Happy New Year Everyone!<P>H called yesterday morning and asked if he could come over for a visit (not his normal visitation day). I said, Sure, come on over. He didn't show up until 2 1/2 hrs later ( I was a little miffed).<BR>Anyway, he got there, and had come desert I just made. He played w/ D for a little while. He sat on the couch and said, I cant' stay long. I just came over to say hi to you and D and give you both a NY hug.<BR>I walked him to the door. He hugged D and said I love you, D. He turned to me and gave me a giant squeeze. I said HNY. Have fun tonight and be safe. HE left.<P>He called this morning at 11:00 and said he wouldnt' be able to be here at noon, like scheduled. I said, no problem. He asked how last night was for me. Fine, no big deal. I said , And yours? He got really silent and said, I am so depressed. Had a terrible night and didn't get any sleep. I asked him if I could do anything for him and he said, No, I don't think so.<P>I asked him if he would like to come over for lunch about 2:00. He said that would be nice. I told him to take a hot shower and rest for a bit and come when he was ready.<P>He showed up about 1:45, very depressed. I asked if I could get him a drink, and he couldn't even might up his mind about that! I said, You let me know when/if you want something, ok? He smiled.<P>He ate dinner and he said again how depressed he was. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it. He said, I just feel like a gigantic loser. Nothing is working. I have nothing. I told him that he was not a loser and that there was plenty of things he was good at. He said, Well, what are there? <P>So, this is where I blow it, because I COULDN'T come up with anything! CRAP! He finished eating, and said he was taking D to the park. We got her coat on the they left.<P>I blew it folks. I had the PERFECT opportunity here, and I BLEW IT! I feel so bad. He needed me today, and I wasn't there like he needed.<P>He brought D back from the park and immediately left. He hugged her and I asked if he was ok. He said that he had a stomach ache, and that everything he eats lately, comes back up. He said that he was having problems w/ his job, his personal life sucks and was just depressed. Said he had no energy. I rubbed his back a little as he left and told him to get some rest.<P>HOW DO I HELP HIM????? I really feel like something is happening here, but I have no direction. I don't know what to do or say. Help please??????<P>God Bless,<P>Cheryl

ceecee,<P>I know how your H is feeling, even though i dont know your curent situation. In my experience, i felt like such a total failure in so many ways that i could barely cope. I didnt want to admit what i had done, didnt want to admit i had become the kind of person that let my actions hurt others, but i knew it all along. I thought about it constanly and i got really raw inside. <P>However, you didnt blow it. You cant tell him things you dont feel, and even though you love him and support him, dont make him a promise you dont know you can keep. As a betrayer, i have to deal daily with my guilt and my pain, as well as being the one easing the pain of my W. Just give what you can, and progress for the both of you is the only outcome.<P>kenn<P><P>------------------<BR>I used to be good,<BR>I used to be charming,<BR>I used to be Mighty..<P>Oh How the Mighty Hath Fallen.....<P>

Hey, ceecee,<P>I don't think you blew it at all. Remember what Steve Harley told me...we can't educate our spouses. He has to figure this out all by himself. All he has to figure out is how to get out of this big mess he created. You could tell him that...but he wouldn't listen...none of them do. <P>Just keep being nice and sympathetic...really that is what he wanted more than "answers". He is in a depression and can seek to get rid of it: go to the doc and get meds, take positive steps to straigthen his life out, etc. None of these things can be done by you...only him.<P>Pulling for you guys!!!!<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

U2BM-<P>Thanks for your words. I really feel like I let a perfect opportunity go bad. <P>He has been gone since July- filed for divorce in Sept. I know he feels guilty and doesn't want anyone to know.<P>I just want him to know that I DO LOVE HIM- NO MATTER WHAT! I have forgiven him. I have forgiven myself. Now, he need to do the forgiveing.<P>I'm still holding on.<P>Thanks,<P>Cheryl

RMA-<P>Thank you for reminding me of that. I don't know if I did good today or not. I just keep remembering that your last act is the one they seem to remember. I hope it's not today!!<P>I just read your post. YUCK. I'm so sorry.<P>I'm pulling for you guys too! This year WILL be better.<P>Cheryl

Brief update:<P>H just called. Wanted to know how I was. I said fine. I asked him if he got any sleep. No. I told him that I thought he should go to the drug store and get something to help him sleep. He told me again how depressed he was. I asked if I could help him. He didn't respond.<P>Then he said, " You seem so happy. I haven't seen you like this in YEARS. You look the best you ever have and you are happy. I'm glad for you. How did you do it?"<P>I told him that I had done alot of soul searching and that I have come to realize that happiness comes from w/in yourself. That outside presense only ENHANCE your happiness, not create it.<P>He asked what D and I were doing tomorrow. Told him we were going to church in the morning and that he should call in the afternoon. We'd be available then.<P>Then, he thanked me for the turtle dove AGAIN. I told him he was very welcome and that I meant what I wrote (That no matter what your life brings you, whatever road you take, you will always have a friend in D and me). He said it was one of the kindest things anyone had ever given him.<P>He thanked me for inviting him over today and for seeing D. He said that she is the one thing that ALWAYS makes him glad. I said that she is truly a blessing, and he is welcome to see her everyday, if he wants to.<P>I told him to drink some chamomile tea and take a hot shower. I asked if he still mediated and he said sometimes. I said, Try and relax and get some sleep. We'll talk tomorrow.<P>So, what do you think about THAT??<P>God Bless,<P>Cheryl<p>[This message has been edited by ceecee (edited January 01, 2000).]

