I need to do something. I feel like I am just sitting here. I feel that by me not doing something about this, I am only pushing them closer together. I can't do this anymore. He even told me that he loves her in a way. How could that be? He has known her for 2 months. He has been with me for almost 9 years. I want to hurt her, and shake him until he sees what he lost. Our two kids say they don't want to go by daddy because of her. So I feel like he is choosing her over his own kids. In case you are wondering they are now living together, she is stuck to him like glue. If I could just talk to him alone, I think he would see. But on the other hand, maybe I should leave it alone. Maybe he does love her, and it is really over between us. I don't know. Please advise. I am so confused and am tired of hurting all the time.

goodgirl - There is nothing you can do to split them up. You probably won't believe this now, but it will just bring you grief. You'll feel like if you can just talk to him, explain to him, reason with him, beg him, make him feel guilty, etc., he will "understand". Forget it. Won't happen.

What you can do to change things is work on yourself, make changes in yourself. Take good care of you and your children, clean the house, paint, do the yard, organize, exercise, join a support group, go out with friends, etc. When he sees you going on without him, he will probably change his mind and be back with you. Then you can do the MB program. Start reading up now.

Good luck, I promise you, if you stick with this program, things will get better.

You are right I find that hard to belive right now. I feel that I can't go on without him. He and I met when I was 17. He was and still is my first love. I cry at the thought of not having him in my life. I feel like I am an emotional reck. Nothing is the same. I can't eat, I can't sleep. All I do is keep thinking what could I have done differently. Was it me? Why did he do this? Does she mean more to him than I do? When will he come home. Why doesn't he try to talk to me about this? Is he thinking about me at all? Is he thinking about his kids? WHY?????

sweetie- I promise things will get better. When I found out, I couldn't eat, sleep, work, nothing. He has temporarily flipped out. He is like an addict. He has forgotten you, children, and the whole world. But this will not last.

Please take care of yourself, and kids, he will not be any help right now. But usually they do come back. In the meantime, you need to read here and work on MB program, so that you will be ready.

Try to calm down, you may want to go to doctor and get anti-depressants to help you through this.

Keep reading here and posting. We will get you through this.

Thanks for the eords of encouragement. I am all ready on an anti-depressent. It does not seem to be working. I know this will take time, but I am a very impatient person. Do you think that he really lost his mind? Do you think he really will come back? What do I do when and if he does?

Goodgirl,

Please read the articles on this site and then go read Surviving an Affair, by Harley. You are missing something very important. It is the very thing that this whole site is based on. AFFAIRS END.

The whole Marriage Builders concept is based on this simple FACT. Most affairs end; many in 6 months or so, some within two years, and a few persist. Harley's thinking was that if the BS can hang in there and make positive changes in themselves that there is a good chance or rebuilding the marriage, but it only happens AFTER the affair ends. There are a few things you can do to hasten it, Plan A, is one. Then Plan B, but basically the affair has to end BEFORE you can rebuild.

So this whole concept is based on patience, self-improvement, and then following some simple but difficult things "radical honesty", the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA, and the 4 rules for marriage. Please read about these in the articles on this site. They will come into play when you start to rebuild your marriage AFTER the affair ends.

It is very painful to watch what you are having to watch, that is part of what plan B is all about, but plan B should only be done after a good plan A. Please read the articles on these concepts.

It is your feeling of needing to do "something" that often prematurely ends a marriage. I mean many people when confronted with your situation say "either end the affair or I will divorce you." Guess what that often leads to?? Right, divorce.

But, Harley's idea was that the marriage could be saved IF the BS simply waited for the affair to end. He also noted that affairs were a serious form of addiction (dealing with addicts was a part of his practice for years). Because the WS is addicted most of what they say doesn't make sense. Around here people refer to it as the "fog". Once the affair ends, there is often a period of "withdrawal" just as an addict would have. Please read about this as well.

So the idea here of doing "something" is to educate yourself, learn the plans, the thoughts on affairs, the concepts of meeting needs, and most of all learn about communications. It seems to many that bad communications is what leads to many of these situations.

You have plenty to "do", so get after it. Your cause is NOT LOST.

