Dear All
I am new and wld appreciate advise before I make decision that might wreck or restore my marriage.Found out abt A in Oct '02, H so-called ended A in Jan '03 but I found out that they are maintaining contact recently. H says it is nothing and have ceased contact recently after being found out.I have treatened to tell OWH but H said he wld leave me and her and disappear (I think out of embarresment as we know OWH).I somehow have lost all trust in him but still love him very much despite all this and he knows that.Shall I give him the benefit of the doubt and another chance to prove himself? I think I should but will have to tell OWH if contact is renewed...I may or may not find out this time as H is getting smarter in covering tracks each time.He is a good provider,loves his children and me supposedly.We hve been M for 23 years..have 4 daughters(19,17,13,10)..he is 50 and I am 46.A had been going on for 7 yrs.OW is 41 with 3 children.My doc who is the only other person who knows abt A adv me leave matter status quo and sacrifice for sake of children at least for now.If I tell OWH..he might harm my daughters and/or H and we might have to wash dirty linen in public..risk very great.Don't know what to do and who else to talk to abt this.Pls advise as I am going nuts thinking abt it.

As long as your H is maintaining contact, the affair is continuing. Regardless of whether your H ends all contact with her, the OW's H does deserve to know the truth about his W's affair with your H. This is part of Plan A, and it is for the purpose of bringing the affair to the light of day and injecting it with a lethal dose of reality. Your H's threats to leave you if you tell the OW's H is most likely an idle one because if he truly felt that way he would have left you some time ago. So do tell the OW's H ASAP.

Why do you think owh might harm your daughters? Is he a violent person?

All respect to your doctor, but his qualifications may not extend into this area. His advice should not carry excess weight, unless he has relevant education/experience.

It would actually be quite helpful to your cause if owh DID know, because he would then be keeping better tabs on his wife. (Wouldn't you want to be told if you were in his shoes?)

I understand that your major concerns are about protecting your kids, and your family's reputation.

Your husband has put you in a terrible position, and he isn't thinking straight right now anyway--selfishness reigns supreme, obviously. Fears about the owh reaction are common, but from what I have heard, violence doesn't usually occur. You really have to weigh benefits and risks.

I told the owh waaaay after the affair was over, just because it was right that he know. Telling is difficult at best. I don't advise doing it without being prayed up beforehand, if you a praying person.

Hang in there, hon.

My marriage is apparently in the restoring stage and if I were to tell OWH now I think things will get worse betwn me & H even though I think the OWH has the right to know.Timing s'how is not right.I suppose now it is too late..I shd have done it the moment I knew abt their renewed contact. How am I going to explain to H my actions since I hve not done so earlier...why now when he has promised not to contact her again...the impact is no longer there.The reason why I did not blow the whistle on him is bcoz of my children..I cannot bear it for them to suffer if the A is out in the open. They respect their dad so much and their lives are just beginning and they are in such a vulnerable stage.But I suppose if I ever find out again this time I shall not waste anytime but go straight to OWH. I supp TMCM is right when he said my H's threat to leave me is not a serious one or he wld have done it sooner.WRT OWH being violent..I dun think so..he doesn't look it but one never knows.When one is desperate one might resort to desperate measures..like maybe seeking revenge towards my H for the A by perhaps employing s'one to hurt or rape my daughters as a way to hit my H where it hurts most. Most times its best to exercise patience...I pray a lot and have faith in God to guide me through this otherwise I would have blown everything out in the open and probably live to regret my actions for the rest of my life if my children have to suffer as a result of my rash decision in the fit of anger.Apart from the A with OW,I thank God for the H that I have..nothing significant to complain abt...very good provider and generous with me & my children, my parents,his family and friends even..very good & kind hearted. That's why I hesistated to tell OWH then and now...as a form of damage control.I thought I'll sacrifice and give him one more chance this time and take his word for it...I hope I am making right decision for sake of my children. Pls comment.

I understand your position. In my situation, my husband and I had been in good recovery for almost a year, and the affair itself had been over for more than a decade. Probably most people would have advised us to let sleeping dogs lie.

