I posted on divorcing/divorced earlier. My wife of almost 13yrs came to me 2days after Christmas and told me she was having an affair.Which I had suspected for a month but didn't confront.She got a job as an apartment mgr. the 1st week of Oct. and the affair went into orbit the end of Nov. She is having an affair with one of the maintenance guys. She wanted two weeks before she moved out to get an apartment ready.He is divorced,with 2kids. We have no kids. We tried invetro early last year,she miscarried after 10days. We moved on didn't seek counseling,oops.
Well I gave her 2 weeks, hoping for her to doubt herself. I didn't find this site until she moved out.But I was close in trying to meet her EN.I didn't beg,plead,or cry. I promptly filed for divorce. She is in love with the OM. She had an affair with antoher man 9yrs ago and 8 yrs ago, the same man. Both times lasted 4 months. We never solved what was wrong apparently. She said in her own words that I didn't meet her EN. She felt no intimacy,for five years. But didn't tell me ever. Now I've not contacted her unless it has been business. She has called just to say hi. We have a dog that we'll share custody. She was our Churchs' financial secretary and finished her job there before resigning. She had made comment that she had wanted to stop by in the evening after finishing work at the church(our house is close). Yesterday a.m. she said she wanted to stop by in the p.m. I said o.k. It sounded like it was more than just to see the dog. She called at 8p.m. and wanted to skip coming over but I told her the dog really misses her. She came over and had this cold icy front put on.But her eyes gave away something else. She wouldn't look me in the eye. I asked if she came over to just see the dog. She said yes. Not to talk I asked, no she said. She only stayed 15 minutes, but gave me a long hug before she left. I want her to end the affair and work on us. We had a good marriage, hardly ever fought, seemed like there was a lot of love. But I wasn't meeting her EN and was too content and complacent to see. She doesn't seem to want any part of ending this affair. She threw away 13 years on a guy she met 3 months ago. Maybe this is the love of her life. When she makes up her mind to do something she goes full bore. Should I go to plan B. I'm kinda there. She moved out has her own place, I got the house and all the bills. I opened the door wide open. No alimony, no half of retirement. Just shared custody of the family dog. She said she still loves me and wants to be friends. I can't be friends. When I see her the pain of betrayal is there. So is her guilt, I see it in her eyes. Very confused. I spend a couple hours every morning just watching the religious channels and praying for a miracle. Knowing that the past may repeat itself. Once the newness wears off of the affair. Hell, how can she possibly think she knows this guy well enough to think she can just throw our marriage away for him. I'm sure she thinks they are soul mates, I know her that well.She is following the predictable patterns of adultery. But will she reach the point where she wants to return. I've let her know she can. MAybe I should tell her nope, goodbye. Don't know if the shock of moving out into an apartment and living where she works is enough. Not to mention he works for her!
I've babbled. Lots of random thoughts. sorry for the length.

Personally, I think you should be in Plan A. Plan B has a much greater chance to be effective if you have done a good Plan A. See the quote below. And stop lovebusting. If I read between the lines right, you are a conflict avoider (I am one, so I recognize it.) The primary Lovebuster that conflict avoiders tend to do is Dishonesty. In particular, being dishonest by avoiding a topic that may cause their spouse distress. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. If your spouse is NOT willing to work on your marriage, is denying involvement in an affair despite the evidence, and/or is continuing an affair, read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, below). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. Your situation is harder, but your chances of saving your marriage and actually making it better than before are still good. But, whether your spouse is "on board" or not, you should do three things:

1.) Learn. The most important and helpful single source of information for my wife and I was “Surviving an Affair” by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them. So that you can get started right away, while waiting for SAA to arrive in the mail, read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity You will find that I mostly followed his plan. It works.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I vote for Plan A too. Hang in there and keep reading and posting.