God Bless,

JL

Thankyou for your words of kindness. I feel like I can use all the support that I can get. I called today and set up an appointment for counceling for myself. Hopefully someday he will join me. I plan on going out tonight and getting just smashed. I figured it is well deserved. Who knows, maybe I'll sleep tonight. I also called his family today and told them about the affair. They all sided with him and told me that I was obviously not doing something right if he had to turn to someone else. Great support there isn't it. My family also learned of the affair today. All they said was I told you so. Wonderful people aren't they. I hope everything goes ok tonight. My worse fear is running into him. Not so much about her, she can't even get into the bar.LOL
I wouldn't know what to do if I saw him. Wish me luck and fun. Happy new years!

I can relate to you. My husband has been having an affair for 2 months now. I suspected it but officially found out Christmas Eve.Since then I even talked to her on the phone & got more details of their affair .( found out truths about his lies) Then I kept telling her how this will hurt everyone especially our children. She says he loves him & he loves her. I just can't belive you can have true love after only 2 months. I have debated him leaving but now I see it's the only way for us to either rebuild our love or move on. I am like you I can't eat ,sleep & barely function. I just started on antidepressants too & will be seeing a psychiatrist next week. It is very hard I feel totally abandoned & betrayed. I just can't understand how men could be so cruel to the mothers of their children.

I just can't belive you can have true love after only 2 months

My H said it was true love with OW and after only a three week affair!! LOL

As with all affairs, true LUST would be more near the mark!!

Hang in there. My WH also left me nearly three months ago and is living with OW after knowing her for three weeks. I had no choice but to go into Plan B straight away. He stills sees the children. He is a total wreck at the moment and started saying he loved me, never wanted to leave etc. This was all in the heat of the moment and he has changed his mind once again and is staying with OW. I am telling you this as this could have set me right back to square one and for a split second I felt lost and unable to cope. Coming here and airing your thoughts and recieving replies is were you get your support. We all know what you are going through and feel for you.

What I am trying to say is listen to advice from this site and read as much info you can this will keep your mind occupied and make you able to cope with your feelings etc.

Look after yourself and the children and make some changes in your life that you were unable to do, like paint the bathroom the colour you always wanted. Get that new haircut you wanted but your H didn't want you to have etc. Just do things for yourself and stay strong. You will get through this and when and if your WS does decide to return you will be able to cope with telling him what you want via the MB guidelines of course.

You are right. I need to work on makning myself a better person. There are a lot of things that I want out of life. My first goal is to finish college. I only have 3 more years left. I have managed to keep my 4.0 GPA. I have been excepted to a very distinguished college. This is something that I really want not only for myself, but for my kids as well. I guess I am confused. My H called me a little while ago. He asked if he could come over and talk when he gets off work. I said that was fine. So now I am sitting here wondering what he wants to talk about. My worse nightmare is that he is going to tell me that the OW is pregnant. Oh God!!! That would be the end of me. I really feel that if that was to happen that I would not be able to try and work things out. That would be the straw that broke the camels back. Then on the other hand, what if he wants to get back togther. What do I say? I feel like maybe I will be all right. But what if he comes here and says that he loves me. I can't go through that again. My heart can't take that again. I also know that no matter what he says to me doesn't matter. He will leave here and go home to her. Please advise on what to do...

My worse nightmare is that he is going to tell me that the OW is pregnant.

Mine too.

Our daughter told me early October that my H was talking of marrying his OW which means he has to divorce me first and that was bad enough to hear. But to hear that his OW was pregnant, well that would be worse because her being pregnant and giving birth to his child would be something that was real and was DEFINITELY going to happen........whereas a forthcoming marriage could have been just *fog talk* on his part and it may not happen. They'd probably marry eventually if she got pregnant though.

OW in my sitch is nearly 35 though, so is my H, so she's a bit over the hill to be having kids I reckon. Her eldest and only child is 11 years old.....it's strange why she had no more to her H.
My H has only ONE child and the child we share together, reckoned he didn't want anymore but time will tell I guess. Depends I suppose on whether they want to cement their relationship further/or how much more OW wants to further dig her claws into him to try and keep him. What these OW's should remember though is, if these men left one wife and their children behind, they can quite easily and are capable of leaving a second wife and children behind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So he's coming to talk? If he wants to talk reconciliation and if he is sincere, he WON'T go back to OW. If he does go back to her after talking reconciliation, then he has probably more than likely come seeking assurances that you are still there for him, that he still has a *safety net* intact. So best not give him any assurances until at least you know what his true intentions are. Let him do the talking.