I wanted to start a thread for Plan B support. I’ve noticed, being in Plan B myself, that you don’t read much from people in Plan B about their trials, tribulations, etc. I would like hear from others in Plan B and others that have been in Plan B about their experiences.

I’m currently in my 5th week of Plan B and I have an intermediary. I do not find it difficult at all not to initiate contact with my H. In fact, because my H filed for divorce and there’s so much stuff going on, it’s nice to have that 3rd party buffer. I also use my oldest son to facilitate any exchanges with our youngest son so I really haven’t seen my H or talked to him directly, even through email (ok, I saw him one time driving the opposite way down the street and it put me in a bad, bad place!). I do feel lonely from not having any contact. I read in a lot of posts where the WS tries to contact the BS either on the phone, email, etc. My H, for some reason, has complied with my request for no contact from day one. Part of me worries that this request seems to be so easily complied with. I wonder if he’s detached completely, moved on and really has no feelings for me.

Because my H wants the house sold and the Dv finalized I find myself sometimes feeling railroaded by decisions he wants made. It also feels like he wants to push the Dv through as fast as possible. I’m trying to stall, as best as I can.

Sometimes I feel like just giving up, throwing my hands in the air and finalizing everything quickly, but then I stop, slow down, take a few breaths and remember I really do want him back. He gives the impression, and I know I can’t believe what I think I’m seeing or feeling, that he’s fine with living without me, the children and giving up everything we’ve spent the last 19 years building. But it’s still hard to imagine that he could go from (on appearances only) one extreme to the other, the other meaning ever intimating that he would like to recommit to the marriage.

Another thing I wonder about is when you’re in Plan B you’re working on you, becoming stronger, more confident, etc. If there is no contact with your WS how do they know that you’re not the same person? How would they know you have changed?? I fear that my H, even though I did a good Plan A, is only remembering the bad that he has conjured up about me to justify his A, not the good things I did, the changes I was making (which he did admit to seeing, briefly) and the person I was trying to become.

I’d like to hear other people’s Plan B experiences. . . both from those currently in Plan B and those who have been through it!

Hope

I've been in Plan B for 12 weeks with one slip 4 days ago. H came back and wanted to reconcile but would not send NC letter to OW. I was doing well until that. Now I'm struggling getting back into Plan B, but it's getting better every day.

<small>[ January 08, 2004, 04:54 PM: Message edited by: believer ]</small>

Believer,

Having been in Plan B for 12 weeks, did you have times when you just wanted to give up? If you did, how did you get through that?

I try to busy myself, but there are times I jut cannot seem to get him out of my mind. To me, NOT having contact is comforting, but very difficult in that it seems like he is just moving on so easily?!? Maybe it's not easy, but I think I'm one of those people that do better with "tangible" things/concepts versus "intangible" things/concepts.

I read and I've been told that he's not happy, he's conflicted, this won't last -- but I have nothing "tangible" that I can hold onto. This is the area I think I struggle with the most.

Any suggestions you have?

I'm looking forward to next weekend, I have an orientation to volunteer at a humane society. That will be a great thing and hopefully, really change my outlook, or rather, the time I have to think about him! I know I need to stop thinking, but sometimes I just cannot. . . .

Hope

It was very difficult for me the first month or so. After that I starting feeling better and better. When I got away from him, I started looking at the whole situation differently. I got where I really didn't miss him.

When he tried to come back, I was much stronger. I managed to hold on to what I needed (after a couple of false starts). So for me, Plan B has been a blessing.

Well, I'm about a sorry excuse for a plan B'er. I don't know what I'm in now. My WW has come back twice only to go back to OM. I'm trying once again to stick to my plan, whatever that is right now. Actually, I don't have a plan right now but I'm trying to be in plan B. Do I have a hard time making a decision? Well, probably as much as my WW has!!!

Today was good, but yesterday sucked. I don't know what tomorrow holds for me. I have been trying to pray alot more. It helps quite a bit. The holidays have put me in a little financial rut, but hopefully by next payday, I'll be back on track. I've also been really lazy and have gained about 6 pounds in the last month. I'm angry at myself for that one! I think about my W everyday. When we were together, I didn't think about her this much. I'm kinda angry at myself for not finding this site years ago when I knew things weren't really good between us. I just hope I didn't find it too late to salvage my M...

Hang in there everyone. When I went into Plan B, my H tried to make contact the first couple weeks. Then I heard nothing for 10 weeks. One day he called and said he wanted to reconcile. That didn't turn out good because he wanted to move right back in and refused to write NC letter to OW. He said he already had taken care of that and it was pointless.

What I like about Plan B is the hurt started going away and I was able to go on with my life and not think about "them" all of the time. Also there is time to get some perspective on the marriage. When H wanted to reconcile I let him know that our marriage would have to be completely rebuilt. MB talks about the WS's needs not being met, but mine were not being met at all, and haven't been for several years.

Hi hope,

I have been in Plan B for about 12 days so far(after the holiday get together) but WH contacted me via e-mail.I should have just deleted it because we ended up "talking" and it brought me down.WH is living in another state right now(2 more months) so "separtion" and Plan B are relatively easy to do since I don't have to see him.I don't talk to him on the phone usually but,I made the mistake of picking up the phone one morning and it was him.Another setback.

Plan B is really working well otherwise. I go about my business and enjoy my daughters very much.WH is still in contact with OW but she now went back to her own country after a visit to see WH over New Years(ICK).So he essentially went back to square one too(foghead).

The plan has made me stronger and wiser and I am not afraid to face divorce if I need to one day,although I know it will still hurt terribly after all we have been through but I am not going to wait eternally for my WH.At some point(I don't know when but that's the magic of Plan B ,not worrying about it for awhile)the affair will die out,he will leave and/or I will have said enough.But I don't have to make any decisions now about those issues.

The more I have pulled away into my plan,the more WH is trying to initiate contact.My WH knows what he needs to do to start a recovery process between us and until he does,I am getting on with my life here at home.

It is actaully sickening to me how much our marriage turned so sour after this A.Nothing is the same anymore,the marriage that I had is truly shattered from what WH did.And I'm not even sure I want WH in my life anymore.So much work would need to be done and he hasn't lifted one finger to do the right thing for US.But I can go on with my life and not care what the adulterers are doing.They do not have that power over me.

O

Well I'm back into Plan B again and doing great. I cooked a lot this weekend. Also tried to fix lights on my son's car. Since neither of us knows anything about cars of course they are not fixed. But it was fun to try. Sure are lots of men hanging out at the parts store. Maybe I will suggest that for those divorced and looking for one.

It doesn't seem like there are that many of us in Plan B. I wonder if everyone is out enjoying their life or what.

The best part of Plan B is being able to focus on your life and not obsessing about WS. Yes, they have made choices that changed everything, but that does not mean our life will never be good again.