I started posting in August of September of this year. I'm currently in Plan B and my H filed for DV in November. He allowed me to get through the holidays as requested, but now seems to be driving the divorce as fast as possible. He's made plans to have a real estate agent come to the house to put it on the market, have a landscaper come fix up the back yard and have a handyman fix things in the house. Oh, BTW, he's paying for this with the sale of some stock, which would be joint property in our state. Hmmm, how come he can request that I do not dispose of any joint property but he does not have to abide by that same request???

Anyways, I haven't seen or talked to him in 4 weeks. I have an intermediary for email and my oldest son drops his younger brother off for visits. I happened to see my H driving down the street yesterday and it brought back all those memories and the nagging question. . . why??? I'm having a really hard time because I really want my H back but he'd rather be with his OW. I'm having a hard time accepting everything that's been handed down to me -- it seems I've had not say in all of this. I also feel like a huge failure, to myself and to my children.

Many people, even friends unrelated to the MB boards, tell me he's not happy, he's making a big mistake and some day he'll realize that, etc. I know it should make me feel better, but of course, he looks happy so. . . .you know the drill. I think my rational side and my emotional side are definitely at war with each other.

Dealing with all the issues of the Dv don't help me to move forward, it seems to keep everything fresh, like an open wound that just never heals.

My head knows that time heals all wounds, but does your heart ever heal? I'm still trying to figure out in my head how I'm going to face my H time after time when it comes to the children. It's so painful to me that I cannot even see him or I break down and cry. Plan B seems to work, as long as I don't have to see him, think about him, etc. Does anyone have any suggestions on books that helped them to overcome some of these issues, feelings, etc.????

Thanks for listening,
Hope

I felt the same way. Plan B did help alot, but the few times I did see WW my world would crash again. I know it is hard. I know I started working on me and that helped alot. I figured out alot of my inner problems that led to a very disfunctional marriage. Both W and I come from some pretty messed up families. I think the best book I read for me, not for the affair or marriage, but for me, was Dr Phil's book Relationship Rescue. The biggest thing I got out of it was that you can't change other people but you can change yourself and no one else is responsible for your happiness. It can only come from you. This principle is very hard to put to practice and I try everyday. But, it does make sense and I know it is true, but like I said it is very hard to do. I guess one day it'll finally set in and I'll be able to make myself happy and hopefully W will be there and I can help her feel the same happiness...

I know you see a happy man when you see your husband. You may think that everything is great on his part, but he is going through some tough times also. He is dealing with some very deep guilt issues and misses his kids tremendously. He thinks that by getting a DV everything will be better. Everything will start to fall into place. You will get over him, and the kids will accept the OW. But, you know what, the same feelings will continue to eat at him even if he does get a DV. He will never have the relationship with his kids that he wants and the guilt about leaving you will eat away at him and it will take a big toll on his new relationship. Please remember most affairs never lead to marriage and if they do marry, only about 3 percent survive. Your husband is carrying around alot of emotional baggage and he is running from his real problems. He will never have a great relationship until he works through these things.

I know you feel helpless. I have felt that many times. I have worked on me and some great things have come about. I have a much better relationship with my Ds and I'm in much better physical shape than I've been in for years. I have come to realize alot of my inner issues and have hopefully put some of them to rest. I have a long way to go, but I'm a much better person now than before and I am better prepared for the future. I know that even if I get a DV, I'll be able to use what I've learned and have a better life because of it. My biggest hope is use what I've learned with my W and we can rebuild our M and have one that is better than we ever thought possible. So, don't give up hope. Somehow, things will work out and if you work on yourself, you will be prepared for the future and whatever it holds. Keep us posted. Know that you are not alone. You have the greatest support group in the world right here. I know I do and I use all of you to my advantage every day!...

Hope,

I too want to lend my support.I am not dealing with D,yet but am rapidly becoming aware of just how much I have grown in the last few months and how much stronger I am because of what I have gone through.I think for all of us,time does heal our hearts and minds even though we will never forget but also we are now scarred for life,never the same again.But that doesn't mean we are not brave and cannot survive,because that's exactly what we all are: survivors.

If you allow yourself to feel the pain that you feel and "walk" through it,I really think this is the better and faster way to healing.If you were to be the type of person that keeps everything inside and holds back the tears,this can impede your recovery.So,for me,whenever I am feeling down,I feel it and it passes.I take the time to pamper myself when I am going through this stage.I truly feel as though this has helped me,just dealing with the pain each day and little by little it has lessened.That is comforting for me to know, that I can rely on myself in really tough times.So that no matter what,I will be ok,whenever and wherever I am.

Keep your dignity,hold that head up high.You have been wronged but WILL survive.

If seeing your WH hurts you,as it does for me somewhat,try to figure out how to NOT see him but still exchange the children with him.Also,have you considered seeking some advice from a Lawyer regarding the home,etc?( Is it in his name only or jointly owned?) I have,just an initial consultation about questions I had and it only cost me $180,not much for my peace of mind.

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