Dear All
Remember me,the one who posted on TO TELL OWH OR NOT? Well,on 17/1 I made a cont to my earlier posting abt 2-3 months ago but so far have not rec response. PLS ADVISE.
I told OWH on 15/1.Meeting went on fine.Came home and before I cld tell H, OW phoned my hse and told my H that I had told her H and whether my H wld like to clarify with her H. My H went into a rage and packed his clothes, sais he'll never forgive me and left. Next morning came back, packed somemore..told children that he's going on hol for a few days and left. So far only spoke to children, very sarcastic with me, say hurtful things.He said I was driven by revenge.Its not like that at all. He is coming back tomorrow..I don't know what he will do or how shd I react.He said I did not consider consequences of my actions..1 OWH (very rich) might put a contract on his head 2 OWH cannot stop her from calling him and don't know what OW might do now 3 He can do as he please now..he doesn't know what he will do now.
He has gone to stay with his friend who has a mistress and I am afraid this friend might introduce him to someone and in his state of mind he might sleep with her..My mind is in turmoil.He said it was over but I know in my heart that he did not totally end contact..he kept communication lines open. What shall I do ? Shall I confront OW if she calls my H or tell OWH if his wife still calls my H. My H said he has stopped calling her for past 3 months and now bcoz of this she has started to call him. What is your advise pls.Want2shine gave some pretty good advise but wld like to hear from you all as well.I made mistake...I shd have told OWH as soon as A was found out 1 year ago..instead I had tried to make H happy and improve on myself and relationship.No wonder he did not pay much notice to me despite my efforts since he was still in deep fog and maintaining contact with her.Found website only much later. Looks like now got to start again.Really hell. I don't know if I can endure. Must be strong for children sake.

You did the right thing. Of course he was mad, his little secret fantasy is coming to an end. My H and OW were mad that I told her H. They said how could I do that when he just got back from Iraq? How could I do what? They are the culprits.

Played_Out,

Hang in there. It is normal behavior. You have to ride this one out.

I would not let him back home ... until he is ready to fix M and work out on it. Unless you have a very good reason to take him, such as you have not finish your plan A ... and please post here in detail ... I would even write plan B letter and let him think some more.

-rh-

Redhat
I cannot stop him from coming back bcoz it is not as though he is leaving me and staying somewhere else..looks like he has gone off to strategise what to do next bcoz he is doesn't know what OWH might do to him or to OW.If he had packed his bags and left for good then it is different matter. I don't know if i should wait for him to make next move when he comes back afterwards or ask him what next.He might just carry on like before...do as he pleases...no need to account for anything this time. The last time when we were in Plan A or so I thought before I told OWH, everything seems ok except for the fact that he appeared to have kept communication lines open with her.He did tell me that now anything can happen and he too does not know what to expect from the 2 parties.Shd I confront OW if I know she is still harrasing him and inform OWH. Don't know what to do. Don't want to mess up life. Pls continue to advise. Need all the support. He does not want to listen or talk abt it..will get very angry and loose temper if i bring matter up.

The last time when we were in Plan A
Plan A & Plan B are not "group" efforts.
The bs does them. The ws does not participate, agree or even have to know what they are or that you are doing them.

Need Urgent Advise-Have Told OWH and now in Trouble
No, you are not in trouble. He might be mad but that is not the same as you being in trouble.

Shd I confront OW if I know she is still harrasing him and inform OWH.\No, you should NOT confront ow in any way. Steer very clear of her.

Chris
What do you mean stay very clear of OW? Do you mean I shd allow them to continue to comm with each other and do nothing abt it? Doesn't OWH need to know that his W is still comm with my H despite him knowing? I read somewhere (Zorweb if not mistaken) that OW should be confronted, now you are telling me no. God, pls help me I am confused. Where I am it is not easy to get Marriage Councellors, most of them are psychiatrists and I don't want a psychiatrist.My doctor friend is asking me to put up with it for awhile, do not set conditions, cannot stop them from communicating. But this OW is wrecking my marriage.My H will never get over her if they continue to comm.I just cannot take it if they cont to communicate. Bye

Played,

I can feel your frustration, hurt, and desperation. I agree. You must stop contact with the OW. You have told the OWH and what he chooses to do with this information and if he chooses to investigate his wife's behavior, then that is HIS choice. You can only work on yourself at this point. What your H chooses to do is in God's hands now. Have you read the book, The Power of a Praying Wife? Wonderful prayers in there. Have you heard of the prayer of the hedge of thorns? Praying this prayer helped my H and OW's R come to an end quickly. The best thing you can do right now for YOURSELF is to go into your prayer closet and allow God to heal you, comfort you, give you peace. If you cry out to Him first, He will start to heal this brokenness you feel.

