I came home from work Monday to find that my WW had packed bags for her and our 2 y/o daughter, withdrew the last $120 from our primary checking account, and left. No note, no warning, and she wouldn't answer my cell phone calls. I had suspected that the OM was in town over the weekend, so I deduced that they ran off together. When she finally called me back, she said she felt trapped, had to get away for a few weeks, she didn't know where she was going or how many weeks she would be gone, but that when she returned one of us would have to leave. I told her that she needed to return our D. She said I could talk to her on the phone later, but she is with her, and she couldn't bring her back.

Having been in Plan A for two months but not yet exposed the affair to anyone, I called her parents, my parents, and two close friends of ours to expose the whole situation, and to ask for their prayers (for her and our D's safety, and for wisdom to return home).

After tracking her credit card payments, she has gone to Virginia to be with OM. He can't bring her home, since he's still married, so they're staying in a hotel there. She has one of our vehicles, and very little cash. We can't afford a 2-3 week hotel stay, and he doesn't have the resources to support her either.

She called me today, and she was furious that I told everyone. She told me that it was just a vacation, and that we would divorce when she returned. Yet she still refuses to allow me to contact our D.

I've got to get my D away from the OM, and I haven't decided the best way to do this. I could go Amber-Alert on her, but I'm not sure I want to do that. I could ask her to let me come retrieve our D, but I don't know this man. He may get violent when I arrive. I don't want go get daughter to punish my WW. I want to protect my D from the OM. He's incredibly unstable.

I'm having a hard time thinking rationally, with my emotions flying. I'm hurting, I'm angry, I'm worried about my D, I'm happy it's finally over, I worried that it might not be over (what would I do if she came back groveling?)

I just don't know what to do next. I think I am going to ask her if I can come get our D this weekend.

I need advice!!! HELP!!!


Thanks,
Dying_in_Dallas


P.S. Thanks again for your kindness. This community is just unbelieveable ...

I think you should cancel the credit cards and go get your daughter.

Wow....what a deal.

How did her family respond when you told them? Do you know anyone back in the area where she is now who could check on your daughter?

Heart goes out to you.....

Jesus. What a story.

Now.

Put down the computer, pick up the phone, and call the police. Your wife has disappeared with your daughter. I know you don't like this part, but you need to call the police RIGHT NOW.

I happen to be in the DC area, which is right next door to Virginia. I have an extraordinary attorney with ties all over the place and I bet she could help you with your daughter.

She is NOT a proponent of MarriageBuilders. However, right now the important part isn't your marriage, it's protecting your daughter from a very, very dangerous situation. Please, please e-mail me at justj_mb@yahoo.com and I'll get in touch with her to find out what resources there are for you to use.

AFTER you call the police.

Thanks for the advice, gang.

Her family is just crushed that she would do something like this. They're worried, too.

I am going to call her tonight and tell her that I am coming this weekend to get our D. If she refuses to let me do this, I will have to go legal. I think she may be willing to be decent and civil about it, and I want to give her a chance to return our D of her own free will. Despite this turn of events, I still love her and want the best for her. I would hate for her to have a felony on her permanent record (and to possibly to go federal prison), but I can't leave my daughter with this man.

When I go there, I will also be delivering a Plan B letter and cutting off the money. (she already maxed out her credit card, the checking account is still overdrawn, and I've opened my own checking account.) I'll tell her that when she's ready to come home I will pay off her credit card bill so she will have gas/hotel travel money.

This will be the toughest part of my whole ordeal. I can live with divorce, custody fights, etc., but her temporary insanity is too much to bear.


Thanks for your advice and prayers,
Dying_in_Dallas

Dying, just a bit of info, since there is no divorce decree stating who is the custodial parent there would be no criminal charges to be brought against her. Your best bet is to get a legal document outlining the custody issue while you and her are seperated, otherwise you have nothing.

If you go there with the expectations of her turning your d over to you and she does not you have nothing to fall back on, get the documentation and present it to her when she refuses.

I am not being sarcastic, but I dont see how she is going to be cooperative while she is with the OP, remember the fog thing?, she is not thinking of anyones concerns at the moment but her own.

