hi...im new at this. i found this website hoping to have someone to talk to. found out my H was cheating on me while he was overseas. he was very scared and pleaded with me that nothing was going on. i found out something was and kicked him out. its been 4 months. for awhile i would let him come over and chit chat, but decided that i didnt want to do that...too confusing. H has made no move towards reconciliation or D. H has said that hes going to file but has had papers for two months and done nothing. the latest issue is that he took kids over to OWs house like it was nothing. he wanted to do it again, i told him no, that i wasnt ready for that and he needed to respect me in that area. is that a LB?? and what is this 180 thing?? we only have contact picking up or dropping off kids. i dont know how to best use that time. usually i say nothing cause i dont know what to say. anyways, im blabbing. im interested to have some input. thanks and GOd bless

jj-

So sorry you're going through this. Glad you found this website. 4 years ago I came here after my H was involved in A. There are so many wonderful, knowledgable people here who will help you through this. That's why I'm back again, unfortunately, I am again needing the support here too. Wish I had never gone away.

Have you been to the main part of the website yet?

A good marriage counselor is really helpful. You can go by yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> the latest issue is that he took kids over to OWs house like it was nothing. he wanted to do it again, i told him no, that i wasnt ready for that and he needed to respect me in that area. is that a LB?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your answer lies in how you were able to handle that situation. To be the bigger person. Not get angry, etc. That is when LBs happen. Easier said than done, as many of us know. Reality is that we can't control anyone. He may try to or do it anyway. You can only decide what you are going to do. Sounds like you are just trying to set some boundaries for yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> and what is this 180 thing?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Giving them (the WS) a 180 degree different person. Doing things exactly opposite as what you have been doing, or they expect from you. This is a technique all in its own. You should be able to find stuff about it by doing a search here. First and foremost, you will want to follow MB from the beginning, if you haven't already.

Work on yourself first. Do new things. Learn about you. Put your energy into positive things, your kids, enjoying life. Don't worry about him, he will notice.

Have you taken time to reflect on everything, including yourself? How things really were? What was going wrong, LBs? What ENs weren't being met?

You certainly weren't rambling. Feel free to, though.

...the latest issue is that he took kids over to OWs house like it was nothing. he wanted to do it again, i told him no, that i wasnt ready for that and he needed to respect me in that area. is that a LB??

If this is the only type of contact you are having with your H and after four months, I would opt for PlanB rather than do any PlanA. Some may disagree with me, some may not, but PlanB is something I wish I'd implemented way back in the early days. Read all of the info contained in this website on PlanB.

As for your query on your unhappiness at your H taking your kids to OW's - it's called setting boundaries. It is letting him know what is acceptable to you and what is not and then sticking to it so you both know where you stand, particularly him. So long as you remain polite whilst letting him know what is acceptable/what is not, then you are not LB'ing. Undoutedly your H will try all ways to break your resolve, as he will want to continue having things to his way of liking, to continue having the best of both worlds.......don't allow him too.
When we dance to their tune, (as I danced to my H's tune for months before I finally grew a backbone), we no more than continue to ENABLE their affair and if you continue to allow him to take your children in OW's presence, then you are ENABLING. So long as there are no court orders that state your children go to OW's, then why send them there? How old are your children btw?

what is this 180 thing?? we only have contact picking up or dropping off kids. i dont know how to best use that time. usually i say nothing cause i dont know what to say.

The only time I would ever see my H way back in the early days, was when he would collect our daughter also. The same applies nine months later.
This gave me little time with him and very little opportunity to PlanA, but it didn't stop me from implementing changes and doing things for myself and those are things you must do. Regardless of whether you are seeing him or not, making changes and doing things for yourself will make you feel tons better about yourself. Things I did are:

1. I badly needed to lose weight, I lost three stones.
2. Had a new hairdo and had highlights added.
3. Bought a whole new different wardrobe of clothes.
4. I began visiting family and friends on a regular basis. Helped take my mind of what H was doing a lot!!
5. I bought new things for the home, rearranged the furniture, redecorated rooms, etc..
6. Spent quality time with my daughter...day trips out, visits to McDonalds, took her swimming, etc..

I also began reading books and lots of them. Self help books mainly. I recognised the mistakes and the faults in myself that perhaps had created the climate for H to have an affair....and I set about trying to do something about it. Anger was my main enemy, so it's something I had to learn to control, particularly when in H's presence. My reactions towards him henceforth, totally stunned him.....LOL!

When in H's presence I just continued to be his friend and acted cheerful, etc. I didn't have much of an opportunity as I said to do anything more and of course he had OW meeting his main needs, so I wasn't given any opportunity to meet any that she was so obviously and more than willing to meet.

I'd definitely if I were you, contemplate PlanB though. This will help you detach from what your H is doing and continuing to do.

Jen,
Welcome to MB. You have come to an excellent place, there is a wealth of knowledge and IMO if the principles are applies correctly this can help you to save your marriage.

Have you read the basic concepts? Do you understand about Lovebusters and Emotional Needs?
If I were you I would go out and get Surviving an Affair and Lovebusters asap. Lovebusters will help you interact with your spouse in a way that doesn't hurt and Surviving an Affair helped me to understand a little better why my H turned to soemone else, it also helped me to better understand how to make the changes to me that were necessary to repairing my marriage.

I know Lianne suggested Plan B, my opinion is that you need a good plan A before plan B is efective. Plan A is designed to stop the A and to bring your S to a place where he will stop contact.

The 180 is very effective and I guess while I was in my plan A I did a 180 as well. You want to show your spouse that you are a safe loving place. I did all the things Lianne suggested, new look, new look for my apartment...but most importantly I STOPPED Lovebusting and started meeting his needs.

Read all you can here about Plan a and Plan b. Decide what is best for your stituation and come back and ask questions.

As for the decision you made for your kids, as long as you didn't lovebust in your reply (which would have been very hard for me not to have done) there is nothing wrong with you setting boundaries. Plan A is not designed for you to be a doormat, as long as you inforce your boundaries in a safe way they are not only acceptable but IMO (looking back) crucial.

le

I know Lianne suggested Plan B, my opinion is that you need a good plan A before plan B is efective. Plan A is designed to stop the A and to bring your S to a place where he will stop contact.

Yes, maybe I was a little hasty in suggesting that Jen go immediately to PlanB now I'm thinking about it. Even though Jen has very little contact with her H, the contact and communication lines are still open, therefore no matter how sparse the time is between them, she could still try and put that time with him to some good use as I tried to, to try and get him to see the error of his ways and end his affair, etc, etc.

Only problem in my case was, he CHOSE OW over me, went immediately off to start a new life with her, to shack up with her and so it was IMPOSSIBLE to get him to stop contact and end the affair!! In my view, if my H had been having any second thoughts about what he was doing, he wouldn't have gone off with OW in the first place. He didn't give me nor our marriage a chance and was gone within two minutes of confessing. This is why PlanA was a total waste of my time and I wish I'd gone immediately to PlanB.

It's my view now that my PlanA only served to ENABLE him to continue his affair with OW and made him feel less guilty over what he was doing/continuing to do. He nothing more than took advantage of me in order to have things to his OWN WAY of liking, while I was in PlanA because of my continued friendliness towards him. He thought it was OK for him to have done what he did, because I continued to be there for him and be his friend.

That has all since changed now I'm in PlanB. I've long since set boundaries (something you MUST DO Jen), I no longer dance to his tunes. Hopefully he'll come out of his fog soon. In the meantime, my life revolves around me and our daughter, I am off the rollercoaster and am now detaching a lot.

<small>[ January 04, 2004, 09:30 AM: Message edited by: Lianne37 ]</small>

thanks so much for the input. well, i did read all the info on the website but havent read the books as of yet. i have read several books on the topic. i dont think that plan a is possible at this point. i kicked him out right when i found out. it has been almost 4 months. i know that i have done many LB's in this period. but there have also been several times when we have been able to share feelings without anger. he's very hard to read. he tells me that things should be clear (his stance) becuase he isnt begging me back, but it isnt clear becuse he has had papers for two months and done nothing with them. when his mom asked shouldnt he 'get on with it and let me go' his reply was 'i guess so'. my guess is that he's confused...but maybe thats my wishful thinking. i am in therapy, and i have realized alot of things about myself that have been detrimental to the marriage.

its just really confusing because he had another EA about three years god (last time he deployed...hes a marine) and we were on and off for a year and finally got back together. he told me what his needs were and he was very happy with the new relationship. i had no idea he was involved with OW this time (a PA) becuase things were going 'really well'. sending flowers, being affirming, etc. however because of the war he was gone for a year. the A was with a girl in his unit. anyways, to make a really long story short...now he says he was just 'putting me on' with all that loving behavior and he was only around for the kids.

so with all that said, i think we are in plan b pretty much. and i am doing my best to just leave him alone and not LB in the process. very hard. any thoughts?? thanks again

Actually yes, it does sound like you are somewhat in PlanB, but to implement a proper PlanB - a PlanB letter is always sent to the WS.
This is kind of like a love letter that lets your WS know that you still love him, you would be willing to reconcile with him, as long as the OW remains in the picture you can have no more contact with him because it hurts you too much, etc, etc. Someone may have the urls they can paste here for you so that you can sample a few PlanB letters that others have sent.

In the beginning I was dubious over whether to send a PlanB letter or not, because I felt it was kind of like giving my H an ultimatum when it was so obvious that he had made his choice - the OW.
I felt that he would laugh at me, that he would think me dumb because he had made it crystal clear to me that he wants to be with OW by his actions and especially after being away nine months.......but anyway, I eventually gave him one in early December.

But anyway, your sitch seems to be like mine was and still is. Contact only when he pays child support and sees our daughter and I don't initiate contact nor telephone calls either and havn't for months. Basically, I've given him space and just let him get on with it....not much else I can do, especially while he's besotted with his OW.

yes that does sound very similar. i have given him a few 'im letting you go' letters. i dont know what else to say. we talked the other day and i told him that i loved him but that i knew that i couldnt force him to stay. he wanted to bring up all his baggage from the past....seems pointless to do. thanks for your reply. i think i will get the books. have you talked to any of the counselors?? keep praying. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />