Just a short history,
Married 25 yrs,, this is H second affair. Really have not lived together much in the last 5 years in the name of "work" He works out of town. He met the OW in Sept/03, within 3 days he was living with her. He has no interest in making the marriage work, he wants out, wants a divorce. He has said he found someone better, his soulmate and he should have left me years ago. But up until he met this OW, he made out like he was interested in the marriage and I thought things were working out for us. (how stupid of me to think that when you dont even live together much) I have always wanted my marriage to work. SOOOO my question is. I do not see any point or how I could even do Plan A. We have no contact with each other unless absolutely necessary and its usually me that calls him. So do I go right into Plan B. There are some day when I am not even sure I loved him. We got married because I was pregnant at 18. I do want my marriage to work though. I know we are supposed to write a letter to him. I am not even sure what to write. So PLEASE I need some advice. What do I do? Plan A or B????? Even if this relationship of his doesnt work out, I dont think he will come back to me. I think he has wanted out of this marriage for a long time but was to chicken to do it, till he found someone else.

Cheryl

My goodness, Cheryl. This sounds almost mirror image of what my H and I are going through. When my H left in October, I hardly had any contact with him. He would diss the children to spend time with OW. He was very nasty to me like I did something wrong and stated that he had wanted out for quite some time, that he wasn't in love with me any more, and that the OW gave him an "incentive" to leave. Since that day on 10/5/03, I have been reading scripture, meditating with God, gathering with other Christians, especially with the Prayer Warriors over in the Prayer Request forum and praying, a lot of praying.

When I would have contact with him about the kids, I would continue to be loving, friendly, wouldn't let him see me in anguish. I smiled a lot, nodded my head, agreed with him, told him I understood, that type of thing. As scripture tells us, Agree with your adversary quickly. So I did just that. I prayed a hedge of thorns around my H so his paths would be crooked and blocked, so that the OW would lose interest & leave him, that no OW would become interested & it has worked so far. Within about a month, the OW started to fade away. She now has lost interest in him and he in her.

He has more contact with all of us. He sees the kids regularly and says he enjoys spending time with me and the kids for a few hours. He still tells me that he's not in love with me, doesn't know if he wants to "get those feelings back", but I know that God is working on him. He is working on the situation.

I would recommend that you continue to show him love, friendliness, and work on you in the meantime. When you do have contact with him, be pleasant. Read up on ENs and try to fill those when you do have contact with him. Do not initiate contact, let him call you. In the meantime, work on YOU. Pray for God to show you what your sins have been, and ask for forgiveness for those sins. God will work on changing you first and then proceed to your husband's heart. Pray that his heart of stone be turned into a heart of flesh and please, please read The Power of a Praying Wife. These prayers WILL affect your H w/o him even realizing it. During this time of prayer & getting closer to God, you could Plan A by when you have contact with him, trying to fill those ENs. This will be a long road you will have to travel, but Christ never said it would be easy. He said it would be worth it.

I will be praying for you.

Hi Yvette

Thanks for answering me back. I am trying to get closer to God thru all of this. I have been a Christian most of my life, but unfortunately I never let God lead my life, but now I am trying to do that. My husband lives 12 hours away with the OW so I do not see him at all. My H is a Christian as well, so it amazes me that he let himself get into this mess. I am also praying for him and praying that God will give me a forgiving spirit. Some days I am not sure if I should stand for this marriage or just move on.

Cheryl

Hi Everyone, I have another question to add to my original post.
I was reading on here somewhere that when you are in plan A to contact the OW and let them know that you love your husband and that she is destroying the chance to make my marriage work. First of all do I do this??? Second of all is there any point to do doing this if your H has made it clear to you that he does not want to work on your marriage and he is living with the OW. My husband thinks I never loved him.

Cheryl

Could an experienced Plan A & Ber please answer my last question here.

Thanks so much

Hi Cheryl,

Hopefully redhat will pop in here to answer your question...he has lots of good advice for people as an experienced MBer. I think he does recommend contacting OP but I can't say for sure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> It may depend on the situation.

My own feeling is that it is often a waste of time. I did read of one case where the BS had a wonderful discussion and the OW left the scene. WOW!

Most cases, the OP is already perfectly well aware that this is a MM (MW) and their actions are imperiling a M. In your case, your WH is living with her? She knows...

So then, you are telling your opponent that you are in opposition...what outcome are you expecting this will bring?

Do you think it will demonstrate to your H that you love him? (That would be a good reason to do it...)

Have you told him that you love him and are doing everything you can to save your M? (If not, you should make at least one declaration...)

Best of luck...awed

Cherylpa,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
<strong>My husband thinks I never loved him.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">THIS IS YOUR PLAN A ACTIONS ... what behavior show loving to WH ?. Probably even demanding that he has to stay back home ... probably let him loose ... whatever it is you know your WH and think about it.

Standard thing ... you have to put pressure on A ... open A in the day light. Call family and relative ... if OW is M .. call OWH. Tell them you need support to slavage your M and you still love WH and beleive in this M.

If you could hold your emotions and you know your WH is lying to OW ... talk to her !. Not to confront her but ..
1. Tell her that she is damaging your M so that every time she sleeps w/ your H ... she will remember who she is f@cking.
2. You will answer all her Q if she has doubt on what WH has told her ...

You know that OM told my W that they are separated ... the thruth was he wanted to live w/ his mom and stray around. He was going back once in a while to make love to his wife.

DO NOT TAKE YOUR WH WORDS IF YOU WANT TO SAFE YOUR M ... I would not trust someone words in drugs ... A is addictive.

-rh-

Hi,

I am new to this forum, I have been in the emotional needs forum for a couple of weeks. Got H to admit to EA, I suspect PA. How do I put into words that he need to totally stop contact with OW when of course it is a work situation and I read that "even if he has to change jobs". My outlook is if I TRIED to demand trying to find another job, that is just asking for him to carry resentment. It has taken 4 years of continuous schooling and training to arrive at the position. Now, that is something I can't even contemplate.

Do you suggest that I email him the letter from "Escaping the jaws of infidelity, how to avoid an affair?" Or do you think this would put him in the defense?
Thanks

REDHAT-- thanks for replying,, just need a few more answers to your reply to me.

The OW is not married and has been married 3 times before. My H has told his whole family, and seems almost proud of it. He wants everyone in his family to meet this OW. One of his sisters invited him over and he said well I come as a package now, and his sister said I want nothing to do with her, so my H never went and visited his siter. He wants my daughter and son to meet her and he tells my daughter that if you want nothing to do with his OW then he doesnt have a whole lot of time for my daughter. My husband daughter used to be close. I asked my H what he told the OW and he said that I never loved you and should have left you long time ago. My husband has always been a liar so who knows what he actually told her. I probably in the past have not shown that I loved him, and when he told me he was leaving me for the OW, I never begged him to stay. I knew it wouldnt do any good. He said he had went down a road that he cannot turn back on. He knows what he is doing is wrong but he doesnt give a dam. I really do not have any contact with him as he lives 12 hours away with her, so I am not sure what to do. I dont know if contacting the OW would do any good and it would probably piss off my H. Redhat I am not sure if you read my original post on here or not to give you a little background on the situation. Sometimes I look at the situation and think he never really was in this marriage and I dont know if he will ever come back. He is happy having no contact with me. I dont know whether to give up hope on this or what.
Any advice would be great.

Cheryl