I picked up a copy of Surviving an Affair yesterday and read half of it. I've learned alot from this website. I printed off 2 copies of the emotional needs questionaire plus some other stuff. I filled one out and put everything in a folder for her when she picked up the dog last night. I asked her to read it and not throw it away.I slipped a couple 20's in the folder so I could find out if she even looks in it.She has been finishing her job up at church as financial secretary this week. Tuesday a.m. I called to tell her I had ordered our dogs special dogfood. She asked if she could come over in the p.m., I said sure. At 8:15pm she called to say she wasn't coming.I told her the dog was expecting her.So she came over.She told me that a gal at church that thought well of my wife knows about our situation(I told our pastor).She seemed upset and put on a cold front.I thought I seen struggle in her eyes,she spent only 15minutes and left.She said she had thought about coming over monday p.m. too but didn't call.I asked if her coming over was just for the dog.She said"yes,that's what I said." She didn't she just had said she had wanted to stop by.
I asked if she had got a bed yet.It is being delivered on friday.So she has been sleeping with her lover since last friday.So much for taking it slow and living in her own apartment.
So how can I be in plan A with her living away from home.Obviously they are in love and probably at the soul mate stage.I've offered to work on her Blazer and fix the oil leaks for her.She also will have the TransAm.Which needs shocks replaced(they are in the garage).Is it wrong to offer this?Can this be part of plan A? Now all our friends and her family know of the affair. I haven't contacted her lover or her employer.I don't know what the company policy is on relationships between employees. Since it is an apartment complex I doubt her managment gives a hoot. I'd like to think that since she hates to live where she works and he works for her that this is a recipie for disaster.Plus he has 2 kids of his own and she couldn't have a child of her own.When this happened 8yrs ago one of the reasons for her coming back was she didn't want to have anyones kid but mine.To bad we didn't fix our problems 8yrs ago.We just moved on and tried to forget about it,oops.
This sitution with her moved out kind of puts me between planA and planB I think.There seems to be no,I repeat no desire to end the affair. Could this be an "exit affair"? I keep praying for a miracle and believe in that miracle. The next problem is in my emotional state 2 days after disclosure I started divorce papers. On the 21st(next week) I file the final and about 2 weeks after that we will be officially divorced. Fast in Idaho! Now I do have an option I do have until June to file the final paperwork. Idaho allows six months, then if nothing is done it is automatically dismissed.Now do I ask her on Sunday when she brings the dog back if she has the slightest bit of a spark in her heart for me? Do I tell her I'm not filing the final yet? Do I tell her that I want to work on our marriage? Knowing her and this situation I can imagine she'll want it over,because she is madly in love with this guy. Hopefully this isn't to long winded. I could probably type a book!
thanks

Obviously they are in love
It's called the "lust" stage.

and probably at the soul mate stage.
What's that?

Read up the links below.

So how can I be in plan A with her living away from home.
You are having some interactions with her so it is very possible to do Plan A.
Make sure you eliminate ALL lovebusters.

soul mate stage; I was referring to what was written in surviving an affair.
Yes, thanks, I will avoid LB's.

So how do I bring up the topic of putting off of the final filing of D next week? I guess I'll have to judge that depending upon whether or not she has read anything I put in that folder.I can hear her already"are you expecting me to change my mind?" She has already told her folks that when her niece graduates in June that her and the OM are driving down.Her folks said the OM is not staying with them.She is thinking long term with him and wants us to be over.Or is she in a fog still?Or will I be showing her that I mean business and continue the filing? Would it be possible to show her that I'm moving on and she is losing me?If the affair ends and we do reconcile we could remarry. Confused right now.

She called me at work today.Asking what the pair of 20's were for.I told her they were for the dogfood or for whatever else she needs,also that it made me feel good to give her that.She called from her car on the way to the store for paint for her apartment.I asked if she looked at the stuff in the folder.She said"are you kidding I'm to busy to do anything."Hmmm. Did I plant the right seed?Other than the EN questionaire, I had some printouts of why affairs happen and how they end.Also LB's and policy of joint agreement.
And what are EN's.time will tell..

You are way too early to be thinking about divorce. Postpone it. You seem very clever - you will think of something.

I came across an email WS sent our pastor last week about resigning as financ.secretary. In it she says that she has felt no intimacy with me for years and she is crazy in love with this other person.Being that she can't have children she doesn't care if she is ever intimate with me again or not. She apologizes to our pastor if she has let him down. I knew she was in love with this guy. She never said it to me but I knew it.Still hurts to see it in writing.

I'm wondering if plan A will even work. Since there are no kids involved.After reading that email it is another confirmation that her infertility is a motivation to exit this marriage.I see most of these situations where the couple have worked it out there are kids involved.Which is a big motivator in saving a marriage.Since we don't have any what is the motivator?I led her to believe that I was not open to adoption.I had said that I wasn't ready for that.I didn't ask her to tell me her feelings on that.Another mistake.My motivator is that I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her.But now she is crazy in love with him.Guess I need to keep plugging away. How do I tell her that I want to postpone filing the final divorce papers?

I'm wondering if plan A will even work.
If you mean by saving the marriage then maybe or maybe not.
But that is not the ONLY goal of Plan A. Plan A WILL work if applied properly.
And what I mean by “WILL work” is you will earn new habits and things you do in relationships and how to relate to someone else in a way that makes the relationship grow.

I see most of these situations where the couple have worked it out there are kids involved.Which is a big motivator in saving a marriage.
Yes it is. With no kids involved, it is up to you to decide if you want to try & work it out.
And it’s not something you should take lightly just because there are no kids

Since we don't have any what is the motivator?
See below.

