I've posted under Just Found Out but I'm feeling even more hopeless now.

My H of 10 years had an A with his boss. He is n the military and cannot just pick up and leave his job. I'm sure the OW had a great deal to do with getting him this new job even though he won't admit it.

This job will make a huge difference in his career and he is simply not willing to investigate resolving this issue even at the sake of our marriage.

He could be severely punished by the military if I exposed the A. The OW could potentially suffer greater consequences. I've spoken to a Jag officer and a commander of another unit. I completely understand the Military Code of Ethics and I am well versed in what could happen to both of them if this A is exposed.

I have also made both of them very aware of my understanding. In another discussion on this board one MBer called this my Weapon of Mass Destruction.

I've let my H know that if I find out that anything is going on between them now I will drop a bomb the likes of which he has never seen. I know now that I probably shouldn't have said that because I do not know if he is here with me now because he loves me or because he is terrified of what I'll do.

I feel that I should also mention that my husband is a very decorated soldier and that he has been involved in many missions that will go down in history. In the last 2 years we have gone through a lot. We've suffered through wars, the lose of friends and loved ones, the birth of our youngest child who is by far not an easy child. I've chaged careers and my job requires me to travel and is very stressful. During the time this started was the first real time I had left him for a long period of time with our children. It's usually him who's gone and me holding down the fort. Does that have anything to do with this?

Could this be because of Post Traumatic Stress? He was exposed to a great deal of death and lost someone extremely close to him. Could that on top of my being miserable in my job and having a baby that needs constant attention have lead him to do this to us?

I discovered this A in early November. It is now February and we have relocated to her neighborhood and he goes to work with her every single day. I am destroyed inside. My kids (2&9) are sufferring.

My H swears that there is nothing going on. He says he loves me and he appears to be trying now. He has agreed to go get some therapy via MB phone services. He seems willing to do whatever I need to get through this....except try to get a change of duty station.

I have had several angry outbursts in the past few weeks. In one of those I mentioned how his career seems to be all he can think about now but he sure wasn't thinking of that when he decided to have the A. I did threaten to expose the A and he told me that if I did he'd lose his job but at least he would be single and would not have to live like this anymore. He said I am driving him to hate me because I won't let this go and I won't forgive him.

I should mention here that I caught this very early on in the relationship and he has stated that this was never a PA. I'm not sure I believe him about that. I do not believe anything he says. I have contacted the OW. She denied everything. I was very calm and I feel that I did a great job in expressing myself, my anger and my pain. She is also married and has children. Oh and she is about 12 years older than me...what is that all about?

I am hopeless now. I just wanted it to end. I want my life back. A part of me feels like my H is dead and now I'm stuck with this man that would consider leaving his wife and children to be with someone else. Part of me can't stand him but the other part of me loves him very much.

Heroswife,

Isn't it strange how all our lives are so similar? I was reading through your story and couldn't help reliving my first month of d-day (01/01/04). It's only been 1 month and 6 days for me but I have managed to get hold of myself - thanks to all the supporters here in MB.
Just one advise which was passed on to me - never ever lose it - your temper or ever LB your husband! Please read on about Love busters in this site. Why? Because my fiancee said the same thing to me when all I did was be mad, and cry and nag him - he said he doesn't want to live this way which is giving him the reason to leave you.

I would right away jump to Plan A and stay there until you see the results of your behaviour. There is no other way for him but to respond positively and surprising enough, lovingly.

As for revealing the A to his commanders, always remember that the military protects its own. You will not gain anything by doing this except hurting him anymore and pushing him out of the door. Is this what you truly want? Revenge or him back in your life? Think of the greater consequences before you do anything stupid.

Please do a lot of reading here on Plan A/Plan B and Love busters, etc and you will see some flicker of hope at the end of this dark tunnel that we all are in. It is working for me so please stop LBing and be attractive, loving and understanding. Remember he is not a terrible person but a good person who has made terrible choices.

Take care and get hold of yourself and emotions, I know it's not easy but Praying helps too!
God bless,
BF

BF - I thank you for your reply. I was just reading some of your other posts when I realized that you had replied to my post. That's too ironic.

No I do not want to expose the A and destroy everything he has worked for. Everything we have worked for is more like it. He wouldn't have this great career if it were not for me.

I know I am a huge part of his success just as he is a part of my success. We are good people. We are born again Christians and our family is very important to us both. This is just such a surprise.

I am trying to avoid LBs but sometimes it's just impossible for me. I am really trying to focus on myself. I am trying to make myself more attractive to him. I workout like a mad woman even though I'm naturally athletic but I'll admit since our last child I did let myself go. He was at war and I was pretty much a single mother of 2 working full time and volunteering with many different areas of my children's lives. I put all of my focus on my family and none on me.

Now that has changed. I spent a great deal of money to have surgery I had always wanted and that alone has motivated me to stay in the gym. This really relaxes me and I love the way I look.

I've even started baking for him "like a good little wife". I never baked before but he really loves cakes and cookies and pies. My kids like that too.

