I am currently in Plan A with my WS, and I feel the need to share my situation with those who may know what I can expect.

My WS had a rather intense A while working together over the summer. This occurred during a low point in our marriage, and I readily accept my part in pushing her away. She, of course, made the choice to begin the A, but had I been fulfilling her EN, perhaps she never would have considered the opportunity.


Over the summer, we separated, with her moving into her parent's house. We had been seeing an MC, and continued to do so while separated. Upon breaking the news to me in early October, I immediately forgave her and asked her to move back in (we had been getting along better during this time, and I had already asked her to move back in before the confession). She readily accepted, saying that she was disgusted by her actions and and wanted us to work out.

At this point, I naively thought the A was over, only to find out it wasn't. It is now three months later, and I just found out that, though she has been seeing him less and they haven't been physically involved for a while, she is still seeing him and lying to me about it. She has become expert at covering her tracks and putting on a soothing tone when she sees my suspicion.

She has accepted NC with OM after reading articles on this website, but my greatest fear is the easy accessibility she has to contacting him. Though they no longer work together, they work in the same city. All three of us are teachers at different schools in the same district, therefore we have flexible hours, making it easy for her to make contact.

I guess my greatest concern is that there doesn't seem to be a lot of steps we can take to make it more difficult for WS to contact OM, especially with having cell phones. WS seems open to taking necessary steps to insuring NC, but I'm not sure what my best course of action is at this point.

At the same time, I am having emotional issues while bracing for the next slip-up. During her last confession 4 nights ago, I avoided expressing any direct anger, but I did suggest moving to Plan B--probably in my desire to be rid of the inevitable suspicion that would result from my further loss of trust in her. I realize the mistake of this and am currently trying to restabilize our relationship in this area while she tries to withdraw once again...and I am probably not looking like a tempting offer right now.

Is there any possible advice you can have for me as far as dealing with the optimism of hope and the pessimism of her inevitable slipping? Also, is there any advice you know of that I can give her for withdrawing from OM? If there is any advice I can give her, do you know what would be the best way to give it to her without inadvertently pushing her away?

She is receptive, at this point, to any advice. She understands that her feelings are an addiction, and not truly love. She claims that the addiction is more physical at this point, though there are definitely more ENs that he is meeting. WS and I have not been sexually intimate for over 6 mo., though she has tried to initiate sexual contact in the last couple of weeks, but has been overcome by guilt each time and has wound up in tears.

If you have read this far, I appreciate your dedication and patience. I hope to hear from someone soon. The advice I have read so far on this site has been truly phenomenal, which has motivated me to share my experience with you.

turkeytee-

Sorry to find you here, but glad you found MB.

Did the two of you continue MC after she moved back in? If not, do it now.

One suggestion I read on another post suggested that the WS could use this forum as a replacement for OP. An idea?

I think SHE needs to come to the realization that every time she makes contact she is disrespecting you, her marriage, and delaying recovery. I'm sorry that you are on the roller coaster.

It's positive that you feel she is trying and realizes it's an addiction. There are many posts on this forum that can offer help for her, if she continues to come here.

Like everyone always says (and I personally have a HARD time following), you can only work on you. It's really great that you are so willing to help her, just make sure you let the responsibility of NC fall on her shoulders. You can't clean her mess up for her.

There are good books, if you haven't already utilized that resource. Also, did you read through info from home page? There is good stuff there.

I know this is NO fun. You said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> At the same time, I am having emotional issues while bracing for the next slip-up. During her last confession 4 nights ago, I avoided expressing any direct anger, but I did suggest moving to Plan B--probably in my desire to be rid of the inevitable suspicion that would result from my further loss of trust in her. I realize the mistake of this and am currently trying to restabilize our relationship in this area while she tries to withdraw once again...and I am probably not looking like a tempting offer right now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, how I can relate. I hope you can be stronger and wiser than I. Don't be too hard on yourself. Sounds like you are trying to help her out, out of love. It can easily lead to LB(trying to control). This is where working on YOU (focusing on you and your personal issues) can help you. Don't focus on her so much. Try to understand, you need yourself right now. Also, many here have spoke of the benefits of anti-depressant, and in hindsight it might have helped me. It's real easy to drive yourself crazy.

