My wife divorced me in April of 2003. Several months before that she came home one day and spoke of her unhappiness with the marriage, saying I didn't even notice her anymore and didn't give her any time or attention. I told her I loved her and didn't realize I had been neglecting her so much. She said she needed time and space to decide what to do. From that point on, she started confiding in a good male friend from work who was also going through a divorce. I didn't know this, she told me she was going to a girlfriend's house. She did this about every night. Said she couldn't stand to be around me. Later I found out she was going to his place. Then one night I came home from work before going bowling, and this guy was over at my place. I was crushed. She said they were just friends. She said I ruined there dinner. Then she asked me for a divorce. I was devastated. I feel like I blew it with the most wonderful woman in the world.

Following this she pursued the divorce without any remorse or doubt. Her relationship with this other guy continued and flourished. There wasn't anything more I could do. Then, one week before the divorce was final, she came over and said she wanted to work things out and ask me for forgiveness. We talked for 4 hours. I told her I needed some time to think it over. She said okay but called me 2 hours later asking me if I had thought about it. I said and wanted to work it out with her but wanted to make sure she was committed, and would talk to her tomorrow. She called me back 30 minutes later and said forget it, and that she was in love with this other guy, and said she only wanted to work it out to be with our 2 young daughters more. I was crushed again. Tried to talk her out of it but with no success. The divorce was final a week later.

2 months later, she emailed me to say she was planning to marry this guy in a month. I couln't believe it. One week later, she dumped the guy and told me she couldn't marry him. She wanted to work things out with me. We hung out here and there for 3 weeks. Then she changed her mind again and said she felt nothing for me, and that she was in love with him. One week later she said, okay, I'm serious about working things out and wrote me a 14 page letter. She admitted making many mistakes and said she never wanted the divorce but was being influenced by a bad person. She said she loved me and wanted us to get married again. She invited me to move in with her.

So we began dating again and it went great. I was still head-over heals in love with her and had trouble controlling my sexual urges. We were intimate a couple of times in the early going. Neither of us were ready so we talked about it and slowed down. I moved in a month later and things went well. She initiated intimacy 3 weeks after I moved in. It was wonderful. That night I got a phone call from my family up north. My big sister passed away. She was only 38. I was crushed. My ex-wife travelled up north with me to be with my family. We were initimate again 2 weeks later. So, with that I thought her feelings for me were growing. At times, I would ask her how she thought we were doing. She said good, but missed her ex, and talked about him much more than she talked about me or our relationship. My insecurities grew because of that. And in looking back, I think I needed more support and affection from her since my sister had passed away but I didn't know how to tell her. So one night I couldn't sleep, and told her that I needed more affection. She said she thought she was already being really affectionate with me and was stunned by this. We were already spending the majority of our time together and doing some great things together but I overlooked all that. She began talking about her ex-boyfriend alot more after that. But I wanted to be someone she could talk to about that so I just listened. But again, my insecurities grew.

I tried to show her I loved her with what came most natural to me, affection and sex. But the more we had sex, the more distant she became from me. So one night she asked me if I was always in the mood. I said, usually. I asked her how much of a desire she had for sex...she said none. Then I asked her if she had ever had a desire to have sex with me since we've been trying to work it out....she said no. I felt sick to my stomach and asked her why she had sex with me when she wasn't ready. She said she thought it was the right thing for our relationship and that she wanted to please me. She said she only initiated things because of my need for more of her. So we agreed to take it easy for a while.

2 weeks later, she called it quits and said she didnt' think she could ever be secure enough with me to be in a relationship with me. She suggested we be roomates and sleep in seperate beds. She said we are divorced and that she doesn't have to be in this relationship. Said she only asked me to move in and work on things so she could be with the kids more. She said she felt nothing for me when we kissed. She told me she was in some pain and I said I was too. She asked me how I could compare my pain to hers. I said, a few choice words to her.....when we were married, while we were married, I would wait for her to come home until 12/1 in the morning while she was out f.....g some other guy. I really regret that comment because it really hurt her. 3 days later she asked me to move out. Said she wasn't comfortable at all around me. I knew we were both in pain and needed time apart so I found a new place without giving her any hassle.

It's been 2 months since I moved out. We don't talk about our relationship at all. Since then, it's like I've awakened from this dream and finally realize alot of things I didn't see while we worked on things. She broke all ties with her ex, physically but I don't think she did emotionally. In other words, I believe she thought about him alot. She did all the right things, moved to a different area at work, stopped contacting and emailing him, stuck close to home and spent all of her time with me. But I still greatly feared that she would decide she didn't want to work on things with me or contact him at some point. The first fear came true. And then she contacted him as soon as we were through. Now I see them walking around at work together. So I assume there together again. I don't know how he could trust her.

Anyway, I realize that the whole time her and I worked on things, I was completely paranoid and worried about every little thing. I would watch her every mood swing and if something changed with us, I would worry about that and ask her about it. I put the physical part of our relationship over everything which overshadowed all the great things and progress we were making in other areas. And eventually, this put too much pressure on her and made her very uncomfortable. I tried to do everything I could to please her and she me, but we still didn't make each other happy. I've read alot on this site since then, and have learned about Love deposits and withdrawals and I realize that she didn't have any sort of emotional attachment to me, especially towards the end and that is why she wasn't ready to be intimate with me. I wish she would have told me she wasn't ready instead of having sex with me. Now she resents me for asking her and says I knew she wasn't ready because she told me that in the beginning.