All of us over in the Prayer Request forum pray for each other, each other's marriages, each other's spouses, and lift each other up. Please join us. You sound so full of desperation and sorrow. I too felt that way before I found this board and the Prayer Warriors on MB. They have helped tremendously. Please visit us. Would you like me to put your name on the prayer list?

I wish I had great words of wisdom for you but I am relatively new to this site myself and am still learning. My prayers are with you.

Played_Out,

What purpose does it accomplish by confronting OW ?. Nada and you might get slam w/ R.O.

You don't need to take WH back. You could put his stuff in the lawn and stick plan B letter on top of it.

Please read some more about Plan A ... you misunderstood the purpose. It is for you to address the issues that you brought into your M. To show to WS that you could change ... nothing else. You negotiate to end the A by addressing the issues that lead to it.

-rh-

Dear Redhat
How am I going to address issues when I do not know what caused the affair? H does not want to tell or even provide any details..he says don't know.I am frustrated. Gotta go now , shall post agin later.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Played_Out:
<strong> Dear Redhat
How am I going to address issues when I do not know what caused the affair? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Look at what are his complaint about you before d-day nd does he have the same complaint now ?. Those are the clues ...

Also print out LBQ ... fill one as if he fill it out for you. Guess the best you can. You are live with the guy for several years you should be able to guess. He is your H.

Now, there might be nothing to fix at all but I doubt it unless he has a unresolve emotion baggage.

-rh-

Hi Played Out,

The first thing to do is focus on remaining calm. NOTHING is going to happen overnight (ie. reconciliation and recovery) so you need to learn to calm down whenever you get emotional. Emotions will NOT help your situation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Where I am it is not easy to get Marriage Councellors, most of them are psychiatrists and I don't want a psychiatrist. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can you afford to do counselling with the Harleys? or marriage coaching with Cerri? I've heard very good things from people in crisis situations, about how helpful they found these folks, helping them to maintain focus, set up a plan to suit their specific circumstances, deal with your particular issue (ie. anger from WH upon exposure).

As Redhat says, lots of WH get angry...it is normal. But since you are clearly having trouble dealing with things right now, get professional help unless you truly cannot afford to do so. As many have said, compare the price to that of D...it's cheap by comparison.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My doctor friend is asking me to put up with it for awhile, do not set conditions, cannot stop them from communicating. But this OW is wrecking my marriage.My H will never get over her if they continue to comm.I just cannot take it if they cont to communicate. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will be blunt: do you want them to stop communicating? Or do you want to save your marriage?

Which one???

They are not really the same thing even though it feels that way to you. If you continue along your current path, you may well stop your WH from communicating with OW and still lose your marriage!!!

Look: I remember perfectly well how it felt. You are DESPERATE for the A to end, the communication, the empathy, the intimacy between YOUR H and another W.

Step back for a moment and consider the bigger picture...if they stop communicating but you lose your H will you have won? Are you really in competition with her? Or do you want to have a loving M with your H?

Others have been where you are now and gotten through it. But if you keep on following the path your emotions are leading you down, it doesn't bode well.

Best of luck to you...awed

What do you mean stay very clear of OW?
I mean you do not have to have anything to so with her.

Do you mean I shd allow them to continue to comm with each other and do nothing abt it?
It’s not a matter of allowing/not allowing anything? Not much you can do about it. Are you “allowing” it now, because it is happening?

Doesn't OWH need to know that his W is still comm with my H despite him knowing?
But the owh is not the ow.

I read somewhere (Zorweb if not mistaken) that OW should be confronted, now you are telling me no.
Correct, no confrontations.

Where I am it is not easy to get Marriage Councellors
Call Marriage Builders (see below).

But this OW is wrecking my marriage.My H will never get over her if they continue to comm.
It is a 2-way street. He is just as responsible for their relationship/contact as she is.

Red Hat
I had misunderstood purpose of Plan A.His complaints are unfounded and so far he doensn't have same complaint.
I think we are not connectedand have comm problems but he does not want to consciously put any effort to try to tackle issue, does not even want to discuss it, always says it is in my mind.
But its proven NO otherwise how come he has this A.Maybe its me...unable to comm effectively, willing to improve but I think he also have same problem.Always in constant denial while having his A..now still in denial.He thinks things shd settle by itself.Ridiculous!Whenever I bring upo any relationship problem, he will be defensive and we'll end up arguing.I seem to bring out the worst in him whereas OW seems to do otherwise.I still think i did the right thing in telling OWH.
Need some advise.If I still find them comm perhaps this time planning a denial..should i ignore it or tell OWH.So far OWH has not contacted me so I do not know if he had spoken to my H (who cld have denied the whole A).As far as i know OWH has asked my H to deny A so I don't know what is happening now...waiting for thingsto unfold.Only my H wld know if he and OW are still comm.

Standing_for_M
I am not a Christian so how can I join in Prayer Request? If I can why not? No, I have not heard about Prayer of the Hedge of Thorns. Where can I get it? I shall try to find the book- Power of A Praying Wife from Amazon.com. Actually I am a praying person and have been praying a lot for God to give me strength to ride through this problem, to bless what i had done in telling OWH and to protect my family.Thx for your concern and well meaning advise. Appreciate it.

Awed18
I have not explored MC with MB or other or cerri.H not agrreable to MC so what's the point.
You put it quite correctly-I do want them to stop comm and I do want to save marriage too becoz I felt that if the cont to comm, M will never be restored. Am I wrong? So what do you suggest? How to accept comm between the two and stll have loving M with H. It will never happen.One has to go right?More confused.

Played_Out,


Sorry ... you have to put his stuff on the front lawn and put plan B letter on top of it. You can't be serious thinking that there is room for OW in your M.

Why you have to jump into plan B ? ... OW is not ready to take your H ... she is still M. You did the right thing informing OWH. Now you have the next step ... you absolutly should not take his A crap. Send him away ... tell him you love him but you can't take this and until he is ready to work on M ... there is no M right now.

-rh-

<small>[ January 30, 2004, 01:21 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Redhat
Thx for reply.In my earlier posting I said OWH is asking my H to deny but actually it shd be OW who had asked my H to deny, sorry typo error.
I think I did right to tell OWH but I cld not bring myself to tell H to leave.Have told my H that I am thinking of separating if he makes my life unbearable my punishing me while waiting for things to unfold.I was really mad at him for suggesting that OW wld not hurt him (so I told him now it looks like I am the bad wife by telling OWH and trying to hurt him..he is really scared that OWH might put a contract on him or divorce OW...this is very real in my part of the world)and that was the first time I lost my cool and shouted at him.I didn't think that wld bring abt a positive result but soon afterwards he comforted me. Maybe he had realised what he is doing to me...this H of mine has never apologised to me for anything...and so far we have made out but mistake was no conditions was set for make-up but i did tell him that I don't know what I will do if he maintains contact. Obviously he will not tell but I shall continue snooping..God I hate myself for doing it but it can't be helped. Since he found out that I showed OWH tel bills and hotel receipts now he has changed billing address (I think) bcoz so far no billing.So what can I deduce from that but that they are still comm...if I asked him he will say I have a suspicious little mind. I am suppose to take his word that its all over between them. Tell me, if they still comm now maybe on diff purpose...say trying to find out current situation with regards to how OWH is reacting or strategise on next step...but not on emotional or physical level does this mean that A is still going on and shd I inform OWH or confront my H and go to plan B (God forbid) or is there a modified Plan B where we cld be together but yet separated maybe like a marriage of convenience where we will be civil towards each other but lead separate lives until I can be sure he wants to work on marraige.Gotta go, pls reply..H is around don't want to get him suspicious

Played_Out,

There is no such thing as modify plan B. You take him you should be in plan A.

-rh-