I have been doing Plan A since I found this site, about 10 days. Before that I was doing my own modified Plan A, but I didn't fully understand LB's and I had angry outbursts. At that time, I told him he could talk to the OW all he wanted, because whenever I demanded he not do that, he got angry. He claims they are just friends now.

He has waffled back and forth about being in contact with me. He moved out 12/31/03, PA D-Day. So, my question is, how on earth can I Plan A when he doesn't communicate with me? He comes to get his boys, sends me quick emails about that, and has the kids call to ask questions when he needs to. I think my angry outbursts in the past have him frightened off. Will it just take time for him to trust that I won't do it again?

I try not to initiate the contact with him, unless it is business (kids, finances, house) because I don't want him to think I am being needy or chasing him. Because I am not needy, and I will not chase him, but I do want our marriage to survive this and become better than ever. I don't want to just drift back together, or drift apart.

By his anger, defensiveness, and his lack of protection for me, I am convinced he is still continuing his EA with her. I do think the PA stopped, because the OW panicked that I was going to tell the whole world, and she is a single mom and this is a small community and she didn't want to lose her daycare kids (runs it out of her home), or get a bad reputation. So she has backed off, but they are still communicating.

WH sent me a letter last week about how he married me for the wrong reasons, too young, he just latched onto the first girl who showed any interest in him, and he convinced himself out of fear that he loved me all these years - and this A (of course he doesn't consider it an A, he thinks it was a mistake, but that they are just friends) finally shead light on his true feelings - that he has never loved me, just his best friend. And I did have an angry outburst about that, but sent him a very short apology for my actions - with no explanation of my actions (see my thread under Just Found Out - "We are separated and he has emotionally divorced me"). So he doesn't want marriage with me, but he won't file for D either.

We have MT tomorrow. I am interested to see how that goes. I am hopeful, and scared to hope. Anyway, any suggestions on what I could/should be doing better/different? I am educating myself, I am reading, I am getting on with my life as best I can. I am growing, and I know I will be OK. I just want to know, with the wealth of experience out there, if anyone has any advice for me. I appreciate your time.

Thank you! Amy

Amy
I'm so glad you found this site so soon after dday. I was four months post dday when I found MB, and unfortunately, my H's A just got deeper and deeper. But, I did implement Plan A for a long time. Still doing it, and we're on the road to recovery. We were separated too, and I like you, didn't hound him with phone calls, etc... As difficult as it was, I waited for him to make contact. And sometimes even tried to make myself unavailable. I know that that often times made him turn to OW, but he was also kind of bothered by the fact that I wasn't just sitting around, waiting for my turn. Also, the more time H spent with OW, the more opportunity for her to lovebust, rather than me. Picture it... He goes to her place after work. But, because we have children together, and I was pregnant with our third, he would call me from her place to check in. But, he would always take the call outside, and that drove her nuts! So, I (choking back the tears), would try to be as pleasant on the phone as possible, because I would only hope she would get mad at him for talking to me. And H told me that they fought about that a lot.

Anyway, I just want to say, that it's still early in the game for you, and your H is still super deep in the fog. Just Plan A as good as you can, no LB. Next month will be a year since my H gave me the old "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech. That's just justification for his really poor decisions. He now knows our M was not bad, and he regrets this whole past year.

I know it's so hard, but keep posting, and keep your chin up!

MOP

Hi Amy,

Does MT = marriage counselling? If so, post how it went. As MOP says, keep on doing Plan A...ignore what he says...if you dwell on it, it just hurts you. Most WS end up denying, forgetting or regretting what they said while having the A!

In fact, my H and I were laughing our heads off yesterday at some of the crazy things he said and did during that time...crazy! Made no sense at all!!! (or as he himself puts it...pathetic!)

That's why people call it the "fog" or say the WS has been abducted by aliens...so try hard to let it slide past you, over you...don't let it stick.

MOP: great to hear from you! And that things continue to go well...keep up YOUR good work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

all the best...awed