Hey, gang,

I'm new here. I found out Dec 6th about my WW's affair, ongoing since last summer. (I found out from the phone bill. ) She shows no remorse, and continues to see him. He lives across the country, and they met online. We've got our 7th anniversary coming up in april, we're both 26 yrs old, and we have a two-year-old daughter.

I surprised her by not wanting to divorce her. Now, she's aware that I want to make it work. Since I told her this, she has become depressed, and has told me that she has dreams and fantasies of suicide. I told her that she will always have my love.

I began plan A as soon as I read Surviving An Affair. I am doing my best to be there to meet her emotional needs that I neglected for so long, and she told me that she appreciates it. Yet she is still with the other man.

She's not good at covering her tracks. I found a book called "How to Divorce Yourself in Texas" in her drawer. I know her email password, and I found out today that the other man is building a new house for them to live in. This is discouraging, to say the least.

She loves my family, she enjoys me meeting her needs, but she has no love for me anymore. Plan A is supposed to help with that, and should put an end to the affair. In theory.

It's a shame that Plan A was not documented in depth in the book (only one page?) I read on several posts that plan A involves loving her, being there to meet her emotional needs, avoiding being the source of her pain, gently letting her know how she is hurting me, etc. But I also read from someone's post that Plan A involves telling the world about the affair. Is this correct? How can this help her? If I tell anyone, she will hate me even more, and will surely leave me for trashing her name. Hurting her seems counter-intuitive to the point of plan A, which is to break off the affair and give her an alternative (i.e., me).

She went to be with her family out of state for a planned Christmas trip for 3 weeks (3 days after I found out about the affair). Since she returned (close to New Years), we have only discussed the affair once, and I screwed up big time. I told her that I was hurt, and that I couldn't stand knowing that she was in love with another man, etc. I then asked her if she has been with him (he lives in Virginia), and found out that they have been together many times. I went crazy, jealous, angry, demanding to know details, etc. This most likely withdrew any LB deposits I had made up to that point. I later apologized for my behavior, but the damage had been done. This was last week.

I want to ask her to break off the affair, but this is making a Demand, which is against the rules of Plan A. What do I do? I love her more now than ever. I understand that I left her emotionally vulnerable to an affair, and I have forgiven her not loving me, and for loving him. I now know what needs he is meeting that I can meet, and I'm giving her an opportunity to have them met. What is killing me now is that she won't call it off, and I am walking on eggshells trying to talk to her. I am afraid that anything I way will piss her off and send her further away from me and into his arms.

I need advice on what to say to her. Please, please, please HELP!!!!!

~Dying_in_Dallas

Dying, as my name indicates I know the feeling.
First you have come to the right place. So many in your shoes who will be able to help you better understand what you are going through. But the one thing I would definitely encourage you to do is 1)tell the other man you know and if he is married tell his W, and 2)tell a couple of key people who are close to you and your wife. Perhaps a sister or best friend. Someone who will have both your interest at heart. She will be very angry but it will put much more pressure on her affair. If you keep her dirty secret you are enabling it and it won't go away by itself.

Also read up on Plan A. It's a tried and proven formula but you need to completely understand it. If you have not read all the introduction pages to this site you should do so. This will be a long hard journey but you can come out with a better marriage in the end.

bump

Dying,

You have come to the right place, many of us know exactly how you feel.

Plan A makes you an attractive option to her when the affair ends. Most affairs do but when it ends will be up to her. That is a hard thing to accept. You can tell her how you feel but only she can make the choice to stay in the marriage.
Plan A requires that you eliminate all Love Busters, that includes Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgements, Selfish Demands, Annoying Behaviors and others that I cant remember right now. This is a must as LBs only drive her to the OM.

Most importantly, don't beat yourself up over slip ups, instead take responsibility for your actions and move forward.

About exposing the affair. Affairs thrive on dishonesty and secrecy. Affairs cannot last in the light of day. Someone in an affair is living a fantasy. Exposing the affair will help wake her up to the reality of her choices. Yes exposing it will make her angry. From my perspective you have to look at your motivation for exposure, are you doing it to punish her or to stop the affair. When you expose the affair do so to people you trust to help her see reality and encourage her to end it. If friends or family will only rain down anger and judgements upon her then it may be best to not expose. Others, I'm sure will weigh in on this.

Throughout all of this be her friend. As much as it may hurt.

