My story is in the general questions forum but for this posts sake heres my dilema:

I had been having an A with a coworker and my BS and I had separated and I asked for a divorce. BS asked that I go to MC and try to work things out, I went and began to look at things differently because of my participation in MC. I decided to end the A and to return to BS. I had decided subconciously to tell her the whole truth about the A. I told her and a week later we had a blowup that ended with her being charged with DV.

Now there is a temporary protection order that bars us from having contact with one another. I want to remain in the marriage but I don't know what to do to keep from screwing it up....

What I'm saying is I don't necesarily know whatplan to try and implement as I already ended the A and when I did I let the OW know there was to be no contact at all from that point on and there hasn't been. But I don't know how to approach the recovery of my marriage once my wife and I start talking again. I have no clue where or how to start the process....

-2soon

You have found the right spot. Start by doing a lot of reading here about how to have a better marriage. Are you able to write a letter to your wife? If so, better apologize.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wise2soon:
<strong>I told her and a week later we had a blowup that ended with her being charged with DV.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't get it DV is divorce ... Do you mean R.O. (restraining order) ?. It depends on the nature of your contact w/ W. If no body complaint ... there is no bite on that piece of paper. It just a legal document.

I would aprroach it carefully but through an intermediary why don't you send message to ask your W time to talk ?.

-rh-

Red,

You have to forgive me, I'm fairly new here and not familliar with all of the slang, abbreviations, etc... I meant DV = Domestic Violence. Currently as a result of BS neong charged with domestic violence there is a no contact - temporary restraining order in place. I do not know how to approch my BS as right now she is comfortable with the no contact order. I do not know for sure how to begin the communication process as far as our marriage recovery process is concerned.

-2soon

Well, as I posted, she has to be willingly to be approached by you too. If she doesn't you better stay clear or you will end up in jail.

I would not approach her directly, try to pass message through middleman/woman. Just tell her you want to talk. Get that part going first then post back here for some idea. Don't put the horse first before the carriage, it would drive you nuts.

good luck -rh-

Red, just so you understand, it was her charged with domestic violence... The TPO-No contact order applies to both of us though.

-2soon

It doesn't matter ... get someone to talk to her that you want to talk. Express also that this was not suppose to happen.

Meanwhile ... read up on MB as much as you can ... ammend your W appropriately.

-rh-

OK Red,

OK Red,

I see what you were trying to say now. The problem is that I am 99% sure that she doesn't want to spek with me now about our marriage right now. I've come to the conclusion that she needs to be the one to initiate the discussion on our marriage even though I want to.

I'm working on focusing on me and trying to keep myself out of the way of her dealing with it.. I just am dealing with the emotions of having no contact with her at all... I miss her and our kids more than anything. I'm missing the fufilment I used to recieve at home even though while I was there I wasn't all there. I miss *****ing about my wife calling me 5 times a day at work... I have to fight the urge to call her work just to hear her answer the phone. Its tough and I'm trying the best I can.

Red, I have no clue when and if we will talk about our marriage, she may just file for divorce... But if she does come to me to tal;k all I know is to let her talk and be HONEST when she asks specific questions. Other than that I cannot seem to find many resources other than the books I went out and bought. I've looked at the tour and everything I could find here but when it comes to the first real tlalk we have where things are laid out, I don't know what to do. Any advice anyone? Looking for perspectives from both BS and WS if possible. Like what manner could your WS have approached the initial talk (not revelation) about the A that would've made it more productive? And what would you say as a WH to your BS as far as relating how you feel and what you want to do?

Sorry but I'm scared and full of questions and I get a bit incoherent sometimes.

