has anyone ever been in trouble for sending the Plan B letter to the OW and/or their relatives?

WS told me not to contact OW or her parents & if I did, they would take legal action.

OS

Although I am not a lawyer, I have never heard of such a thing! As far as a
I know, there is nothing illegal about sending someone a simple letter. Sounds like a scare tactic to keep their affair under wraps.
Funny thing is that there are (I believe)still a few states in this great union, where infidelity is illegal! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> You should look that one up according to your state laws. I could be wrong, but I think there are still a few.
I would send the letter. JMHO


r0uter

I don't see what's illegal about it, unless it could be construed as harassment.

But, keep in mind who you're hearing this threat from. If it's from your WH, he could very well be lying to you and is trying to protect OW from her parents' disappointment and disgust. If it's from OW directly, then I don't see why you can't still send a letter to her parents. If they don't want to receive it, they'll tell you not to write again.

FYI, after TBXW and I decided to end things, I sent OM#2 an extremely nasty, expletive-filled (though non-threatening) letter, to vent my spleen. Felt really good. Subsequently I told TBXW that I'd done this. She was not happy, but who cares? I had every right to let that piece of sh*t have a piece of my mind. Better than him getting a piece of my boot in his a$$, I say.

Never did hear anything from him in response... guess he really is just the coward I had pegged him for. Why TBXW felt the need to start screwing him six weeks after our wedding, I'll never understand.

Oh well... her loss, as she's discovering now.

Did you tell your h you were going to go to Plan B? It's not really a matter open for dicussion with im.

(I'm not a lawyer)
I don't see what would be "illegal" about it unless there was a threat.
Besides, there should only be one line addressed to the ow in the letter.

They could try to file for a restraining order AFTER they get the letter, but it would probably not get granted.
Even if they did manage to get a restraining order, it wouldn't really affect you in any way, as you will not be in any further contact with them.
I'm guessing they don't know what's going on or everyone was told that YOU kicked him out and are doing the divorce.
The reason for sending the Plan B letter to the op is to let them know where you stand as most ws lie to the op about it.

thanks everyone - well, I was afraid I could be charged w/ harassment and/or slander/libel/defamation (I'm not sure which when you write a letter), so I have been careful to use the words "relationship" etc, but I think I'll have to run it by my atty anyway b/c the last thing I need is to be sued by this person and her family - my whole life has fallen apart and that would be the last straw for me.

If you want to comment on the letter - it's here under "Countdown..." by oldsoul. (I'm young, but I feel about 99 inside.)

RDog - wow - My heart goes out to you and to your children! I just don't understand people some times. I would love to have an H that gave a darn about me & our M, and I would love to have children and a family. I think about my pain and all the others out there who are in the same place or worse and my heart just aches that people do this to one another. You sound very, very strong. I used to think that if I was in this situation, I would be hurt, but strong and just wash my hands and walk away and move on with pride. I've found out that I'm pathetic and weak and I'm barely hanging on to my job b/c of how poorly I'm dealing w/ all of this. I hope I can make it to your level of detachment.

well, I was afraid I could be charged w/ harassment and/or slander/libel/defamation
"Charged" is criminal. Nothin criminal about sending it.

b/c the last thing I need is to be sued by this person and her family
They can sue you now for anything they want right now. Suing someone is as simple as filing the papers. You need absolutely nothing to sue someone. Getting a judgement is a complete separate issue though.

As long as it sticks to facts and is not angry, wouldn't worry about it.
Never heard of anyone running it by a lawyer before. Guess if you wanna spend the $100 to do that it couldn't hurt.

Oldsoul... never for a moment allow yourself to believe that you're weak, or pathetic, or anything else. During our fights after D-Day, TBXW called me "weak" on a few occasions. Sometimes, I almost thought she was right.

