Calm down - you will have lots of ups and downs before she comes back. I would let her do what she wants, as long as she is leaving the house.

You can get the cell phone records from phonebust.com. It is costly, but you will see who she is calling.

Try to realize that this is a war to fight, not just one battle. They usually come back, but it might take some time for her to realize how good she has it with you.

Thanks believer,

I have calmed down a little, and made contact with her. She acts like nothing is wrong, and even said she would be home for dinner.

I don't need phonebust.com thanks though. I can check her phone records anytime, I established the account. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I have been checking it and have not always liked what I have seen. A fact that she hates. Oh well, if you didn't have anything to hide... How much easier will her life become when she can quit lying to everyone she meets? "If you never tell a lie, you have nothing to remember."

I honestly don't know how she sleeps at night. It must be terrible! I am so hurt FOR her.

I will not give up this battle or any that follow. Thanks for the words of encouragement.


By the way TL... SIL means Sister In Law.


r0uter

My H who says he is trying to reconcile, now is very depressed. He says he can hardly get up and go to work. He says he needs comfort from me. How about that - he gets a girlfriend, leaves me, spends all his money on her, lies to me about everything, moves her in with him, spends Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Eve with her - and now I'm supposed to comfort HIM?

Just to let you know what is probably ahead. So rest up and take it easy.

Thanks for helping me through the day. I am about to leave work and i don't know if I will post again tonite. She says she will be home for dinner, so that is good. I will fill in tomorrow.


r0uter

She wasn't home for dinner and it was not good.

I panicked! I admit it, I absolutely panicked and lost it! When I got home around 5:30, nobody was home. That didn't surprise me. But, when I started looking around I realized that she had packed up enough stuff for her and the kids to be gone for a few days! And I lost it! I was panick stricken. I never even thought to try to call her, I immediately called my neighbor friend and said, "she took the kids and left me!!" I really thought that she ahd intended to take the kids away from me. I could not keep a rational thought in my head. I had been worried about what was going on, but really didn't expect that since she told me she would be home for dinner. I called my SIL to ask if the W had gone over there. No, she wasn't there.
So, she calls me, very angry, "Why didn't you try to call me? Why did you have to call the neighbor, and my sister? What did you tell them? Why did you tell them that I took the kids and ran away?" Because that is what I saw. I tried her cell phone and it immediately went to voice-mail, which means she will screen calls and return the ones she wants. I figured she wouldn't return mine, so I didn't bother leaving a message. For some wierd reason, she thinks that I get some kind of satisfaction out of talking to everyone "To put her on display, and expose the affair". I told her, it is not satisfaction, it is a kind of relief at being able to talk with someone about it. Why shouldn't I be able to talk to whomever I want? She says it is wrong that I get friends and family involved so they can mettle in our business. I try to explain that it is simply for my own well-being that I talk to everyone. (Of course there is the expose the affair to end it, thing going on in the back of my mind, but I still need someone to talk to.
So, she tells me that the reaason she took the kids out of the house, was so that they were not there when the constable served my D papers. I couldn't believe it! She actually went through with it! But after a while, the papers didn't show up. My neighbor said it was just a scare tactic, and I wanted to believe that, but really had a hard time doing so. My neighbor also convinced her that she needed to bring the kids home. She agreed to be home by 8:30. When the papers never came, I started believing the scare tactic philosophy, but when I talked to her around 8:45 she said she wasn't going to come home that the kids had fallen asleep and she didn't see the need to wake them up. Well, I commiserated with my neighbor, and My BIL and his W came over. And I started feeling better. Finally around 12:30 went to sleep. (Still couldn't bring myself to sleep in her bed.)

I got up early the next morning cleaned my self up, and went for a nice big coffee, and waited. True to her word, (First time in a long time for that) I was served at 9:40 AM. Since I had been warned it didn't really shock me, and I was able to cope with it. I started making some phone calls about what my rights are and such, but didn't get too far before she came home.

