Hi everyone, I have just registered. Here is my story. My husband and I have been married for 24 years, 4 months. He has just revealed to me that he has had an affair. He is 47, the OW is 29. I am 43. We have 3 kids, 19, 14 & 12. He is eaten up with guilt and remorse and wants to try to save our marriage. I guess what led up to him having the A is lack of communication between us. I see it now, but its a little late. He says that the affair only lasted about a month, but he has known this person for 7 or 8 years. He works with her. He has ended it with her, and I believe him. My problem is now, how to start rebuilding. We separated about 3 weeks ago. We've had a couple of "dates" which were really great. We are finally mastering the art of conversation. The problem is that I think he wants the reconcilation to happen really quickly. 2 days ago we got really romantic and one thing led to another and we made love. It was wonderful! Feelings were better than they had been in that department for a long, long time. Problem is, I feel guilty about it. Don't feel comfortable, I think its too soon. I have so many mixed emotions, but I don't want to squash one of his important emotional needs. I want him to want me. My counsellor cautions me about getting back together before Christmas, with all the stress with the holiday, she says it would be a bad time to try to rebuild anything. He wants to spend time with the kids. I just don't want to try again and have it backfire when we are not ready. I've started smoking from all of the stress. Will I ever be able to let go of his infidelity to the point that it won't be brought up everytime we have a fight or a problem? I can't answer that, and that is something he is most concerned with, because he says he is beating himself up about this. Sorry about the lengthy note. Any ideas out there?

Hi Linco,
Sorry that you are having to come here but this is a great site. There is a wealth of information that you can utilize and the posters are very supportive. So post here whenvever you need to.

I read that you are seeing a counselor. Dr Harley is as well a counselor. Some of the things that he notes on the site may be different than what your counselor advises. But I will share what I have learned here.

First off he advises couples not to seperate unless either spouse can not control destructive behavior. Destructive behavior being an ongoing affair, the threat of verbal or physical abuse. As I am learning because affairs can be addictive it is somewhat helpful for couples to stay together to possibly limit contact with other person (OP). Also when the A is over couple can begin working on reconciliation. In your case your H has said that the A has ended and you said you believe it has. (There is a section on signs of an affair if you don't feel he is being honest.)

That being the case, so that issues in trust can be reestablished everything has to be brought out in the open and total honesty about the A has to be established between you. All communication needs to end with lover (OW) and husband (H)so that he can work to rebuild your trust and rebuild your M. Your H wants a fast recovery but he may not understand the damage that he has done and that reconciliation (R) is a process.

It is good that you are working on an communication issues, meeting his emotional needs (ENs). A part of R is finding out how to meet each other's emotional needs (ENs). There is also info on that below.

Letting go of his infidelity where you won't bring it up is difficult. He has betrayed your trust and hurt your heart. So allow yourself to feel what you feel. You are human. Also he has to allow you to ask questions and get feelings off your chest about what has happened. However you want to be careful how you express this to him because it could be discouraging. There is a section on Love Busting which may add more insight on this.

I have a couple questions. You said you felt guilty about making love and you thought it was too soon to come back together? I wondered why if you would like to share. I also wondered the reason for seperation.

My suggestion, read, read, read,. I hope I have shed some light and given you some ideas. There are some links below also. I'm wishing you the best.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

How to Survive Infidelity
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Love Bank http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html

Love Busters
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

Emotional needs
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

Hi Freetobe,

Thanks for replying. I am new to this internet forum thing. I have never put anything out there and had any response, or been in any chat rooms or anything. So to get a response was really encouraging. We separated the last week of October. He had not, at that time revealed his affair, but just said that there were issues that were bothering him. He kept reassuring me that it wasn't me it was him, and that he just needed some time. He said that he needed to go to counselling. One thing that bothered me is that he went to an appointment, without including me in the decision, to find out about getting a vasectomy. I am on BCPs, not only for BC but also for medical reasons. (I get really ugly cycles, etc), He was adament about getting this done. When I asked him why, all he could offer was that it was something that he wanted to do. I guess at this point, I knew down inside, but kept pushing it away, saying no way he could do that. At this point, he has not gone through with it.

Anyway, for the past month, he had continually been planning his social activities on the weekend, away from home. We work opposite shifts. He works Tues-Fri afternoon shifts (comes home at 2:30 am) and I work days, Tues-Sat. So weekends are the only time we can be together There was even an occaion that we had rented a movie and 15 minutes into it, he got a call on his cell (always his cell), and he had his coat on and was out the door. This happened many times. He stayed out many times all night. More family questions, he said that he was at a friends house and had a few drinks and didn't want to drive. Everytime he left, I was crushed. Still didn't know the real truth, and I would break down. My kids felt awful. They could not understand why their dad was doing this. It effected them big time. They kept asking why, and I could give them no answer. Finally I told him that I thought it would be better if he left, I could not continually go through this everytime. The funny thing is, he decided to move in with my dad. They have always had a close relationship, and my dad thought that he could counsel him through this. (My dad has also been a WS himself) Anyway, there is relief there, because I can have his whereabouts tracked. About a week and a half after he left, he went to his first counselling appt. and the counsellor told him that if he wanted to get our relationship back, he needed to be totally honest and lay all cards on the table. He did that on Nov. 10th. At that point I had found this website and printed off 12 pages on infidelity. He read them and agrees that the information is right on target. I have surprised myself. In some aspects, I am very upset, showing in not eating properly, sleep (whats that?), started smoking, but I feel that my eyes are so wide open now, that I am dealing with things head on. I feel "awakened", and am striving to make positive changes in my life, and the life of my family. I feel that the separation has caused me to be able to do that without the constant reminder of what has happened. Also, now that we are talking, I feel that the time we spend together is more special.