If your wife is withdrawing from you, as mine did, stop all affair, marriage and relationship talk. There will be time for all of that later. Simply be there for her. Meet whatever needs she will let you. Also do for yourself what you need to survive this and do a good plan A. This may include seeing an marriage counselor (even without her) or individual counselor. The materials and various individuals here also recommends anti depressants to help the betrayed spouse cope and do a good plan B.

You are not alone in all of this. Keep coming here for support.

JGNC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Since I told her this, she has become depressed, and has told me that she has dreams and fantasies of suicide. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How severe is her depression?

Her depression is a roller coaster for her. Her only happiness is found in her lover. She is on an upswing now, and she is letting me talk to her and spend time with her, do her favors, etc. Who knows what next week will bring.

Her depression was initially caused by our bad relationship, with me not meeting her needs. Then, a few deaths and health problems in her family didn't help. Now, her depression is here because she's torn between me and her lover.

I can totally see the struggle in her mind now. She talks about our future as though we will last forever. She's talking about things we will do that are months and even years away from happening. "For your parents' 30th anniversary, we should ..." (which is next year). She's buying things to decorate the house, while I was assuming she was ready to leave. But at the same time, I know that she loves him, that their relationship is exiting while ours is stale, and she doesn't want to throw that away, either.

When she makes a decision, it will lead to more depression. She will either be guilt-ridden for leaving me, hurting my family, splitting her daughter from her father, etc., or she will be in misery for leaving him, who she sees now as the love of her life.

I love her more than words can describe. I find it very hard to believe this, but I'm actually feeling her pain. This totally sucks for her, and there's probably very little I can do to ease the pain she's in. I wouldn't wish this misery on anyone, much less my wife. (She brought this upon herself, I know. But I still hate seeing her in pain like this.)

Bringing up the affair brings her down, and she gets angry, blames me, disrespects and mocks me. Then (I know from the phone bills) she calls him up, goes out for a while, and returns home to cry herself to sleep. That's why I'm walking on eggshells.

Then, there's my depression. To sit by and say nothing while she carries on an affair goes against everything I feel is right. I'm a doormat, letting her take advantage of me and have it both ways. Yet I see progress when I just shutup, swallow my jealousy, and love her, and make myself pleasant to be around. This is the most humiliating experience of my life, yet it is also the opportunity to be the strongest man I've ever been.

The problem with never confronting the issue is that the faithful spouse can't see any end in sight. Will this ever end? How many more days/weeks/months will I have to live with this situation? She could call off the affair next week, or divorce me in a month, who knows? (Her emotional volatility doesn't help either.) The timeframe I set is helpful to know when I will make a decision, but when will she?

These are dire straits ...

DID,

I too feel your pain. I too feel the pain my WW is going through.

Here is a very good post about Plan A that I think you should read:

Doormats and Plan A

Especially since you mention feeling like a doormat.

This could take a very long time, we are possibly talking years. I don't think anyone here would try to tell you otherwise. But it could also be over (the affair) fairly quickly. Let's hope for quickly. The marrige building part (recovery) WILL take much longer. I am telling you this because you need to be prepared for it to take a long time. Do things for yourself, find a hobby, relax, take time to do things around the house, spend time with your daughter. It is important to realize that the only thing you can change right now is YOU. You cannot force her to change, nor should you expect to be able to.
I don't think it is wrong for you to ask her to end the affair, marriage is something that you did together, you have a right to let her know how you feel about it. Maybe some of the others would say differently. But, the way I read it Plan A is only about ending the affair. It is not about fixing the marriage right now. It is about ending the affair. Asking her to end it is only telling her what you would like and how you feel IMVHO.

I wish you the best, and as you might have already figured out; you HAVE come to the right place. We are all sad to see people come here because of the reasons they do, but glad that they do, and more than happy to offer support and advice.


r0uter

<small>[ January 15, 2004, 12:06 PM: Message edited by: r0uter ]</small>

DiD,

First thing to do is calm down. You are missing something about Plan A. You remove LB's from your interaction, but you can calmly and politely express your feelings, and fears. She won't want to hear them, but they are yours. Dr. Harley, is very clear on this Plan A does as the previous poster mention believe that Plan A is to help END the affair. Because until the affair ends, you can do nothing for your W. So he also strongly suggests telling close family of her's and your's about the A. She won't like it one bit, that is the point. The fantasy feeds of insulation from the outside world.

So tell your family what is happening in your marriage. Tell her's.

