After 7 yrs of stable marriage due to H sudden affair and behavior we've separated a month ago...The object of his affection has no intentions to leave family, however she feeds both men with hopes.

No contacts, no letters since then. However, the pain and the uncertainty are present. The MB website says that separation is quite risky, and there should be a plan for reconcilliation. What is the best thing to do?

Izzy S,

Welcome to MB ... sorry you have arrived here with this burden of A. I assume you have read MB and also you read SAA/HNHN. Please do so asap.

Well the risk is you are pushing WH to OW. Now you have to evaluate your situation.

1. What do you think your contribution to this M that open up to A ?.
2. Is OW M ?, 2 men ?
3. Is OW ready to take your WH ... financially ? emotionally ?
4. What is your profile ? aside from M 7 years ? any kids ?.

Remember ... Harley's said that BS should not tolerate A !. You have to said that A is not acceptable !.

-rh-

The marriagebuilders plan is first Plan A, and then Plan B. Read all about it here.

The program really works. Have you let OW's H know what is going on?

Thanks redhat!!!
You are right about the risk of me pushing WH to OW, however situation at home became unbearable...
1. My contribution to this M that open up to A - perhaps I payed more attention to friends, taking my H for granted, although we were toghether everywhere...then come comparisons, demands...but to a very low degree.
2. Yes, OW is married with two kids and there is only a slight chance of something major happening.
3. OW is not sure how to proceed, afraid to separate kids and leave, however she claims that there is this great romance with my H (plus, of course, financial stability)and gives him hopes for the far future.
4. Profile: H & me - 30 & 34. No kids.

Thanks believer.

I have let OW's H know what is going on. They are working on saving their M for the sake of the kids, plus in both families there are no major problems that usually lead to A.

Yes, we went through plan A, engaged in conversations and explanations, however my H reactions forced us to go to B. What to expect?

Izzy S,

Plan A is for you and WH actually are not suppose to know what you are doing but seeing your changes. If you discuss plan A w/ WH ... it is not plan A at all. It is call working on M together ... & poja.

Is there any contact right now ?. How is your WH's attitude toward M and you ?

-rh-

Thank you, redhat, for the support.

Currently, there is no contact between us...last time we talked about marriage this woman ensured him that it is over between them and he tried to reconcile but then she contacted him again and ruined all that...this confused him further and whatever he said was in anger, certainly not clear thinking.

I get the feeling that he has feelings towards me but also confusion in this new setting.

<small>[ February 04, 2004, 06:34 PM: Message edited by: Izzy S ]</small>

Izzy S,

This is not normal situation ... I would suggest you to call MB but I will give you my 2¢.

Plan B WH!. Why ? Right now your WH try to decide and also he is not letting you to plan A'ng him. This is the best time !. Let him choose. Write plan B letter and hand it to him ... tell him that he has to be 100% commited to M and NC to OW !.

If you give time to OW/WH ... they will figure something out sooner or later ... surprised them. Also let people that close to both of you knows what is going on ...

-rh-

You are so right, redhat, but everyone around us knows already.
The only problem is that H is not ready to agree to NC with OW yet. His pride is an obstacle. Even if he wants to come back at one point, he may not know how to do it.

Do you know how much time does it take for an affair to end after it is out in the open? The MB site says about 6 months.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Izzy S:
<strong>Do you know how much time does it take for an affair to end after it is out in the open? The MB site says about 6 months. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK ... you need to hand him a letter ... PLAN B Letter !. w/o it he might not know exactly where you are.

How long ? ... my exW's A happened in 1996 then in 2001, she had contact while we were vacationing in Hawaii 6 month after D-day#1 !. She is still with OM.

However their A is breaking down ... why ? Financial ... I did Dv Financing and it takes affect about 6-7 months ago.

It depends ... it depends how skill full OW is. It depends on the external situation such as Financial, Friends & Family.

AVERAGE A IS 2-2.5 YEARS !. If they survive the first 3 months (for WH) and 6 months (for WW) ... the chances of getting back is declining tremendously. If they kept going w/ A ... and not get M before 2-2.5 ... usually their A is dying down. The key in here is thowing as much pressure to A ... the more the better !.

-rh-

redhat, please tell me more specifically about the PLAN B Letter, to avoid a mistake. H knows where I live, and we have the same circle of friends...

OW is quite skillful and turns my negatives into her positives. I have the feeling she uses my H to boost her ego and cause jelousy in her H.

WOW! 2-2.5 YEARS sounds a lot!!! How did you cope in your case? What kind of pressure do you suggest? I am afraid that with some people pressure makes them committ even more sin.

redhat, please tell me more specifically about the PLAN B Letter, to avoid a mistake.
You should read “Surviving An Affair” by Dr Willard Harley before you do much more.

Izzy S,

I assumed you read basic concept and have read SAA/HNHN. Please do so ASAP.

Plan B letter you could get sample by searching. I think someone has a collection thread of plan B sample in GQII.

Let A out in the open ... A is still considered norm violation here in US. Help out to put financial pressure to A ... let H take care of 2 househod than just one. Let H missed you by plan B. Let OW LB'ng.

-rh-

Dear redhat,

Yes, I have read basic concepts many, many times. The content is written so logically and so wisely. And before the day of separation I gave my husband a letter (a final balance) outlining how much he means to me and that clearly I see my mistakes, his confusion and that he needs time, without blaming him for anything. After that we stopped contact. So can I assume that this is similar to B letter?

Sorry, could you tell me what "LB'ng" is.

Thank you so much, Izzy S

Yes, I have read basic concepts many, many times.
That is good.

But have you read the book, "Surviving An Affair" by Dr Willard Harley?

Not just the concepts on this web site but the actual book?
You really should read the book before doing Plan B. There is a sample Plan B letter in the book.

<small>[ February 05, 2004, 11:30 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Sounds good, Chris. Could you tell me more about the book from your understanding? Is there one thing that a person should do or it is more complex? We went fast through developments and finally separation, so I am kind of out of the game and it seems that nothing else depends on me...except patience.

The book describes everything that happens and what should happen.
It gives a couple of scenarios and how things are dealt with by each person.
The book is the overall picture and the website is more detailed.

There is no sense learning how to run a football play if you don't know what the game of football is about.

Interesting comparison. I will see if I can find the book. Thanks.