Some of you will know the thread and I was doing okay until now. My WH left over three months ago and is living with OW. Straight away I went into Plan B and was doing okay. I felt after two months I was getting together a little and coming to terms with WH and OW being together. Then WH started trying to contact me and I ignored his phone calls and told him via text that I was busy but he would still see the children. After a few days he texted saying how he really missed me. Then phoned and I unfortunately spkoe with him mainly to hear what he had to say which was that he had made a mistake, still loved me, the grass is not greener on the other side etc etc I guess most people have heard all this before. I used this opportunity to ask what had changed and he said nothing, the problem is with him not with me and that he needed to get help. This I agreed with and told him that I had nothing to say or I could not contemplate anything whilst he was living with OW. Great I hear you all say but since we have had a couple of intimate moments ( luckily not proceeding to sex) but now he has changed his mind and says that he can't make me happy and that for the moment he is better off with the OW and I am better off without him. I told him Plan B letter instead of writing one about how I do love him and he does need to seek help with or without my help and that I will be here for him if and when he decides what he wants to do but that he needs to leave the OW for us to work out our problems. This is how it has been left me sitting at home and him returning to the OW. I have gone back into Plan B which I know he hates, he says it kills him when I shut him out but this is the only way I can cope. What if he changes his mind again how can I be sure that it is what he wants. Do I wait for him.

Been together 19 years.
Married 10 years
Two children 6 and 10
WH has had several affairs 5 that I know of this is the first time he has left home.
A started 3 months ago.
WH left 3 months ago

Hi feelingit,

Ugh.Well,WH tested you and you failed,Sorry.But those couple of intimate moments made him realize that you are still there in the periphery and he just hopped back on the fence again.

My suggestion would be to STAY in that Plan B and stick to it until and only until you are absolutely SURE that OW is out of the picture and a NC letter was written to her by WH.Even if he is saying things to you that make it "seem" like he wants to put you first,make sure he sits down with you and you both review a NC letter and watch him send it.

I am in the same boat so stay strong with me.No more contact except briefly for the kids.No phone calls,let him e-mail you or send info via a mediator or friend,etc.

TOO BAD if it kills your WH to be in Plan B! Plan B is all about taking care of YOU and letting him know that OW has to be out of the picture before any reconciling takes place.The key is deciding for yourself,just how long you will wait.I am currently deciding that myself.It may be as long as 6 months but maybe not.

I am the only one who has done the work to try to salvage our marriage but I will not be second best and I will not let my life continue in limbo eternally.We all have to make this decision which is hard but let time pass and see how you feel.You don't have to make any drastic decision about D just yet.I am having a hard time myself deciding if I even want my WH back.That has changed for me lately.I no longer am so desperate to work on things so much as I am not sure I want someone like WH back in my life again.

Hang in there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

O

Hi Feeling

Yep, been there, done that and worn the t-shirt.
He came looking for assurances, you gave him them and now he's off with OW again in the knowledge his *safety net* is still intact. I had a H who did exactly the same and four weeks after leaving up until the sixth month after he left. He wanted to come home, said he loved me, he missed me, he was torn in two between I and OW. In other phone calls he would say that he was unhappy with OW because he still loved me, he loved me more than OW, he wanted to reconcile, said he was scared to be with me alone because he wanted to kiss me, LOL....blah, blah, blah..... and every time he called he got assurance after reassurance from me and so he was in no hurry to end his affair because he knew that stupid me was sitting around waiting for him.....or at least I was anyway.

If I'd given my H half the chance to be intimate with me, he'd have taken it!! He wanted us both, but NO WAY was I or am I about to play the *other woman*....

Wish I'd known about PlanB when my H was doing all of this wavering because I would have opted for it immediately and stuck to it. I'd advise you to stick to a firm PlanB, give him NO MORE assurances! Do not make his transistion to OW easy for him like stupid me did!

And so what if PlanB kills him?? He is with OW because of HIS choice to be with her, not yours. Seems he wants the best of both worlds.......don't give him it!!

<small>[ December 30, 2003, 11:03 AM: Message edited by: Lianne37 ]</small>

Hi Octobergirl/Lianne37

Nice to talk to you both again.

Thanks for your posts I Knew that I had failed and blown Plan B big time and I guess I just wanted to hear what you both say what I already know. WH admitted he was torn between the two of us and wanted both of us. I told him I didn't want to be the other woman/mistress as I'm his wife for gods sake. I think he is just so used to me being around and taking him back that he knows which buttons to press and how to win me over. But what he doesn't realise is that I am learning and becoming stronger as a person and I know I do not want to be treated this way I deserve much better.

I am sure you both have heard all the speal before that comes out of WH mouths. I feel guilty (so you should) when i see you and the kids but I feel disloyal to OW.

I see this as a blipp and will stay strong. It is great to have this site to turn to for reasaurance and advice. It is when I am at your most vulnerable and lowest and feel I can't cope with all these emotions that I come here and see there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Well I am going out tomorrow night to see the new year in with friends I feel much more positive now. Thank you both and lets hope 2004 will be our year.

Hi again,

I'm glad you see the light! lol I really hope you stay strong too and have a WONDERFUL time out with your friends tomorrow.You deserve it.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />