Well we had our first court date on Fri. and it sucked a whole lot more than I thought it would!
I kept telling myself that I was going to stick to my plan, that I WOULD NOT beg or cry or plead with her. Well, that didn't work. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I was already at the court house when she got there. She came over and sat down beside me, and I lost control and immediately began to cry and asked her not to do this, to stop the D right now. I asked her to give me a year to prove to her that we can be happy again, to give me a year to show her that I have changed and I know how we can make each other happy. I honestly believe that she was close to agreeing when her attorney rudely walked over (she had not heard any of what was being said) and pointed at my W and said, "I need a word with you right now. We are running late and I will have to ask the court for a couple of minutes." She was really a rude B****.
So, I just put my head down and prayed. I prayed to God to give me strength and to guide me, I prayed for Him to give her strength and to show her her true heart. I know He is a busy guy, but sometimes He moves way too slow. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Since then, we have had some decent talks, but it still always seems like I am the one doing the talking. I don't mind talking, but I would like to hear her open up every now and again.
On the brighter side, she did tell me that she has told the OM that she needs some time and space, and I believe her because of a few things that I have seen and heard. Also, because I know that she has not had much time to spend even near him.
I would very much like some feedback on this:
Am I being paranoid? the other night I asked her to go to dinner so that we could talk alone, I had arranged babysitting and everything. At nearly the last minute she tells me that she wants to go out with a friend of hers from work because it is the first time she has seem this friend in a long time, and she will not seem them again. She added that we could still go to dinner the next night. So I reluctantly said ok, and moved the babaysitting to the following night.
The following morning she leaves me a letter on the counter. The letter starts by saying that she is sorry about yesterday, (court and dinner) then goes on to say that her heart is torn and she needs to figure out if it is torn in the right direction. (!?!?!?!) (What the heck does that mean?) Then finishes by saying why don't we go skiing tonight there is a special at the local ski lodge, and why not invite our neighbor friends? While I had really wanted to go to dinner with her alone, I like to go skiing with her too, and thought that maybe this was a test to see how she felt while we were together with other friends (Does that make sense?) So, I made arrangements to go.
Not long after getting there, I notice that the OM is there too!! I was mad! So, against my better judgement I called her and asked her if she knew that he was going to be there? she said no, she didn't know and she was sorry that he was there. So, I left it at that. he wound up staying in the lodge most of the night when he realized I was there, which didn't bother me in the least. In fact, I thought it was kind of funny that he had spent money on the lift ticket and then didn't use it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Well, here is the part I am struggling with: when she showed up, I went out to greet her in front of the lodge and noticed that he was walking into the lodge from the parking lot with some trash, presumably from his car. Not long after that she walked in and I held her skis while she went and put on her boots. When she was walking up the stairs, I saw him walking down a parallel set of stairs and looking up at her like a lost child. She did not return the look, and in fact, didn't even look at him. He watched her as long as he could and then went down into the locker room. At first, I was happy about that, thinking that maybe she had said something to him about leaving her alone. But the more I think about it, the more I wonder if this wasn't some elaborately planned act. I wouldn't put it past them to have planned that whole thing to make it seem to me that things between them have gone south. She told me later that she HAD spoken to him and told him that she needed time and space, but I just don't know. She admitted that she speaks to him every once in a while, "we chit-chat every once in a while" she said. But according to her, they haven't "seen" each other in about a week or more.
I had asked her about the letter because I wanted to know what she meant by saying that her heart is torn, and she said, "If you think that I mean that my heart is torn between you and him, you are wrong, I am torn between staying in the marriage or going through with the D." She says that she doesn't feel 100% committed to saving the M, and that she doesn't want to try until she feels 100% committed.
While I can certainly respect that, I am unsure if she will ever feel 100% with me doing a Plan A. I am not very good at it anyway, as you can see. I am constantly trying to sway her opinion. I know I shouldn't but I can't help myself.
The hardest part through all of this is that when I see her, all I want to do is touch her, hold her, tell her I Love Her. And all of the other things that a married man should do for his W.
I forgot to mention that last week Thursday she called me at work to tell me that she was taking the kids to Chuck E Cheese, would I like to meet them there. Of course, I did. We had a fun with the kids and after she said she wanted to go to the Mall (Right next door). I offered for her to take my car and I would take the kids home and get them to bed. "No, why don't you come with us, it will only take about 20 minutes" she said. So, we all went. While we were there, I bought her some of her perfume, because I remembered she was out.
Then I again offered for her to take my car, she refused. So, I persisted. While I was talking her into it, I said, "You have about 2 seconds to make up your mind or I am going to kiss you." Then I did! And she did not resist at all. It was a good long semi-passionate kiss. I stepped back and said, "I've been needing to do that for a long time. She just smiled and nodded her head. She agreed to take the car, and while she was helping me get the kids in her truck, I hugged her, and she hugged me back! She nestled her head in the crook of my neck, and it felt so good! While I was standing there hugging her, I looked over her shoulder and started giggling. She asked what was so funny, and I told her to look at the license plate on the car behind her. It was our anniversary date as we always write it!! 2991
I took it as a sign from above, but I am not sure if she saw it the same way. Since then I have tried to kiss her again, and she refuses.
I am finding it difficult to look at her without touching, but I know that if I make it uncomfortable for her she will leave.
What next?
Minute by Minute...in God's hands.
r0uter