We talked, and I tried very, very hard not to LB. I think I did a pretty good job, not perfect, but pretty good, given the circumstances. After talking for quite a while and getting some real emotions out on the table, I looked at my watch and said, "I have to go downtown." "Why?" she wanted to know. I explained that I only have 20 days to file my opposition to her D papers. She said, "Yeah, you have 20 days, don't worry about it right now, we can talk about it." Throughout the rest of the day, she made references to "ripping up those papers" and "not if I withdraw"
SO, I am still hopeful.
We had a good heart-to-heart, and I think I really had her thinking about what she has done. I feel like I may have touched her heart again. Maybe she will realize that I can change my ways, and we can learn to communicate again. She explained to me the things that she has felt were missing in the marriage, and I did not deny any of it. I see my faults and I am ready, willing and able to own them and fix them.
I know that I have a long and difficult road ahead, even just to get the D papers removed or whatever, but I am a man with much conviction, and I will prevail! I told her that even if I am unable to stop the D, and it is final, I will be here waiting for her when her affair fails.

She is very hurt and angry that her family dissaproves, and she thinks hates her. And that is an obstacle for me and her. It is something that she will need to face herself. She is going to have to "Come clean" with them, and own up to her share of this. I think she is just about ready to do that too. I have explained to them that the best thing that they can do, is to let her know that they don't approve of what she has done, but they love her anyway, and will be there to help her through this anyway they can. I hope that they can do that without being judgemental and critical, but be truly loving and supportive. I know I can, and I think I proved that to her yesterday.

All I can do now is wait, and keep trying to REALLY communicate with her.
Wish me luck in my newest battle!


r0uter

Router,

I am so sorry that she served the D papers! Oh how anguishing this must be for you! Hugs to you!

I waited and hoped to see your post all day long yesterday because I knew you knew something was about to happen...I'm glad that you shared with us today.

There is always, always hope. Hang in there. I will keep you in my prayers. God might be asking, Who is Router? He might only know you by your given name! lol

Seriously though, talking this out with your neighbors is what you need to do right now and that's perfectly okay. I couldn't imagine going through all of that and keeping it to myself.

Try to take things one day at a time, and when things get really scary, just try to survive minute by minute. Be kind to yourself and give yourself an emotional break by doing something you love once in a while. Try to get rest, eat well, and take care...try not to let things get to you too much.

TL

I definitely will not give up.

I have a good bit of hope actually. I even got a couple of hugs from (for?) her last night.

I am going to prove to her how patient I can be.

She was very civil about the whole thing actually. She said that all she wants from the D is 50% of marital assets, (fair) 50% custody, (also fair)and child support in the form of paying for daycare, (more than fair). Of course there would be the occasional need to help with clothes and school needs etc. but I thought that her demands were very reasonable. State law says that she could take $437/week from me!! Ouch! She said she doesn't want that. I am trying to opt for: we both keep everything!

My neighbor friend called her this morning and asked about the kids (She helps us by watching them in the afternoons). She said that my W was very pleasant (acting? I don't know) and that she said she would be home this evening and would love to talk. I know that the discussion will be heated at first (There were some very serious hurt feelings on both sides) but I am hopeful that both will calm quickly and be friends again. I don't think my W realizes how much the neighbor cares about her, and how much she genuinely wants to help and be a friend. I hope that she knows it after tonite! She also said that she would be home at 7:30, which means that she plans to come home immediately after work! Which means that she will not see OM tonite! (It's the little victories...)

r0uter

Well, so much for the talk with the neighbor. My W didn't get home until after 8:00, but I know that she was at work, so she still didn't get time with OM. I just hope that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" doesn't start working on her for him. I hope that W and neighbor will have time to talk this weekend.

We talked a little more last night, but the kids were still up (I got in trouble for that one) and we had a time getting them to sleep. I got a hug from her, and tried to kiss her, but she turned her cheek to me. I said, no kisses? she said she doesn't want to give me mixed signals! It was probably a mistake, but I told her it was too late for that. I explained to her that some of the things that she has done and said, have already given me mixed signals. Then I asked her how sure she was about the D. She didn't want to talk about it, said it was late and we would talk about it this weekend.

Today has been hard already. I keep having this feeling of total despair and, I'm not sure if it's loneliness or emptiness or what, come washing over me. I can't seem to shake these feelings. maybe it is because I know that she will have much contact with OM today, because she is working in the same dept. as he does today.

