I just posted my story yesterday in the "just found out" forum. My Plan A problem wasn't really addressed there so I hope you folks can help me here.

Just 18 months ago my husband and I were very solid and happy. Married almost 19 yrs. Then we experienced 4 significant deaths from August 2002 to August 2003. His dad in March, my dad in August. Even more stuff than the deaths, but you get the idea, it was a rough time. In June I saw him cutting off from me. Before then I also periodically felt boundaries being crossed with his office manager. He has a small business. These situations didn't happen often, but I would get a gut reaction. She was having marriage problems and I told H he should be careful. I talked to him every time I felt that feeling. As the distance grew I asked periodically if he was having an A. He denied, but still wouldn't connect or try. Finally on 1/8 we talked and H said he wasn't having an A, but admitted feelings of love for this person, which began developing a year ago. Claims he has not told her or slept with her. I think I believe him, but I know WS's lie. I want him to end all contact but I don't think it is possible. His business partner is moving to another state in March, and the office manager is vital to his business. He would be in real trouble if she left too. Plus, if he is telling the truth, technically she hasn't done anything wrong. You can't just fire someone. These feelings might be all in his head. My gut says she isn't an innocent bystander and she probably has feelings for him too. So what do I do in this case? Can he begin focussing on us if she is in his face every day? I did tell him there can't be any socializing with her, even with others present. No business lunches. No talking about anything slightly personal. Ok, but how can I control that? My therapist told me she has seen situations like this where the spell can be broken, even when contact exists. Please, please, I need advice. Thanks!

CV55,

Why don't you talk to her ... could you hold your emotion and even if PA is happening ?.

You task is not to confront pOW (possible) but to get information.

1. Ask her point blank woman to woman if she has something w/ your H.
2. To match up story for what your WH told her and what the situation is.
3. If she does let tell her to stop since it is not appropriate and if even if she got your H what gurantee he would do it again to her later. You love your H and you are going to fight for it.

You gut feeling usually 99% right in this case of infidelity ... think of the worst. You WH has PA w/ this OW, he probably told all sort of lies to OW.

Warning ... your WH probalby will throw a fit at you and he might even leave you. However this is fine since if you give them more time ... you give them more chances to work their A out to become R. Be a Venusian, be smart ...

Yo M to your H but I could tell you that I won't trust an alcoholic w/ a bottle of Jack Daniel the same way as I won't trust WS w/ whatever they are telling you to continue their addiction.

Do you value your M more than your lifestyle if H lost his business ?

good luck -rh-

<small>[ January 25, 2004, 10:26 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Thanks! Frankly, if he is telling the truth and hasn't told her his feelings, I think I'd rather not have her know about them. If she has some feelings for him too it might be an encouragement to her. My husband is away and will be back Wed. I think I will have a better feel and direction when he returns. As I said before, you really can't just fire someone, even if he wanted to. Believe me, I wish he had no further contact. Right now it isn't an option. Now if I find out it is more than what he's told me I will push for her to leave. I appreciate your comments.

Snoop to find out .... -rh-

CV55

I am in similar situation to yours, very similar. My feelings are similar too. If H refuses to cease contact how can you control it? Mine is a little worse, mine has layovers 6 hours away from here everynight due to his job and this is where his admitted EA and suspected PA is happening. 6 hours is a long drive to snoop and get caught.

I can't contact other female because right now my H says he still loves and and cares for me deeply, just not in love and if I contronted her, no matter how politely he would hate me, and that would push him closer to female. He told me not to contact her, supposedly she is physically abused by boyfriend and he is trying to "help her out". Plus I am not sure if she know of feelings either**I look at it as more dangerous to bring it to her attention.

What the heck are we going to do?

Well, my situation has changed. My H came home yesterday from his trip and I was determined to find out the truth today. I think he would have avoided a conversation, except after having a night of insomnia I decided we had to talk. I told him I really wasn't sure he was telling me the whole truth. I then went on to list all the things that raised my suspicions. Like why would a man be contemplating leaving his marriage if feelings weren't revealed? Finally he told me that they had told each other they were in-love. As the day went on I got more disturbing info regarding just how long this has been going on. He swears they haven't slept together. I told him not to leave that out if they have. I think he is telling the truth about that, but the damage is enormous. I have never in 26 yrs. seen my H cry like he did today. As soon as he left to see his therapist, I immediately called her at work. I told him I was going to call and he actually wanted to let her know out of courtesy. Do you believe that? I knew I needed to do the surprise attack, and was she surprised. I didn't yell or scream, just told her I knew everything. Let her know several times the extreme pain she has caused our family and us. And that I am going to try and save our marriage of almost 19 yrs. I have to say it was liberating. Now whether we will get through this mess is another story. H's therapist told him that he has seen people get over affairs even while working together. I told my H that knowing they were professing love for each other for months I doubted we would survive if she continues there. This whole thing gets me sick. I am the strong one, the one who is saying we can survive this. The one who actually was holding him while he was crying. And I'm sure like you, I have been lonely and sad for months. I finally went on an antidepressant just to cope. I don't know what's going to happen. All I can say is the truth is far better than the lies. I hope I got it all today. Good luck to you. You know I feel your pain.

