Refresher
I have posts in just found out.
W is with OM, old friends about 15 years ago and they got reaquainted about 2.5 mos ago
he's married with 3 children, him and his wife are filing for separation, she knows about A as well.
I found out about 2 weeks ago.
W Says she is numb towards me, That I didn't feel her needs. vice versa. no abuse no swearing no financial trouvles, just didn't communicate very well about the small problems and got into some bad habits and got into that cycle.
Our house is up for sale.
I have been on pLAN A for about 3 weeks and we are still living together in the meantime.
She's still committed to not giving us a chance.
Is it time to go to Plan B, I feel plan Aing for any longer is making me look like a spineless Jellyfish and maybe she's losing more respect for me by hanging around.

Thanks any input is much appreciated
I'm hurtin really bad and truly love her.

You need to Plan A for several more months if possible. You need to show her that there is a way back to you.

Later you can go to Plan B. Stick with the program here. It works.

sevral months ?
I better hope for a long closing on the house sale because at that time it will be Plan B regardless, And not because I chose it but because we had no choice but to go our separate ways.
Does this sound like backfiring plan B.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by HRB:
<strong>I have been on pLAN A for about 3 weeks and we are still living together in the meantime.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan A is not for sissy ... and it takes gut and courage to do it ... it is not for everyone.

What is plan A to you ?. It is for you to show to W that you could change. Don't need to do changes to her but to show her that you are capable.

If she reject affections ... well, you could give it to your kids ...
DROP ALL YOUR BAD HABIT !.
It is a narrow focus on specific actions to show WW that you could change. Don't need to tell her that you are doing it ... show her.

Now ... you don't need to talk R or demand anything ... let her action be!. Focus on your actions.

Could you delay the sale of the house ?.

Does A out in the open ?

-rh-

Thanks redhat for the advise and the kick in the butt I needed it.
Nothing ventured nothing gained.
Yes I agree, I shouldn't be too concerned about her not returning any feelings even though I'm giving them out, something I have to get use too during this.
Unfortunately the sale does not look it can be delayed, but I'll think hard about it.
What do you mean when u asked
Does A out in the open ?
If you mean - do family friends know - Then yes.

HRB,

Yeap I am saking about if anyone knows about her A. You had answered it.

You see home is important for women when that is gone she has less reason to come back. However if it went too far just let it go.

Meanwhile do plan A.

-rh-

Redhat
So wouldn't it makes sense to do Plan B before the house closing ?

Plan A is not meant to be carried out for several months. It is meant to show the betraying spouse that life can be good if she commits to the marriage. Even Dr.Harley states that most marriages cannot be saved until Plan B is implemented. Furthermore, Plan A cannot work as long as there is an ongoing affair.

If you are gonna write what Harley thinks, at least be close.

Plan A is not meant to be carried out for several months.
“Jon agreed to a six month time limit (for Plan A) , which is about average for most of the couples I counsel in his position.”
page 76, “Surviving An Affair”

It is meant to show the betraying spouse that life can be good if she commits to the marriage.
That is not the purpose of Plan A.
“Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. “
[Url=http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html]What Are Plan A and Plan B?[/b]
Even Dr.Harley states that most marriages cannot be saved until Plan B is implemented.
Where is that?

Furthermore, Plan A cannot work as long as there is an ongoing affair.
Huh?
You should do Plan A if there is an affair. Why do something if it will not work (because an affair is ongoing)?
So when would you recommend to do Plan A?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by HRB:
<strong> Redhat
So wouldn't it makes sense to do Plan B before the house closing ? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is your call and I would recomended to get MB counseling to help you out. I can't possibly look at the little posts that we have and suggest you definitly for plan B now. My suggestion is plan A w/ your guts and the moment you move ou of the house you hand in plan B letter. Maximize the time you have now ... that is why it might be beneficial to delay it.

Is there a lot of equity in the house ?. The reason I ask is that they might count on using that $ to finance their A. If you could delay it .. the more pressure you throw at A.

-rh-

Redhat=
About 140 K in equity

The wife was in foul mood tonight not even herself. Totally not her
Some very nasty comments:
example she said to me 'her and the other man plan on getting their own once ours closes.'
and
If I wanted the good car this weekend would it be alright if OM picked her at our house.

She's off her rocker, she's known this guys for 2 mos. who she hasn't seen in 15 years.
I can imagine the $ he's going to be dishin out with a wife that does not and 3 kids.

Yesh

Yesh,

Don't take it personally whatever she said right now .. "God forgive them for what they have done since they don't know what they are doing".