But my husband felt even more compelled than I that the other woman's husband should know. Our primary goal was not that the infidelity should be covered over, but made right. He wanted an opportunity to apologize for the horrible sin he had committed against this innocent man. My husband kept running into him (we live in a small town) and he told me the next time they met, he was going to tell him. I was afraid, because of how upset I had been at the affair's exposure that the om might strike my husband, who is not healthy right now. To avoid that happening, I went to the gentleman and told him myself. He was very noble,and kind, and thanked me for telling him. So my fears of an altercation of some type were completely unfounded, for which I remain thankful.

It accomplished a lot in our marriage to just get it out in the open BETWEEN THE SPOUSES. But, we pray that none of the children involved ever has to know. Our church knows that my husband has a sinful past--he is very forthcoming with everyone that the Lord saved him out of a terrible, sinful mess, but he has not shared specific details, to spare our children such agony. We have received a lot of prayer for our marriage at church.

My husband always appeared to be loving, kind and committed to family, like yours. I understand your devastation, and indecision as to how best to proceed to protect your marriage.

I don't think you should be too quick to trust your hubby's promises of nc, though, because of his past. Unfortunately you will have to be vigilant--he will have to re-establish trust based on tangible acts of accountability.

If you would like to email me privately, please do so at want2shine@hotmail.com.

<small>[ November 29, 2003, 11:56 AM: Message edited by: want2shine ]</small>

Played,
I understand your concern about exposing WS A. But you aren't alone. Many people that post on this site have gone through what you are and had to face dificult consequences.

No one wants to air the dirty laundry and have to bare their children knowing about what has happened. But honesty is something that your children may appreciate instead of knowing that you tried to hide the truth about their father's behavior. They just may be much stronger in handling this with your love than you think.

Exposing the A isn't something that you do because you are mad at WS or something to use to hold over the BS head to force them to change their behavior. Instead it is something that you do in an effort to break up the secrecy that A thrive on. So your choice to expose it is for the purpose of 1. bringing it out to family and OW H. In the light of exposure A may be less tempting of an activity to be a part of. Then you can begin the process of working on M after H gives it up 2. you'll want to expose to OW H that he may be aware for health purposes and understand that his M is compromised. He may also have children as you. OW H may be able to be an ally.

Played, I understand your weighing the consequences. I understand your concern about the risk, but there will be risk in an effort to save your marriage. If you have concerns about your children because OW H has threatened your family and so on look into restraining orders and any other legal help that you may need.
But understand this situation may not just work itself out. Understand that your H may promise you many things but go on to do what he has done.

I am a praying person also and believe in God. I did much prayer before I proceeded in following Plan A. It has been difficult at time. I have a bad temper and in some cases I have hurt my efforts. But nonetheless, I felt I had to do all that was in my power because there was so much involved in my family and OW family so I did what I could on my end and asked God to handle what he would on his end. I feel that I am finally beginning to see the light of day. But I am yet prayerful as I will be for you too.

Also once I exposed A, OW and WW told me I was wrong to have done it. OW H didn't agree. He suspected something but didn't want to accuse. He and OW want to work out their M. Anyway, I am just offering my 2 cents. I wish you the best.

dear All
I really apprec all your well meaning advise and am seriously considering telling OWH..I think I will only be getting peace of mind after doing it..then only I can be sure we are all on level ground. Otherwise I may be fooled into believing that everything is over and if I found out later I think I will b more devastated to the point of madness.I suppose if after letting OWH know and they still are maintaining contact then I shd know where I stand with my H and just throw in the towel bcoz I don't think I can bear another disappointment. I am really very scared and I may not be able to hold my composure when i see OWH. Though we are not really close friends my H and OW were close business associates and we happen to know each other's spouses and I don't think I know how to go about it or what to say or how to begin without creating animosity between all of us.Any suggestions? What details shd I provide? Do you think I should tell him over phone or fix up an appointment to meet up him with my proof of certain documents? I am sure if he were to see me he will belief me bcoz my body has reduced by 3 sizes (lost 10 kg from 57 to 47 kg in a matter of 6 months from OCT 02 - Mar 03 and have maintained weight eversince) since I found out about the A which had been going on for at least 7 years.What I was disgusted to find out was that OW still wants to continue to have business dealings with my H despite what had happened and was unhappy when my H told her that it was too risky to continue as his wife (ie me)is nearly going to have a mental breakdown. I am on tranquilizers daily so that i may be able to cope with my anxiety and depression bcoz I think about the A and OW and what they were doing together every waking hour and it really gets me down.I feel so miserable and inadequate.

