</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by m01069:
<strong> Hi,

I am new to this forum, I have been in the emotional needs forum for a couple of weeks. Got H to admit to EA, I suspect PA. How do I put into words that he need to totally stop contact with OW when of course it is a work situation and I read that "even if he has to change jobs". My outlook is if I TRIED to demand trying to find another job, that is just asking for him to carry resentment. It has taken 4 years of continuous schooling and training to arrive at the position. Now, that is something I can't even contemplate.

Do you suggest that I email him the letter from "Escaping the jaws of infidelity, how to avoid an affair?" Or do you think this would put him in the defense?
Thanks </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unless WS is totally repentant you can't tell him anyhing ... it would be LB. If you have no open and honest communication before this mess you are not going to be able to tell WH anything.

You could look down beneath your demand ... the real cause. You don'e feel secure that OW & WH is working together ... I don't blame you. You have to find a way to communicate that to your WH. It is his task to make you feel secure. If H in the military ... talk to the command, they will do something to separate them up.

Now, how is your current situation ? I am sorry I don't have much time to trace back your old posts ... I don't hang aroung EN board.

-rh-

-rh-

Redhat,

Thanks for your reply. Current situation is very confusing. In short, currently, my H is living at home, acting 1/2 way normal?? He's very quiet, withdrawn. Found out of EA a couple of nights ago, he SWEARS he just has an emotional bond to this chick and it hasn't gone any further and never will. He will be friends with her for the rest of his life just like with me!? He says he can't explain this bond, it's just there.

As far as his idea of where him and I are headed, he has no idea. We are on this path now he says, and when we hit a bridge or crossroads we will handle it from there. He says he loves me a lot and cares what happens to me, but does not look forward to coming home to me.

He refuses to kiss me on the lips, just on the forehead. Tells me not to read into it, accept it.

I thought prior to Jan 6, that I was the luckiest girl on earth, I married my best friend, and then he came to me crying that we can't live together anymore and he is not "in love" with me anymore.

I have made "mistakes", lots of LB's prior, unintentionally, brought his Love Bank to -100000
I have read this site and making my improvements, but he only sees me in the "mother, household" setting. I feel he isn't really seeing my improvements. But he says at this time, he does not want to "go out with me". That's pretty sad, when I can't even get a date with my own H (and I thought the teenage years were bad!!!)

Had oral 'you know what' the other night, I initiated, he stopped it at oral, he liked (no kidding). I was thinking of pushing for the 'real deal' tonight? I have to feel him out, he worked today and is working outside right now and it's only 5 degrees out, he might be too tired.

Advise greatly appreciated

Since you know what LB to avoid by now ... you should also look into plan A. Fillin as much as you can his ENs.

I don't alarm you but PA has happened.

Focus on plan A !.

-rh-

REDHAT, I spoke with him tonight and he SWEARS that no PA has or will take place. I am really with no opinion on it, so I have to give him benefit of the doubt.

He has started reading this site. I'm just a little pessimistic though. He is so set on the fact that he loves me very much, and cares for me, which I know he does or else he wouldn't still be here, but he is so hung on the fact that he has lost that "gotta be with you, in love" feeling. My H is very stubborn when he gets anything to do with emotions in his noggen. If he likes someone, there is nothing anyone can say or do to change that and I am afraid the same will go with his "lost love" feeling. I am afraid that he is searching for that "new love" feeling that you have at the very beginning of the relationship which is impossible to recover, do you agree? I mean, I would LOVE to be 15 years younger and with that "new love" feeling too. But, in reality I am 15 years older with that "love" feeling, commitment, contentment.

m01069,

I disagree completely about in-love could not come back .... you could make it better!.

This is where MB comes ... in-love could be recreated. How ? 4 gifts of love. Care (ENs), Protect (LBs), Radical Honesty, and Time spend together.

You need to read HNHN ...

Also if your H is willing, why not getting MC w/ MB ?.

-rh-

RedHat

You are so helpful, thanks. I did buy HNHN. LOVE THAT BOOK. Right now H says I need to work on ME not us. Last night I innocently asked him if he could Swear to me that he will stay faithful to me while we are still married. He could not promise that. I tried to explain the fact that "I am sorry, but that is something I can't accept". He wouldn't back down. I came to wits end and looked him right in the eyes and told him to get out, my white flag is up, I give up. I was very sincere, honest. He wouldn't leave because he "promised" me, my mother and sister that he would not leave the house, he would stay and support the kids and myself.

I need to study the LB's real hard. I don't know where to turn from here. My H says he will not even consider starting to work on us until I complete working on me. I am having a hard time finding a phych. Went to see two already. The first asked me why I was still hanging around, and the other gave me 20 minutes (she was running late) to explain my situation and then asked me "what do you want to do?"

m01069,

I agree w/ your shrinks. You need to sit back and think if you want to salvage this M or not. There are a lot of work, pain and heartache ahead and your M might not survive.

You are frustrated now since you missapplied plan A. However reflect yourself on what you want to do first. Is he worth the fight ? Even he is not you still should do plan A/B for your won sake.

Look at history of your M. If there is no A ... would you M your WH ?.

-rh-

Redhat, HELP

My H wouldn't admit to A, but I am 99.9% sure. He is messing with my head sooooo bad. I told him not to come home until he can commit 100% to this marriage/family. WHAT DO I DO REDHAT?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by m01069:
<strong> Redhat, HELP

My H wouldn't admit to A, but I am 99.9% sure. He is messing with my head sooooo bad. I told him not to come home until he can commit 100% to this marriage/family. WHAT DO I DO REDHAT? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is more like what do you want to do ?. You did already kick him out ... make sure you stick with what you had told him. Read a book "Love must be tough" by J Dobson. Follow it.

You can't do plan A since I assume you have not done it properly or no plan A yet. So you can't do plan B ... Follow tough love, this is what you just did to him.

Get you life together ... focus on what if he doesn't come back ... how do you live your life ?. By then if your WH wants to join you you are in a better position.

-rh-

I tried to follow plan A. Asked him to cut ties with his female friends, he said "No, they are friends for life"

I said "I respect that about you, and as long as you can stay faithful to this marriage, I am all right with that"

H says "I can't make a promise I don't know if I can keep"

I've been trying to meet EN's, he won't let me know what they are. H says "You have to figure that out yourself"

When I try something nice, like cook him a lunch, which I did do before on occasion, H says "Don't do that, you are trying too hard"

The only time he would give me a "sincere" hug would be when I was an emotional wreck, he would hug me and say "Everything will be just fine, you'll see" but as soon as I was strong, confident, he could barely look at me.

Maybe he "needs me to need him?" I have always been independent because he works so much I thought that was a good thing. I'm not your lazy wife that's afraid to get her hands dirty, but on the same hand I keep a very clean house, cook very well, and take care of all domesticate responsibilities plus I work part time bringing in some extra dough, all with two kids. I thought I was supporting him working. I see too often a guy who works a million hours to come home to a wife that will only take care of the inside of the house (if that), and I always thought "How can she do that?"

My family that knows about this say that they thought I was going to be the one to break because I carry so much on my shoulders, and I always said "I dealt with it"

I want so bad to call him, but I know I can't now. How long do I suffer through Plan B? But this is better than his cold shoulder when I am confident, and the warm sincere hugs and kisses when I am losing my mind which usually closely follows his cold shoulder.

m01069,
There is no plan A w/o plan B. You should keep the comunication open and normal but I would not call him. You have done enough.

-rh-