I asked her this morning what her plans for the weekend were, and she said nothing. So I asked her if she would like to take our 10yo skiing/snowboarding. She wouldn't say yes right now, but I told her to think about it and let me know. I am sure that she will have to discuss it with OM, and that is killing me!
I miss her so much! I absolutely cannot think of anything else. If I am not trying to figure out ways to stop the D, I am trying to figure out ways to spend more time with her. I don't know if this is wrong at this stage or what. I am completely lost and confused. I can also feel my hope slipping, and I don't like it at all. I hate the thought that I am "Sharing" her, worse than that is the reality that I am not "sharing" her at all, he seems to have all of her right now.

Minute by minute,
I continue my struggle.

r0uter

While shopping this morning for a daily devotion I found this and thought it worth posting. I have always been raised to be a believer of God, and though I am not deeply religious I feel a need right now to get closer to God and his teachings, so I have this to offer for those who are interested:

Answers to Hard Questions about Relationships As taught by GOD

{{{{{{Router}}}}}}

I am so sorry you are feeling such a loss and despair.

Please do not be alone in this...please spend time with friends if you can. This is too much to bear all alone.

Please know that in time you will feel better, but it will take time. Just try to cope day by day, minute by minute. Please try to do something that you love to give yourself an emotional break. Have you called a counselor? Maybe that could help.

Even if she won't go snowboarding, please go. Do something for yourself to take your focus off her. All we can do is take care of ourselves. Do something good for yourself, please.

Best wishes.

TL

Thanks for the {} TL,

Thank you for all of the words of encouragement too. Unfortunately, I feel like my state of mind is getting worse as the day goes on. I probably will not be able to stay at work today. (I am not doing any good here anyway)

I can't get visions of the two of them together out of my head. And it isn't them in bed, it's just them, together laughing, or just talking, just doing all of the things that I used to do with her. Right now I am having a hard time believing that I will ever be able to recover from this. I keep checking my cell phone for messages thinking that she is going to call any minute now and tell me that she wants to reconcile. I know that this probably means I am in some stage of denial, but I can't help it. I keep telling myself that I need to be prepared for the D, but my optimist kepps shouting back to wait, that she will change her mind. Rookie told me in an email, that I can't change her mind, only she can, and he is 100% correct. But I still obsess with wanting to do everything that I can to influence her decisions. I know that is not fair, but why do I have to be fair?
I am trying to find a counselor in my area that can take me today. I need help now. I am also going to try to get into my Dr. and see if he will give me some anti-D's. (anti-divorce? do they make such a thing?)
I want to go see my priest but I know that he is at a funeral today.

Minute by minute,


r0uter

{{{{{{{Router}}}}}}

I know this is the most difficult time in your life and I will pray for you. I just read a post and he or she wrote .... PUSH Pray Until Somthing Happens...isn't that great? I am glad to know that you can turn this over to your higher power....just pray to God to lead you and Guide you...that in itself is helpful, isn't it? Let God know that you need his help, and that your wife needs his guidance. I've seen miracles before. Remember this too, okay? Some people get a divorce, but they become really good friends afterwards, and even then they can get remarried. It's just a thought that might help you through this. Never give up hope. Some people say marriage is just a piece of paper (I don't believe in that) but in that respect, so is divorce....it's just a stupid court proceeding that might just be all for nothing.

I might be out of touch Monday through Thursday but know that I am right there beside you, giving you strength to endure your pain. We are all here for you Router!

Praying for a good outcome for you!

TL

I THOUGHT OF YOUR BEING IN DENIAL....AND THIS THOUGHT CAME TO ME....MAYBE THE DENIAL IS HELPING TO EASE THE PAIN...SO MAYBE THE DENIAL IS A GOOD THING FOR NOW.

PLUS, I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS...I JUST READ Q&A, "CAN'T WE JUST FORGIVE AND FORGET" AND DR. HARLEY SUGGESTS THAT THE DIVORCING SPOUSE TRY FOR TWO YEARS AFTER THE DIVORCE TO BE A GOOD SPOUSE, DEPOSITING LOVE UNITS IN THE LOVE BANK. SO ALL IS NOT LOST EVEN IF YOU DO DIVORCE.

