After a few weeks of this affair I have had all I can take. We made our arrangements & he will be leaving in the next few days. He said maybe all we need is a few weeks maybe more. That makes things sound hopeful but I told him a few things would have to change .First he cannot have any contact with her & second they can not work at the same place. He is the Boss so I would assume it's a possability to have her transfered or *ired . I have been in so much pain over this & have tried plan A .I am ready to set him free & see if this will work to save our marriage of 15 years & three small children. He still will be coming by to watch them nearly every day while I work so at least for the kids sake it will be good but I just don't know what are the odds that he will realize what he is throwing away once he moves out?

Have you ever seen this post before? Especially the Plan A links? by Zorweb and Cerri? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. If your spouse is NOT willing to work on your marriage, is denying involvement in an affair despite the evidence, and/or is continuing an affair, read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, below). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. Your situation is harder, but your chances of saving your marriage and actually making it better than before are still good. But, whether your spouse is "on board" or not, you should do three things:

1.) Learn. The most important and helpful single source of information for my wife and I was “Surviving an Affair” by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them. So that you can get started right away, while waiting for SAA to arrive in the mail, read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity You will find that I mostly followed his plan. It works. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thank you Johnh39 for your advice.I can't say I know what I'm doing about letting him go but I have tried everything else .It is as if he has already gone .He only was coming home to watch the kids & take a shower & sleep on the couch.I hope that he will realize he is making a mistake & hope it is soon. One of the only things that have helped me is having God on my side & I am hoping he will soon find him again.This whole situation is very painful to everyone & I am trying everything I can just to get through daily life. Thanks for your support.

Only you know what you can stand. I threw my H out on D-day. Now he is living with OW. I found this site a couple months later, but doubt that I could have done Plan A anyway. He was so completely wrapped up in OW, and was doing nothing with me or at home for months before I knew about A.

While you are going through this it will help to work on yourself. At the first it is difficult, but make yourself walk, clean the house sparkling, organize, join support group, make time to go out with friends, etc. Do things that you will feel good about.

Nemo: One of the things that finally helped me was realizing that I no longer had a marriage. It takes time, but I do believe we come to understand that what is going to happen will happen and we need to be as strong as we can for our children. Before you set him free, make sure you have done a good Plan A, as long as you can. I read in this website and in Surviving an Affair that one of the typical mistakes a BS can make is to wait too long to implement Plan B. That was me. But you definately have to do Plan A first! Show him without Love Busters that your home, your family, and you are a great alternative to what he is doing now. But don't expect he will understand or see it now - he is in a fog. But if you SHOW it to him now, he will eventually remember it when things go awry in his affair. Belive me, people had to beat it into my brain many times that you have to endure this pain now if you truly hope to have the opportunity to save your marriage. One thing that someone here helped me with is to put a phrase in your mind, in your car, where ever you need it so that you can focus on it when the times get tough. The phrase that helped that person was: "Do I want to be right, or do I want to be married?" I added to this for my own situation to say "Do I want to be right, or do I want to be married and see my kids every day?"
Hang in there and read, read, read!

When I first told him to go ahead & go it was because all he did was either go out with her or talk on the phone or Im.This was a week ago & yesterday they moved into their apartment together. I can't even tell you how crushed I am. I have tried plan A all week with him & cried my heart out but he still says ,This is all he can do to see if he wants to be back with me or not but it just doesn't make any sense. I am trying to keep my cool.I guess I was just in a fog beliving we had a good relationship because he says he has been miserable for 3 years.I love him so much but am trying to think realistically here because things don't look good.

Nemo-

You have gotten some great advice here. I used these resources 4 years ago to get through my H's A. That's why I'm back here, because these principles do work. I have also learned the hard way, however, just how much the concepts and rules need to be followed. I've also been very fortunate to have a therapist who believes in MB.

I know how hard all of this is to swallow. Don't feel that you need to explain your responses. It does feel like too much to take. You are here for a reason. You still have hope. If you follow any advice here that YOU feel fits you, you can do this. Working on YOU.

Don't listen to what he says. It is the FOG. WS tends to rewrite history to justify their "need" to leave. So its likely not completely true that he has been "miserable" for 3 yrs. They are justifying their actions. Don't let this get to you. It will be very helpful if you really look into what created the environment though. It is MOST likely that all of his needs were not being met, and probably not all of your needs either.

Getting to a point where you can accept that your marriage MAY end, that you have to take care of yourself, and you decide to, THEN you will be able to develop a good Plan. You will feel more hope that your marriage CAN be saved.

Another great book is Divorce Remedy by Michelle Weiner-Davis. This is newer than her Divorce Busters. Just came across this last night in the bookstore. I absolutely love the "quick" plan, for spouses who have already separated, and is intended for you to be able to do on your own. It is a plan for ONE spouse to follow, meaning you don't need him to do any of the work. I will try to get a copy of the book so I can post some quotes from it.

It isn't too late. You just have to take care of yourself.

Thank you for beind so understanding. I think this is one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through luckily I have a great Dr. who has me on meds. I have decided that I am going to work on me this week & work on my girls. We need some happiness.I am not so sad because I am realizing like you said maybe everything wasn't the way I wanted it too. I think I have just accepted things the way the were & tried to make the most of things but I think now that this has happened I am trying to look at whole picture.What I had ,what I want.One thing I know is that I want honesty & I really don't think I had or will ever have that with him. I will get a book very soon thanks for all the support here .I think I'll stick with you guy's.

nemo - Stick with us - this is the best program, whether H comes back or not (and they usually come back). I would mention to him that he needs to use birth control - that is the next hook for many OW - a child.

But other than that work on yourself and girls, home, exercise, etc. You will start feeling better about yourself and your situation. Don't listen to anything he says. They all say the same thing, practically word for word.