All of this gets to a person and we can only handle so much of the roller coaster. Bring the rusty roller coaster to a gentle stop and let yourself off. Now go treat yourself to a "ride" of your choice. Find a new "healthy", more attractive (no rust, I mean no LB), more comfortable (if not fun) ride that you can be proud to be seen on and will help YOU through this. She just might notice you on that shiny, attractive, plush ride and decide to jump on with you before all the seats are taken.

I KNOW... easier said than done. You will be OK though. You are in a wonderful place, here at MB.

Is she willing to write a NC letter? This should be short - that she loves you and has decided to work on her marriage and will have no contact with him. You okay it, and then mail it. Also is he married? If so, wife needs to be told.

Good luck, you are doing well so far.

We are currently still seeing our MC, and he seems to understand that she will need to work things out for herself and, at least until recently, was completely unopen to suggestion.

WS & OM have repeatedly tried to break off the relationship, but have never made it more than a week with NC. OM actually tries to establish NC every time WS wants to end it, but WS usually makes C first.

We were up to day 4 until last night when she went out to a place they both hang out at (they have arranged it so that they will go on alternate weeks to avoid meeting each other), when WS learned of something OM said to her friend. Apparently OM was trying to pick up on her friend's girlfriend by sabotaging the relationship by giving info to the GF that her BF wanted withheld. WS was enraged and decided to call him to let him know what a jerk he was. She even apologized for calling him and breaking their agreement, but felt such a call was necessary because of his actions.

I wonder about her motives for calling him, though. Was she jealous? Would she have done the same if a different friend had done the same thing? She apparently told him that she was glad to see him as the dishonest person he is since their whole relationship was built on dishonesty. I'm just wondering if this was a positive happening that helps her out of the fog? I want to believe that is the case, but I'm learning to be skeptical.

When she came home, the first thing she did was tell me everything that happened...and I was extra careful not to tell her what she should have done, or anything of that sort. She seemed to take pride in her honesty, and my support of her put a coin or two in the ol' account.

She says she feels the need to hate him to get over him, but our MC said that hate and love are not opposites--indifference is the opposite of love. How does one strive to be indifferent?

She also has read articles on this site, and understands her EN for sexual fulfillment will not be met by me until she withdraws from him--but it must be hard for her since she needs to go by blind faith in the hopes that her EN will be met on the other side of withdrawing, especially since we brought (and packed on our own) a lot of sexual baggage into our relationship from previous mistakes.

Hi turkeytee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

(Quotes by turkeytee in italics)

"If you have read this far, I appreciate your dedication and patience."

You are welcome. Now I will return this sentiment. This post is long. If you are willing to read it, it is my opinion. Pick and choose as you feel relevant. But I would appreciate feedback on anything that might be helpful. And thanks for taking the time to read it.

It sounds like you have some good things working for you in that you forgave her easily. Forgiving is usually difficult for most people. They get caught at the incident and can't get past it (myself included-took a long time to get past).

It seems that you have been able to be calm and keep a cool head as you deal with this, which will help you as you try to apply concepts.

However what might be a bump in the road is that you didn't require anything of WS before having her move back in.

Though you understand that you weren't meeting her needs that still doesn't omit her of any responsibilty for the M. WS also needs to know that in order for marriage to work you would like for her to work with you. Being that she is receptive it will help you both. The flip side of this is that she can hide resistance while seeming compliant. So for you it will be more about putting it out there, what you want out to the marriage and allowing her to decide.

That being said, it isn't too late to try to establish ground rules for ending the affair and working toward recovery.

"At this point, I naively thought the A was over, only to find out it wasn't. "

I think all of us (BSs) make this mistake because we want to believe that WS is being sincere.

