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Well everyone, here I go again. H called me at work today and wants to go out for dinner. So I said okay. This will only be the second time we've been out together in a year. I just want to see if he can tell the truth about anything.
I have written out a few questions about things that have happened. I put it in writing because he has a way of talking around the issues.
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Believer,
Good luck to you! I wish you the best, you give me hope. Even though you're in Plan B the fact that your H still comes back or calls is hopeful that eventually he will one day be able to see what he has done and then work on the marriage.
Hope
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NOOOOOOOOO! Believer!! I hope you don't go.You will be hurt.Why would you see WH after you are in Plan B for the upteenth time?? I got a call from my WH today after I mistakenly answered the phone not knowing it would be him. Well guess what...I feel like I am back to SQUARE ONE because of that contact! I have been crying all day and I wish I didn't answer that phone. Do you really think WH will be honest at this point? Oh I hope you are ok afterward,that's all. O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
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Well I went and it was fairly pleasant. H is extremely depressed and can hardly get up and go to work in the morning. He hasn't made doctor appointment for anti-depressants, but says he will. He has been saying that for over a year.
He has not made counseling appointment. Does not think marriagebuilders will help, that he needs IC and we need face to face counseling. But he does not know where to go.
I did give him note with questions about all the lies he told me. He is going to look at it later. That will probably make him more depressed. But you know what - I am in no position to help him get over his problems - and I told him that. In fact I told him after he stays up crying all night for about 200 nights he will get worn out from all the despair and start feeling better. I know, a big LB, but that's exactly how I feel.
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Believer,
I think it was very courageous of you to go and face him. I hope that he does look at your questions and can formulate honest answers. Maybe crying about it a little will do him some good. I know I would like to see my WW cry even just a little to let me know that her heart is still beating. She shows almost no emotion at all.
Good luck Believer, I think you did the right thing.
r0uter
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What happened is that H wanted to get back together. We went out to eat. He told me he is going to win me back by being honest. I gave him a list of questions. He told me he would be back tonight to discuss things. Well guess what happened - NOTHING. No call, no word from him, nothing.
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Believer: Please forgive me if I am wrong: I am going out on a limb here and making a few assumptions - but I think you need to lighten up. It is possible to be firm without being hard. Do you understand how your letter affected him? People who are depressed are easily overwhelmed, and I am guessing your letter was so overwhelming that he gave up, and whatever resolve he had, evaporated. He is guilty, and he knows it. He has hurt you, and he knows it. He is just beginning to begin (maybe) to make the changes he needs to make. I don't think the list of questions was helpful. Helpful would be: "I really hope you can do that. Let's start with one question." And then start with an easy one.
<small>[ January 14, 2004, 12:01 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>
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John - I think you are right. I need to get control of myself. Usually I'm very forgiving and easy going, but the resentment is getting awful. My H has always made the decisions in our family and probably won't follow POJA. Also I have no trust in him anymore. It is very difficult to reconcile with someone who is depressed and not really that sorry.
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These changes take time. Trust is rebuilt one action at a time. Even if he were to instantly become the husband you always wanted, you would not trust him for months. It is pretty obvious that is not going to happen, but he may become a good husband over time. Or he may not. You need to just trust God one step at a time, pray for your H, yourself, and understanding of God's will, and the ability to do what you will eventually know to be right. Forgiveness, for a Christian, is not optional, I think. Reconciliation IS optional. I hope and pray that you find both.
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John39- I have completely given up. I am going to trust in the Lord to change me from within. I can't do this by myself. Please pray for me.
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None of us can do this by ourselves. I will pray for you.
There is another Christian poster here who I haven't heard from in a while. He actually heard God tell him: "Work on yourself. Let me worry about your wife." That is good advice to just about everyone in a similar situation. I don't know if his marriage is heading for reconciliation or divorce at the moment. I do know that every time he ignored that advice between when he received that message and when he last posted, it made things worse for him.
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