Thank you so much for the continued encouragement. We are only day #2 of withdrawal, but I need all the help I can get. I still have a hard time concentrating on WS and us with 9 million things going on, but I'm trying! Last night we cuddled when I got home from IC -- usually when I walk in the door, I'm going in different directions. A few minutes later we were in the kitchen just having some pleasant chit-chat when I walked up to him to give him a hug and a kiss. I was carrying our baby and she was telling us to do it again. When she wants us to read a story again, she nods her head, so she's nodding her head like crazy and we are kissing. She is our angel!

Also, during dinner, I tried to reflect on the feelings WS was sharing and to share mine. Same with the time when we were just lying on the living room floor watching TV.

An important lesson I'm learning as a mother and wife is that I *have* to multi-task. I'm an engineer with alot of Mars leanings and I used to complain that I couldn't concentrate on WS if I'm taking care of our baby at the same time. But I need to learn that our baby is not going anywhere and we're not gonna get a whole lot of alone time for a couple years yet.

We did talk about specifically leaving the baby overnight with my mom every couple of months, but we need to connect on a daily basis.

As to your question of mistakes...yes, I was not fulfilling WS' emotional needs for a long time. I didn't take him seriously when he told me what he needed. He is actually angry that I didn't listen until he went outside the M to get his needs met. We definitely need to forgive each other.

This site and the posters here really are a godsend. In the past couple of days, I thought about how I would have acted differently if not for the advice given here.

WS is reaching out for support right now. He is calling me almost every other hour. I've been telling him that I'm proud of him and he's doing great. I think I need to kick it up a notch as you say and 'kill' him with kindness.

Unfortunately, to take his mind off of OW, he is starting to look at buying a new car. An expensive one at that. And this has been one of our issues. He wants to make a big purchase and when I hold back, he gets upset. (And he wonders why people think he's materialistic.) On one hand, any price will be worth him forgetting OW, but this is a place where I haven't made myself heard before. Perhaps instead of thinking, "There he goes again -- ignoring my feelings", perhaps this is a place to practice some new skills. I think I will start with, "How much do you think the payments will be?"

I'm surprised that more hurt feelings haven't come out, yet. Or that I'm not happier. I guess I'm apprehensive right now. I'm trying not to be too guarded, though, or else I won't be able to reach out to WS. Again, I appreciate your thoughts. Thank you so much for checking here. Maybe I will poke around the recovery section.

Hi lbc,

Just read your update on another thread and wanted to post to you to say... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> !!!!!!!

You sound like you're doing well...have you ruffled his hair yet and told him he's sweet??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

All the best...awed

<small>[ January 08, 2004, 04:37 PM: Message edited by: awed18 ]</small>

Hi lbc! I am so glad to hear that you're doing so well. I know this is not an easy road for you. My WS "tried" to end it with the OW several times but wouldn't. I hope yours is more committed. Please keep us posted. I think of you often!

Hi awed and Susan! Thanks for checking up on me. It's interesting to read my last post here. There are a lot of things I need to remember -- the changes I need to do on my part, etc.

Well, we are almost at a month of NC. Well, that's not entirely true. WS did not answer any of her text msgs and she didn't try to actually get him on the phone. She only sent about 3 message, though. This bothered WS cause he would be "What's going on? Why can't you talk to me?" etc. IC told me that I don't need to defend OW, but I honestly told WS that I would be extremely hurt in her place and she is probably trying to do the right thing in maintaining NC.

I guess OW couldn't go for more than a week and the following Sunday morning she called his cell. She had never called his cell while he was home before. He missed the call, but saw that she had sent a few txt msgs again. He was asking me what he should do when she called again. He picked up and went to the other room. I was prepared for him to talk to her for a long time and just when I decided that I would interrupt after 15 minutes, he appeared. WS told her that he had decided to work on our marriage. OW asked if everything was a lie. WS said that there was a window of time where either one of them could have walked through to commit to the relationship and that window has passed.

I'm sure the holidays helped alot in terms of promoting that whole 'family' feeling, but I was surprised that a couple of weeks later, *I* felt like we had so much to live for, that our lives are so abundant at this moment. We've worked very hard for the past 3 years to get where we are and now we can actually see us reaping the rewards. We just want to make our lives better than ever!

Surprisingly withdrawal hasn't been horrible. Maybe I need to ask WS about his feelings for OW, but he did say that she LB'd badly right before the end and he was disappointed with her reaction to the end of the A.

