I have posted on Divorced/Divorcing as well as Plan A Plan B. I appreciated the responses from many of you. A brief synopsis: BS, me 46 WH 45 married 15 years two children 13 and 8. He has had a series of affairs. Most recently, 21 year old who he met at work.

S. Harley made some terrific points. The first he addressed was that my H has a feeling of entitlement. H acts as if he is entitled to his behavior. H has said to me in the past that,1. these A's are no big deal. 2. claims there is nothing going on. 3. It is a form of entertainment.

S. Harley also went on to say that H is playing by the singles tennis game instead of a doubles match. Instead of taking my feelings into account, H goes and does what he wants without taking my hurt feelings into account saying that H lacks a developed a sense of empathy for others.

Although H currently denies relationship and calls this a friendship only, I have seen her phone # on his phone history for many months. He has taken her to Miami and most recently I found out that they were seen sitting in a parking lot talking for about an hour.

H refuses to admit to anything. He gets verbally abusive and emotionally abusive when I confront him. He is the nicest guy when I let him do his thing.

When I asked S. H. what to do, he said that my main objective is to think TEAM. I need to encourage H to realize that we need to be on the same team in order to have a satisfying rel. He wants me to, without anger, pressure, or any LB's to understand that in order to play on a succesful team, you also need a coach, a marriage counselor, to take us through the steps.

I must tell you, I seem to be a BS that has known an lived with this longer than most here on these boards. My H had his first A in '92-94? Second was an EA in 95 third was EA and PA in 00-03 and current 03 till now.

I must tell you all that during this time he would continue to tell me that whatever I thought was going on had ended. I just wanted and still want to be with him along with our K's that I wanted and want to believe him every time.

Co-addict? Absolutely. Mr. Harley also told me not to blame myself totally. He reminded me that H's behavior was a symptom of the problem of his singles tennis game mentality.

I am so exhausted by waiting for him to stop the merry-go-round. I had hoped that he would get off and stand on solid ground with me much sooner. I admit doing all the LB's around. Making demands, and nagging( only aobut the A's)

Last week, before he went on a trip to Vegas(SUPPOSEDLY ALONE!!!), we had an argument. I said that even his current "friendship" with this OW was not acceptable to me. He said I was trying to control him. He left the house and came back one hour later. The following morning, he went to see an attorney and told me he was filing. When he got back from the office, I was very sweet and he became nice and we never talked about his visit. Two days later he left on his trip. Just before he left, he said he wanted a romantic homecoming. I said I wanted a romantic talk. After he returned he became very amorous. I had had it. I asked him to leave. He is now at a hotel.

When I asked S. H. what to do, he said that I had to look at the big picture and concentrate on how to make the TEAM conept appealing to my H because he has never understood that philosophy.

A most important point that S.H. gave to me is that I have never really connected to my H emotionally, even though this is what I have always wanted. S.H. used the analogy of a wired fence. Each time I want to come close, I get shocked by the electric wire. I am very tired of constant pain caused by the wire.

Please everyone, pray that I find my way through this seemingly endless maze. I believe that everything happens for a purpose and that God has a great plan for me and for all of us who struggle. I just need to know I have tried everything before...

Thanks for reading...

thanks for the update ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> -rh-

I have a question, should I contact her parents? OW is 21 and at this age she only sees the fun, not the pain she is causing. Often, someone older can discuss a different perspective.

I tried to speak with her several months ago. She seemed very sweet. I asked her if she was seeing my H. She said "just as friends". I asked her if she thought that was appropriate seeing as her parents are probably my H's age? She asked me if I would like her to stop seeing my H and I said it was up to her. I told her though that I doubted her sincerity - that her relationship with H seemed more involved and she said that was my problem.

I doubt her parents know anything about this.
I do not know them but know where they live. If my H found out however, he would be VERY angry.

My H will come back home next week because the week is up that I had him move out to give me time to think. I see him each day because we work in the same building. It is not like there is NC.

He wants to take me away for Valentine's day. He just doesn't get my pain. He refuses to acknowledge that his friendship is anything more than just that. He wants me to accept it for what HE says it is...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by pariskev2003:
<strong> I have a question, should I contact her parents? OW is 21 and at this age she only sees the fun, not the pain she is causing. Often, someone older can discuss a different perspective.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ANYTHING THAT PUT PRESSURE TO A ... yes, yes and yes ... ASAP. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-rh-

thanks rh for keeping tabs on me. I feel like I'm drifting in space. I look at my children and look at the awful, suspicious, and frightend person I've become and it makes me so mad and sad.

I have to continue to focus on the fact that what I want is a TEAM. I will tell you and EVERYONE that I am so burned out after all this. H apparently has been and will continue to be selfish about his life. He did say last week that he had given up. He wants me to accept him as he is... and I want him to be a team player.

Does anyone else feel like giving up???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by pariskev2003:
<strong>Does anyone else feel like giving up??? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is normal feeling but you have to seek & find what you want in this mess. If there is not A ... would you marry H over again ?. Probably those are the type of questions that you have to ask yourself.

-rh-