I have been feeling so anxious, so sick inside these past few days. I have tried to ask my husband a few questions about his affairs in a calm manner. He will only give short answers, mostly "I don't remember", "I don't know", "yes", or "no." After he answers one question, he gets up and leaves.

I know he doesn't want to talk about them. He says the only time he thinks of OW is when I bring them up and he wants to put them in the past and move on. He won't read any of the books I bought or articles I have printed from the internet. He says he loves me and wants to stay in the marriage but he never talks about us or ever does anything with me. Our conversations are about the weather, what's for dinner, or our sons. This is not the way I want things to be but I feel hopeless in making changes.

I finally got so upset tonight I went for a drive. When I got back I watched TV in our bedroom while he was in the living room. When it was time for him to go to bed, we switched places. I then went into the bedroom to ask him why he wouldn't talk to me about the important issues, i.e., his affairs and rebuilding our marriage. He just said he didn't want to talk about it. I just exploded. I guess I had been trying to hold back these past few days hoping we could talk. I said horrible things including that I hated him and that I knew he was going to have another affair because he wasn't working on making necessary changes. He told me to go ahead and file for divorce.

He then told me that he had the affairs because he was "unhappy." He said he compared our marriage to the people at work and they were having so much more fun and doing more things together. He was jealous of them. I asked him why he didn't tell me that he was unhappy or ask me to do things or go placed he wanted to go. He said he didn't know. He also told me that he was "shy" and had a hard time talking to me. If you knew this man, you would never suspect he was shy. I have known him almost 26 years and "shy" was never a word I would use. He talks to everyone, knows all of our neighbors, flirts with attractive women, has lots of friends, and I always considered him very outgoing.

I am uncomfortable about his "excuse" of being unhappy. I told him that I had been unhappy for the past twelve years while he was having affairs and I didn't have an affair. He just said "that was my choice." Yes, I guess I chose to stay faithful and he chose not to. There are big differences in our personalities. I try to be happy with what I have and put other's wants/needs before mine. He is never happy with what he has and is very selfish.

I am afraid this marriage will soon be over if he continues to avoid working through this with me. He told me that he didn't think I ever loved him in the 24 years we have been together. What? Who had the affairs here? I am making myself sick. I am still not eating or sleeping regularly even with anti-depressants and sleep aids. I don't know what to do anymore. I am tired of being the only one trying.

Toofargone,

HOLD on to hope. Don't let go. FWH taker seems to be working overtime. He seems to have gotten to the point of having habitual A and his responses are totally inconsiderate of you.

To me it seems you may need to take a different approach. If he will not answer your questions and isn't cooperative maybe you should go in the opposite direction. Perhaps lay low until her will. Maybe you would be better to sweeten the pot a bit. In other words work on fillins EN that he will allow. Try to without LB. Try to w/out discussing A. Maybe give it a couple days then seek to inquire. But when you to try to only moderately. If you try to hard to get info he may resist even more.

H is definitely blaming you for his mistakes. Also acting uncooperative and may be open to contining A or start another one. What is his ammends for repeating A? What is the history of Plan A? Wishing you the best. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am afraid this marriage will soon be over if he continues to avoid working through this with me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It will be. Affairs don't kill marriages. Refusing to work on the marriage so that the problems and patterns that led to the affair are not corrected or changed kills marriages.

Dear Toofargone: Have you asked your husband if he would go for mc? I was in somewhat of the same situation -EA's and my husband said the same thing - didn't remember and didn't want to talk about it, long story but after a year we did finally make it into mc and the counsellor seemed to know the right questions to ask to open up the communication. Things are much better between us. If your husband won't go to mc you should definately go for yourself to get some help, I went through the same thing, lost 20 pounds, had to force myself to eat, depressed and cried alot. You need to take care of yourself
right now and then you will be better able to help heal your marriage.