She said it in the high of dopomine (sp?) or A ... stay focus and write plan B letter ... please.

-rh-

I've been seriously thinking.
I beleive I can keep the house and give the wifey her equity.

A couple reasons for this
I love my house, put a lot into it and friends are close by.
I'm not in the moood right now to find a new place to live
Any possible backlash here from the W once I tell her this is what I want to do.

BiG deposit or LB ?

I think its' positive, but God only knows how she'll perceive it.

Keep the house if you can and you love it. Then she will have a place to come back to. Let's face it, she is likely to come back. This will be an expensive mistake, but you can't do anything about it.

Don't worry what she thinks, she is temp. insane. Just continue in Plan A, and be nice to her, no matter how mean she acts.

My H is a roommate in a house with 2 other guys. He is hardly ever home, and is helping to pay off the mortgage with his rent. You might try something like that if you cannot afford it alone.

Yeah I thought it was the right thing to do as well

Since Valentine's what gifts are appropriate for WS that are commited to the OM.

I thinking something sincere and personal. Any one have any great ideas for people Plan Aing.

Thanks

HRB -

I found MB looking for assistance with my H's A. I wondered if there would ever come a day when I could give back to the people on this site that have given so much to me.

Today when I read your post I knew I could help.

If you are Plan A'n your tush off and want to give a good Valentine's gift I'm here to help.

I'd give anything if my H would be as thoughtful as I am.

I would recommend that you look back into your past with your wife. Think of something that you did together that she enjoyed. Maybe a trip to the beach with the kids (not sure you even have kids). It has to be a place where you went together that she really enjoyed. See if you can find something to remind her of that trip. Something that will bring back the memories of how happy she was then and that she was with you. Maybe this will lift the FOG...even for just a moment.

If you cannot think of a trip try to think of a time in your past when your W was happy...go as far back as you can because that will increase the level of thought put into the gift. Try to think of something that will remind of her this time. I do not know your W so I cannot provide examples or I would. If you can think of something but cannot decide on a gift just post back here and I'll help you. I am sooo gifted in this area and spend a great deal of time helping my friends with such tasks.


And please know that Plan A is not for the weak. It's for those people that care enough about their M to stick it out even when they do not want to. Wimps give up.....Warriors Plan A! Don't forget that.

Don't give up on plan A and keep your house if you want to. It might make it easier for your W to come back. And she will be back.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Thanks Heroswife -
what a great idea, I'm going to go through our pics tonight and I sure I'll come up with the ultimate gift, lots of good times.

I'm planning to re finance the mortgage so I can keep it.

What do I do if the W indicates she wants to stay in the house with her other once I approach her with this idea ? I have been picking up signs that she may do this.

HRB -

I'd look to Believer for a suggestion on that question. I'm not sure I would have the strength to do that. I guess it would depend on how comfortable you would be with having the OM living in your house. That would be a tough one.

My initial response is....your W wants to sell the house. You have found a way to not sell the house and still give her the money she would net otherwise. Have you made her that offer?

I would be hesitant to move out and let the OM move in. But I'm not an expert by any means. I'm trying to make it to recovery myself right now.

I know your head is probably muddled and you probably do not know which way you are going half the time. I can completely relate. Speak to a lawyer and find out what your options are so you'll be prepared to make the right decision. I know you want your M to work and I'm sure it will but you have to make sound decisions right now and with all the emotions involved it would help to understand the legal side of everything.

You sound like a strong person. You are doing the right thing here. Hang in there.

I have an appointments lined to discuss with bank and lawyer.

And then I'll have a talk with her.

I'm anticpating the worse, that she comes back and wants the house w the OM.

Do I give her her own way.
I don't think I stick to mu guns.
I don't feel this is an LB.

Any other views ?

HRB -

I do not think I understand what you are saying. Do you mean that you think you should give her 'her way' by giving her the house to live in with the OM?

One of the first stories in Surviving an Affair details a couple where the WW left her H for another man. The H gave the WW financial support so she could have her own apartment. Long story short she eventually went back to her H and asked him to leave the house. Legally he was obligated to give it to her for the children. Later the WW came back to the H and they were able to make it into recovery. It was probably the most difficult Plan A/Plan B I've ever read about. I would suggest you read this book if you haven't and if you have go back and read about this couple. I think it will help you a great deal.

Speak with your lawyer to determine your rights. Your lawyer will protect your interests.

Take a look at the future. Plan A until Plan B is unavoidable. Then just remember that she is still wearing the blinders of the A and needs good thoughts of you in her mind at all times.