Hi, everyone.

I am wondering how one goes about setting boundaries with WS as to what type of behavior isacceptable and what is disresectful.
I have a hard time standing up for myself without LoveBusting.....

For example- If WH is talking badly about my friends and family I am unsure how to state my unhappiness about this without coming on too strong.

Also if WH talks about things that are disrespectful to marraige and women in general I'm not sure how to respond.

Examples:
I think just coasting through the years without real desire to stay married is typical of all long term married couples. Time just passes by and suddenly you're like- Holy crap!! I've been married to this woman how long?
or:
That guy needs to stop kissing her a$$. She's just a woman and there is plenty of vagina in the world.
Ughhhh!!!

<small>[ January 02, 2004, 04:34 PM: Message edited by: wittlewifeypoo ]</small>

It is hard. At least I find it so. I suppose it begins by telling him calmly and right away how his statements/behavior make you feel. Recognize behaviors that can push you to LB early. I think right away is important because having to listen to that kind of disrespect for too long would set plenty of people off.

The other thing that can make it hard is that once you state your feelings he may begin to LB. Learning to stop a conversation that is getting out of control is a valuable skill. It works better when both are working to avoid LBs. Maybe the LB questionnaire would be a useful tool, the examples of your H's statements seem to fit into the LB categories.

Thanks for the advice.
can anyone recommend how to conversation stop?
What should you say when things are getting out of hand? can you set boundaries by telling your spouse:
I feel_________ when you________
or is this accusing them and LB-ing in disguise?

I think that basically that is exactly how you say it. It is not an LB to tell you H how his actions make you feel. Radical Honesty demands it. If you did not tell him how you felt you would only build resentment towards him.

On the other hand Radical Honesty requires a safe environment and from your other posts it does not sound like that environment exists.

It is not ok to tell him what his motivations, feelings or thoughts are. This can be a hard thing to accomplish. Though I have made a lot of progress in this regard I still slip up.