Quote from Played_Out
"Otherwise I may be fooled into believing that everything is over and if I found out later I think I will be more devastated to the
point of madness".

Played, it is tricky trying to work on M when Infidelity is interrupting it. I am very new to love and serious R so I am an amateur. However I would like to share my experience as it may or may not help you.

The reason I say it is tricky is because when I began dealing with my situation
I learned that my WF had lied many, many, many+ times. I learned that
sometimes he was floundering between the 2 of us. This was evident in his
actions. He would tell me it was over then he would make C with her. Then he would tell
her it was over with me while making plans with me. he was becoming
a cake eater. I'm saying this to say guard your heart and get ready to
face whatever he may say or whatever you may discover. He may try to fool you into thinking
it is over. He may be telling you one thing and telling her another. He may
be a cake eater.

You can't control him. However you have choices,right? You can control how
you will handle your end of this. What do you want? Would you be ready to throw in the towel if you found out
that he is lying again? When I realized I was going back and forth
with him in this madness I asked myself, if I find out he has lied to me again would I be
ready to let go? My answer was no. What is your answer? Links below for Plan A.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Plan A/Plan B
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

I would appreciate it if someone could tell me where I can get a copy of JOSEPH'S LETTER to his WS where he talks abt how the A is like a puzzle in his life. My H feels uneasy and restless whenever I ask him abt the A. It is as though he does not want to divulge much...he says I cannot handle the info so its better that I do not know. It is really frustrating when u do not know why it happened, etc,etc. He also do not want to read abt anything I try to show him abt how to end affairs,etc, etc, esp this site. It is like its me trying to find ways to resolve sthing I don't know much abt.I am trying very hard but don't seem to get anywhere..,.he doesn't even want to read what I have printed for him..he seems to think it will resolve by itself. I don't think so..I don't think he ended the affair the way it should end ie with absolutely no contact...I suppose to him the affair ended when they do not see each other.It is difficult getting through to him to see my point...what I have learnt frm MB.

Played,
Hi. I can relate to what you mean about H not seeming to want to divulge much about A.

If you don't mind I would like to mention somethings that may help when tlking to him/. Every person is different so maybe you'll have to find out what works with your H.

For me I found asking questions more causually made him feel comfortable. If we were discussing something I would just ask about something that was on my mind. The problem I ran into was that I began to bombard him with ??? and sometimes I was redundant in asking questions which annoyed my WF. So I wrote things down and tried to go back and piece together what might have been happening between us during these times. I learned not to pressure him for info. If I could sense tension and a pull back I stopped asking ?? for then and asked later. Also I begin to prepare myself to be willing to accept whatever he said even if it really hurt my feelings. I learned that WF was lying to me about his intent with OW and other things. By be able to go back and look at certain actions I got a feel for where his head and heart was at. Last but not least after I got some picture of what was happening I stopped asking ?? so much. Anywho just my 2 cents.

Joseph's letter. I found a link that I think it is on. Link below: Post #14
(near the bottom)
http://cp.yahoo.net/search/cache?p=...vinginfidelity.com/forums.asp%3ftid=8994

Freetobe

Thank you so much for the link to JOSEPH'S LETTER and the advise u gave re asking questions. I shall try your approach...hopefully it will work. Joseph's Letter is s'thing else altogether..I felt so touch that i cried and cried reading thru it. I shall show my H the letter and pray to God that he will understand my feelings abt the whole thing and appreciate what I am trying to do to save our marriage.