We haven't outlined a specific plan for recovery, so I think I will start out with the LB questionaires. I still need to identify *my* emotional needs and convey these to WS. My biggest effort right now is not to get angry so easily. This has nothing to do with the A. It's just how I deal with sensitive issues, unfortunately.

I can see changes in WS everyday. I just hope I can match him. For the first time in a long time, I have felt a year to be some kind of turning point. I didn't feel that way when we got married or even when I was pregnant. I'm praying this means a significant turning point in our relationship as well.

awed: Nope, I haven't tossled his hair lately, but I'm gonna bring home flowers and take out tonight. WS volunteered to take our sick baby to the doctor today.

Susan: I'm gonna have to check for an updated post from you. I hope you are doing well. WS tends to do things in extreme. He quit drinking cold-turkey and it looks like he ended the A the same way. I'm keeping my eyes and ears open, though.

Hi lbc,
I hope things are still going well for you.

I don't know if you've checked my thread lately but there was a post by lost-without-her which was a paste from stung-by-a-bee and I really thought you might even get more out of it than I can right now. It came from Dr. Laura's website:

Dear Dr. Laura,

After listening to your caller today who wanted to know what to do because he didn’t “feel” love for his wife anymore, but felt like he would towards a sister, I felt compelled to comment.

Two years ago I was in a similar situation. I merely tolerated being married because I didn’t want my three children (at the time ages 16, 10, and 3) to come from a broken home. I finally came to the realization one day that I was responsible for my feelings, and I did something about it.

I resolved right then and there that nobody – friends, family, coworkers (not even you, Dr. Laura) – would hear me say anything negative or critical about my wife. Every word anybody heard from me would be only positive when it concerned her. If I had anything of that nature to say, I could lovingly discuss it with her or shut up about it and that was that. I also decided that, no matter how I FELT, I would always treat her as though she was the single most beautiful thing God had ever created, and that any act of love I could do for her, I would do. I wake up in the morning and bring her a fresh, hot cup of coffee in bed. Then I warm up the shower and make sure to wash her back for her (I didn’t have to pretend I enjoyed that). I cheerfully cook dinner when she has had a difficult day, give our daughter her bath and insist that she take a nap on Sunday afternoon after church.

Although I sometimes find the topic as exciting as a cold mashed potato sandwich, I pay attention to what she says and comment on it because that is more important than what is happening on Law and Order on television. I even do grocery shopping, alone or with her if she likes. I even go clothes shopping with her (usually every man’s nightmare) and give her genuine input and show honest interest. The idea is to spend time with her, regardless of what we are doing. I looked for genuine ways to compliment her (I’m really impressed with your knowledge of special needs children). I pamper, take care of, and generally spoil my sweetheart as much and as often as I can.

Since you have a background in psychology, you can guess what happened. If you change your behavior, your mind follows suit. I didn’t have to spend much time telling her how incredible she was before I began to believe everything I told her. Tonya became more beautiful by the day, and is far more intelligent than I ever gave her credit for before my “awakening.”

It has been over two years, and our life together is far and away better than anything I could have imagined. Tonya is my best friend, wife, sweetheart and companion all wrapped up into one fabulously beautiful package, and we grow closer by the day. I don’t always “feel” love, but I always make it a point to “do” loving things so that she can “feel” loved. We will be married 23 years on the 22nd of this month, and people we meet think we are newlyweds because we are so affectionate with each other.

If I could talk to your caller, I would tell him to stop expecting his marriage to fix itself. Love isn’t a feeling, it is an action word. Love is what you promised to do when you stood before the preacher with the second most beautiful woman in the world (my Tonya is the first). So stop whining and start loving your wife. The rewards are far beyond what you can imagine. I am living proof of that.

John L.


What do you think? Pearls of wisdom? Certainly beautiful reading!
Best wishes to you!
Hugs,

Susan,

Are you psychic or something? I was just about to search for that very same post! I did see it a couple of days ago and I was thinking that is probably where I need to be right now in recovery. FWS is trying his butt off, but I feel like there is some kind of wall or barrier that I need to get through. And I don't think it's all because of the A. I think this is what contributed to FWS having the A. He wants to feel that I love him, that I choose him, that I want to be with him forever. He's looking for *passion*. But I'm usually the logical, practical, calm half of the M. I take care of the day-to-day stuff and don't know how to find the romance in a moment, a look, or a touch. I think I'll hang out in Emotional Needs for awhile.