So you realize that WS was lying? Many times this is the case. It may be because she does not want to give up A or she may also be confused about what she wants and how she will deal with letting go of what has become her candy to now relying on you to help her meet areas that lover previously met.

As it pertains to addiction of A, I think that WS see it literally like an addict giving up on a drug. It is like, "I want to but what if i do and things don't work out, I think I'll stick with my candy, I really need it. I don't think I can make it without it".

So I guess for the BS we are trying to aid WS is understanding that they can have something better with us (BS) without their candy. Something good and new and better than it was before. Yet when it all boils down to it, it is a choice for WS to make.

WS still has to make the decison. The decision to choose the M. To want something better in your marriage.

Harley tells us that affairs do end. I have found by personal experience that the A eventually will end. But the hard part is going forward with the knowledge that it may take time and that it may be difficult to sit by while WS continues to be in the A.

Now for you from this point it will help to get a plan in focus and go with it.

It is now three months later, and I just found out that, though she has been seeing him less and they haven't been physically involved for a while, she is still seeing him and lying to me about it. She has become expert at covering her tracks and putting on a soothing tone when she sees my suspicion.

1. WS and A-Plan a and Plan B

WS is still in A. If she is hiding it, this means she isn't ready to let go of it. So you can ask her to end it and take the steps in Plan A of exposing it to family, and OM SO and church leader or what have you. *Note I wouldn't tell her that I was going to do this. and I wouldn't use this as a trump card. In other words threatening to do it if she doesn't give up A*
Does OM have a SO?

But be aware that you can't trust the word of WS in love drunkenness, Fog. Believe nothing they say and 50% of what you see. So get ready for the long road. Also WS will be highly upset about revealing A to OM SO, if there is one.
You've told her mother if I am correct, so you've made a start.

By the way, you were seeing a counselor-Did the counselor pick up on A?

2. Asking WS to end A.

And before I go onto this-this is a negotiation. You ask her to end it and in turn you make some agreements with her, also.

This is important but again accept that you have a long road in this one. By your WS actions she may not be ready to give up on A. She may end it. Which would be wonderful. But anticipate that she may not.

Good thing, is that she already knows about NC.

"She has accepted NC with OM after reading articles on this website"

Address her sending a NC letter. Let her know that you realize that she may be shaky and that she might be unwilling to at the time. But you are willing to work with her, and would like her to take a chance and agree with you. It won't be easy but you can do it together.

Ask her to take steps that may enable her to be accountable. When you talk about ending the A also approach her about making ammends if she makes contact again with OM after your negotiations. What is she willing to offer if makes contact again?.

Regardless of what she decides your part in this is to remain respectful and decent when approaching. No LBing (can be difficult).

3. Meeting WS needs.

Right now there are needs that OM is meeting which she will not allow you to meet until she or he ends the affair and goes into withdrawal. (I know you feel OM is meeting most and that they are physical.) However you are probably meeting some of her needs also, maybe more than you think. Harley notes to BS to advise WS that you are willing to meet WS needs once the A is over.


(excerpt from What are Plan A and Plan B?)


Since one of these causes is usually unfulfilled emotional needs, the betrayed spouse should express a willingness to meet those needs after the affair has ended.


Do your part in acknowledging that you didn't meet them and you understand that OM probably met needs that you did not. You aren't blaming or pointing fingers. You would like to meet them when she is ready to allow you to. By of course, giving up affair.

Trying to meet WS needs that Om may be meeting while the A is going on may encourage cakeeater mentality. I mean she may continue in the A if she feels that you will allow her to have OM and meet all her needs too. On the other had she can see consequence being that you will not try to meet needs OM is meeting while A is going on.

4. Create an environment that is conducive to sharing in Honesty.

This is something I had a problem with. But if I can help you not go down this road, here goes.

If you ask her to be honest with you, don't shun her when she tells you what is on her mind.
Anticiapate that she may say hurtful things so bear up your mental/emotional strength.

When she tells you things about the OM or if she tells you she is going to see him, don't do the LBing by disrespectful judgements or anything else. You are trying to get her to make a choice, and indeed it is hers to make.