Hey Cheryl,<P>How about giving him a call back...and...<BR>ask him to meet you at Chruch... or better yet go together... <P>A little Christ goes a long way... <P>Jim

Jim,<P>I would LOVE nothing more than for him to go to church w/ us. H is very anti-chruch, anti-God right now. I don't want to seems like I am pressuring him.<P>God will let me know when the time right.<P>Thanks for your thoughts. I have been wondering about you. How are things going? I emailed you a couple of days ago.<P>Praying hard for you!!<P>Lots of hugs,<P>Cheryl

Hi Ceecee,<P>Desiree is right. Only your H can address his depression, and unhappiness. All you can do is ask him if you can help him in any way. Which is exactly what you are doing. Good job! As far as him fishing for you to tell him the things he is good at. I'm sure that one caught you by surprise, & that's why you were speechless. Maybe you could sit down and think about all those things, then write them down. Perhaps a Happy New Year card with those things written in the card would help cheer him up. Just a thought. Hang in there. Thoughts & prayers are with you.

Ceecee,<BR>It sounds like to me that you did really good. It is so very hard to see the ones we love in pain like that but there really isn't anything you can do, other than what you did.<P>You asked him if there was anything you could do? You tried to comfort him some but yet not to much. And you offered him a SAFE place to come for awhile, and made it safe while he was there.<P>I'd say that you did a terrific job. The problem isn't that you blew it or you didn't do enough... the problem is that YOU can't fix it and you would have liked to because you love him.<P>Don't be hard on yourself, you did just fine. You did everything that you should have and you did not LB.<P>Our spouses go through times like these and it often seems just as hard for us as it does them, just in a different way. There will more than likely be more times like this one, just keep doing the best you can and if this was any indication of your best... and you can keep this up... you will be just fine and so will he.<P>Genie

Hi Sidney,<P>It's good to hear from you.<P>Great idea to write out things he is good at. It really did take me by surprise. I just gave him a blank stare.<P>I know that these are his issues and only he can deal with them. I just hope he realizes soon, that I'm there for him.<P>I am hoping that these are good signs and that, God willing, we can begin again.<P>Cheryl

Genie,<P>Thanks for the thumbs up. I am hoping that I can continue as I have. I am not LBing, I am trying to make him comfortable. I don't ask about OW (1,2 or how ever many there are). I don't have any demands of his time. I am trying to sit back, and take it as it comes.<P>God will see me through this, that I know. I now believe, if I didn't before, in the Power of Prayer.<P>God Bless,<P>Cheryl

ceecee,<P>Two more quick thoughts here. Youcould next time you talk to him remind him what a great Dad he is...sure sounds like he and D are really close and that they havce a good relationship. Not every man who is a father is a good Dad.<P>Second thought is next time he tells you he is depressed, you can invite him over to spend time with you guys to "cheer" him up. The more he starts to think of you and your D as people to make him feel better...the quicker he will actually begin to feel better and want to come home.<P>Just somethings to think about. <P>Desiree <P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

RMA-<P>Oh, those are great ideas! I will try them.<BR>How's that hangover? Are you feeling any better? <P>Hang on, honey! It will all be ok.<P>Cheryl<P>

Hi Ceecee, you didn't blow it. During our last separation I told my H I love him. He said why? I did just like you and blanked out. I think we get so caught up in the process and NOT lovebusting we short-circiut . Any way I finally said because he's my soulmate (DOH!). He said, Oh and left. It didn't stop another reconciliation.<P>My H is also depressed, has been for 2 years, even before the affair. But some of that depression is re-evaluating one's life--and that's okay for your H to feel like he isn't doing so good. He isn't. But it isn't your job to pile it on, and do keep a couple good things about him in mind for next time.<P>Best wishes,<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

Cheryl, just posted a prayer for you.....<P>I am glad you believe in the power of prayer, I sure do!!!!<P>All I can say, is there are going to be some changes in your husband, and God is preparing you to be the wife he needs.... <P>YES!!!<P>You have grown so much since coming to the forum! I can hardly believe it.<P>Hugs to you. and THUMBS UP!!!

Cheryl, just posted a prayer for you.....<P>I am glad you believe in the power of prayer, I sure do!!!!<P>All I can say, is there are going to be some changes in your husband, and God is preparing you to be the wife he needs.... <P>YES!!!<P>You have grown so much since coming to the forum! I can hardly believe it.<P>Hugs to you. and THUMBS UP!!!

Lor-<P>Glad to know that I'm not the only one that has "brain farts" <P>My H was depressed before the affair started too. He has been fighting depression since his dad died (which btw is what ended marriage #1)<P>Thanks for you words of support. How are you doing?<P>TnT-<P>You made me cry. It is so nice to know that yor see some changes in me, too. And the prayer-- it is beautiful.<P>I hope you are right, that God is molding me to be the kind of wife he needs.<P>I keep praying.<P>Thank you for all you do for me. You are a special friend.<P>God Bless,<P>Cheryl