Susan,

I was reading on this site earlier this week and found this thread. I'll post it here.

Stung by a Bee
Member
Member # 30000

posted January 13, 2004 12:13 PM
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I heard this letter on air and found it on Dr. Laura's website. What do you all think of this?


Dear Dr. Laura,

After listening to your caller today who wanted to know what to do because he didn’t “feel” love for his wife anymore, but felt like he would towards a sister, I felt compelled to comment.

Two years ago I was in a similar situation. I merely tolerated being married because I didn’t want my three children (at the time ages 16, 10, and 3) to come from a broken home. I finally came to the realization one day that I was responsible for my feelings, and I did something about it.

I resolved right then and there that nobody – friends, family, coworkers (not even you, Dr. Laura) – would hear me say anything negative or critical about my wife. Every word anybody heard from me would be only positive when it concerned her. If I had anything of that nature to say, I could lovingly discuss it with her or shut up about it and that was that. I also decided that, no matter how I FELT, I would always treat her as though she was the single most beautiful thing God had ever created, and that any act of love I could do for her, I would do. I wake up in the morning and bring her a fresh, hot cup of coffee in bed. Then I warm up the shower and make sure to wash her back for her (I didn’t have to pretend I enjoyed that). I cheerfully cook dinner when she has had a difficult day, give our daughter her bath and insist that she take a nap on Sunday afternoon after church.

Although I sometimes find the topic as exciting as a cold mashed potato sandwich, I pay attention to what she says and comment on it because that is more important than what is happening on Law and Order on television. I even do grocery shopping, alone or with her if she likes. I even go clothes shopping with her (usually every man’s nightmare) and give her genuine input and show honest interest. The idea is to spend time with her, regardless of what we are doing. I looked for genuine ways to compliment her (I’m really impressed with your knowledge of special needs children). I pamper, take care of, and generally spoil my sweetheart as much and as often as I can.

Since you have a background in psychology, you can guess what happened. If you change your behavior, your mind follows suit. I didn’t have to spend much time telling her how incredible she was before I began to believe everything I told her. Tonya became more beautiful by the day, and is far more intelligent than I ever gave her credit for before my “awakening.”

It has been over two years, and our life together is far and away better than anything I could have imagined. Tonya is my best friend, wife, sweetheart and companion all wrapped up into one fabulously beautiful package, and we grow closer by the day. I don’t always “feel” love, but I always make it a point to “do” loving things so that she can “feel” loved. We will be married 23 years on the 22nd of this month, and people we meet think we are newlyweds because we are so affectionate with each other.

If I could talk to your caller, I would tell him to stop expecting his marriage to fix itself. Love isn’t a feeling, it is an action word. Love is what you promised to do when you stood before the preacher with the second most beautiful woman in the world (my Tonya is the first). So stop whining and start loving your wife. The rewards are far beyond what you can imagine. I am living proof of that.

John L.


Made me think about my W and how our marriage could be if she ever came back. I believe in the principles of this site and there is no one that I would rather have as my W then my W. We have so much history together and she belongs with me and our kids. Yes, she has lied, cheated, told me she doesn't love me, hasn't supported our kids, and has been very selfish, but once all the 'fog' clears, there's this smart, amazing, beautiful woman that I know so well and can't stand being without... I love her...

I don't know how you feel about your H right now. But, can you remember the man he used to be? He's still that man somewhere lost in the 'fog'. Just something to think about. Let us know how you're doing. Take care of yourself....

Redhat, you're right:
You have to see if you want to work on M if WH is totally repentance and willing to ammends you the right way.
And sadly he is not. They are off together on a trip this weekend. He doesn't know I know. But things just got much clearer. I just can't do this anymore. I am doing this all by myself and all it is doing is hurting me.

Yes, this is cakeeating. What he wants is to keep me hanging on by a thread while he explores his relationship with the OW. He hopes I will be around when he's done. So he is just trying to string me along.

Lost, I LOVED your post. That was so right:
I would tell him to stop expecting his marriage to fix itself. Love isn’t a feeling, it is an action word.
Sadly I cannot have action while there is another person in the picture.
How are things going for you?

I do have a question. This came up during my counseling session and I suspect there are others here who have this issue as well. Over the past few months (and with the first A three years ago) I put up with an unbelievable amount of horribly hurtful things...from his actions (such as taking the OW on trips) to his words ("fog talk" etc.)

Where is my rightful indignation? Why do I even CONSIDER staying in a marriage with this man when he is obviously so awful? Why do I experience the hurt and not the anger? Is something wrong with me?

Thanks, guys!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SusanBT:
<strong> Where is my rightful indignation? Why do I even CONSIDER staying in a marriage with this man when he is obviously so awful? Why do I experience the hurt and not the anger? Is something wrong with me? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Easy answer ... all BS went through that stage of greif.

Susan, you missed this one ....

"Redhat, you're right:
You have to see if you want to work on M if WH is totally repentance and willing to ammends you the right way.
And sadly he is not. They are off together on a trip this weekend. He doesn't know I know. But things just got much clearer. I just can't do this anymore. I am doing this all by myself and all it is doing is hurting me."

It is not about him it is about you. If there is no OW and if he is willing 1000% to ammend you, even willing "eating your [censored] happily (sorry my language, I borrow it from someone)".

DO YOU WANT HIM BACK ?.

-rh-

<small>[ January 19, 2004, 09:19 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Susan - Time for Plan B and letter. Your H is exactly like mine, wanting to reconcile, but still seeing OW. I have been in Plan B for 4 months. Broke Plan B right before Christmas. He said he wanted to reconcile and OW was out of the picture. I caught them in bed 4 days ago.

Now I am trying to get back into Plan B, and you need to do the same. Then you can objectively look at your marriage, and your outlook will become clearer.

Susan,
I'm so sorry the A is on again. At least, you know what is going on and he can't deceive you. I really was at the end of my rope before FWS' A ended. He was even looking for an apartment. I know Plan B is hard, but that is probably the answer here. I know I would have sucked at Plan B, though.
I don't have any problem with anger. I was LB'ing all over the place towards the end. Only coming to MB could calm me down. I think your anger is there, you might just be afraid to tap into it. What would it mean if you could reach it? Maybe you'd be the one to leave and not look back?

Hi Susan,

How are you? You know, I've been trying to stay upbeat, but lately I've felt kinda down. I almost feel like I'm losing hope. I've been kinda angry at W. I haven't made contact with her in about 2 weeks. I'm trying to maintain my plan B and I really don't want to talk to her, but I just want to hear from her to know that she is even thinking about me at all. I kinda just want to yell and say what a piece of *@!$ she's being! I hope I don't depress you with this but I needed to vent to somebody. I hope you are doing better than me......

Susan,
How are you? Just wanted to say hello.....

Hi Susan,
Haven't heard anything from you in a while and was wondering how you were...

I haven't contacted WW in over a month this time around. I'm beginning to lose hope. Been thinking that maybe I don't want her back. I almost wish she would ask to come back and I could just tell her no so I could feel in control for 1 minute in my life. I know I wouldn't do that, but I wish I could.

Anyway, how are you? Keep us posted...