Afterall, you want a faithful Wwife, not a wife resistance, hesiistant One that will come along because they saw your M as the better choice. Not reluctant, resistant W.

So free her of the distraction of arguing or debating or manipulation during this negotiation. You tell her what you want but you don't try to make her give it to you. Kill her (of course not literally) with kindness. So that she can have a look at herself and what she is doing. Remember that you can bring/drag a horse to water but you can't make it drink (or something like that) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . And you don't want her to be in false recovery or false affair ending.

Even if you tried to force her to, as you've already found out it won't actually change her heart or her feelings. She has to. Sorry to reiterate this so much.

5. What does she want?

Are there anythings that you know of that she wants or needs in a partner. Consider how you might make changes to meet her needs once the A is over. What do you know about the OM that may help you in your endeavor?

Also consider the 180 list, link: Michelle Weiner Davis 180 list .

If there are behaviors that make you seem desperate or anxious when dealing with her you may want to consider changing them. For example, if you have the habit of asking her where she is going a lot, then do the opposite. Have her know that you've had an awakening. You will survive with her or without her.

6. What is happening in your life?

To me this is so important. BS get so bogged down with trying to save M while WS is riding high on the wings of extramarital bliss.

If this isn't an issue for you ignore this. Try not to let saving M consume you. Allow WS to see you going on about your persaonl business. Doing your thing. Get a hobby or expand on the one you already have. Enjoy friends and family.
Do other things. All in all, saving the M is a process where both people have to change so allow it to take its course while you continue to live and be happy too. Take care of you too. Have fun.

7. Preventing contact

Of course WS has to agree to cease contact. After laying down ground work about all contact needing to stop ask her how she feels about this. try to get feedback. If she doesn't agree again this is about allowing her ot make a choice. Tell her how you feel. then that is that. Do what you can do on your own to discourage it. I'm bot encouragung this, but I have seen post where other BSs compromised with WS about making contact. They allowed WS to stop contact little by little.

You can have cell numbers changed. Depending on the cell company you can view numbers she calls or calls that she takes on the internet. Ask her to help you by promising not to call and then you both go on site together to verify no calls.

Again she has to choose to be honest because she can use a pay phone or other method but allow her to decide to work with you. Change anything else where contact can be made.

If you suspect that he may be calling your home, trace your calls with *57 or whatever it may be by your telephone company. Then after 72 hours
call the police dept in your area and have them contact your telephone company to file harrassment charges. If you would like.

8. What you say

"I avoided expressing any direct anger, but I did suggest moving to Plan B--probably in my desire to be rid of the inevitable suspicion that would result from my further loss of trust in her" .

Did you mention Paln B out of frustration also?

Whether it was out of the desire to be rid of suspicion or frustration, if you do not want to go to Plan B try your best not to let this slip from your lips.

Harley suggest that if there is no physical or verbal abuse occuring it is better to tough it out in Plan A. In Plan B there is no contact. Are you ready for Plan B? If not, try remembering that, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> "A closed mouth gathers no foot." Please don't be upset, just smile.

Now is your time to show yourself up in Plan A. so hold on. It may help to anticipate WS slipping up and resistance or whatever may make you want to mention Plan B. You are human and this is difficult to deal with. So try hard not to allow emotions, suspicions, disappointed expectations, and plain ole human frailty cause you to make comments that you may regret later. Also this can become annoying for WS to hear you repeat it if you don't mean it. And possibly give her a road out.

**Side note: You mentioned:
"At the same time, I am having emotional issues while bracing for the next slip-up."

I read up on a site that helps one control irrationl thoughts that may contribute to emotional upset. Maybe it can help you too.

Rational.org

"Is there any possible advice you can have for me as far as dealing with the optimism of hope and the pessimism of her inevitable slipping? "

9. Being optimistic/pessimistic

Turkeytee-Be optimistic about the hope that you have in knowing that you are doing something that is good for you both. You are doing something that may change your life if you both work together. It will definitely change you as an individual. But accept and understand the risk involved. WS may slip up. WS may decide not to save the M.

