Well Neb is back.
The last time I was here my WS and I were going to give it another try. Two days later she backed out again. The entire month of November was horrible for both of us. She became so overwhelmed by things that she just became cold and numb. The weekend after Thanksgiving she told me she wanted to get a divorce. The month after that we had zero contact. I stopped returning emails, phone calls, and I moved all of my own and our jointly owned things out of our condo. Neither of us is living there. She is with her father and I am with a friend.
I think she is still seeing OM, but I am not sure how committed she is to him. She is very interested in maintianing some time alone for her "self".
I am doing alright, but I still love her very much and do still hold hope for us. Part of me wishes I didn't, but I must be honest...I do want her back.
We met two days ago for the first time in over a month of NC. Man did she look good...eeerrggg! We had a nice time together. She cried a lot and so did I. It made me feel good to see her showing some emotion again and that it wasn't easy for her.
Now I am caught between two opposing forces. I want to get back together, but I know she needs this time for her alone. I feel like the best chance of us getting back together is to let her go now.
Any advice out there about how do do that? I suppose my biggest concern is that she will continue to think it could not work with me and I want to in some way show her that it could. I know...I know...she needs to find that out for herself. Is there anyway I can help her get to that realization and have her feel she came to it on her own...much like the way a therapist does??? How should I handle myself?
Thanks for any help!

well, i don't know if this is a no-no but i have already mentioned it in other posts so until i am told otherwise, i will assume any info can be posted here.

there is an organization called Retrovaille that has weekend retreats for troubled marriages, many of the couples are already seperated, you don't have to stay in the same room even. all of the couples are in very bad shape. i attended with my husband almost 2 yrs ago. it is very focused on getting in touch with each other on an emotional level. understanding each other's feelings, validating them, even if you don't agree with them. there is a communication techneque that was taught to help with the process. that same technique can help in all area's of communication. you can find info and locations of retreats at http://www.retrouvaille.org/index.html

of course she has to freely decide to want to go, obviously. and if she needs alone time, maybe this is not the right time to do it. then again, maybe just letting her know you are interested (that is, if you would be interested in it) might be a helpful msg for her.

it might be worth looking at anyway. good luck

I checked out the Retrouvaille web site. My wife and I are not that religious and I am sure the religious overtones will turn her off to it. When you attended, what amount of religion was incorperasted into the program? Otherwise it looks like a great resource and I would be excited to attend.

One thing that I should tell you is that my wife feels like she has lost her attraction to me and is no longer "in love" with me...ie. no passion. She has no hope that those types of feelings can come back once they are gone. She does not want to feel forced or pressured to feel a certain way. Is this type of issue dicussed during the weekend?

Thanks again.

neb,
PM the coffee man and ask him to e-mail you the 180 package from divorce busters. it provides a "living blueprint" that might prove to be succesful for you in your current sitch. lots of good stuff there for healthy living (mentally healthy) while dealingwith all this termoil.
coach

Coach...
how do I PM the coffee man and ask him to e-mail you the 180 package from divorce busters?

Yes. I think she might be willing to end the affair if there was a reason for hope for us or a direction to go. I don't think she wants us to not work things out, but she doesn't think it is possible.

Neb,

About 10 years ago my WH and I attended a Marriage Encounter weekend. . . really the same type of weekends only the ME weekends are to make good marriages better and the Retrovaille focuses on marriages in trouble.. . . .at that time we were a good marriage, go figure!

Anyways, I wasn't Catholic at the time and while there were "religious" overtones it wasn't like they were trying to "recruit" you if you know what I mean. I think it's typical Catholic, they believe in God, etc and they make no bones about it. . . .

If you and your wife go to church on any regular basis, 6 times a year perhaps, I don't think the religious overtones will be too much.

Just my opinion. . . .it should be a great weekend. I wanted my WH and I to do, but he refused at this point. . . .I think he knew it would make him open up and he would have to admit he might have more feelings than he was letting on to. . . .

His loss. . . . .we'll see. . . .

Hope

Neb,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">how do I PM the coffee man and ask him to e-mail you the 180 package from divorce busters? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">PM means post a message. Post to TooMuchCoffeeMan ask him for the info.

How to find patience....I am sure if ANY of the oldtimers see me responding to this thread they are laughing themselves into oblivion. Patience is NOT my strong suit.

The best thing I can tell you is stay very busy! Find little things you have been wanting to do and do them, whether it's join a health club, learn a new hobby whatever. Something to change your focus.

As for contact with your wife, if it were me and I am in NO way an expert. I would let her contact you at least for a day or two. However a nice card or email thanking her for dinner with an open invitation to do it again sometime would be ok but then let her call you. Let her miss you, and it sounded like she kinda did <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

The 180 has really good info it'll help you alot.

le

Neb,
read this.........wish I would have found it last year!! Except for the time frame this in some ways mirrors my R with my H. All the no guarentee's, no committment and it really was when he thought he had lost me that there was a committment.

This link is great.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=014880;p=1

Neb is she at the point were she would be willing to read His needs/Her needs or Surviving an Affair. The SAA shows how a WS can have no feeling to BS and still come to love them again. My WS started by reading HN/HN then SAA then torn Asunder and now After the Affair. Each has been perfect at the point and time he was in. The HN/HN showed how it wasn't just his fault, the SAA showed him his A perfectly and he thought he was the only one. Torn Asunder was technical and he liked that and it showed him how childhood issues are a great factor, now After the Affair has made him realize how I felt and it shows a step by step process to fix it. But again he had to be in the right frame of mind for each book. I just suggested them or laid them by his suitcase as he left for work and as long as I didn't push he jumped in.
km4