But, I've since realized that she (and other cheaters) are the weak ones. She's realized that too, I think. You and I are the ones who made a commitment to another person and kept it. You and I are the ones who dealt with problems during the marriage constructively, rather than running into the arms of another person at the first sign of trouble or unhappiness. You and I are the ones who proved to ourselves and everybody else that our word and our vows actually mean something. You and I are the ones with our principles, honour, integrity and morality intact. Nobody can take those away from you -- they're yours as long as you hold onto them. It's too bad that some others are willing to give them away at the drop of a hat, or some other article of clothing.

Of course you're hurting. You were betrayed by somebody you trusted with your whole heart. You've no doubt felt humiliated, naive, foolish, stupid, and blind. I felt all of those things as well.

I wasn't this strong right out of the gate. In August and September, I was a basket case. The best thing I did was inform my superiors at work about what was going on in my life, so that they were aware of it. They've been very sympathetic and supportive (even though D-Day happened TWO WEEKS into my new job).

Unlike you, I never did any mental preparation for how I'd react in this situation because I never imagined it would happen to me. But I rebounded much more quickly than I imagined I would. About a month after D-Day, I wrote TBXW a long letter. In it, I told her that if our marriage ended, it would be rough, but I would get through it, because I'm a survivor. Honestly, when I wrote that, I didn't know if it was true or not.

But, by God, it is true. I'm sadder because of this, without doubt. But I'm also stronger than I ever believed I could be. I know now that, because I was capable of handling this, I can handle just about anything. I can take a licking and keep on ticking. TBXW is the one who's having a rough time of it right now (and has begged me on three separate occasions to come back -- as for why I won't, that's for another post).

You can get past this. You don't need him. Maybe he'll go and marry OW. Just keep in mind that something like 75% of marriages between cheating spouses and OM/OW end in divorce. And given his low moral character, he'll probably cheat on her too. Only then, it won't be your problem anymore. It'll be hers. And you'll be strong enough that you won't even feel the need to point and laugh.

RDog,

Thanks for the insight - you've inspired me a little to pick myself up off the ground and tell myself that I will survive this - and maybe even come out better off.

I would like to ask you a personal question, but feel free to just ignore it... do you think your ability to move on & be strong comes from the fact that you have decided the marriage is definitely over?

Sometimes I think everything is falling apart (lost too much weight, job is a mess) because in the back of my mind I'm hoping it'll work out, so I can't detach and get over it faster. I'm really worried about holding it together. (Please God, I've always been a hard worker, just let me move past this & keep my job! I have no other family to help me if I get fired.)

Was the decision that it's over the thing that helped you feel stronger? If not, do you know what helped you?

Thanks

Oldsoul... yes, knowing it was over was definitely a factor in helping me feel better. But I don't think that needs to be the case for everybody. Perhaps the approach you should be taking for Plan B is to assume that your marriage is over, and start doing things for yourself that are consistent with that. One of the principles seems to be that the WS is more likely to be attracted to the BS if they look at them and see a tower of strength... and especially if they look and see that the BS is getting on with their life, apparently without them. You may secretly be harbouring the hope that he'll notice you and want to come back, but he doesn't need to know about your secret hopes, does he?

Many people have observed that "living well is the best revenge." And, in your case, if you're not out for revenge, living well will be of help to you on so many levels. Get involved in things. Take up a new hobby, or revisit an old hobby. If there are friends that you drifted away from due to your commitment to your marriage, get in touch with them again. Surround yourself with such people, so that your time isn't spent alone. Start exercising (using a crosstrainer while listening to loud, angry music is GREAT therapy). Keep yourself looking good -- make sure that every time you see him or talk to him, yours is the smile or voice that brightens the room. Make sure you always look completely together when you see him. It'll make you feel better about yourself, and make you more attractive to WH. And, if you're really successful in your efforts, you might reach a point where he finds you so attractive that he wants to come back. And who knows... by then you might have decided that you LIKE the new you, and you don't feel the need to go rushing back. You can take the time to decide what you really want.

Hope this helps... stay strong...