Hopefully she won't slip and she will save M.
Being that she understands the effects of the A are due to an addiction, it is possible that she will realize that it won't last and choose to make a good M with you, something founded on trust and honesty, not distrust and dishonesty. But if she doesn't make the choices that you hope she will, you will still survive.

What will you have gained after all is said and done?

If you apply the concepts you are learning you will become a better person. You will learn how to operate in unselfish, long suffering love in a M. You will learn what to expect in a M that you may not have learned before.

So accept that slips might occur but they are a part of the process. Should she decide to work with you, you'll be able to look back and remember when you both got through this.

"If there is any advice I can give her, do you know what would be the best way to give it to her without inadvertently pushing her away? "

10. Give advice as she allows little by little. If you know that she doesn't want to read up on it, talk her through what you understand. Paraphrase as you can when oppurtunities present themselves. Pull on the teacher in you to help it seem interesting and not boring Try to live concepts before her too.

"Also, is there any advice you know of that I can give her for withdrawing from OM?"

11. There is a portion of this in how to cope with withdrawal. This step will be hard for you both because the only thing to do is go through it. I believe Harley recommends Anti-d's during this time. Link to read for yourself below.
Coping with Infidelity: How Affairs should end

12. Listen Listen Listen

When you talk WS or when she speaks what is she really telling you? Even though WS speak many lies during A, especially knowing now that WS has become sophisticated at covering tracks, listen carefullly to what she says. It may give you some indication of whether she is still in the fog or starting to see the light. Do a lot of observing her behavior more than talking.

13. Don't take it personal

Guard your heart and don't take what WS says or does personal. Like an addict that you watch going after alcohol, or food or drugs, you know what they are doing is wrong. You know that they are causing themselves more harm than good-but it is their mistake to make. Don't beat yourself up about it.

You already admitted that you are aware that you weren't meeting certain needs, now you are willing to. She has to be willing to get on the road to recovery.

14. Read, Read, Read, Read
Books and concepts on this site , Anything and everything you can put your hands on and eyes to. Make sure you understand you plan.

**Plan A is suppose to last from 3-6 months.**

Have you read the concepts in the site and "Surviving an Affair"?

I wish you the best. I hope everything will work out in your favor. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Again sorry soooooo long.

Thank you so much for the long response. I am starting to understand the flaw of instant forgiveness.

I think part of what contributed to our current situation is that our MC told me separately that she was trustworthy and that I needn't worry about her whereabouts.

He also advised that I take the secret of the A to my grave, never disclosing anything to anyone...only she could do that. He advised that the affair never be brought up again by me, and that I could never mention OM's name, or anything else.

But this is all assuming that the affair was truly over...which it isn't.

I just got off the phone with her, and I'm finding that it will be very difficult for me to believe nothing she says, because I want to believe in her so much.

As for disclosing the A to others, I know she has told some friends and family, but I'm not sure in what way because I wasn't there when she told them. Perhaps this is the next step?

The OM's situation is complex as well. When OM met WS, he was beginning his D with his WW, so OM and my WS related instantly. OM's WW is still with her SO, and knows that her ex is in love with my WS. (sheesh).

I have actually never met OM or his ex, and am not interested in doing so. I believe that OM is trying to get on with his life by finding some OW to fill his void because (apparently) he keeps telling my WS that he wants NC. He even sent this desire in an email to me. Of course, I can't believe any of it, so I understand how the whole point of this is to improve only myself. Except the teacher in me is trained to help others...

The counselor picked up on A, I believe, but never disclosed it to me. I think there were times when she spoke with him privately to disclose her feelings for OM, but I don't believe the EA would escalate to PA. At least that's what he has said.

I'm wondering why he seemed to be so naive about the whole thing. He must have seen this coming, being an experienced MC and all.