I've put more effort into keeping the house straight. This has almost made me resentful because he will now leave his dishes next to the couch or on the bar and not even attempt to help me clean up. I work full time and do most of the housework. I think that is he's LB for me.

I do pray. This site has helped me so much. Just reading other's comments and trials makes me feel like I'm not alone.

I want to see the hope. I really do. I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Will it ever end? How am I not supposed to be devastated by this? How am I expected to let it go?

If he has agreed to counseling here with the Harleys, things will get better. Don't do anything until after the counseling.

Most WS's get back with their spouse. Hang on, it's going to be a rough ride.

Heroswife,

You too have an awsome story to tell.

If your H has agreed to do M/C with the Harleys, you are in the best of care. Know that you have come to the best source by contactig them and when you look back, you will know that you played a great role in working on your M.

Pariskev

Heroswife,

I guess you could call me the filpside. It's my W that is in the Army and deployed to Iraq for 1 year. The military does not do near enough to help the spouses. There is a lot of talk and support groups but you know for the most part you have to keep your mouth shut. Get and read Surviving an Affair. You can modifiy plan A to suit your cituation. I have been lucky that my W's commanders found out about her A and moved her. Let your H know that if he is involved in a PA it will be found out without your help and wreck both of thier carriers. Let him know you have been a big part of his military success and he has to be a part of the success of your M.

Many people do not relize the incredible difficulties involved in being a millitary family. I have spent a great deal of my life wondering when the knock will come at my door. Good luck and may God bless you M. One more thing Let you H know Semper Fi is not just for your country but for your family as well.

Deephurt - I am so happy to replied to my post. I totally understand where you are coming from. The military provides us with support groups but then dares us to say a word.

We just went through several deployments in the past 2 years. During those deployments I suffered greatly as did my children. He participated in one of the most televised events of the year. I'm not supposed to speak of it so I won't. It was terrible for both of our families. I remember one night just praying to God to send me a sign to let me know his heart was still beating. I didn't care if he had lost limbs or his eyesight or was disfigured...it didn't matter...I just wanted to know that he had a heartbeat and that he would be coming home to me. I knew some of his friends had been killed and I had no contact with him what so ever. There was no way of knowing and that was terrible. I even went to funerals of people I knew and loved and watch the devastation of their families.

I saw children accept American flags in honor of their father's sacrifice. I watched wives...my friends stand next to a coffin and greet people like it was Thanksgiving Dinner because the shock had not worn off and they were highly medicated.

I watched the news and tried to find identifying marks on the bodies of soldiers that had been killed and for some reason were being shown on the news.

When he came home and we were reunited I felt like I could handle anything God threw at me. I felt a great deal of guilt for the families who would never know the feeling I was having at that moment. I even asked God why did you bring my H home when so many other's were not coming home?

I read the journal he kept while he was over there after D-day. I couldn't read it before that because I wasn't strong enough to deal with the emotions I knew he would express about the loss of his very best friend. After D-day I knew I had to read it. It was amazing the things he said about me. How much he cared for me and how lucky he was to have such a beautiful, smart and caring wife like me. It brought tears to my eyes to know that just 4 months after writing those words he would tell me he didn't love me. He would tell me he didn't want to be with me and our children anymore that we made him miserable. And then to find out about the OW.

It's like I'm in a dream and living someone else's life.

Now I ask God...why did you bring him home just to leave me. Why didn't one of the other soldiers come home that would not have put his family through this? I feel terrible for feeling like that.

It's just not fair.

This has made me hate the military and anything in uniform. I can't stand to see those Go Army commercials. It just makes me sick.

I've even started listening to the Dixie Chicks again. I'm not anti-american by any means but the Army and the military in general remind of this pain and I don't want anything to do with it.

So you think Plan A can be modified to not include NC and still work?

I mean is there a way to salvage my M without ruining his career? I honestly believe that if his career is impacted by this A he will leave me and my children.

But then do I honestly want to consider being wiht a man that would leave his family under any circumstances?

Is this a man I want to raise my children with?

I love him. I really love him and I believe he loves me but made a terrible mistake for what ever reason ....he made a mistake.

He's a good man. Or am I just stupid for having so much faith in him?

heroswife-

I will probably have lots of folks disagreeing with me, but I say give it some time. I know how the military is. Exposure would be devastating.

Also PTSD is a definite possibility. The military doesn't talk about it too much, but I know from my work that it is a huge problem. There are waiting lists to get treatment.

War, like always, requires a lot of sacrifices. Many of those serving came home to broken marriages. Spouses suffered and families suffered.

So if you can find it in your heart, please get counseling with the Harleys. Take your time exposing this at his work. Give him a chance to work on marriage, a chance to return to a normal life.

<small>[ February 09, 2004, 07:27 PM: Message edited by: believer ]</small>

Thank you Believer for giving me hope.

I had considered PTSD but felt like I was giving him an excuse. It was so hard for all of us. He did things over there that will remain with him and with this country for eternity. I know it impacted him because he came home changed.

