While my wayward wife can see definite improvements in my support of her emotional needs, she has asked if I would mind if she left for 2-3 days to collect her thoughts on what she wants to do. I believe she is sincere in her confusion and desire to be alone, but I'm not sure if this is the best thing or not at this time (since she's definitely still in the withdrawal stage). She's sort of forcing plan B on me when I'm not really ready. However, I won't stand in her way. Opinions?

I should also say that we've only been working plan A for about a month. She feels really bad that she can't make a decision. I've told her that I love her and will support her in any way I can. I've told she can have as much time as she needs. She hasn't quite decided yet exactly when she wants to try a separation or exactly where she will stay (but she says not with the OM). Should I also tell her not to call? It's too soon for a formal plan B (especially when not initiated by me). Should I be strict anyway?

TomH<BR>Being that im coming from the same situation. I have had to make time for myself as well. I was kinda hitting the withdrawal stage this week. my om is married. So i dont see him that often. Which is a greatr thing. That time alone is so so important. I wish my husband was as understanding as u. Im trying to decide wheter to tell my husband or not! But in the time alone I did decide to do what was right. Hang on to the marriage. It is so true that the affairs die of natural death. Mine is doing that now and I see it. Now he isnt giving me what i need. Because he isnt there all the time. Im just praying very hard. Tommorow is my big day! I stepping foot into a church again. This is the dawn of a new recovery. In you ropinion should I tell my husband or not? Just baby her this is the most horrible thing in life. i was almost suicidal when I broke it off with him the first time. God blees you Tom.... Your in my prayers

Tom,<P>Would it be worth asking her for a commitment to not see OM while on her break?<P>My guess is that time away for a couple of days might be okay to clear her head, but it would have to under the condition that it be to CLEAR her head not confuse it more.<P>I seem to be in a unique situation than most here, I'm the infidel and I want my W back.<BR>She left, originally asking for 2 weeks, now it's 2 months later and I know we'll be apart through May, because of school.<P>I really struggled with her being gone at first, however, now I have found value in it for me as well. It as allowed me to explore my shortcomings and get in touch with a little bit with WHO I AM, not reacting to her and it's brought me closer to God than I have been for a long time.<P>You might approach her with that idea without demanding or commiting a LB.<P>Have faith, God loves you.<P>Repenting

Tom,<BR>My wife took time away with her best friend and I can't say that it really helped her. She wouldn't do a plan A if I begged her to and she still has phone if not other contact with the OM. She refuses to believe that their relationship is anything less than true love. All I can say is hang tough and let her know that you love her no matter what and pray that things will go your way. Good luck and God bless.

To inamess:<P>What did you tell your husband to get away for a while and where did you go?<P>As to whether to tell your husband, if you can, please read the last chapter of After the Affair by Janis Spring which presents both sides of the argument much better than I can. In a nut shell:<P>If you don't tell him: If your husband truly doesn't know already(which is hard to know for sure), you may be simply trying to rid yourself of guilt while causing him unnecessary pain. You bite the bullet and keep it to yourself.<P>I had already suspected my wife for several months and discovered the truth anyway through an unintentional reading of her past email. For me, it hurt more to have to confront her with the truth than if I had never found out. But since affairs can sometimes go on for years, (hers was 1 1/2), I'm glad things came out in the open for us to try and resolve. She says she had thought about ending it, but just couldn't.<P>If you do tell him: Certainly more of a risk. Obviously, depending on his personality, he may want to end things then and there or try to work things out. One plus to admitting the affair is you could put a very slight positive spin on your trustworthyness and help enforce his belief that you have ended the affair. Building trust again is a major factor in revealing an affair and then trying to reconcile. If he suspects at all, this may be a better course of action than waiting for him to find out.<P>It would also be good to post your message to the forum as a new post to get plenty of other opinions before making a decision. <P>It is so easy and so hard to play "what if" games that I have had to force myself to accept the situation for what it is and try to move forward.<P>Let me know if I can help you in any way. I do understand where you're coming from and the turmoil you're going through.

TomH,<P>My beautiful wayward wanted time apart to think. All she was thinling about was being W/LRB. Sorry thats my reality.<P>Read NSR's plan-a 101.<P>Plan-b should not feel like punishment to your W.<P>Plan-a means absolutly zero <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A><P>Take the questioaire and answer from her perspective.<P>Let us know what you learn.<P>See my positive post.<P>I read it over and over to remind myself.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

TomH,<P>Just as a follow-up to Bill's reply.<P>When my W went on a trip to "collect her thoughts".... "with just the girls"... 2 months later she says... "I want a separation".<P>It's no that "time" in and of itself isn't good... it's just that very often that time is spent with peopl who don't understand how to "build marriages"... and would rather give your wife flippant remarks... or encourage her to "find herself" (down the wrong path.<P>With all that being said... <B>you can't stop her</B>. Putting on the pressure is a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>.<P>Being honest with her... <B><I>asking... respectfully... honestly...</I></B> to call every day... would be good. Let your love be communicated to her <B>every day</B>! Honesty and respect are not <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!<P>BTW the single-click way to the post Bill mentioned is here... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A>!<P>Prayers to you... <P>Jim

I've been separated 6 times, ranging from 2 weeks to 3 1/2 months. Each time he's just needed "some time and space to think". Certainly not to be with OW. It was a lie. His time and space was used to date and spend time with her so that he didn't have to be accountable to me. <P>Sorry. Separations are rarely used for what the betrayer says they are...affairs almost always include deception, lying, deceit, omissions and, of course, betrayal.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

Tom,<BR>I have to agree with Lor. After discovery, and my ew said they were going to give us, om is married too, the summer to work on our marriages. When I found out she was still seeing him, she said she needed to get away for a few days to think. I asked her not to see or speak to om and she agreed.<P>When she returned the next day she said she was staying for the kids. She said she took it as a sign from God that om didn't show up at her hotel. She said they were going to see what it was like living together. So she lied to me then and has been ever since.<P>So I would tell don't let her go, only problem is how do you do that without it being a major lovebuster. Maybe you can stay at a motel and tell her you will check in on her every once in a while so she won't be tempted to have om in your house.<P>Thats the best I can do!<P>Bob

Rarely does a wayward spouse go away to think alone. The majority of the time, it is an excuse to have time to see the OP.<P>I don't know how you are going to get her to stay home, but Bob's suggestion sounds pretty reasonable. If that is what you suggest to her, hopefully, she will be understanding and agree to it.<P>Good luck to you.