I am finding it really hard to be in Plan B at the moment I have not broken it. I feel really down and confused as WS drops hints like "the grass isn't greener on the other side" and "It funny how you dont want to be where you are when you are there". He says he feels really guilty when he comes to collect the children or see them and sees us as a family. But then he goes back to OW and we do not hear from him for days until he is due to see the children. Don't get me wrong I am in Plan B but talk to WS if it involves the children. WS no longer takes children to his and OW place so sometimes sees children in our home. I go to another room. I feel vunerable at the moment and just long to tell him to come home but I know that this is wrong and the only way he should come home is if he makes changes and seeks help. I guess I just need to let some of my emotions out and this is where I can do it and people understand and do not judge. Do you think my WS will come out of his fog and want to return home or is this the usual stuff that they say. I am determined and will stay in Plan B for my sake and my childrens. I am going to the Dr's tomorrow I think I need some happy pills. It is such a shame as I was doing really well and I thought I would be able to cope but I guess I am not that strong after all.

Feelingit,

Your WS is feeding you exactly the same lines that my WS fed me and I remember being exactly where you are now and asking the very same question on assorted boards around the web "Is My H Coming Out Of The Fog"?. A lot of LBS's told me that they had heard exactly the same from their WS's too.

It appeared that my H was coming out of the fog on lots of occasions. Twice he even phoned me and said he was coming home......but he never did!! He continued to send *mixed messages* and to keep up my hopes of reconcilliation between us for a very long time, in the end I grew tired of all of this talk and no action on his part.....because that is all it was, ALL TALK AND NO ACTION!! Talk is cheap Feeling, at the end of the day it's ACTIONS that count!! I started to ignore some of his phonecalls for my own sanity because it was driving me nuts....I just didn't have a clue where I stood with him and then I reached a point where I didn't care anymore. What he was saying went in one ear and straight out the other....it was action I was wanting to see and he failed me.

As you know my H is still with this same OW and has been for nine months now. Now he doesn't call on the phone, (OW checks for my phone number on their bill and gives him hell if she sees it......LOL), he seems content and happy to be where he is (there are no indications that he isn't happy) and I now only see him occasionally and when he feels like dropping off child support and seeing our daughter.....he has basically turned his back on us, that is the way it seems. Either that or OW can't stand the competition!!

The biggest mistake I made throughout H's wavering between I and OW, was in giving him reassurance after reassurance that the door was still open for his return.....and so I nothing more than enabled him to continue on in his affair, as he knew that I was back home awaiting him returning if all failed with his OW.....and I know that he would've come back if it had failed with her.

How do you react when your H is saying what he does?

Did you send your H a PlanB letter btw?

How did i react, well the first time I told him that although I loved him nothing had changed and he was still with the OW. The next few times I just listened and said nothing. Then as he went on I put all my cards on the table and told him that I loved him very much and wanted him to come home but he couldn't just walk in like that and had to live on his on for a while, get help and see what he really wanted. A few days later he replied and told me he had changed his mind and that at the time to come home was what he wanted but he had thought about it and felt I was better off without him and he was better off with the OW. Once again I was devastated and had to deal with it all again and just before xmas. Now if he says anything I say you made your bed, lie in it or you made your choice.
He is now introducing her to his sister which I really hate and asked him if she is intending to take my place in everything. He told me that noone could take my place and I would always be priority. As for my Plan B letter I have just written one and haven't given it to him yet but plan to in the next few days.
As I work nights I have told him that he will have to look after the children at the family home and that the children are not going to WS and OW home anymore. In fact I have told WS that I do not want the OW around the children. He has accepted this and says he completely understands why I am asking for this.
Is this all what you have heard before?

I went to the DR's today and I have got some AD's I feel like I'm going to burst I just feel like phoning him and saying just come home but that's not the answer is it?

