Hello, everyone. I've been lurking for about six weeks, and I'm finally ready to ask for some advice. If this gets too long, I'm sorry.
Some background:
Me, BS, 39 next week
WH, 46
D, 5
D, 2.5
M 10 years, together for 12
d-day Dec. 1, 2003
OW, 31 -- former daycare provider and my friend
It's been more than six weeks, and WH still won't admit to anything more than a few kisses with OW. His big issue in our marriage is SF -- has never felt we have enough sex. His story is that he "hit on" OW so she'd come to me and I'd know there was a problem in our marriage -- that nothing was supposed to happen between them. He said he kissed her, but "she liked it -- it made her feel good about herself."
She called while he was telling me, and he was calling her "hon" and telling her that everything was going to be okay, that her H didn't need to know, that he had told me there was no sex, etc. -- basically coaching her on what he was telling me. They talked numerous times the next day, including a 41-minute phone call between 6 & 7 a.m., so they had plenty of time to get their story straight. Then she got involved, calling me and backing up his story, saying she was in a vulnerable place because of her own marital problems, and that's why she kissed him instead of getting out and walking home...and that she never meant to hurt me.
The two things I asked for immediately, and have yet to get, are NC and complete honesty about what's really going on.
I started really looking at our cell phone bills, and there was some type of internet access/web call activity dating back to at least July, which he denies. His first response was "I'm too stupid to do that -- it's not me." There are simply too many of them for it all to be accidental. There are also regular phone calls to her that are unexplained.
Also, a few nights before d-day, he and OW were on my computer, looking very cozy as I walked by the room, and I found out later they had been looking at porn sites. Both downplayed it and said it was nothing, but it really bothered me.
The morning after he told me, he called me and asked me 1. not to tell OW H, and 2. not to blame OW, that he didn't want to wreck our friendship. That just set the tone for the next 2-3 weeks, because he couldn't stop defending her. He'd say there would be no contact, but it kept happening.
I ended up following him the Friday before Christmas. She lives basically around the corner from us, and WH goes to work very early, while OW H works nights, and doesn't get home until about 7:15 a.m. So they've had plenty of time and opportunity...So that morning, he left our house at 5:40 a.m., when his job doesn't start until about 8 a.m. I left about five minutes later, drove past her street, turned around and drove back by. I saw two cars that could have been WH's in front of her house, went to the next street and parked. I was walking quickly down the sidewalk toward her house, not even thinking about hiding myself, when WH drove by. I couldn't believe it! I know he saw me, as I saw him, and instead of turning into her street he kept going, and I ran back to my car and tried to get away. I believe he drove back by as I tried to drive further into the lot where I had parked...and then I went home.
We had our first MC session the next day, and he alluded to the possibility that I may have followed him, and then asked me directly when we were on our way home if I had ever followed him. I said "you know I have, because I did it yesterday and you saw me." To my complete amazement, he's denying that too! Telling me not to believe my own eyes!!!
Sorry if this seems disjointed, but I'm trying to summarize and keep it as short as possible...
I took my girls and went to my sister's in Florida for Christmas, because WH wouldn't level with me about everything. I came back the weekend after New Year's, because OD had to start school again. Nothing has really changed, because he still won't admit to anything except kissing her that weekend, but nothing is adding up. OW called me, apparently suicidal, while I was away, and said she wouldn't call for help unless I promised her that I would come home and work things out with WH...very manipulative!!
Also, I caught WH in another lie on Christmas Eve. He had begun telling me when OW called him, and called me that day as I was driving to Florida to tell me that she had called to invite him over that night to talk to her H. He said he wouldn't go if I didn't want him to. I thought about it for a while, called him back and said I didn't want him to go, and he said he wouldn't.
Meanwhile, OW H and I had had a couple of conversations before I left. I showed him my cell phone bills and told him what I suspected, but he ended up saying he didn't think there was really anything going on beyond the kisses that one weekend, but we exchanged cell phone numbers and agreed to talk as needed. So, I called him Christmas Eve as he was on his way to work, and he casually mentioned that my WH had come over that evening so the three of them could talk. I called WH and asked him what he'd been doing that evening, and he said cleaning the house, going out for milk at midnight, etc. -- nothing that made any sense! I finally asked him outright if he'd gone to their house, and he said no. Busted!!! I told him I talked to OW H and then he finally admitted it, and said he didn't tell me because he knew it would upset me. I explained as calmly as I could that the lying is more hurtful than whatever it is he's doing -- that we can't rebuild without honesty.
I'm trying to do Plan A, but it's getting harder each day. I've told him from the beginning that whatever is going on, I'm willing to work around it if he'll just tell me everything, but he insists there's nothing else to tell.
I'm in therapy by myself as well, and my counselor asked me the other day where I was on a scale of 1 to 10 in terms of my commitment to saving this marriage (10 being the most committed), and I said probably about a 4. I asked WH and he says he's at a 10, and I told him I'm at 4 right now...that I can't fix this alone, etc.
So, if you're still with me after this LONG post, any thoughts? Is this just anger talking right now? Is there anything I can do to get through to him that honesty is my top EN right now? Am I crazy, or is this fog talking, and there really is more going on? They've both been working really hard to hide whatever it is, and WH just keeps saying things like "I don't know, I don't remember, I don't think that was me"...
One more thing -- I think I've basically messed up by tipping my hand too soon -- every card I got, I showed. They know I'm monitoring the cell phone and now the home phone, so I think he uses pay phones now from work, and finds reasons to go out on weekends...he says the continued contact was them talking, trying to find a way to fix their marriages. Now he's blaming her for initiating all the most recent contact...
Anyway, thanks in advance for all your wise advice. This site has really helped me a lot, just knowing that I'm not alone in going through all this pain.
