I have also posted this in Emotional Needs, but think it is better here.


This Saturday will mark the 6-month anniversary of me moving out of the house. This on top of 9.5 months sleeping on the couch before moving out, and about 2 years previous where WS and I slowly drifted apart.

Through the past 6 months, I have willingly and gladly spent over $13,000 in after-tax income ensuring my wife's and childrens' needs have been looked after, including paying the full mortgage, every bill except cablevision and my wife's cell phone, food, fuel, insurance, 50 percent of auto repairs, feeding, housing and entertaining my children on weekends, paying gas for a loaner car, as well as my own living expenses.

Furthermore, I would have gladly paid even more if my wife had decided to stick with the counselling, which I continue to do.

The fact is that, if it were not for the goodwill and generosity of my family, I don't know what sort of environment I would be living in right now. I guess I could sleep in my car if I had one.

I do not want applause, I do not want "way to go, you have done more than enough", I do not want any recognition. I just want my marriage back. I miss the person my WS used to be. I miss tucking my children in at night. I miss helping them with their homework. I miss having a chance to meet my wife's ENs (not to mention dreaming that someday she will want to meet mine again), I miss experiencing good times together and sharing our hopes and dreams, and I miss the whole reality of family and what we really could be together if she would only wake up and realize it.

This morning, WS and I renewed our mortgage. This was not an altruistic move on my part. In fact it was kind of selfish because we MUST re-finance in order to replace our entire roof and to remove mold that has accumulated over the years in our attic. I am concerned about health issues with mold, and my son has asthma.

We also need to replace the roof to add enough value to our home so I/we can sell it in the spring. I haven't told my wife yet, but I'm sick of living like this. I'm sick of her having the vehicle - even on weekends when I have the children. I'm sick of depriving myself of even some basics so she can continue to sit home as a homemaker without me around. She always wanted to have children and be a full-time mother. Though we struggled financially, we thought it important enough to make it happen.

Well, the gravy train is pulling into the station and my wife has to get off! I just need to grow some new balls and get the courage to tell her
we will be selling the house in March. I told her last weekend that I need to have the van on weekends, and did stop enabling her destructive behaviour on Halloween night.

For the entire last 9.5 months at home, I practiced Plan A. Though she was not having an EA/PA then and might not be having one now (despite the nightclub lifestyle and the contraceptives), I did Plan A because of her withdrawal from the marriage and her total lack of commitment.

By not moving out of the house in the fall of 2002, WS became entrenched in her position and became harder to live with. Her heart completely hardened toward me until July when, for my own sanity, well-being and to salvage what little love I had left for her, I moved out.

Guess I am now moving to a modified Plan B, except there will be some minimal contact because of the kids. What I mean by this is I need to now start living for the children and for me. Guess she will need to find a full-time job. Don't know how I will say it, but I will for the FINAL time tell her selling the house is the last thing I want to do, but I am out of options.

I will tell her that if I could have anything it would be to have a completely new marriage with her, but that I know I can't make her love me when she doesn't, I can't make her commit to the marriage when she is fearful, and I can't make her feel hope when she doesn't.

People keep telling me that she will never change her attitude or position while she has what she wants - her husband out of house, her bills paid, and the freedom to live like a single.

This might be true, because acting like Daddy Warbucks never did me or the marriage any good over the past 17 months.

Sigh...

Time to close out the meal ticket. My WH's OW has been able to stay home and take care of 12 year old daughter, while her H works 3 jobs. All she did was complain to my H that he is gone all of the time.

Tell your wife that enough is enough - time for her to get a job. Sounds like she has too much time on her hands.

By the way my H has been out of the house for 9 months and has not paid a dime to me. By not filing for divorce I have enabled him to be able to spend all his money on OW.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong>
By the way my H has been out of the house for 9 months and has not paid a dime to me. By not filing for divorce I have enabled him to be able to spend all his money on OW. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi believer:

I'm sorry you have had to endure 9 months without support. What are you planning to do? Can you manage for the foreseeable future without your husband giving you $$? Are you working on some plan to salvage the marriage, or is it basically up to him to get out of his fog?