And most of all, I would call a local police juristiction when you arrive, two reasons, it protects you against any false claims she will make in your attempt to get your daughter, and two, if the OP is of the violent nature, well the rest is self explanatory, good luck to ya.

DaRookie

Hi Dallas,

I just wanted to add,don't tell WW that you are standing by waiting to pay off her bills when and if she returns home.She needs to experinece the hard earned consequences of being "bankrupt".If that is her main conflict then she will come back for the wrong reasons.JMHO.

Also,I agree that if I were you,I would give WW a "headsup" and say that you are prepared to take legal action( and even notify the authorities) against her if she does not return your daughter,this will give her a chance to avoid some serious action taken upon her(kidnapping?) like you thought about.

I also agree what rookie said,call the police ahead of time to find out your rights and how to best handle the situation.

Oh boy.I hope everything turns out ok.Hopefully your WW will get a grip and let you talk to your daughter and calm down.Keep us posted.

O

Dallas, another thought -- why not just go to the hotel and pick up your daughter, without giving your wife any hint of what you're going to be up to? I think a conversation with the local police is a wonderful idea, so that you don't get yourself in trouble, but why warn your wife? That might well give her the opportunity to disappear, which you don't want.

I really really think you need some professional advice here. I know you're broke, but dang it, there must be a legal service that provides this kind of support for free. Please get in touch with me so I can ask my attorney how to help you.

Dying,
We're certainly all here to help, but I think you need to call a lawyer who practices in family law first thing in the morning. If you explain your situation, they may be willing to be flexible with payment terms. Any family members who could help with money? The lawyer will help you with a plan, and then you follow the plan. The lawyer will let you know what kind of police intervention is required. Stay strong and pray for patience and wisdom. You're not alone, God hears all of our prayers. Things will work out with your daughter.

Get the legal papers BEFORE you go, I was a shift supervisor on a police dept w/28 years on, without paperwork, you have no recourse. The locals will simply advise you that you NEED paperwork signed by a judge before they will get involved, otherwise you are spinning your wheels and YOU might be the one wearing the bracelots if she makes a complaint against you, please do this, I have been involved in several situations like you are describing, take care of yourself legally.

DaRookie

Don't confront your W alone. Go with a friend or relative if needed. You can ask the local police in that area for a civil standby. This will allow them to send an officer with you. Let them know you are requesting this for the safety of your daughter. Do not underestimate the OM or the Ws.

take care,
L.

Dying-

My heart goes out to you. Please think, be calm and rational. First, unless there are court orders in place, there is nothing, repeat, nothing that can stop one parent from taking a child with them on a trip or vacation.

I believe you do need to see an attorney by not for a divorce, not yet. You need to figure out how to protect your daughter and get some time with her. A lawyer can help you with that. Don't take the first one you call. Interview several if you can make the time. And why not make the time for something so important?

It doesn't sound like you want to end the marriage. Be careful about letting a lawyer push you that direction too fast. Most I've encountered want to do that. I think you can find an attorney that will work with you.

There is a national organization you might want to contact, The American Coalition for Fathers and Children. They advocate father's rights and the importance of fathers in their childrens lives. They might be able to give you some further advice. The contact information is,

Contact ACFC at:
1718 M. St. NW #187 Washington, DC 20036

Telephone: 800 978-3237, Facsimile: 949 859-1514

I agree with others about cutting off her access to your money. That just enables her. Like not exposing the affair enabled her. Enough is enough. You should go visit your daughter. You don't need to call ahead to visit your daughter. Why do that? If you go without your own support and/or court orders, your wife could set you up big time for making trouble though. You don't want to appear confrontational. That will only work against you.

To be honest, I don't know about what kind of Plan A you have been in for the last two months but I think you needed some help with it. Not exposing the affair was a mistake in my opinion. I think you need to move to a Plan B now but you should seek out professional advice on this like from Cerri over on JFO or her website, saveyourmarriagecentral.com

Good luck. You don't have to do this alone. Get help from your family, her family, and those who promised to help support your marriage.

HoFS

<small>[ January 29, 2004, 08:42 AM: Message edited by: HofFenceSitter ]</small>

I think that you should put serious thought into using the credit cards to track her.

