SD:

Are you still in contact with WW's OM? Did WW write a NC letter?

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

Sorry for the original post being so confusing... let me recap.

Affair #1 Started as internet affair, with grade school "friend" of mine. They met, with me present, at high school reunion, then the EA got hot and heavy again on the internet. I found out, asked her for NC, and we went to counseling. Counselor saw us together once, told WW she needed to return. WW went for about 2 mos and was diagnosed as having low self esteem. The affair ended and life went on.

However, I notice WW never really reengaged in the marriage. About April 2002 she started looking for houses for my 23 yo son. Met a real estate agent and fell for him. I was suspicious for a long time but didn't get enough evidence to confront until Labor Day weekend 2003.

I asked her to make NC but she was really opposed, as they were just "friends". We started MC immediately and MC said no contact. WW went 2 mos without phone calls but ran into OM at a club while out with the girls. I believe she "wanted" to run into him and put herself in a position to do so. If what I have is the truth, she has run into him 3 times, twice at that bar, and once at the grocery store.

I have contacted the OM 4 times total. Once a call accusing him before DDay. The second to ask him for no contact, about 2 weeks after DDay. The third time was Dec. 18 or so, after I found out she called him when I told her that I wanted her to leave, after finding out about the "chance meetings" at the bar and grocery store.

In that call I asked him to minimize conversation when she called him, and he said he would. He also told me he had not contacted her at any time per my wishes. I can verify that, to an extent, through a phone recorder and keyboard logger. He said he'd do whatever I asked to help us restore our marriage.

We took a trip over Christmas. When we returned, WW ask to talk to me, if I'd promise I wouldn't get mad. I agreed. She said she'd called him to see "how he was", and was sorry. I told her I appreciated the honesty, but it hurt my deeply that she'd called him. At that time she said she'd never call him again, or put herself in a position to run into him.

So the 4th time I called him was after that call. I told him I hadn't asked for enough in the previous call. He said "what could he do?" I told him that my WW had strong feeling for him that had not subsided in 4 months, and each time he took a call from her our recovery went back to day one.

He basically apologized and asked what he could do to help. I asked him to please just stop taking phone calls, and if they ran into each other, just tell her in his own words, that contacting him in any way was not going to help her marriage. He agreed to do just that. In that conversation, much to my surprise, he told me he had no idea that WW had strong feelings for him, that she had never shown that to him. His and her description of the A, was that they were friends, but after some drinking some physical contact took place one time, but WW was not comfortable with that and it stopped. The EA portion of it continued for about a month before I confronted her.

If my wife never contacts him again, as she has agreed to do, she may never know that I contacted him.

If she does, and he does as I asked, the affair will "die a natural death" and I won't be the one to blame for the "unnatural" death that it "died" from after DDay.

If he does not tell her, and the A continues, I'll ultimately find out.

If he tells her I called, she will be very angry with me, and I will know it, and do what I have to do to contain and control the problem.

I felt I had more to win than to lose, which is why I did it. I have no plans to ever contact him again, unless the A is proven to have continued.

One final note. I didn't find out about MB until mid December, but didn't start reading SAA until after Jan 5. So I'm a bit behind the "Plan", but much of what I've done was within Plan A. I've told our MC in private about these twists and turns, and she didn't give me an answer, as she'd never faced this situation before.

I've been pretty well blasted for the contact so far on the posts I made for contact with the OM, but at this time, I'm inclined to believe he is not making contact, it's all iniated by my smitten WW, and, I think he's trying to distance himself from any further involvement. But I do think he'll tell her to cease with the calls and contacts, IF, indeed she does it again.

Hope this is clearer, let me know what you think???

Shattered:

Hope you didn't interpret my previous posts as "blasting" you! It certainly was not my intent to make you feel bad! I was just worried about the possibility of you doing more harm than good. By the way, I would still tell your WW that you spoke with the OM... otherwise YOU'RE perpetuating the cycle of lying in the very marriage you're trying to restore.

Definitely finish reading "Surviving An Affair" and "officially" implement Plan A right away. Also, what is the possibility of getting your WW to read that book? I, as a FWS myself, found it very insightful. Maybe, if your wife is receptive to spending quality time with you, you two can set aside time to read it together & answer the questionnaires? (If your WW has expressed her commitment to reconnect with you, it shouldn't be a LoveBuster.) Order some take-out and share a bottle of wine, snuggle up on the floor or sofa instead of sitting in separate chairs at the dinner table - make it more like a "date" than "homework."

You handled your WW's post-Christmas "confession" admirably. Awesome! Make sure she knows she CAN continue to talk to you about what she's feeling without you flying off the handle.

Have you discussed YOUR contributions to the faltering state of your marriage? That is, have you expressed to WW your understanding that you were not meeting her EN's and explained that YOU want to be the person to satisfy those needs instead of the OM? (Great lead-in to introduce to her the EN questionnaire...)

*I* will probably get blasted by other posters for some of the things I'm saying here, but I do believe that it takes TWO to maintain a marriage. It is certainly not your fault that your WW became involved with another man, but it might never have happened if she (felt she) was getting her EN's met from you in the first place. If you agree with that logic on any level, I'd express that understanding to your WW and tell her how much you want to work WITH her on rebuilding your marriage. In all practicality, if she is missing the OM, trying hard not to contact him and also trying to make amends with you, there is a real danger that she may end up feeling like it's just "too much work." Make sure she knows that you are on her team and that you want to help her. Don't put yourself in a position to be taken advantage of or "dumped on," but DO be supportive. That make any sense?

I've got a few interesting articles I'd like to email you, but I don't know how to do it through MB. Maybe you have to be a regular Member (instead of "Junior Members" like us) to be able to do that. Anyway, let me know if you're interested and we can figure it out from there.

You're on my prayer list!

Thanks for the reply, and the prayers.

WW and I are currently reading SAA together, outloud, taking turns on chapters. Plan A has been in effect since I learned of the MB site and read about Plan A online.

I am, however, reluctant to confess to the WW about the contact with the OM, as it will be a HUGE LB.

Contrary to Plan A, the A has not been told beyond my three sons and two of my brothers. The OM knows a lot of what I know from my WW. He also knows that I could probably cost him his job at the real estate company, and I do have that trump card, should I find he HAS had continued contact w/WW.

I have a copy of His Needs/Her Needs waiting to read when we finish SAA. Things are looking better now than they have for the past 4 months, and WW is starting to reengage in our relationship. The hills in the roller coaster are becoming less dramatic, and WW is in IC to deal with the Low Self Esteem.

Thanks again for the reply and prayers. I hope you are doing well in your recovery.

Shattered Dreams

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shattered dreams:
<strong> I am, however, reluctant to confess to the WW about the contact with the OM, as it will be a HUGE LB. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Shattered:

LYING (or "omitting") is a worse LB, and puts you "in the game" with WW! I disagree with your decision to not tell your WW about your contact with the OM; it validates that same behavior in your WW - past, present and future. I won't harp on the issue, but I do hope you'll reconsider.

Best of luck to you both!