It changed me as well. We both lost someone very dear to us and being apart made it worse because we each knew the other needed us but were helpless as we had no contact at all until he stepped off the plane.

I will never expose this to the military community. I know it would destroy him because of the amount of respect he would lose from his chain of command.

It's a tough road ahead of me. I just hope I'm strong enough to make it.

Thanks again Believer.

heroswife -
PTSD is not an excuse. It is a real disease. The military tries to play it down. I do volunteer work with mentally ill vets - all the way back to the Korean War. I see lots of Vietnam vets.

Our country would like to forget these men
. They would like to thing that this sydrome is not real. But I know for a fact that it is.

My job is at a Naval Hospital. I can tell you that there are many coming home from Iraq that are having problems. It is not politically correct to talk about it. But the problem is still there.

Why should we send these warfighters out there, and then not take care of them when they come home?

I hope that you will find the strength to come along side your H and help him to recover.

Believer -

I want to help him I really do. I feel guilty for thinking that I'm giving him an excuse with PTSD. I feel like the idiot wife that will do anything to convince herself that her H was out of his mind when he made these decisions.

There's a selfish side of me that wants to say...well what about me? Even though I wasn't on the front line with him I have suffered too. I lost people close to me. I saw the impact on the families.

I lived it everyday. You are supposed to watch the news but we all do. All wives watch the news. We call each other when someone is KIA and we comfort the wives that get the call or the visit from the Chaplin. I was there when our friend was buried and I held his child and spent time with his wife (a very dear friend of mine) and the whole time I was doing that I had no idea if my H still had a heartbeat.

I can't explain the pain and I won't even try to. But when he stepped off of that plane and he put his arms around me I felt guilty that he came home. We cried and held each other tight. I read his journal from Iraq after D-Day. I felt his emotions when he wrote about our family and how much he loves me and our children and how he thought about us every moment of every day. His friends even told me after he came back that we were all he talked about.

Then he comes home and then 3 or 4 months later he tells me he doesn't want to be a part of our family. He doesn't want to be with us anymore. Then I find out he's having an A with his new boss. Even after finding out and having him confess he still says he doesn't want to be with us. Is that FOG? Is that PTSD? This is a woman with a family and this would end his career and he just didn't care.

Now he works with her every single day. And I'm expected to believe that he is over it and that he just made a stupid mistake? He moved us away from our home to a new area and tried to get us to buy a house in her neighborhood. We live very very close to her but not in the same neighborhood. Were our kids supposed to play together? Were his morning runs going to be more than just a run?

It's all too well thought out to be a lapse of judgement.

I love him. He's a good good man and this is sooooo not like him. He's always been very devoted and even when his friends would mess around they would not tell him because he would lose total respect for them. This hid their A's from him because they didn't want to upset him. That's the kind of person he was before Iraq.

Now look at him. How am I supposed to live with this person I don't even know? Someone who would walk out on their family just like that?

heroswife -
My H and I have not gone through anything like you and your H have. So I can't even imagine the pain you are feeling.

I will tell you this. My WH is here this morning wanting to reconcile. He completely abandoned me and lived with OW. I had to file for bankruptcy. He spent his whole paycheck taking trips and wining and dining her.

In the last 10 months we have done nothing together, except for going out for breakfast once. I have seen him for a total of about 20 hours.

Now he wants to work on the MB program. Me? I really don't give a sh&t. But in the back of my mind are my marriage vows. Also as I read the stories here, I see WS's that have left people suffering from illness, left their kids without a look back, done terrible things.

So it seems to me that they all act selfish, and are all the same. They flip out when they are in the throes of infatuation. We MB'ers have a choice, to throw in the towel or believe that this program can work.

Believer -

You are right. They just do not think. It's like something takes over and they forget who they are. I guess in the long run I am being the selfish one by dwelling on this so much.

He's trying to work things out and I'm LoveBust'n all over the place. I'm making this harder for him. I think if he told me he gave up then I would be acting differently now.

I love him and want to be with him. I try to Plan A with all my guts but then I shoot myself in the foot by getting upset and crying.

He seems to have let it go but it's me that is haning on to the A....looking for a reason.

I need to move on and let him move on.

And Believer I can't imagine what kind of pain you are going through. I cannot believe your H left you like that. I look at your situation and I know that if you can do this after all you've been through then so can I. You must be one strong person. I trust you have a strong faith in God. Strength like your's comes from up above.

My H is willing to try and I have to let him. Right now I'm not doing a very good plan A.

Have you been doing Plan A the entire time your H was with the OW? How did you do that? Doesn't it make you hate him. When does your Love Bank run dry?

heroswife-
My lovebank ran dry several months ago. The only thing I'm holding onto now is the commitment I made and the convenant with the Lord and H.

I found MB too late to do a Plan A. WH was already out of the house. I think all of this would not have lasted as long if I did a Plan A. I know how hard it is to do.

What helps me most is pretending WH is crazy. That way I can talk to him without getting hurt and angry.