My motivator is that I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her.

But now she is crazy in love with him.
As I said previously, it’s more lust at this point.

How do I tell her that I want to postpone filing the final divorce papers?
Don’t bring up divorce at all. If she mentions it, simply tell her you do not want one.

I won't bring up the divorce,I'll let her,thanks.
After her admittance to the A,I had offered to work on her autos,"I'll only charge a small fee."
Is what I said,inferring sex. That was wrong. I pulled back from the offer.But since discovering plan A,plan B I offered again to work on her autos.She asked what I wanted in return.I told her SG1 night,a ritual we had w/friends is a get together on fridays watching stargate on scifi.After moving away from our friends the ritual kinda fizzled.She was shocked,she had to ask again.I said that sex is not where we should go,so an evening of sg1.She said she'd think about it.Hoping she takes me up on it.Part of "my" Plan A.Another thing is she once a month got together with her cousin to do scrapbooking.She was working on a couple for me and even after the A was out she said she wanted to complete them for me.Tonight she is supposed to get together and scrapbook.Could be a good thing to see pix of me.We'lll see...

NO,scrapbooking with her cousin.Snooped in her email.She said she was doing SG1 night.Trying to copy what we had.Man I'm going through my own withdrawal due to NC on her part with me.It has been 42 hours since she contacted me.She has been calling me every day or every other day up until now. I may not hear from her until sunday night when she brings our dog over.Guess she is trying to distance herself.If I understand the withdrawals correctly,when she sees me tomorrow p.m. She'll have some for me all over again next week. I hope to tell her tomorrow p.m. that I love her,I will always be there for her no matter what.Also that I've learned a lot in the last 2weeks.That I know what was wrong in our marriage that led to the A.It was fixable and still is,I'm willing if she ever finds herself willing to try.

Best thing right now is to steer clear of relationship talk. Just be good to her and try to enjoy her company. When they are in the fog, they don't want to discuss the marriage.

While she is gone, take the time to do something for you - exercise, go out with friends, enjoy the weekend. I organized, cleaned, painted, detailed the car, went out with friends, etc. When H came by one day he told me it looked like I was doing very well by myself. That's what you need to do. Let her know that you can be just fine without her. Then she will start realizing she may be making a huge mistake.

Yes I have been going to the gym at least two days a week. Guess I could clean the house.Pull all the nails out of the walls.Don't know if I can take our portrait off the wall though. We also bought a 68 Camaro for her this past summer. It is in the garage awaiting work. I could start on it. I work weekends(dayshift).It has been cold here in Idaho,hard to get out in the unheated garage when it is so cold.Not talk about the relationship,ok.But do I tell her that I know what led to the affair and that even now there is a chance for recovery?

Sounds like a nice car. Get busy doing things. It is very important. I cleaned, painted, drywalled the bathroom, even bought a 4 wheel drive jeep to take to the desert with my sons. I live in California so it is easier for me. But I'm sure there are lots of things you can do. It's funny, but once you start doing things, you will get some satisfaction and not obsess about her.

I would not tell her anything. It is not time yet. If you have to go to Plan B, then that is the time to let her know that you have made some mistakes too. Right now you need to take action. My H was with OW for 3 months before he came by. I looked at it like this was my time to sow - later would be the time to reap. He was shocked at the changes around the house. I told him that I was going on with my life and intended to have a good life, with or without him.

That is the way to go. Suddenly they start wondering if they have made a HUGE mistake. Talking, pleading, crying and begging do not work. Show her you are strong and ready to move on. It will help you get your self-esteem back. Good luck, and get busy.

I feel I'm handling things well so far.No begging,pleading or crying.Nor have I told her that we could still fix things.Just her last night at home I mentioned that in my learning I realized that everything that was wrong could have been fixed,it is to bad we didn't communicate worth a s@#*! She said "yes." Guess I could be ready for some professional advice. Thought about calling Dr.Harley,but he must be verrryyyy busy these days.The only thing that concerns me right now is in the last 2weeks I've talked to alot of coworkers that have been through the same thing and wound up divorced and never got back together with their WS.Guess they didn't have a good plan, some of them their WS wound up staying with the lover,some not.

It has been 48 hours since I last talked to her.I'm going a little nuts. I tried calling her at work just wanted to say hi and see how the dog was.But her assistant was there,she doesn't work today.Hard to think of her setting up her new apt. with him or whatever they're up to today.Guess she is to happy right now to bother calling me to say hi.If she's trying to NC,I'll probably get home from work tomorrow to find the dog already there and her not.Do I call her cell?

No - leave her alone. Get going with your life. Out of WS's that leave, only 5% get married to OP, and 75% of them divorce. So her chances are much better with you, but you must let her figure it out herself.