-2soon

Hey 2soon,
I am by no means an expert and am in a pretty bad way myself but I do have the perspective of the BS. I would want my WS to come to me with regret and gentleness. Not to grovel but sincere in apology. Something like " Honey, I really have some heavy things on my heart. Please try to understand first off that I am very sorry about it all but I did have an affair."
Anger is part of knowing but I think that the anger is just a way to mask the pain. I know that when I discovered the A, I had much anger. It help me when I fantasized about beating the tar out of both WS and OM. Of course, I never acted on it. I thought about it and realized that it was only because I was in such pain that I wanted to cause pain. It's just a guess and my judgement is cloudy right now so take it for what it is worth. I bet your BS reacted with anger because the pain was just too much to react to. Once the anger goes away, the pain will set in. Then you can approach with apologies and regrets. Breaking all contact with the OP is a great start. From then on answer questions. Give complete answers. Don't try to empty all your guilt at once. Be patient and let BS come to you with more questions. Be ready to give an answer whenever BS needs one for as long as needed. Don't rush the BS to get over it all. Give her a chance to work through her feelings at her own pace.

<small>[ January 23, 2004, 01:17 PM: Message edited by: hurtinbad ]</small>

wise2soon,

I understand how you feel ... try send a hint to your W anyway to be sure, don't let your guessing run your life.

Tell her from your gut out ... read up the language of love from Gary Smalley, it is very powerfull ... I won't tell you what you have to say but in general ... you have to cover ...
1. how sorry you are.
2. what you have done to fix it (nc w/ OW)
3. you still love her and you want to do anything and everything to make this work.
4. you love your family.
5. Answer all of her questions thruthfully, tell her it is not meant to hurt her but this is the truth. (warning, she will ask you over and over and over again until she is satisfy with it). Be patient and no LB.

Good luck, get medication if you need it. You need to head this one w/ clear head.

-rh-

Wise, sorry to follow you over here with the same advice. Not any mention of children in your Plan A question. This is the only thing that matters.
I like the idea of a letter as suggested here and in that letter I would speak of nothing but your commitment to do everything to make sure she keeps the three children. Towards the end of the letter you can then suggest that you want more than anything to be a complete family.

I'm not dismissing your pain but you need to prepare for a long drawn out recovery. That's everybody's recovery and not unique to you. But I really feel very strongly that any comment to your W about anything else but the kids will look like selfish. I honestly believe this will be the best plan of action for you to restore your marriage. But try to be patient. Though without communication your situation is difficult. But if one message is able to get across it has to be your complete support with regard to the kids. Don't talk to her ex. anymore either.

Walking

Ok,
Made it through the weekend! Ans I'm still sane and feeling somewhat better overall. To recap for those not familliar with whats going on, I'm the WS and told my BS of the A on 4 Jan 04 . A week later there was a blowup that ended with her being charged with domestic violence. Her EX began callingme right away to try to get me to help him take his daughter from her. I feel that she's better off with my BS than her biological father so I recanted my statement that caused my BS to be charged in the first place to make the charges go away or be reduced to where it would not harm her custody of our daughter. The is a temporary protection/no contact order thru the courts from the domestic violence charge but we are working to have it removed or modified so its eaiser to coordinate taking care of the bills and kids.

Now that we're all up to date, She sent my 2 sons to see me his weekend for an overnite while she worked. She did not send our daughter as she already had made plans to spend the night with one of her friends. Couple that with the situation her biological father is trying to create and even I can say that its probably not the best idea to have her come visit overnight with me. All that we would need would be for my daughter to say something to her biological fathers family about spending the night with "Daddy Thomas" and all hell would break loose. So I'm ok with it. When I sent the kids home I sent a letter with them to my BS. I have a copy of the rough draft and I'd like comments on if I did an ok job with it. I didn't have access to the Net or I would've posted it here 1st to make sure that I didn't screw up. Here's the letter that I sent home with the boys.

