I've got a long post in here if any one needs more background but:
I have known about the affair for 5 months, but it went on much longer. 2 kids - 5 years & 1 year. Our marriage was pretty good or so I thought, we had poor communication, were only meeting some emotional needs (I devoted too much time & energy to my kids), my wife has a problem with dishonesty (actually, no problem, she likes dishonesty just fine). But even today, my wife says she loves me and needs time to figure out where she needs to be: here with her family, or a future with the OM (he's married with 4 kids, but says ready to leave her - but my wife needs to go first).

My questions:

Since my wife wants to continue the status quo (cakeeater - stay here and still continue affair) while she "figures this all out", am I crazy to let her do it? I am tired of Plan A and become a basket case when she sees him. Shouldn't I insist that she do the right thing and leave, as I have asked her to do?

Or do I suck it up and try my best to handle the pain at risk of losing all my love for her? After all, my situation is better than most people's in our shoes, she is still here, loves her kids, does not want to leave, says she still loves me, etc.

Of course never say never, but right now, I am not sure that I would want her back if she leaves. For her to cause all that pain on me and my kids, what kind of person is that to build a life with? How the heck do I get over my need to see her every day? To talk to her every day? I do lover her. I am not afraid of being alone long term, as I know I could find someone good for me. But I guess I am afraid of the lonliness in the short term, which could be years. Will antidepressants work? Any feedback from those who have tried them?

Time for plan B. Have you exposed the A as suggested in the Plan A links below? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If your spouse is NOT willing to work on your marriage, is denying involvement in an affair despite the evidence, and/or is continuing an affair, read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, below). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. Your situation is harder, but your chances of saving your marriage and actually making it better than before are still good. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ January 14, 2004, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

It sounds like your wife is really torn right now. It also sounds like you have had about enough so it may be time for a Plan B for you.

I just want to say to you that you have nothing to be ashamed of regarding your wife. A lot of people would have thrown her out when they found out, yet you have told her and have been showing her that you love her. I just wish all spouses would show each other that same love before things start getting out of control.

She has no reason to change right now since she knows you know about the A and you have not taken any steps to make her feel the pain. I don't know if there is any way to make the OM feel pain. If he is a Dr. can you contact any bosses he has or hospitals to make his life more uncomfortable? It seems the only one feeling any pain is you.

You have one huge advantage over the OM and that is your children. If your wife does love your children if she is seperated from them then the OM is not going to look as good as her H and children do when she no longer has them. Right now she has that safety and she can go to the OM so she probably is in no rush to do anything.

I am married and have 4 children so I am going to tell you to focus on the children and yourself. I think you still have a good chance with your marriage but your wife cannot be allowed to be a cake eater. If you are at the end of your rope you need to change something and Plan B would obviously do that.

I would also seek legal advise to protect yourself and the children. I am not saying divorce her but you need to start planning so you have options and legal advice no matter what happens. I wish you luck and hope your wife sees the light before it is too late.


I can't tell you what is going to happen if you go to Plan B but I think you need your wife to leave or make a commitment to you and your family and go to NC with the OM.

Hi Hurtingdad,

I agree that Plan B sounds like the next step.If you have done a good Plan A but you are tired and your wife is on the fence,Plan B.That's what I did.It has helped a lot although I do have an occasional day here and there that is hard, it is much better.

Also,I have been taking the AD Remeron and it has really helped especially when I got to my right dosage.I feel much more stable and able to handle things better although not every day is fantastic but it helps level me out.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Hurting -

You are definitely in a precarious situation. I say I want my husband home with me, but I have to say that my emotions have been much more in check with his absence. I'm not saying I like it - by any stretch of the imagination - but it has helped me avoid those hours and hours of sobbing.

We had a situation over here this morning. WH was here last night visiting the kids, and put them to bed. This morning, at 6:20, my son got out of bed and promptly went downstairs, opened the garage door, and went searching for his daddy. Luckily, my neighbor was out setting up for a garage sale, and directed him back inside. HE IS ONLY 5.

Even though I haven't contacted him since Wednesday, I felt that this definitely warranted a phone call. How it sucked to hear his voice again. Sucked because I realized how much I missed it. Even though I am so ANGRY that he's hurting my children without any regard for their wellbeing, I love the [censored].

Everyone here is such a great help. Whether it be from advice, positive thoughts, or just relaying their own situation (there is some comfort in knowing others are going through the same thing and have not completely "lost it".

Wanting: As a dad, my heart goes out to you and your kids. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> We both have 5 year olds, and I can only imagine what my daughter would do if my wife left.

Some days are better than others. I still believe that it is God's intention that we be together. But, we have free will and she may decide to not listen to God and go her own way. I cannot imagine her doing it, she loves her kids so much! But, only time will tell.

I so very much do love her. But she needs to decide where she wants to be. If I have to move on without her, I will - as I cannot force her to stay or to love me. Why do the WS's not see that life, love, and marriage can be better than it ever was if she and I were to concentrate and work on us? I know the answer, but it is still very frustrating.

Keep up the faith, and stay sane for your kids!