((((((((((((((Playedout)))))))))))

Exposure is designed to END affairs. If your husband has already agreed to do that, and you see no more evidence of contact....hold off on the exposure. It's important that it isn't since as vindictiveness, but an honest attempt to get your marriage together. If you think contact has resumed....call immediately.

Joseph's letter has been on this site as well. I wish I could find a link for it so that I could add it to the Welcome thread on EN...if anyone has that....please pass it along!

Starfish
Are u suggesting that I hold off exposure to OWH until and unless I know that they are AGAIN renewing contact. That was what I thought is best given that H said he has ended contact recently. But again come to think about..now he will b smarter at covering tracks so it looks like I have to be more vigilant. Wld exposure now b seen as vindictiveness? I thought even if H do not contact OW there's no guarantee that OW will not contact H ...I wldn't know wld I unless H decides to tell and knowing him I don't think he will tell fearing that I might decide to take matters in my own hand and expose A if I know that OW called.Now more confused than ever.

To Played and Starf*sh
Hi. When I looked at Starf*sh, reply I became a little nervous because I thought I missed something. Previously I had suggested contact OW H because it seemed the A was still going on.
I didn't want to give misleading information.

So I went back and looked at your prevous post. Played at the end of the post you noted that your WS doesn't understand that there should be absolutely no C. He feels that the A is over because he doesn't see OW.

Played it is best to do what you think is right for you. So I don't want to seem overbearing in stating my opinion. Starf*sh was saying to hold off on exposure if your H has agreed it is over and there is no evidence of C.

However I have found that contact on the phone or any other means even if they don't see each other is an continuance of the A. But if there is no evidence of C then perhaps it would be good to ask him to send NC letter, then though he is reluctant to look at MB info, maybe you can share it with him little by little as he will allow you.

In my situation I made some good and bad choices. WF said it was over. Called cell phone comp to find out if any C w/ OW. WF was still calling but was deleting the calls off the cell log caller ID, covering tracks, right? The important part of this is how you proceed. Even if you find WS is lying, what is your next step?

Gotta watch out for LBing. Can state your concern and not LB. Sometimes it is best not to say anything but watch. My 2cents.

freetobeme....you are EXACTLY right. Contact consists of any and all communication. Ending the physical affair but continuing to talk on the phone or email is not NO CONTACT. Played, please be specific to your husband about how this kind of communication makes you feel...do it calmly and without LBs. If he refuses to end further communication, please take the next step and expose the affair. Good call freetobeme!

Thanks Starf*sh

Played Hi. I found a link that you may be interested in. Maybe it will provide more insight on whether to tell OW H or not. The Link is below:
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=002820

Freetobe & Starf*ish

Considering what has been said I shall go slow..perhaps show him Joseph's letter first and given right timing shall explain concept of absolutely NC and show samples of NC letter. I think he must b made to understand what continued contact in whatever form is doing to me and our marriage but most times it's difficult to rationalise with him. Moreover I suspect OW will try to contact him since his business acumen is good and OW does not want to miss out on business opportunity. Theirs I think is a case of LUST & GREED more than anything else. Though he does not want to admit it I think he cannot get his mind off her otherwise he would not have renewed C.When I asked him he said he was distracted...I think he let himself fall into the hands of temptation. I'll play wait & see...this time any hint or suggestion of C, I shall not say anything to him but go straight to OWH...just so afraid that this time he might cover tracks very well...then no opportunity to expose A.

I vote to tell the OWH about A. My H's first affair was in 1992. The OW ended the A and confessed to her H. My H didn't tell me about it until 10/21/03. I have wondered why the OWH didn't disclose the A to me. I told my H that I wished the OWH had told me when he found out and my H said "I wish he had told you too." I guess my H couldn't find the courage to tell me but in hindsight wished I had found out.

My H went on to have two more affairs; one lasted for six years. I feel it was easier for him to have these As since he didn't get caught the first time.

Tell the OWH. You could be saving him years of lies and deception. I know I wish I had those years back.

Played Hi,
How is it going? Did you show WH Joseph's letter?