PLEASE READ THE Q&A PARTS 1 2 AND 3. TRY TO GET TO RADICAL HONESTY, MEETING HER EMOTIONAL NEEDS, AND MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, YOU WILL RECONCILE (HOPEFULLY EVEN BEFORE THE DIVORCE IS FINALIZED).

BEST REGARDS!

THIS Q&A OFFERS SOME REALLY GOOD ADVICE.

Router- I know this is a very hard time for you, but things will get better. You must have faith that God is on the side of your marriage and family. Like someone here told me - let Him deal with your W, and you continue on MB plan. It seems very hopeless to you right now, but it works.

I have been going through this for 7 months and all of the mistakes I've made were by doing things my own way, instead of the MB way. Everyone here has given me great advice, but of course it is very hard to do the best thing for your marriage when you are hurting and frightened. My H is still with OW (I caught them in bed two nights ago). Today he took a large amount of money out of his account to spend on her this 3 day weekend. But I am doing fine.

The best thing about MB is that it will help you either save your marriage, or be able to go on and have a great life. Please don't despair, and try to hang on to the hope that is here.

Well it's been a few days since I have posted, (Very busy at work)thought I would give an update:

She is still with OM, but has not left the house. I am still in the house too. We have been getting along ok. I am really trying to just be her friend at this point. At a minimum I want to be able to be her friend, no matter what the outcome.

D papers are still in force, but she is still unsure if it is what she wants. I am giving it some more time before I force her hand. She is very close to agreeing to counseling. I am hopefull that that will happen. The conflict right now is that she feels like the only reason she would be going to counseling would be to keep her family off of her back. I told her that if that was the only reason, I didn't think I wanted her to be there. I have stopped arguing and stopped trying to convince her to come back to me, and have been focusing on communication and making an emotionally safe environment. Last night we talked for some time, very pleasantly, about the terms of the D and what we both wanted. It hurt like heck to talk about, but I guess it is a necessary evil. After our talk she actually thanked me for talking with her.

This morning I got coffee on my way to work and decided to get a cup for her, even though bringing it back to the house was out of my way. When I got back to the house she was on the phone with OM. (At 5:15 am) When I walked in she looked shocked and quickly said, "I'll have to call you back, yep Love you too" Gawd that hurts! I just put the coffee on the counter and walked out. She called me on my cell a few minutes later to say Thank You.
I feel pretty good most of the time, but of course I have moments when I just don't know where to go, or what to do next. It is very frustrating and confusing. The feeling of loneliness is horrific!

She still feels like there is no way that she will ever love me the way that she (as she puts it) needs to. And she is still stuck in this, "If it is still like this 6 months or a year from now..." mode. I keep telling her that if we work together, there is no way that it will be like this 6 months from now. She has read some of the articles I pulled from here and MWD website, but it's like she doesn't want to believe it. Oh well, all I can do is all I can do.
Tonight she is going over to have a big talk with her parents, first time since they return from Cancun, and since D papers were served. She should be in a terrific mood after that... NOT. I think I will be asleep, when she gets back! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Minute by Minute,

r0uter

You might have to set a date in your mind to go to Plan B. Then you will know this won't go on forever. In the meantime, stick with Plan A and do the 180's.

But you may have to keep Plan B in mind for later.

I think she is close to calling off the D. Our talks seem to get more productive every day, and she has told me that she is struggling to make up her mind. I have told her in no uncertain terms that I plan to give her the D if that is what she truly wants. I have made it very clear that I intend to move on, and that I am taking care of me.
Our communication is getting better with time and practice, and I think she is finally starting to see that I am sincere. She is also starting to open her eyes to the fact that I am capable of making changes.
She started going to a new church a couple of weeks ago and that has made a noticeable change in her outlook.
I am continuing my plan for now, but realize that the day may come that I will have to resort to Plan B, or follow through with the D. Until then, I pray. I pray for the strength, wisdom and courage to continue this struggle. I pray that she will find the strength, courage and wisdom to see herself back into this marriage.

Minute by minute...

r0uter

Just a thought...