Now, I feel like a fool and realize I put way too much pressure on the physical part of the relationship. With all that had happened over the last year, we were both still in alot of pain and needed some healing. And I'm not sure moving in with her was a good idea because it didn't allow either of us any space to reflect or heal. I also realize, I didn't give her nearly enough reassurance and compliments, or tell her I loved her very often. I gave her plenty of physical compliments but not many inner-quality compliments. And after talking with my pastor, he's told me that she feared that I didn't love her anymore and was afraid I would leave the relationship. So, out of the fear of being rejected by me, she kicked me out to protect herself from being hurt further. Also, I don't think I ever really forgave her for having the affair and divorcing me because sometimes I would get upset and angry at her for talking about this other guy, but I wouldn't say anything about it to her.

Now I am in utter despair and lost. Feelings of depression, sadness, grief, aloneness, guilt, emptiness, and anger make up my emotions. In looking back, I never took the time to tell her how very much in-love I am with her, how much I respect and look up to her, how intelligent and motivated she is, what a big heart she has, and what an amazing person she is. I always knew that she had low self-esteem but I overlooked that too. I didn't have a clue that she needed reassurance on my end as well. I assumed she knew I loved her with all my heart but I think she convinced herself again, that I didn't want to be with her. Now I feel I did everything wrong and I'm blaming myself for the failure of the whole relationship.

We're divorced and I don't know if there is any hope of us getting back together because she said we tried to reconcile, it didn't work, and now she's' moved on to the guy she had an affair with. I want to send her a letter or something to tell her my feelings but i think it's too late. In her eyes, we're finished forever and I don't think she feels as guilty about being with this other guy now because she tried to do what was right and work on it with me. It wasn't working, so she called it quits, and I think feels less guilty about being with this other guy now. We didn't get marriage counceling, coaching, or anything while we worked on things. And I realize now, I really needed some guidance from my pastor or a marriage coach to help me through this. It seems as though I did everything wrong and an so upset with myself for that. It seem like she did everything right.

What she's doing is dangerous. When she's finished with me, she goes back to him. When she's finished with him, she goes back to me. By doing this, she continues to mask her present feelings of pain and guilt and later, they come back to haunt her. Part of me feels she will end up in the same boat with him again, and be calling me back. Another part of me feels it's over between us and that she's done with us.

All I can think to do right now is just give this complicated mess to God and put my trust and faith in him.

I've read Plan A and B and feel for now, I should stick with Plan B. I've thought of writing her a letter, apologizing for my mistakes, telling her I love her, and I'll be here for her if she needs me. But many have advized me against doing this and told me she may get angry at that, and not beleive anything I have to say.

In the meantime, I know I need time away from her to heal and forgive and to get myself right with God again.

I miss and love her so much and feel I blew it with the most wonderful woman in the world.

Does anyone have any suggestions for any of this?

I've read Plan A and B and feel for now, I should stick with Plan B.
By "stick to Plan B" do you mean you have been doing Plan B and you need to continue it or this is the one you feel you should choose?
Did you send a Plan B letter?
Have you done Plan A at all?

I've thought of writing her a letter, apologizing for my mistakes, telling her I love her, and I'll be here for her if she needs me. But many have advized me against doing this and told me she may get angry at that, and not beleive anything I have to say.
Should she belive you? Have you given her reason to belive you?
Or would she think it's something you are writing just because of what has happened and doing it simply to get her back?

I suggest you read "Surviving An Affair" by Dr Willard Harley.
Also, read the links below.

What I'm afraid of is that I hadn't read about Plan A, B, meeting EN, or the Love Bank until after she gave up on our reconcillation attempt. In looking back, Plan A took place when I asked her to sever all ties with her boyfriend, which she did. She stopped contacting him and told him to stop contacting her, which he eventually did.

The problem was that we didn't really have a recovery plan put in place. All we talked about was taking it slow, enjoying our time together, and to let things build naturally. Well that didn't happen. And just like Plan B states, a marital recovery agreement did not take place, and the conditions that led to the affair in the first place, returned, love was not restored, resentment only returned on both parts, and now she's back with the guy she had the affair with.

Her and I dated for 2 months and then I moved into to her home. She had no contact with her ex-boyfriend while we worked on things. 2 months after I moved in, she asked me to move out and said it was over, saying she had no feeling for me, and that she didn't think she could ever be secure enough with me to be intimate with me.

At the present, we're divorced, it's been 2 months since I've moved out, we haven't talked about "us", and she's hanging out with the guy she had an affair with again. I still am deeply in love with her and want her back. So, in looking at the material on this site, I believe my best choice is to choose plan B, which is in some ways, already happening. I have avoided all contact with her. We communicate through email about the girls, and that's it.

At this point, I don't feel a need for Plan A because she has given up on the hope that we will be back together again.

I don't know if she will believe me. I haven't tried talking to her about working on things since we've been apart. My reasons for doing it would be to let her know that I love her, let her know I going to spend time alone to heal and grow in God, and to let her know that my door is open if she wants to talk about anything in the future.

I will buy and read "Surviving an Affair". Wish I would have read this several months ago.

All input would be appreciated. Thank you.