I posted a message on Divorce/Divorcing. My H and I have been married for 15 years. After he had 1 affair in the begin. of our M for 2-3 years, he said he never wanted to get involved with anyone else. He wanted to try again. Within the next two months, my father was murderd, and my mom was diagnossed with cancer. She died 6 months later. I did not have the energy to really devote to the M. At the time our son was 4. After mom died, I tried to rekindle our relationship. Our daughter was born, a few years later, but I found that he had another relationship( friendship-claims it was non-sexual)
A few years later, I discovered another affair and this one was serious. He claimed he was "connected" with this one. It recently ended but was seeing someone else as the other relationship ended. WOW, this all sounds so involved.

This last relationship has taken him to Miami with her and several meetings. He claims now that he has not been sexual with her and only calls her. I discovered that he met her in a parking lot two weeks ago to "talk". He was recently in Las Vegas but swears that she was not along.

He loves our two children. He claims he loves me but is not in love with me. I told him that I couldn't live like this anymore and wanted some time away from him. He is in the process of finding a hotel tonight. I feel so guilty. He says that I have not been nice to him and truely I have not but it is because I seek and find out the lies that he tells and the lies hurt.

I know everyone must think I'm insane. He called me two times tonight to ask me if I really wanted him to go to a hotel. I asked him if it was I who was the WW, what would he do? He couldn't answer. I said that I would be DEAD to him by now.

He doesn't think that what he is doing is wrong. He maintains that this is merely a "friendship" and that I am too provincial to undertand that he is a social being. He claims our sex is great, going to dinner with me is great but when it is time to drink, he wants to do that on his own. (I claim that he enjoys this with his younger friends He is 45, they are usually in their 20's)

Some soap opera. Well, he will be out tonight. How long can I let him go. At this time, he doesn't find me nice enough to want to give up his other "friend". He claims there is nothing wrong with him talking and seeing her once in a while. But they talk several times a day, I've seen it on his phone history.

AHHHH!

paris - I just read your story and my heart is breaking for you. You have been through so much in such a short time. You seem to have your head on straight. You must be a very strong woman.

I'm new here but I can tell you that if you hang around long enough someone who has been through this will be along shortly to help you.

I have found a great deal of comfort and support via MB. I hope you do to.

Hang in there. You're doing fine.

I will pray for you and your family.

Heroswife,

Thanks so much for the response. Oddly enough, I came across a thread in another section by a woman who has had a similar experience. Her H has reacted just like mine and is unwilling to get council and help. She too has reached the end of her rope and is seeking strenght and support from others.

I just know that I am supported by many here and even though I haven't entirely given up hope, I finally know(after many years) what I can and cannot accept in a marriage. My H has continually implied that my definition of Marraige (i.e.monogomy) is too narrow. He says that I am not living a realistic life. He says that it is only natural to have an attraction to other women but that I should not be threatened by this because he comes home every night and I am the one he loves.

This is very confusing because although I know if anyone else said that to me, I'd say he was nuts. My H (who I love and care about) says that to me and I want and often do believe him. Hense the confusion.

God is taking me through this for a reason and I know I will survive ( hopefully in one piece!) Thanks for the prayers. All are welcomed.

Originally posted by pariskev2003:

I told him that I couldn't live like this anymore and wanted some time away from him. He is in the process of finding a hotel tonight. I feel so guilty. He says that I have not been nice to him and truely I have not but it is because I seek and find out the lies that he tells and the lies hurt.

One of YOUR main tasks might be to really look at the reasons for your "guilt".

What have you done, what conscious decisions have you made that spat either on your marriage vows or on your husband.... What do you feel guilty for?

DID you have a conversation that looked like this:

"Your infidelity hurts me."

"I must protect myself from further hurt."

"I must have you away from me at least until you stop hurting me."

There is nothing in the above senario that you could possibly feel guilty for...

So, what happened? What did you do that requires "guilt"?

Pep

Pariskev,

I posted to you on the divorced board and I have to get going right now, so I only kinda skimmed your posts here and not sure what to say right now to advise you.

It's difficult for you to think "clearly" on this because you can't be objective about it. You are in the midst of it and it's your marriage, your husband, your life... so yes, you are hearing things your husband says that if it were someone else, you'd think it was nuts... but because it's you and your marriage, it's hard to think rationally and view it objectively.

You are probably not truly insane though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But something like this can certainly reak havoc on both your mind and emotions and cause you to feel as if you are losing both mind and emotions!

No matter how unhappy your husband has been or how "bad" a wife you've been... nothing justifies his choices to commit adultery. NOTHING. There might be reasons, yes, but he is responsible before God for making the conscious CHOICE to have sex with other women while still married to you.

I think his going to a hotel is good. He needs to have some consequences of his actions and it sounds as if there haven't been many? I'm not sure.

Well, I need to go but there's some wise people here on the infedelity boards who can hopefully give you some good, practical, and encouraging counsel.

God bless