I never thought that I would be writing for counseling advice or for that matter reading every self help and marriage book that I can get my hands on. I am scrambling, learning on the run to try to save my marriage. This August I discovered that my wife was having an affair with her boss. We have been married 16 years and have two children ages ten and seven. Our marriage started as a strong friendship, not the romantic passionate love that most people associate with the honeymoon period. I immediately felt comfortable in the relationship because it simulated my memories of my parents’ marriage. We enjoyed doing similar outdoor activities where I thought that we did our bounding. I thought that we had a very strong marriage. We were very practical in our marriage decisions. Unbeknownst to me, my wife is a true romantic. Her favorite moves have to do with castles and princess. She held it in, did not communicate her needs, or if she initially did I did not hear them as important. Then she stopped trying to communicate her needs. She now says that she never really loved me.

I have learned so much about her recently. I love her more today than the day we were married. I love my children. I want us to be a family. I do not want to co-parent. We each completed an emotional needs questionnaire. As you might expect, I was not filling her needs. Her top needs are communication, affection, and honesty and openness. Right now she doesn’t care if I fill any need. Initially she was going to leave to be with her paramour, but he could not leave his family. He nobly said that it was for his children, although I suspect that with four children and his livelihood at stake there were some monetary concerns involved in his decision to not leave his family. This is his third affair that the lovers’ wife knows about. My wife resigned her job immediately after the affair was discovered and he declined to leave his wife. I thought that things would get better. I have attempted to address my major short coming of becoming a better communicator and active listener. She could care less. She thinks that he is her ‘soulmate’. She is now sleeping in a different room. I have minimal opportunities to increase affection. His love bank is still high. Mine love bank is at an all time low.

My wife is an intelligent woman. The paramour’s history of affairs seems of no consequence to her. She is the proverbial moth to the flame. To my knowledge she had contact with him on the phone three weeks ago. Then she told him to stay away. With the current impasse of her rejection of my attempts of depositing into her love bank and the lovers current high love bank account I am in a quandary as to what to do? Do I need to let her go to the lover with the hopes that their love will flounder? How can his love bank be reduced and my love bank increased when she is not receptive to any love units? Is she going to have to be like Sue in the book Surviving An Affair? Am I going to have to be as strong as Jon, taking my wife back again? Is it time for plan B? Do I need to give plan A more time? I don’t know how long my love bank for my wife will last. Moving out will hurt our children. They do not know anything is wrong with the family at this time.

Scrambling in VA

SVA, first, from my standpoint, you need to make a full committment to putting her needs ahead of yours. This committment will depend on how much self sacrifice you are willing to make to save your marriage. Are you willing to save your marriage at all costs? You must put her feelings ahead of yours. Once you have done that, you need to focus on the positives. It is obvious that OM is a user. He will not leave his wife for whatever reason. Your W is now in the infatuation state which is pure fantasy. You need to liken her state of mind with tempoary insanity. She will come out of it. Also, she has not left your home. The longer you hang in there and stay, the more opportunities you have to show her your love. You have the advantage so avoid leaving. Remember that this A will not last and that you need to be there when it ends. In the meantime, you need to do everything possible to show your love and that you have changed. You must avoid LBs. You must learn as much as you can about your W. Also, you must stay positive and confident. I don't know your personal convictions toward God, but if you have a relationship with Jesus Christ, you should pursue it and strengthen it. He will meet your needs that she is not meeting and will fill your love bank enough for you to stay focused on saving your marriage. You need to be prepared for continuing rejection and how you will respond to it. You need to be mentally prepared and know how you will deal with it. Think of your kids and your goal for marriage. Think of her and how much you love her. There are a few books you may not have read. Saving Your Marriage Alone by Dr Ed Wheat. The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Love Life for Every Married Couple by Dr Wheat. Every Womans Desire by Fred Stoeker. And a new one called Safe Haven Marriage. These books are extremly positive and will guide you in ways to love and understand your W. Hang in there, stay positve, never give up and pray. R12

Scrambling in VA: read and reread the reply by Roman121. He said it succinctly and acccurately what you need to focus on and where to place your energies. Focus on the positives and build your self confidence. I get my strength from the MB forums, from a small support group of family and friends and from prayer. You need a support structure around you to keep you focused on saving your marriage at all costs. Once you give up, it is likely over. Do not give up! Find your support structure and if you do not have a relationship with Jesus Christ, now would be a perfect time to reach out to him. He will help you if you ask.

Thanks for the encouraging words. It is an up and down battle with rejection and staying positive. It is very tough to keep the game face one 24/7. I understand the principles of MB. It makes more sense than any other readings. As I said I am trying to fill her needs but being rejected. Part of what I thing is going on is pride. She doesn’t want to admit the A was wrong. How can I present information to her so that she can save face? Our counselor went confrontational with her last session attempting to point out positives in our marriage and negatives in the OM. Now she does not want to go back. Yes, the A was fantasy, but a fantasy she enjoyed and does not want to let go. She can not envision our marriage being at that level ever in the past or possible in the future. It is tough throwing your love at a brick wall. PMS this week is not helping.

The question still remains. How does the OM lose love units?

Scambling,

You need to understand the process. If she has ceased contact with OM she will be in withdrawal. It will sort of be like a junky withdrawing, she will be distant, mean, onry, ugly, unfeeling, hurtful, depressed, and very unloving. Other than that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> she will be a normal human being. Seriously withdrawal will last awhile, some say as long as the A lasted, but actually it is in the 1-3 month period normally but it can reach a year.

I would like you to read SKM's chronicles which I have bookmarked for you. In those chronicles you will see her time scale and what she was going through. It might help you understand your W and what she is going through.

Just remember this as much as you hurt you KNOW you did your best. As your W comes out of this, she will know she made fool of herself with a man who has had many affairs and not intention of really being with her, she has deeply hurt you, and her kids, and she may well destroy her family. How would you like THAT to look forward to?? I think that withdrawal coupled with guilt that begins to seep in as withdrawal and the fog recede must be the worst thing to go through.

You are in fact going through a bit of withdrawal because the woman you are living with no is not the woman you were married to and you miss the woman you were married to. So you have some idea what she is dealing with, BUT you don't have the other issues. Just remember that, and stay in plan A for awhile longer. I know it is a pure "giver" mode which forces the taker into the background and that it cannot be sustained for a very long period because of that, but do your best.

Here is SKM's thread. SKM's Chronicles

Hope this helps. Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ December 01, 2003, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>