Assuming that she is more comfortable being around me, like I think she has been, and given that she still has admittedly not made up her mind; would it be appropriate for me to ask her what she thinks right now? Would it be ok for me to ask her to give up on the D, and come back to me, that we owe it to our children and each other to try again!?
I want so desperately to be able to just say to her, "Damn it! What is the hold up? Why is it so difficult for you to make a decision about the D? Can't you see that we CAN make it better? That we can fix our imperfect marriage and be happy and strong again?" But I know that would only make her retreat even more. I also want desperately to be able to sort of "Sweep her off her feet". To romance her and get close and touch her, hold her, kiss her and take her into the bedroom. But I know that she would say that it's not right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
NOT RIGHT?! What could be more right than a married couple making each other happy in the sac!? (not to belittle the act, but...)

She would say that it is not right because she has filed the paperwork. I don't care about that. I guess I feel like we have always connected well emotionally during the act. Maybe she is afraid that it will stir feelings in her that she forgot she had!? I don't know.

Having a hard time holding onto my sanity right now. But gonna give it a little more time before I go to Plan B.

Minute by Minute...


r0uter

I would not talk about relationship just now. Just stick with 180's and Plan A. The more you talk about relationship, the more WW will pull away.

Ok here's the latest...

W hasn't had a lot of time to interact with OM lately and I think it is starting to take it's toll on them!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Saturday I had to work and she was mostly staying home with the kids. I know that she had a couple of the neighbors kids for a while too, so I wasn't concerned with her being with him. (I have resigned myself to mostly not worry about that anyway right now but...) Anyway, I was on my way home and the OM passed me going the other way! You have to understand the town I live in is very small and there wouldn't be any reason for him to be there other than to see my W. I was immediately irate, only because I had already spoken to her and said that I did NOT want him near my house and as far as I could tell that's where he had been! I calmed myself down and decided not to say a word and see if she would be honest with me.
Three seconds later, my neighbor called and said guess what?! Of course I said, "I know he was there wasn't he?" she said "Yeah, but you don't understand. He never got out of his truck, and I don't think she even knew he was there!" She proceeded to explain to me how he crept up the street in his truck and stopped at the end of the circle waited. She was on her way out the door and he saw her and waited for her to get to her house before starting back in front of my house. She went immediately to the window and watched as he slowly drove past my house, never stopped, and looked right at her through her front window. As soon as he saw her, he took off down the street.
I am still not sure what to make of that, but she is convinced that it probably means that my W broke it off with him and he is cruising around hoping to catch a glimpse of her or something like that. ???? I really don't know. As much I would like to believe that could be true, I am being necessarily cautious and pessimistic. While she has not said anything directly that would indicate that she has broken it off with him, She has been acting strange and very comtemplative. Like she is always lost in thought. So, I guess part of me thinks maybe she did. But, I will not ask or eve hint around about it, if she wants me to know, she will have to tell me. She always says that she doesn't want to give me the wrong idea about things by doing things that might be interpreted as "Caring or thoughtful". Oh well.
So, I didn't say anything about it at all, and she never mentioned him all weekend. Good!

Yesterday was a very good day! I may have broken my plan a little, but I think it was a positive thing anyway. Lots of LB deposits yesterday.
We went to her new church and I think that she was surprised that I agreed to go. Very good experience there and she is really "into" this new church. (which I think couldn't be anything but good) After Church we went home and fed the kids lunch. I asked her if she wanted to skiing. She said she wanted to but we didn't have a babysitter, so she would stay home with the twins. I said no, if anybody stayed home it should be me, I have been skiing already, and she had not yet been able to try out her new skis and boots. So, I said call and see if the babysitter can come down.
We called and the babysitter came over and we went and had a ball! We laughed and talked like old friends again. I was on cloud nine. It was really a good time.
Then we went home and ate dinner, cleaned up together and sat down to watch the Pats beat the Cats!! (Go PATS!!) It was a very good day.
The part that I am not sure if I should have done was following her into conversation about our relationship and stuff. But, it was just after church and we were talking about church and she opened up and started talking about her counseling with the church couselor. So I figured, Let's see where this leads, just be ready to break it off if it goes the wrong way. And it never did. She told me that she was happy that we were friends again! She said that she is overall pretty happy right now and that she is less sure all the time if she wants the D! I was very encouraged, but tried not to show it. I think I did ok. It was upbeat and friendly talk, and she even told me that she is sorry for taking so long to make up her mind.
Today I will go back to my plan, and continue just trying to be her friend, it seems to be working.

More later,


r0uter