Had conversation via text message with H today. H has just asked me if it is possible to be in love with two people at once. I said I din't know and that he couldn't be as he is spending more with OW than choosing to be at home with his family. I then called his bluff and siad if I asked you to come home would you? and he replied don't ask me that as I don't want you to get upset or angry. I replied that he had already answered the question and then I told him that my feelings had not changed but he would not know how I feel in future as I am not going to tell him and that I would get over him in time. He did not reply and I have not either. I have just blown the Plan B haven't I.

Hi Feeling,

Way back in the early days of H leaving, he wanted immediately to take our daughter around the OW. He reckoned that it was in our daughters best interests that she meet OW, being as OW was now part of his life. He seemed to spare no thought whatsover, as to how this could or would affect our daughter. He was totally insensitive to both my feelings and our daughters. I allowed him to take our daughter to OW's in the beginning because I was afraid that if I didn't, he wouldn't want to see our daughter. He would also threaten to cut off my child support, if he couldn't take her to OW's and so he continued to take her to OW's for around several months before I finally said enough is enough and found myself strong enough to put a stop to it.

Funnily enough and when I stopped him from taking our daughter to OW's in mid October, he didn't put up a fight as he had done in the beginning. He accepted what I said and to this day our daughter has not been around the OW anymore. I don't think that it pleases him that he can no longer take her there.......but he knows now that I'm not willing to put up with his crap as I did in the early days.

Feeling, I'm not sure why the WS will still call the spouse and say that they still love them, etc, etc, when they show no signs of returning home and they continue to remain with the OW. What they are doing could be seen as being a form of abuse to the LBS. All of these *mixed messages* they continue to send us, only adds to our suffering - as if we havn't suffered enough!!

My H would call as I said and say exactly the same that your H is saying. My H would also say that he loved both I and the OW, that he was torn in two. He continued to remain with OW despite saying all of this. In later phone calls he would say things like, "I feel awful phoning you because I don't want to get your hopes built up".......LOL!!! So why the heck was he continuing to plague me???

The only reason why I can think he was doing this, was because way back in the early days of him leaving, he was going through *withdrawal* from me.....he was probably finding that the transistion to OW was not as easy as he thought it would be and he still felt the need to hang onto me, to talk to me.

Basically he went from saying he wanted to come home, he loved and missed me and that he was torn in two between I and OW, to more recently saying things such as:

"We are more like brother and sister"

As time passed, he stopped saying that he still loved me and the phone calls became less.....now they don't arrive at all unless he is calling in regard to our daughter/child support. I guess that he now feels more secure in his relationship with the OW, their relationship is now a stable one after nearly 10 months together and so he now no longer feels a need to hang onto his *safety net* anymore.....his *safety net* being me.

<small>[ January 07, 2004, 09:47 PM: Message edited by: Lianne37 ]</small>

Lianne, thanks for voicing your experience it does help to get things into perspective. I guess we all try to hope in the early days but the reality of it is as you say they do want to be with the OW and I just have to accept that. I think my WS is propberbly finding it hard to transite from me to OW and feels terribly guilty for it and rightly so. But to protect myself from getting hurt even more I shall have to take myself out of the equation.

It doesn't seem to bother WS that he has to look after the children in the family home whilst I am working. He doesn't put up a fight that I don't want the children seeing her. He just says I understand what your saying and will do what you want. I'm lucky in that respect.

Anyway must go thanks again for your support it helps a lot.

But to protect myself from getting hurt even more I shall have to take myself out of the equation.

Exactly!! You need to remove yourself from the *triangle* and PlanB enables you to remove yourself.

If your H is anything like mine, he will try to keep you involved in this triangle for as long as he wants you to be...but it's best to break free yourself and as soon as you can, to avoid further hurts and disappointments. This is something I failed to do and so everytime H would call saying that he was coming home and he didn't, I felt abandoned and rejected all over again......it would feel like D-Day time after time.

If I were in your posistion I would give him the PlanB letter ASAP and insist that he call you in regard to child support/visitation to the kids ONLY. It's best to do this NOW, whilst he is showing signs of wavering between you both.

You are basically giving him no chance to properly miss you/to make him fully understand and realise what he has to lose here, whilst you are still having all of this contact with him, whilst you are still there for him as his *sounding board*.