CV55,

Your WH's A is not unique ... the lies and deceptions all points to EA/PA. You did the right thing to inform OW ... so that she knows that she is hurting your family. Good job.

What is your current situation now ?

You have to give credit to WH ... he is guilt ridden. He just fails to guard his ENs and time spend w/ OW.

-rh-

My current situation? My H cried most of yesterday, through the night, and this morning. He realizes the OW has to go. Yesterday he thought they could work together professionally and we could heal. I told him I didn't see that happening after months of their expressing feelings. So today he is trying to figure it out. Of course he is devastated about having to fire her, losing someone who makes his life easier at work, and I'm sure not being around someone he's in-love with. I have tried to tell him she is not as innocent as she appears and probably has been hoping he would choose her.

He was so happy to feel in-love again, and is afraid he won't feel those feelings for me again. He said something blocks him from giving to me fully. I told him I think that is with him, and don't we all love stage one, but it never lasts. He does not want to lose me and our boys. I hope he can love me again. We held each other all night and this morning. How do you compete with in-love feelings for someone else? I'm trying to be logical here, but it really hurts.

I'm impressed. You are really moving forward and are so courageous. What progress you've made! You had long talks with your H, he's told you the truth, you're holding each other (EXCELLENT!) and he says he realizes he has to fire the OW, and you've told her you know everything and you're going to fight for your marriage.

Whew!

All that in a matter of days. Man, you are one strong woman.

Now, I don't want to discourage you. Just be prepared for backsliding on your husband's part. He may change his mind about firing the OW. Have a backup plan for that eventuality. I don't have one to suggest, but ask other MB'ers for help. They're a savvy bunch.

CV, you'll be moving to the Recovery Boards soon! I'm so happy for you, and you're a complete stranger. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Stay strong.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CV55:
<strong>How do you compete with in-love feelings for someone else? I'm trying to be logical here, but it really hurts. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Get to the source ... get MB conseling together. Harley's is the guru on Falling in-love and staying in-love.

Figure out his ENs and fillin to the max. Avoid LB, honest and spend time together ... this mess will be a distant memeory.

Remember you have to plan B him if he steps back again to OW.

-rh-

Thanks for all your replies. I just want you all to know how joining this site one week ago has been a godsend for me. It feels like I have been posting for a lot longer.

Now for the update. He talked to his business partner who will be moving mid-February the day I called OW at work. Thank God this time the partner was a real friend to both of us. We are talking now and he feels equally betrayed. He had asked them both if they were having an affair and was lied to. He told H he had to get rid of OW, which I have also stuck with. So yesterday H told her he would help her find another job. Of course she said she'd do anything to keep her job. She loves her job! And my H has been crying non-stop since the truth came out. And guess who has been doing most of the holding and comforting? I am actually laughing to myself because this is all too bizarre.

I felt so sorry for him last night that I actually thought, should I let him keep her on? His business is really going to be in trouble if they both leave? I know he wants me to say "It's Ok, she can still work with you as we can repair our marriage." Then I think "No Way!" I was emotionally cut off for months while he was "in-love" with somebody else. She was offering me condolences at my dad's funeral while she's involved with my H.

I told H I feel like he is acting like the victim here and he wants me to rescue him. I told him I have felt the pain he now feels for months, but the only difference is he wasn't there to hug me while I was going through it.

So that's it for now. He's freaking out because of the mess he now knows he created. And the dumb OW just lost a really good career. Last night i actually found myself asking this question. Ok, it appears for now that Plan A is working. But do I really want this man? I hope these are normal feelings. I've been wondering if he can love me again, but the real question is does he deserve the love I have to give? Sorry! This is just the stuff that is going through my mind. Anyway, thanks so much again.

CV55 - You are doing fine and are at a very critical point. My long boring story is that H went back to OW 11 times. Right before the last time he told me he was depressed and needed me to comfort him. I told him he was just feeling what I have been feeling for the last 9 months. I had no energy left to comfort him.

So you are doing real well. It is a fine line to walk. It is good to fill in his emotional needs, but OW must go. There is no other way. If possible H needs to give her a month's wages while she looks for another job - but she needs to leave now.

When she is not working for him, he needs to send her a NC letter. Then of course there is always the possibility that she will file a sexual harrasssment claim.

But stand your ground because otherwise you may end up divorced. Your feelings about wondering if H deserves you are normal. Those can be dealt with later.

CV55,


There is no place for OW in your M, you did the right thing. One suggestion ... let H's partner to fire her ... give her a few months salary and ship her out for good.