Luckily I have a good job and am doing fine. I am a little irritated that OW's H is still supporting her, plus my H is wining and dining her. I am in Plan B, but time is running out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> Luckily I have a good job and am doing fine. I am a little irritated that OW's H is still supporting her, plus my H is wining and dining her. I am in Plan B, but time is running out. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you have children? I would have started a full Plan B months ago if I didn't. We have 4 children.

Shaken - Our kids - all 6 of them are out of the house. Ow has a 12 year old daughter. She tells my H that her daughter is the most important thing in the world to her. However, she has left daughter with her H to move in with my H.

Hi shaken,

I wonder if there is a better way to solve the problem for your situation.Yours sounds a lot like mine but the difference is that my H is the WS and he moved out or is living in another state right now and I am a "stay at home mom" with two children.

My WH has agreed to keep paying for all our expenses here at home and he makes due with what is left over but we are also saving money.Our first and most important priority are the girls and so we decided that it is important for them to have a parent around all the time(no daycare), to stay in the same house,stay at the same school and keep their same friends while we go through this nightmare.We both feel that they need stability and to uproot them now would just be more traumatic for them.

I don't know what the ages are of your kids or if you would actually consider moving far away but maybe your WW should have been the one to move out and be on her own,suffering the "consequences" of having an A and seeing just how it would be living alone or with OM if you get D.Your WW could get a job couldn't she and be out on her own(you back in the house) if push comes to shove? It's all about the kids and making them as comfortable as possible I think so I guess in my situation,I have it as best as I could unless my WH were a complete a** and tried to make us move to a dinky apartment and lower the standard of living we are accustomed to.

Just a thought.

O

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Octobergirl:
<strong> Hi shaken,

I don't know what the ages are of your kids or if you would actually consider moving far away but maybe your WW should have been the one to move out and be on her own,suffering the "consequences" of having an A and seeing just how it would be living alone or with OM if you get D.

My kids are all under 12. I thought about making her move out, but I am the full-time bread-winner and could not afford daycare if my wife moved out. Since she has always been the SAH mom, I do believe it is best if she and the children stay in familiar surroundings (at least I used to believe that with all my heart). As well, I do travel a bit with my work.

Your WW could get a job couldn't she and be out on her own(you back in the house) if push comes to shove?

Guess I shouldn't have said she doesn't work. She works in the house looking after 2-3 other children and earns a modest income doing so (maybe $500-$700 per month).

It's all about the kids and making them as comfortable as possible I think so I guess in my situation,I have it as best as I could unless my WH were a complete a** and tried to make us move to a dinky apartment and lower the standard of living we are accustomed to.

Just a thought.

Thanks for your thoughts.

O </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Shaken but not stirred, by the way love the name and the thread title also caught my eye. Anyway I believe this is a consequence she must suffer by not being willing to work on the marriage. She has her cake and is chowing down. Why would she want to work on the marriage when her life is just how she likes it. One thing that has made me stick it out when times get rough with my WS is that I've started back to school since this began and am working on a teaching certificate, if we D now I would probably have to get a job and put my kids in day care and may end up never getting my degree. On down days it reminds me to try a little harder. Like I said your wife has no consequences.

Thanks KM4. Your views seem to be in good company with most people I've "talked" to on this board. Some don't think my approach is very respectful, and they may very well be right. But I do think my wife has no inclination to work on the marriage in our current circumstances because she has me right where she wants me.

I'm sorry I have not read your story, but I hope you doing well (you seem to be with going back to school, etc).

Thanks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by km4:
<strong> Shaken but not stirred, by the way love the name and the thread title also caught my eye. Anyway I believe this is a consequence she must suffer by not being willing to work on the marriage. She has her cake and is chowing down. Why would she want to work on the marriage when her life is just how she likes it. One thing that has made me stick it out when times get rough with my WS is that I've started back to school since this began and am working on a teaching certificate, if we D now I would probably have to get a job and put my kids in day care and may end up never getting my degree. On down days it reminds me to try a little harder. Like I said your wife has no consequences. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">