Thank you so much for your time and thoughts. I've thought about trying to implement 180, but I am afraid this will push her away, into his arms. I guess it may at first...I don't know. She has said she would be incredibly sad if I withdrew my love for her. Maybe she needs me more than she thinks.

I guess the phrase to be most comfortable with is "I don't know". I hate that.

freetobe - Those were some great ideas. Thanks

Hi turkeytee and believer.

(Quotes from turkeytee in italics)

believer you are very welcome.

turkeytee you are also. How are you? Thank you for feedback. I wanted to clear up some things that maybe seemed misstated.

"I am starting to understand the flaw of instant forgiveness."

The instant foregiveness is not a problem. That is actually a plus in your favor. I mean that in saying if you could forgive her easily then maybe you could make up your mind more readily about what you wanted.

Harley talks about the importance of keeping a clear head. With you being ready to forgive I assumed that you were probably more calm and cool headed about making decisions for your M.

Which you did. By asking WS to come back home it was apparent that you wanted to save the M.
However the bump in the road was not giving WS conditions for her return.

"I think part of what contributed to our current situation is that our MC told me separately that she was trustworthy and that I needn't worry about her whereabouts."

Perhaps the MC wasn't aware of the seriousness of WS A. I am learning personally and from different post that MCs don't necessarily provide all the help you need. As someone put it in a post they aren't the auto mechanic that fixes the car(relationship/marraige) and makes it right. They are a guide to help marriage recover. It kind of takes some independent thought in talking to MC and WS while working on in the M.

I am also finding that some MCs do not support methods that are instructed at MBs. However as I have seen MBs material is well grounded, sound and insightful to me, thus aiding in helping my M recover. I wouldn't have it any other way than what I've learned at MBs.

"The OM's situation is complex as well. When OM met WS, he was beginning his D with his WW, so OM and my WS related instantly. OM's WW is still with her SO, and knows that her ex is in love with my WS. (sheesh). "

Ok, OM W already knows about your WS. Boy this is a complex situation. It sounds as if everyone is doing their on thing with the exception of yourself who is trying to save your M. How did you find out about OM W knowing about A?

"He even sent this desire in an email to me. Of course, I can't believe any of it, so I understand how the whole point of this is to improve only myself."

What do you feel was OM purpose of sending email?
I definitely wouldn't believe him either. Also I admonish anyone to be careful of contact with OP. It can become habitual and the BS is trying to save M, not form bond with OP.

Selfish and controlling nature of some OP can be harmful. BS and OP can play many games with each other then drag BS who is already hurting in the midst of their folly by manipultaion if they aren't careful. One of the games I learned my WS and OW like to play was to act as if they were ending the A, then somehow it was magically rekindled again.

So I do believe in taking measures to aid in causing the A to end. But telling WS what you want and letting them decide to recommit to the M. If WS does not decide then you have someone that may later seem to comply when they really aren't.

How did you feel about this? Do you feel that WS is ready to comply? How is she reacting now?

What is your plan?

freetobe-
Thanks so much for your concern. I appreciate your skepticism/dose of reality. It counters my tendency to want to believe in WS (perhaps my teacher speaking out in me)

I am going to give a bunch of details about our situation and recent happenings, and then give my thoughts about them.

To answer your first questions regarding OM and his WW's situation, I found out through my WS. Apparently OM's WW was okay with it, probably because she could unload baggage of her M. OM's WW (according to my WS), even let my WS bond with their kid and was comfortable letting WS babysit, etc. This is another thing my WS must withdraw from.

As for my contact with OM, my WS asked me to send a note giving him this site to look at so he could reconcile with his WW, and his response was to thanks me and to ask that my WS not contact him and that he wouldn't contact her. WS asked me to do this so she wouldn't be breaking NC rule.

I have a tendency to believe in OM's desire to end A. WS allowed me to listen in on a 'breakup' call in which she said she wanted to work on our M, and his response was that she maintain NC with him. According to WS, contact is typically initiated by her, not OM. He will then contact her until she is overcome with guilt and says she wants to work on M, and he asks for NC. I have a feeling he is sick of the roller coaster also and would like to find someone else, but he is addicted to WS as well. They have actually worked out an agreement to go on alternate weeks to a hangout they both enjoy going to avoid contact, for what that's worth.