One thing that I am guilty of in the form of Love Busting, is sharp angry comments/outbursts. I was doing this even before the affair started. I am trying to get a handle on this before I blow this one out of the water. We are spending the weekends together now, and talking on the phone lots. This past weekend, I spent Sat at my dad's with him, and Sun night he stayed here.

As I said before, intimacy is going to be a problem. The first time (on Sat) was beautiful. It just happened and it was mutual, except for just one point that I had to push him away because I had a flash vision of him doing the same thing to her. Sunday, he just jumped into bed and proceeded without affection, it was awful and I was in dilema. I wanted to fill his sexual expectancy, but what about me? I felt used. He realized it and stopped immediately and apologized. The next day I held the grudge, and on Monday night said things I regret.

All in all, I really do believe he wants it to work. He said he told her that it was over, but my worry is that he sees her everyday. They don't necessarily work in the same area, but will cross paths. Changing jobs for either one of them is impossible, although she has put in for dayshift, if that happens, they will never cross paths.

I see big changes on his side, but need to have my emotional needs met too. Things were not right for a reason. I have printed off the EN questionnaire and will give that to him this week. In the meantime, I am reading all of the articles on this website. (wow, there is so much info), but its good.

Thanks again for reaching out, it helps to know that I am not alone! Linco

Hi.
It sounds like you are making some good strides, trying to make positive changes for your family, reading the material and seeking counseling.

Are you concerned though that your H may still be having an A being that he is making decisions independent of you and is interrupting your dates? If so though you are in counseling what would be your next step?

Honesty is the best policy in this. But he has to be willing to come forward. It sounds like he may not be getting everything out in the open. If not Plan A is where it sounds like you are. It is just Plan A from a far. Where pretty much you negotiate with him to stop having an A without LB.

Have you asked him to account for his time, to stop interrupting your dates, and to make clear what his intent is.?

I can understand your concern about LB. Having a prob with that one myself. I am trying though and continue to work on it. I give you kudos for recognizing it and just know you aren't dealing with it alone.

You mentioned having a prob with intimacy. It is very understandable why. Dr Harley actually recommends to participate if you can and not to if you can't. You have a right to feel as you do.

Linco I am rooting for ya. Wishing you the best. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi Freetobe,

I guess the way I worded my last post, that I gave the wrong idea. My H was interupting our time together, and running out on me before he moved out and before I was aware of the A. Since he has come clean and has broken it off with the OW, our dates are uninterupted and he longs to make them last as long as possible (hence the sleepovers). I reread my last post, and it was confusing as to timeline, so I apologize for that. Just my rambling typing...

I really do think that he has ended it. His time is basically accounted for. My dad knows if he hasn't come home all night, weekends we are together or in touch. The only thing I can't know is what goes on at work. Although even while they were having the A, they did not want co-workers to know anything, so did not try to spend lots of time together, even then.

I just feel that I need to learn more. Read more on this website and try to become whole again. Thanks for listening!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Linco

Hi linco.
How was turkey day?
Youh ad a concern about what is going on at WS work. Had you tried to ask H what is happening at work? Have you also discussed a method for them to avoid each other?

Hi Freetobe,

H & I had a very nice weekend. No turkey day, as we live in Canada, had our Thanksgiving in early Oct. H openly admitted that he had to work with OW on Friday. Only gets paired with her about once a month. (Their job entails covering a certain area) most times when you work with a partner you stay together, but he physically distanced himself, and said he did not stay in the same place with her. He phoned me lots that night to talk. Saturday we went out for drinks and dinner, early night cuz we were both really tired, but phoned when he got back home (I love caller display) Sunday, took the kids over there, nice dinner. Sent the kids home with my oldest daughter & boyfriend, so we had xtra time. We went over the EN questionnaire that we both had done this week. Amazing, we are not that different from each other, we both want similar things in each category. What an eye-opener...we have lots of work to do but looks good. Intimacy just happened, ok with it this time..felt right! Today we went Christmas shopping together for probably the first time in 8 years! We both had fun. Conversation is opening up - about other things besides the A. I have felt such hate towards OW, but thats starting to fade too. This weeks project is Love Busters. Got to print up the info to give to him. He has asked me over there for next Sat, he's making me dinner!!! Another first. He says that the way I make him feel, is better than anything else, thoughts of the OW are out of his head, he says. I know, still have to be careful, but so far, we're trying really hard. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi linco

Sounds like things are going great. Didn't know you were in Canada and had already celebrated Turkey day. Interesting.

It really sounds like your H is making a concentrated effort. How do you feel? Do you have any concerns now besides the working situation?

It sounds as if he allowed you to be there for him when he might have been vulnerable working w/ her the other day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I'm sure you were elated that intimacy felt right this time.

I understand your feelings about OW. I was feeling alot of animosity toward her. She is M. In times when my WF was trying to get on with our lives and past her, she would resurface. He would also pursue her in return. Her intent has been to stay with her H, but she didn't want to just allow him to develop a R w/ me. So selfish. However her selfishness gave him a wake up call recently.

My anger is starting to fade against her also. I'm starting to focus more on me, on us.

Boy do I have much work to do also. Maybe we can compare notes. Wishing you the best.