BS Name,
Thanks you so much for trusting me the boys to me and letting me have them come up to my mothers. I know stepdaughter already had plans with friend before I asked to see the kids. I also know that now is not the time to have stepdaughter say to her paternal side of the family, "I went to G-Ma Eileens and spent the night with daddy-thomas" I understand this and I'm ok with it. I love and miss stepdaughter though, and I would like to see her when time and the situation permits though. This is only if you are comfortable with it though. It was great to see the boys. All three of us needed that.
I'm sending a sled home with son. Brother and I picked it up when we saw it was going to snow. I promised son and stepdaughter last time it snowed I would make sure they got to play in and sled in the snow the next time it did. Since stepdaughter could not come to my mothers and it was to cold, please see if you, your mom or sister-in-law and boyfriend,or someone can take the kids sledding while snows on the ground?
Other than that, I wanted to let you know that I am going to respect the time and space that you need. There are only two things that we need to worry about comunicating to one another right now. One is where /who will have the kids so I can call and visit them. The other is family finances. I need to know when you take money out of the account or write a check. This is only so we do not bounce anything. Other than these issues, until you approach me, I will not push to speak on other issues. I mean this through the duration of the themporary protection/no-contact order, through going to court, and after court, until you are ready and approach me. Until you are ready to talk about anything other than the kids or our finances, you have my word that I will respect our need for time and space.
Please take care of yourself and know that I am ok. I'm taking care of myself and trying to put things right in my life. When you are ready, I will be there to listen to what you have to say, honestly answer any questions you have, and respect your feelings and any decisions you make.

I love you and miss you,

Thomas

THis was the rough draft of the letter I sent home with my sons after having them this weekend. It meant alot that she let me have them overnight as I took them when she was arrested and could've held on to them an kept them from her after she was arraigned. The only thing about the letter that I changed in the final copy was I softened the tone when I was speaking about the family finances. I felt the verbage I used in this draft sounded to authoritive, like someone bossing someone else around. My intent was to 1. Thank her for sending my sons and trusting me that I would send them home (is implied) 2. Establish that I'm going to respect her need for time and space (never have done this before) and establish gorund rules on what we need to comunicate on right now. Anyone have any feedback? Looking for perceptions from both BS and WS.

Thanks in advance,
-2soon

wise2soon,

I suggest you to add the plan A in the letter. I suggest you to state again that
1. you are sorry on what happen
2. thing that you had done so far
3. thing that you are willing to do to ammend her
4. you beleive in M and want to make it work and willing to go to MC.

-rh-

Red,

We still have the NC order form the courts to contend with and I just wanted to send a letter letting her know I was going to respect her need for time and space. In the past when we've had problems she stated she felt I alwasy pushed her to talk about things, make a decision, etc... That is why you notice I really didn't say much other than "trying to put things right in my life". When I wrote this I wanted it to be just a letter that states a couple of things

1: Thanks for sending the kids
2: We need to comunicate so I can see/speak with the kids
3: We need to comunicate so family financial issues are taken care of
4: I will show her respect by allowing her the time and space she needs.

Other than comunicating these points, I did not want her to view the letter in any other way. I felt if I included the things I'm doing to change myself or spoke on them, she would view the letter as me trying to manipulate her into talking.

What I'm going to need is advice on how to do the things you've mentioned without causing her to feel that I am pushing the issue. If she feels this way, she will withdraw and shut down. That is why you see no real mention of the things I am doing.
Any advice on how to let her know these things without making her feel presured or pushed?

-2soon

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wise2soon:
<strong> What I'm going to need is advice on how to do the things you've mentioned without causing her to feel that I am pushing the issue. If she feels this way, she will withdraw and shut down. That is why you see no real mention of the things I am doing.
Any advice on how to let her know these things without making her feel presured or pushed?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't see how you want to push her ... all I listed above is about you and she don't need to do anything but to observe. The main thing in here you did tell her that regardless of her decision you will respect her.

-rh-

wise2soon-
I am a BS and what I wanted to hear from WH is a sincere apology. I still have not heard that. Please write to her and tell her you are sorry that you betrayed her and broke your vows.

If you can figure out the reason, let her know that too. But not if it is just blaming her.

Good luck with this.