Gotta love the age of instant information. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Oh, just saw that you know how to contact her. Cancel the credit cards immediately.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would hate for her to have a felony on her permanent record (and to possibly to go federal prison), but I can't leave my daughter with this man. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good grief. Listen, I'll tell you what Jenn Harley Chalmers told me. If you don't believe me, call her yourself and shell out $200 to hear it again.

When your spouse does criminally actionable things, you need to report it and hold them accountable. With making decisions like this, she takes upon herself responsibility for the ramifications of her actions. Protecting her from the ramifications of her actions (SUCH AS NOT EXPOSING THE AFFAIR) is enabling her to continue with these actions.

<small>[ January 29, 2004, 09:12 AM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

Bump
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

i think that you should cancil your credit cards and file kindnapping charges against your wife! she has NO right to take you children away and move them to another state...NONE!

further, if she feels that she can come back and demand that you move out, i would disabuse her of this notion forth with! what nerve!

i would tell her in no uncertain terms that there is nothing to discuss until your children are returned to their home.
coach

Thanks again for the advice, gang.

I spoke with my WW yesterday, and she said that she's okay, our D is okay. I told her that the money was gone, she'd get no more, and I also told her that our D needed to come home. I presented her with several several reasons why our D needed to come home (her instability, their lack of money, our D is ill (constipation) and in a strange place, that the OM is unstable and I don't trust him with our D, etc.). I also gave her several options of how it could be done (they could bring her home, I could come get her, her parents could pick her up, etc.) I told her to think about how she wanted to get her home, and to call me later.

Today, the OM called, furious that "I have been making up BS about him." He told me that the girls were okay, that he would bring them home soon, that he was not financially unstable, they had money, etc. He was basically refuting every reason that I wanted our D to come home.

Then, he threatened me physically. He said that when he brought the girls back home that he wanted to confront me regarding the lies I'm spreading about him, and that we could settle it any way I wanted to. He also said that if I spread any more lies about him to her family that "we will take it outside and settle this man-to-man, big-time."

After this, he handed the phone to my W, and I made sure she was okay. She told me that they would be coming home soon, I told her that I needed to know exactly when, and she said she would figure it out with the OM and call me back.

What a day ...

Now, for what's next. Here's what I'm thinking. If they won't return within an acceptable timeframe, I will call authorities. I will tell her that when they return, they need to get their own place (they're not welcome in my home). I will be fighting for full custody. I will also get a restraining order to keep him away from me and my D.

Any more ideas would be welcome. I need some time to cool down, as I'm furious, scared, worried for my D, etc. I will be seeing a lawyer Monday morning to get things going.


Thanks for the support,
Dying_in_Dallas

Hi dallas,

I guess if I were in your shoes,I would have "demanded" to know right then on the phone when they would return your daughter and not give them extra time to plan.But,I hope you get an answer soon.And,it's too bad that you don't have a tape recorder to tape that discussion from OM on the phone.At least make sure that if you get the legal path going that you remark on his threats to hurt you.

This is getting UGLY.Geeze.I would be freaking out if it were my daughter.I am already so mad at my own WH but if he pulled something like that on me,LOOK OUT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Definitely get that restraining order on that OM.Now I am thinking what if they take off.Would they really be that stupid and irresponsible?? Maybe you should just call the authorities and get whatever you need to go and get D.I know someone else mentioned needing a court order but that could take days potentially couldn't it?


Let us know if you hear from your WW tonight.

O

Originally posted by Dying_in_Dallas:

"Then, he threatened me physically."


"Here's what I'm thinking. If they won't return within an acceptable timeframe, I will call authorities."

OK .... here's your time frame >10 seconds< .... now, time's up!

You got threats from this man ..... and just why the hell are you waiting to protect your child?

He is NOT a stable man .... and he is with YOUR child .... he could be a violent man!

Please.... call authorities NOW.

Start with child protective services.... make a call and tell them your child is with your wife's OM who is making violent threats.

Ask the CPS if they think your child might be in danger.... the risk with this is that your child might be taken under protective custody ...

BUT .... in my humble but loud opinion .... YOUR CHILD IS WITH A DANGEROUS MAN WHO CANNOT BE TRUSTED... which is worse? Waiting too long and finding out you were wrong to wait because something happened to your child? or calling authorities now?

Is that acceptable to you on any timeframe?

Then, call the police and file a report.

Pep