We had made it up to 4 days of NC until two nights ago when she was at this hangout and found out that OM was making moves on her friend's SO. Her friend is recently D, but had not disclosed this to his SO. OM decided to do this on his own, possibly in an attempt to sabotage their relationship. OM had told this story to my WS, but heard it differently from her friend, so she called OM saying what a dishonest jerk he was and that the whole thing was dishonest. When WS came home, she told me this whole incident. I'm not sure why she felt the need to call...but I'm assuming jealousy at OM moving on had something to do with it.

Yesterday I re-read plan A again, and confronted wife (non-confrontationally) about sticking to plan. She said she felt weird and may find benefit from separating and seeing where she stands if she steps back (impressionist painting syndrome). WS has always lived with and escape hatch in all of her commitments. So I'm not sure she is ready to commit to plan A. She then told me all about her relationship with OM, how it was a fantasy and how it seemed to fit perfectly how they found each other when they needed each other and how they could be so compatible in so many ways regardless of whether she was married to me or not. I had to hear how nice everything was and I tried to listen for needs I can currently meet and ignore all the unpleasantries. This was painful but I tried to just listen, give suggestions without seeming condescending, and appear unphased by the whole thing. I then asked if she was ready for plan A, and she said that she wanted to say no because she is frustrated. I said it's up to her and went upstairs to prepare lessons for school.

She then came upstairs in a happier mood, joking around with me, etc. When we went to bed, she asked if I would give her a backrub and then she asked if I would touch her everywhere. We have tried this before and she always winds up feeling uncomfortable out of guilt, according to her. So I started touching her and she got ticklish. I asked if she wanted to touch me, and she tried and then felt awkward and decided to stop. We actually progressed farther than other attempts, but still nothing, which I guess is something. Our MC told me that if we could just have sex, it would work as a glue for us, especially as this was a need OM was meeting. He seems to recognize that.

I made sure not to seem resentful, emotional, or devestated by the whole ordeal. I actually felt fine. I will use 180 and see how this works, though my biggest fear is that she is so affectionate by nature, that my withdrawing from her may push her away. Also, I'm not sure what to do when she asks me to hug her, touch her, etc. Is she trying to make me commit to her more by manipulating me, or is she needing for me to be affectionate so she can gain strength through withdrawal? Hard to say. Therefore, I'm not sure how to respond to her desire for affection. I know I can't reject her.

In the last couple of months, since she has (according to her) stopped having sexual relations with OM, she has drawn closer to me affectionately...holding hands, cuddling on couch, etc. I read into this that she may be physically detaching from OM and is allowing me to try to satiate her EN for affection, and is attempting to do the same with sex. According to her, the only physical relation she had with OM was some kissing a week ago when WS and OM accidentally met at some place he rarely frequents, and she was drawn to him again. She confessed this two days later, as well as divulging other times she had made C with OM, though she insists nothing sexual came of it. I tend to believe this because of her closer relationship with me, but I am learning to be skeptical. So once again, I'm not sure of the best way to respond in this situation. I was told by MC to be willing and very gentle and understanding. Any suggestions?


As for my plan, I will 180. For the first time I told her that I will commit to her as long as I can, but I also have to prepare myself for her possible decision to leave, and that I need to be able to be strong either way. She seems to attach to me more when she understands there is a possibility I won't love her any more. She actually told me she would be devastated if I didn't. I can see how it will work. I even told her I would be unable to contact her after our divorce because I wouldn't want to put that pressure on my new wife. This saddened her, but she seemed to understand.

As for her, I will try to get a definite Plan A written commitment. She is open to reading the articles on this website, as well.

As for me, I am actually doing fine in the knowledge that the worst that can come out of this is that I will become a better man with the ability to understand how to love someone. Not what I want, but a silver lining, nonetheless.