I respect what you both have to say, so I hope you can help.

As you both know, I've been Plan Aing for several months, now, and have also enabled the A. I'm currently drafting my PBL.

Ordinarilly, WH allows me to fill ENS and is receptive of my efforts. However, the last week and a half has been so horrible. He seems to have shifted gears on me. Last friday, he let me know that he picked up D papers. He said that the reality of it bothered him. I do know that he and OW are still talking, so I'm wondering if she is putting pressure on him. ie, "I won't see you again until your M is over..." Although, I really don't see her being that considerate!!! lol. I think Plan B will open his eyes to the reality of D. Limited visitation with children, and I will not be around to take care of his every need. I asked him if he thought it would be easier to just give up (D), rather than try to save the M? He said he didn't know.

A few weeks back, I gained some info, that H doesn't know I know. Two months ago, he had a ONS with another girl from work. I believe it was a ploy to make OW jealous (the two can't stand each other), and OW knows about it. I'm thinking that H feels he has messed up so badly, that I could not forgive him for all the stuff he hasn't told me, nor be able to forgive himself and rebuild M. Should I let him know that I know about ONS, and that that makes no difference in my desire to save M? I don't want him to think I condone ONS, but I don't want him to think that it might keep me from still wanting M. I'm just afraid he will deny it, and get defensive. I have a very reliable source at his work, that he doesn't know about.

If I'm going to do this (plan B), I want to do it exactly right, no LB's. But right now, I'm getting to the angry stage, and it's becoming neccessary.

Thank you- MOP

Gosh MOP,

I have wondered about replying to you for a while but here's the thing...I am really careful not to overstep my boundaries with posting here. I'll share my experiences, my coping techniques and the areas I'm familiar with (like a typical BS reaction, a typical WS reaction).

But I'm out of my depth here totally...have you tried posting to Starfish or Cerri on JFO? Or GQ II?

You need some support for sure. Your situation is complex definitely. I think rh is right...Plan B is probably the way to go but I know you are looking for some very specific answers.

My only suggestion is to keep on detaching, working on yourself, keeping yourself (or making yourself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) a top priority in your life. Protect yourself because Plan B can be a very long ride.

If it helps, I just heard yet another story...WS came to his wife loooong after the divorce, after his OW relationship ended...head in hands, weeping...how could he have been so stupid? And yet at the time, no one could tell him any different...he was in love, had never loved his wife that way, blah blah blah...

So I think the fact that your H is conflicted is a good sign. Whether or not he ever gets his sh*t together is questionable. Hence my suggestion that you work on you, spend your thoughts, time and energy on you, let him truly reap the consequences of his behaviour and see how he feels at that time.

Take care of yourself MOP...you are a strong, good person...you will endure...awed

P.S. How is the baby? How's the toddler? Does she like her baby B???

P.P.S. Is your MIL still supportive?

awed,
Thanks for the response. I can totally picture my H being just like your example given. Every addiction he's had in the past (vicodin, gambling), he had to discover himself. No one else could say, "Hello, dumb$^#, you're really messing up here." But, eventually, he "gets it." That's really the only reason I've been able to hang on like this. But for some reason, all the lies have made this one really messy, and he's having a way harder time shaking it.

My MIL is still supportive of me, in fact, his entire family is on my side (so to speak). MIL is so disgusted by her son's selfish behavior. She respects my position (Plan A), but admits she believes I should have left his sorry butt long ago. His whole family is pretty upset with him, and really hoping he pulls his head out soon. He's really damaged a lot of relationships in his family. His sister used to be his best friend. But now, he just thinks that everyone is "messed up" and he's upset that none of them supported him. (yeah, they're gonna support you while you mess around on your pregnant wife-FOG!!!)

The baby's great, and so is big sister. She adores him, and is a great help to me. I don't know what I would do without my kids. They keep me busy, for sure!!!

Yes, I read that info on detachment you offered lbc. I'll try the exercises. In a way, H and I are in the same boat. We're both looking for some wise person to tell us what to do... Show us the way...

Thank you awed
MOP

Ordinarilly, WH allows me to fill ENS and is receptive of my efforts. However, the last week and a half has been so horrible. He seems to have shifted gears on me. Last friday, he let me know that he picked up D papers. He said that the reality of it bothered him. I do know that he and OW are still talking, so I'm wondering if she is putting pressure on him. ie, "I won't see you again until your M is over..." Although, I really don't see her being that considerate!!!

Actually, I think you are probably right...that the OW is putting pressure for him to leave you. So let's talk about exposure. You say you did a plan A. Did you expose the affair???? If not, you're not done with Plan A. editted to add....jsut read your second post....sounds like his family knows....who else? Sounds like work is the achilles heel to me.

I think Plan B will open his eyes to the reality of D. Limited visitation with children, and I will not be around to take care of his every need. I asked him if he thought it would be easier to just give up (D), rather than try to save the M? He said he didn't know.

This is the EXACT WRONG reason to go to Plan B. Plan B is NOT about him...it's about you. The biggest Plan B mistake on this board is that people go into it with the idea that it will "shock" their spouse into coming it back. It might....but that is not the reason for doing it. It is to relieve YOU of the pain of facing the affair everyday. It is to protect your love for you spouse. It is to give you enough peace to move on with your life while leaving the door open for reconciliation.


A few weeks back, I gained some info, that H doesn't know I know. Two months ago, he had a ONS with another girl from work. I believe it was a ploy to make OW jealous (the two can't stand each other), and OW knows about it. I'm thinking that H feels he has messed up so badly, that I could not forgive him for all the stuff he hasn't told me, nor be able to forgive himself and rebuild M. Should I let him know that I know about ONS, and that that makes no difference in my desire to save M?

Sounds like another thing that needs to be exposed to me....including to the OW. Do you want to inject some conflict into THAT relationship? Sounds ideal. Is the OW married? Have you spoken to her H? Have you spoken to your H's boss? If you've already done this...then yes, you may be ready for Plan B. If not....it's time to consider it NOW.

I don't want him to think I condone ONS, but I don't want him to think that it might keep me from still wanting M. I'm just afraid he will deny it, and get defensive. I have a very reliable source at his work, that he doesn't know about.

Maybe you need to be considering whether YOU want him instead, of worrying about whether he'll still want you. You are enabling this man's very bad behavior. Don't you think it's time to stop? The time frame for doing a Plan A is 3 to six months....after that, it just enables the affair. You are not setting boundaries or enforcing them....and it's past time to begin.

I don't make it to this board alot....but I'll try to look back in okay?

<small>[ December 15, 2003, 07:29 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

This exactly why I want to to draft PBL. It would make you think logistically and emotionally w/ clear head now then later. I do beleive you have to do plan B sooner or later. Finish your PBL then review your plan A action list and some actions that star*fish's suggested.

Some WS couldn't stand BS when they are doing a good job in plan A. WS would reject you, push you away since to accept your changes mean that they are the bad ones. i.e. you have remove the reason (fog) for WS to justify the A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>We're both looking for some wise person to tell us what to do... Show us the way...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You should call Harley's or cerri ... seek advice there. We are here just to give our bias 2¢ based on our experience.

-rh-

Hi MOP,

So glad to hear about your kids! Your little girl sounds terrific...adoring big sister and helpful at only 3 1/2! Wow...

It's really good to hear you have support from his family...I am sure that must help. Particularly with such young kids, just having someone available if needed...I remember how much my single parent sister leaned on my mom at various times.

Hang in there and take good care of yourself...awed