I found out about the A. Now that we are working on it, he does invite me and I think we are getting to be close again. Boy, it is a process. Happy for you, Still.

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Well...went to IC today for the first time...feeling like this is the way to go for me...wish I had done this all along...but I think it is a valuable thing that our MC sees what he was like too...She confirmed that she got the feeling that my WS is not very compassionate about my feelings and shows no remorse for his actions. I vented BIG TIME to her about what I have discovered...and the lies I have confirmed.

I have cut my hours back at work and my Mom was scheduled to watch the kids this evening so I asked her to still watch them a couple hours so I could take a break...It was a relief. I have not been sleeping...maybe 2-3 hours a day. I made myself lay down and slept an hour or so. I also made plans to go out to do something fun...yet to be decided...with a friend. She told me she would wait for me to call her...because she did not want my WS to see her ont he caller ID...he doesn't appreciate my having told anyone anything and she knows it all...At one point he equated my friendship with her to his A...."how can you ask me to give up my only friend...it would be like me telling you to never talk to your friend again" LOL FOG FOG FOG!!! Big difference...I told him...I do not have sex with my friend! Anyway...off on a tangent again...

Just when I am feeling better about emotional distancing myself...he comes home and is a bit talkative... I didn't call him all day today NOT ONCE!!!! He called me at around 8:30 to see if I was at work or not...I was on call the first part of the shift. Then he told me two verifiable truths today...and they check out...

Sorry this is so long...I have had a tough time with recent discoveries...and I just feel like I need to "talk". Even if there is no one listening.

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Still - Sounds like you are steadily making progress. It's a long battle, with some setbacks, so keep the faith. The IC will be good for you because you will have someone that understands what you are going through. Just remember that WS's usually don't show any compassion or remorse at this stage. Don't expect anything out of H right now and you won't be disappointed. Somehow you need to get some sleep. I know how awful that is, went through a couple of months of waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep. Try exercise in the evening, a warm bath, or get sleeping pills from doctor. Also learn to comfort and take care of yourself. You are so busy with this fight for marriage, doing the right thing, working, taking care of kids, etc. Don't forget YOU.

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Although part of me is still holding out hope that we can fix this a lot of me is moving on toward plan B...and I have been making some preparations. I know they are still havig contact...I know that I can't make any progress in the right direction with him as long as he does still have contact.
This weekend will be hard for me...it will come out to more people and every time a new person finds out it is like having all those feelings all over again.
Please pray if you have faith...that I can hold up and keep moving forward...I need the strength to hold myself together...

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Stillholdingon - Glad you are doing okay. Put Plan B on the back burner. Have you read the post here "Is this marriage worth saving?". Awed posted a good piece about "detaching". The explanation is very good. Read it if you haven't already. Take care.

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