Just a short history,
Married 25 yrs,, this is H second affair. Really have not lived together much in the last 5 years in the name of "work" He works out of town. He met the OW in Sept/03, within 3 days he was living with her. He has no interest in making the marriage work, he wants out, wants a divorce. He has said he found someone better, his soulmate and he should have left me years ago. But up until he met this OW, he made out like he was interested in the marriage and I thought things were working out for us. (how stupid of me to think that when you dont even live together much) I have always wanted my marriage to work. SOOOO my question is. I do not see any point or how I could even do Plan A. We have no contact with each other unless absolutely necessary and its usually me that calls him. So do I go right into Plan B. There are some day when I am not even sure I loved him. We got married because I was pregnant at 18. I do want my marriage to work though. I know we are supposed to write a letter to him. I am not even sure what to write. So PLEASE I need some advice. What do I do? Plan A or B????? Even if this relationship of his doesnt work out, I dont think he will come back to me. I think he has wanted out of this marriage for a long time but was to chicken to do it, till he found someone else.
Is there any point to do doing Plan A, when the spouse wants out and is living with the OW and had made indication he wants nothing to do with the marriage, and also as for Plan B and having no contact with the WS, well thats not doing anything for him because I think he is quite happy not talking to me. He lives 12 hours away so there is no chance of seeing him either
ANY ADVICE, PLEASE

Cheryl

Cherylpa,

I would be blunt, direct and this is my 2¢, if you need advice and could afford it .. please call MB, there is no subtitute for that. Also I need more detail that is impossible could be done via threads in here.

WH'A is an ExitA. It is very little chances that you could slavage your M anytime soon however you have to try and earn your way out of this M.

I would like you to chart out every 6 months in your 25 years of M ... what was the most live event that happen and rate them is they are happy or not from 1-5 (5 being the happiest). See if you have a contigous happy moment and tell me the longest that is ... 6 months, 1 year, 2 years ...

I need to know your profile, ages, kids, d-day#1, d-day#2 ... etc. Also how the first A ended ?

In this ExitA ... you have to ride it out. A will end .. not now and not yet ... however you need to do plan A for your own sake. Standard way ... think what were his complaint about you before d-day ... and what are his complaints now ?. These are clues for plan A list. You have to make him recognize that you could change.

He might not come back after A ended but you have to make your self as an attractive spouse. Probably not for him but for your next mate.

Meanwhile don't take his comment or behavior personnally. Focus hard on your plan A and set time for yourself. This includes you changes your schedule (jamm pack them), take Salsa ... lol, it is good fun, do something that you want to do ... (I am going to take flying lesson this summer) ... do thing that make you want to date you ... However you don't flirt and open up possibility for A yourself.

Plan A is for you ... fix the flaw that you have in this M so that your have no baggage to contaminate your next R ... w/ or w/o your WH.

-rh-

THanks for replying Redhat,, I seem to be posting to you on two topics here, so I will just stick in this one to save confusion.
First of all I would love to be able to talk to someone on the MB, but unfortunately I do not have a job right now and H is barely giving me enough to survive on right now. Do they do pro bono work here?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH'A is an ExitA. It is very little chances that you could slavage your M anytime soon however you have to try and earn your way out of this M.

What do you mean I have to earn my way out of the marriage?

Profile: Married 25 years. I am 44, H is 44. Two kids, son 25, Daughter 22.
First affair I found out summer of 2001, OW broke it off with H saying go back to your wife and try and make it work, if it doesnt give me a call. I moved to where H was to make marriage work (wished I had read HNHN and SAA first) 2 years later we moved back to our house which we were renting out and H went out of town to work again. I thought things were going okay between us. Then in Sept/03 he calls me up and says he met another woman, he moved in with her right away and said he is going to divorce me. 4 months after only knowing her he said he will probably marry her. He came right out and told me about the affair never tried to hide it, although I suspect he would have tried to hide it, but the OW told him to sh--t or get off the pot. So she gave him the ultimatum and he chose her <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> .

You asked me what his complaints about me were. He never really told me much about what was wrong with me. When he had the affair, he said its not what you did, its about me.

You said the affair will end, not yet, but it will.
What makes you so sure that it will end?

You didnt sound too hopeful that I will get my marriage back. I am not too hopeful either.

You said look back over the good moments and rate them how long the happy moment was. Hmmm you know what I cant seem to think of a long happy moment. My marriage always seemed to be filled with strife and my husband was a constant liar to me about a lot of stuff and he was constantly running away and working out of town. We always seemed to be moving here and there all the time. 14 years ago he slept with a prostitute and came clean with that many years later. There are moments when I seen that he did try by giving me cards, flowers. But I remember coming to him one time and saying we need to work on this marriage and he said he was happy being a roommate with me. When my son was 16, he gave me a lot of problems and my H went out of town to work, as it turned out there was not much work then and he stayed away on purpose because he could not handle what was going on back here. He left me to deal with it. My H is like that in his work (conrete finisher), he has worked with many different people and at the first sign of trouble he ran away. I think he thinks he has found the answer to his problems with this woman. He always said if I find another woman she will have to have money. This one has a big horse stable, teaches riding, breeds horses. Funny thing is, he has given her over $8000 in 4 months and paid for thier trip to Holland in December. DOes this sound like a stable person? I know I have had my faults in this marriage and probably didnt show him a lot of affection in the last few years, but it was hard to when he kept running away on me. I wrote him a 5 page letter, stating that I know I had faults in this marriage, but told him I never ran away from it, always wanted to work on it. Him and I are Christians I threw God in the letter quite a bit. I told him that that he hurt me bad and his kids, and told him that I thought him and I could have a wonderful marriage if we worked at it and put God #1 in the marriage. If you would like to read it, I could email it to you.
This is starting to get long, if you have any other questions for me or advice, please go ahead. I am confused and hurting.

Cheryl

Cheryl,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>What do you mean I have to earn my way out of the marriage?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have to disect your M ... and come to conclusion that you do everything humanly possible to save your M before you end this M.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>What makes you so sure that it will end?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Average A ends about 2.5 years ... when the sex is gone, when the excitement is gone ... when life events testing their R ... most of OP/WS are not equipp to deal w/ it. Only 3% of A end up in M and none of them have a fullfiling M.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>You didnt sound too hopeful that I will get my marriage back. I am not too hopeful either.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry, I try to be blunt and not to put you down or put false hope. You are against a long and hard 'coater ride. Unless OW is LB'ng big time your WH might not come back.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>This is starting to get long, if you have any other questions for me or advice, please go ahead. I am confused and hurting.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Focus on Plan A ... plan A for you to survive this. You need to survive this A even your M might not be.

Hang in there -rh-

Thanks Redhat,

Just another question. I do believe Plan A is to do things to make the WH want to come back. I have no contact with my WH, its almost like he is doing Plan B on me. How can you do plan A with no contact. I thought of writing him a letter showing him how I had loved him over the years (he accused me of not showing any love) and then asking him for forgiveness for the things I did wrong in the marriage and telling him I want the marriage to work? Is this a good idea or not?

Cheryl

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cherylpa:
<strong>How can you do plan A with no contact. I thought of writing him a letter showing him how I had loved him over the years (he accused me of not showing any love) and then asking him for forgiveness for the things I did wrong in the marriage and telling him I want the marriage to work? Is this a good idea or not?

Cheryl </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let the words travels ... show what you do to others that would bring the news back to him.

Writing him a letter is a waste of time right now. Leave him alone.

-rh-