I have only posted once before but have found that even reading the other posts has helped me tremendously. This is my story: H has been with OW since October 02. I found out about it April 03. Of course, he blamed me. Said I ignored him. I feel this is not correct and actually, we ignored each other. Needless to say the last 8 months have been hell. I also had to have a hysterectomy in July and can't take any hormones for 6 months so I have really been a basket case. He keeps telling me that the things I feel are in my head but last Friday I put a keylogger on my computer and found his password to email. Didn't get a chance to check his email until Monday when he left for work. Well, guess what I found? These emails were bad, love you, want to be with you, have to find some way to be together. Killed my heart! Anyway, called him at work, he said he would leave her and all that kind of thing. I have been trying to do Plan A but with the hormone thing and everything else, I haven't been able to keep it up for more than a week or two at a time. Well, when he comes home we talk and things were going good. Says he won't contact OW, if I will agree to not talk about the emails, he won't say anything about me snooping, and that he promised on his life that things would get better around here. Then for some stupid reason, yesterday at work all I could think about was this situation. Did no good. By the time I got off of work, I was a mess. Came home and told H I wanted him to write her a NC email. Said no, just wanted to never contact her again. I lost it. I know these outbursts aren't good and I feel that I lose something every time, but at the time I can't stop myself. He was leaving because of my outburst, not to be with other woman. That woke me up. Anyway, the result was him not leaving but changing his password, erased temp internet files and history on computer (something he started because I always let him know where I find this stuff). He has a really big thing about me spying. Now, I don't know what to do. Should I reinstall the keylogger to find out if he really has stopped or should I try to take his word for it. Said that he has seen her since I found out about the A, but has kept in contact with her because of my outbursts. Don't know where to turn now. Hoping to get to the Dr. soon for hormones and AD. H says things were going so good but now we are back at the beginning. I don't know what to believe or where to turn. HELP ME PLEASE!!!1 <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Get some anti-D's quickly. He is driving you crazy. When he says he had to have contact with her because of your outbursts (about having contact with her) that is just fog talk. No wonder you are having outbursts. It makes no sense. And yes, he needs to write NC letter, and his accounts need to be open to your scrutiny.

Keep reading and posting here, and we will help get you through this. And remember the problem here is not your hormones, but his behavior!

You don't trust him until he earns your trust back - by leaving his history in place, giving you his email passwords, voice mail passwords, etc. If you haven't already, read the link in my signature line. Re-install the key logger with his knowledge (but him not knowing the password), so he knows that you can see everything he does.

Thank you so much for responding. Can't tell you how fast I drove home from work to find them. This is almost more than I can bear sometimes. What makes it so bad is that I am so much better than I was in April. You people keep me going when I think I have had enough. I just want my husband back. The one who couldn't stand a liar, thief, or cheat. It is almost surreal that he became the thing he hated most. What gets me is that he wants me to keep everything quiet for him. Even asked me about two women I work with, did I tell them, because he came there last week and they did not speak to him. He doesn't want other people to think bad about him but acts in a way that would make people think that. He also told me that he didn't care what other people thought, he would do what he wanted to (includes his children, his mother, my parents, everyone). So why is he asking about the people at work? And I am the one that is thinking wrong! Go figure. I think he is coming out of the fog some, but wants to pretend that he didn't just about destroy everyone's life (kids, both parents). I have told the girls at work because I completely lost it one day about 2 months after I found out. Needed the support. Thanks again for the reply and the support. Going to try to pick up the pieces once again. About the keylogger, think I will wait awhile on that, and if I do it, it will be in secret. Too much of an argument for him to know.