You will find that plan A sometimes works by itself, as the A ends and recovery can begin once withdrawal is completed. Please read about these stages. But, often you need to go to plan B. Plan B is designed to PRESERVE your love for W while A continues. The walking on eggshells, knowing she is in contact, seeing her IS draining your love for her. IF you cease to love her, then when the A ends you will probably NOT have what it takes to rebuild so what was the point, right?

Plan B should be used while you still love her, but you can feel the distance and numbness building. It forces OM to meet ALL of her needs. It helps you maintain your love longer, there is still a drain but it slows. The idea is to outlast the A with some love for your W left. There is no guarentuee that this is going to happen, but most A's do end. Few lead to new marriages and those that do, often fail.

So avoid the LB's, but state your case. Set your boundaries, and prepare for plan B now. When you are ready to go to Plan B, you will need to send her a plan B letter, start doing research on it now. It is interestingly enough a LOVE LETTER, but it has specific aspects to it.

What you are doing in Plan A is letting her know the door is open, that you can forgive, that you will work on your issues, and that you are committed. Knowing these things often does NOT end the A. Hence Plan B. But, it all hinges on the A ending and really you have no control over that. Therefore, shine the light on it, tell others, and then sit back. She is in control of this situation until the A ends or your decide to leave her.

I would also counsel you to consult with a lawyer about your rights as a father of your child. Just gather facts and information, so that you are ready to handle whatever comes down the road.

This is very tough stuff and as they say around here, you may feel like a doormat, but Plan A is NOT FOR WIMPS.

God Bless,

JL

On Saturday I confronted the OM. We talked for 23 minutes, discussing the predicament that all three of us were in. We were both friendly, respectful, and genuinely concerned about my wife. I told him that for me and my wife to work on our marriage, that they needed to end their relationship, and he said that if that's what she wants, that's what he'd do, since he wants the best for her. But he took no responsibility whatsoever for the affair, blaming her for pursuing him, and he said he would not call off their relationship for her sake without her asking him for it. Pretty spineless.

Then, I had a very productive conversation with my wife Sunday night. We talked from midnight until about 4am, discussing our marriage. After a brief fight, we began discussing the terms of divorce, who gets what, who goes where, who gets our daughter, etc. After a while, we both broke down in tears, mourning the death of our marriage. She stays home with our daughter and has no work specialty/training, so without a job she is terrified of leaving, but concedes that that's a terrible reason to stay with me.

She also finally came to terms with the fact that I am not leaving her, and that I want to make things work. This still blows her mind. She gave me an honest apology for the affair, which totally took me off guard. She asked how she could ever make it up to me if she decides to stay, which implies that her decision to leave is not set in stone. I told her that the problems in our relationship were on both sides, that both my faliure to meet her emotional needs and her decision to have an affair were both problems that needed to be overcome, and that we can make these things up to each other by a lifetime of understanding, respect, and love. She seemed to be okay with that answer.

She is now truely torn between staying and going, which is a huge change for the better. She had been assuming that the marriage was dead, and that I would leave her. Now she knows that I love her for who she is, not what she has done. She doesn't know if she can still be my wife, since every time she sees me now she feels extreme guilt (from herself, not me). "How can we look at each other without thinking about him?" But on the other hand, she can't bring herself to leave her lover, and she is still talking to him. Right now, his voice seems to be the only thing that makes her happy.

This is a phase that is good for the marriage, bad for her (emotionally), and tough for me, knowing that she is now being torn in half. She can't live with herself, and since we had this discussion she has talked about her renewed suicidal thoughts and dreams. I'm currently trying to persuade her to see our doctor about anti-depressant meds, but she's not thrilled about the idea.

We also discussed how she needed to talk about the sitution with someone else, but she doesn't trust any of her current friends not to be either too judgemental or to keep a secret (she needs new friends!!!). The only family member she trusts is her sister, who will be coming to visit soon. I was planning on telling her sister anyway, so this will be a good thing.

Here's my question to the group: Is there anything else I can do while she takes the time to make her decision? She'll be trudging through life for the next few weeks/months, and I'm trying to get her medicated. In the meantime, I'll avoid love busters and keep up the love bank deposits. I know she needs some space right now, but surely she wants me to reach out now, too, right?

Thanks for your support. You folks are great, and this resource is a Godsend! I would especially like to hear the perspective and advice of a woman, particularly one who as cheated and made things work.

Thanks in advance for your support and advice!


Dying_in_Dallas