Your feeling about H is normal ... I use to suggest BS to reevaluate before going into plan A. You have to ask yourself ... if H has no A would you remarry him over again ?. If your answer is not definite yes, ask your self ... is he capables/willing to follow the 4 gifts of love to rebuilt this M to become fullfiling one ?.

-rh-

I have literally gone from comforting him yesterday and throughout the night, to an intense anger mode. Today my 2 brothers, wives, and my boys moved remaining items from my dad's condo. H had to work. Being with my family brought the anger out. I thought I have been lying to them for months. Isolating myself from them. If they knew what H did they wouldn't believe it. His business partner told me today he didn't sleep all night because of it. Then I thought of my dad. While I was dealing with my dad dying, and then his death, my H was ingnoring me and having an affair. I feel sick inside. Would I marry him now? No way! Right now I think he's a sniveling weasel. Today I realized I don't even think I'd care if he chose to be with OW. I wonder why I have cared so much. Now that I might actually have him back I'm not sure I want him. I just kept looking at my boys today and thinking right now I'm doing this for them. They have had too many losses and they don't need this now. I think I'd dump him if I didn't have kids. Should I be moving to the recovery board to figure these feelings out? Also, my H is the owner of the business so only he can fire her. I hope she doesn't take legal action. I don't think she wants to look bad. Thanks again!

CV55 - I'm with you all of the way. When my WH's mom was in a nursing home, we went down and visited her every weekend for 18 months. That was our whole life. Worked during the week and spent weekends with her.

Now WH is with OW and my dad is dying of prostate cancer that has spread to the bone. I have had no support or comfort from WH. I have always been so close to my dad, it is awful for me.

So however my story turns out, I have no respect, no care, no feelings, no love, NOTHING for my WH. I think this was my wakeup point. At this time I really feel like it is the end.

CV55,

Don't kid yourself to recovery board ... you are a long way from that.

Also you have to tell a small# of family member about A ... you need their support. Also you need to put pressure on A.

Hang in there ...

-rh-

Believer, i'm sorry for what you are going through now. Watching your dad die is so difficult. At least in my situation H wasn't actually living with OW. He told me at that point they weren't constantly professing love feelings, yet he was absent emotionally from me. I don't know how you have gone through what you have for so long. I don't know if you believe in prayer, but mine are going out to you right now.

My H just came home and literally feels like he needs to be hospitalized. I talked to him throughout last night. He gets OW needs to go. Yet being at work today flipped him out. OW is angry and has a rash all over her body. I'm sooo sad! H's business partner feels so betrayed he told me today he doesn't even want to finish his 2 weeks there. H realizes the people he has hurt. I still don't think he totally gets who he hurt the most. Me!!! I just got pissed off at him and told him to deal with it. He said, "I'm not like this. I don't like hurting people. I think about everybody else." I told him the only person he's been thinking about for 8 months has been himself, which is why he is where he is. I've had to deal with all my feelings and function, and now he needs to. I don't know if I did the right thing, but I've had it. I'm functioning on 3 hrs. of sleep max. because I'm listening to him have panic attacks all night. Holding and talking to him. Listening to him talk about his withdrawal symptoms. I told him last night he trusted the wrong person. He should have been trusting me and his partner who have known and loved him for over 20 years. He is finally realizing he was manipulated, whether it was conscious or uncounsciou, by OW. Partner felt like he was being squeezed out. Any additional thoughts or comments are appreciated. Thanks all of you for being there.

I think you might want to come along side him and comfort him. I know it is not fair. He sounds like he may need to get some anti-D's.

I told my H I could not comfort him, and he is now with OW. But I was completely worn out.

Your H sounds like he might be getting it. Yes he needs to suffer the consequences of his choices, but maybe you can find it in yourself to help him right now.

He is on an antidepressant. He just talked to his shrink on the phone because of his crisis state. All the progress we made just got totally undermined. The shrink told him he could probably still work with her. He shouldn't be forced to make any decisions under stress. And H is actually suggesting to me that maybe she could stay on there. I was giving him a month to keep her on. My God! Now I do feel hopeless. This shrink just gave him a way out of his pain. Now H says he doesn't want to do anything that he will resent me for later. The shrink Said basically you have to watch out for on-line support like I'm getting. Now what do I do? I am so angry. I felt like I was getting my H back, and now this.

The shrink has a point. We are not experts, but are here to support you through this. That is what we will do.

I do not know what your H has told the doctor, but you are right, now he has temporarily removed your H's pain. Didn't do much for your pain though. I think I would quickly make an appointment with the Harleys. It is expensive, but they will give expert advice. Sometimes it only takes a few sessions.

The problem as I see it is that you may start losing your love for H. I AM an expert in that. My H's A went on so long, and there were so many lies and betrayals that I don't have any love left for him.

Try this - post a different topic about shrink saying your H should not have to choose, and get some other opinions. But please stick with MB, because we will still help you through this. I promise you that things will get better, you will get better.