Today it is my turn to stay home. A friend also sending her kid over. M. W. a curch friend also send kid over while H was home.

First I took the kids to take passport photos. Then I went to the post office to apply for a passport. It turned out that they need H to be there too. So I called him and he came right a way. But they also need the birth certificates. I drove home to pick them up. They were not home, it took me a while to remember that they are in the safe in the bank. When I was in the bank, the clerk forgot the code after entering the first door, we got stucked between two doors for a while before got rescued. But anyway, it took me almost an hour to get back to the post office and have everything done.

Then we went to the library to pick up Love Must be Tough. Then found out that His Need Her Need is over due. Someone is reserving it. I hope he or she is not in my situation. Drop D to for babysitting.

After coming home, start a little bit of cleaning. Few plants are dying. But I noticed that underneath the dead plants, new ones are coming out. I clean all the dead leaves, abd water them. It may be reflect my M. I am hoping it is the case. I will keep water them now, when it is time, give them fertilizer. Weather is nice. It is been two months since last time it was 40 degrees. I went for a very short walk(5 minutes) while the kids watching TV. I feel pretty good today.

But somewhere under my mind, I still wonder what my H is thinking. Is this real? But he still refuse for MC. How long will this last? He said he wants to get a MBA. He talked about it few times in the past, but never put in action. Why does he all the sudden mention it again. Too many questions to ask. I will just hang in there to my best.

My gut feeling was right. H called around 6pm and again telling me that he will not come home for dinner and stay out very late. I asked hem that whether he needs to work, he said no. He will go out with coworker. He alreagy establish ed a pattern. Whenever I am home, he will go out.

D's mood was changed immediately. She was so upset that Dad is not coming home again. She cried. But I was able to talk her out a little bit. I promise her to take her to a bookstore. But I don't know how long this will last. How can I bribe her every time like this.

My heart is sinking again. But I know that I have to hang in there. I am praying for strength.

Stay with the plan. There will be lots of ups and downs. Check and see if OW is going out late tonight also.

Believer,

Thank you for being so supportive to everyone. I saw your posting to every one who have questions and give then encouragement.

I don't think OW's H is cooperative. I don't want to bother to ask anymore. I want to hire a PI. But the problem is that even I find out the truth, so what? What do I do with it?

Then you let OW's H know that you have proof. Shed some light on the affair. You can even expose H at work. Yes he will be mad, they all are.

I already told OW's H with what I had. I have pages of cell phone bills calling her everyday, hours of talking. Now he hides the phone, I don't know what is shown. They also changed to beeper, not cell any more. I don't have proof for now.

How do I expose him at work? Do I push him away? He kept saying he wants a D, he is staying just for the kids. He will do it later, give them so time for cushion.

OW's H is in deep denial. I would keep a journal and keep the dates, and maybe later show it to OW's H.

In the meantime, stay in Plan A for at least 3 months, then might be time for Plan B.

I really don't want a Plan B. But it may be too early to say. I am praying everyday that thing will get better. i want the real "better", not the fake one.

I am reading Dobson's Love Must be Tough. The first few pages alread make me cry. One example he gave are the sixth grader's assignment with "wish". I wish my parents won't fight and my father would come back. That is exactly how my DD prays every night before bed time. Some times I do question GOD, do you hear her? (I am crying now).

Have you told your daughter that you have a plan? You need to reassure her. Yes God does hear your plea.

Hang in there and fly by the instrument panel. Also how are your drawers doing?

I did tell D that i have a plan and i am working on it. She is too young to understand everything. She keeps asking me everyday, do you resolve your conflict yet?

I feel angry today. I hate him so much. But I control it. It is a long and lonely day again.

Last night, I took my second anti-D. It made me fall asleep till morning without waking up at night. I read Drobson's book, he described that the WS in this situation wanting out, and we the BS should open the door of the cage and let him out. Then they will see what is out there. It made me feel that I should go for Plan B sometime. I will hang in Plan A at leat till we are done with the summer trip to oversea. Then start implementing Plan B. That time, kids are out of school, I will be too.

Continue to reassure your daughter. Spend some time with your children doing fun things. Put your H on the back burner (not literally!), and make changes in you.

<small>[ February 20, 2004, 10:48 AM: Message edited by: believer ]</small>

Believer, You are right.

I feel very very tired today. Maybe it is the anti-D. I have to think of something fun to do with them. They usually don't like going without H.

Just called home. D said H is sleeping. Becasue he didn't come home till 1am last night. Now he is taking a 1/2 day off to sleep. What a mess!

Lost hang in there it is very hard for me also. My WH stays the night at OW house on Fri. night so tonight is extremely hard on me. I am very jittery and just can't sleep on Fri. and Sat. I wish I had some place to go, but I always have the kids.

NY,

I know exatly how you feel. I am trembling and heart breaking now. After hung up the phone with D, I arrived home at about 4pm(EST). S and D was so happy to see me, because they asked their dad whehther they can go to the mall. They thought he meant going together, i thought so too. I said ok. Then he immediately told me that he will leave, tell me to take the kids to the mall. My heart sank right away. Kids were upset and crying. Then his page rang. He left right away. My hear is aching so much. But I can not crying in front of the kids.

I don't know where he is going. I want to hire a PI to find out. Does anyone have any suggestion?

NY, I encourage you to hang in there and I am encouraging myself.

I think I am sinking. Someone please help. This terrible feeling is destroying me. Why does he have to go?

Lost,

Hang in there. We are here for you. Don't sink, swim, swim swim. I know it hurts but you can do it. He has to find out on his own and there is no other way. Keep your chin up. Post, talk. Read my posts and see if you can help me at all. I have different problems that might take your mind off of yours, that is what I do now. I try to concentrate on other things. My WH is coming tomorrow and I don't know how to act around him. We do not live together anymore so plan A is hard. Do I try to kiss him hello? Do I say thank you for the valentines he gave us? Do I have him read SAA book? I don't know what to do anymore either. Lets hang in there together.

NY,

Thanks a lot. I did read your posting and replied. It is ok to be polite and kiss him. It may not be an affectionate kiss. But a regular friendship one is ok. It maust be hard on. What going in my mind now is that I really want a quick D to end all these.

I want to talk to someone. If you can please. We will encourage each other. You are in NY right? I can call after 9pm free. But don't post your phone # here. You can e-mail me at kzmath@hotmail.com.

Lost,

I have emailed you outside of the board you should get it anytime now. Hope to hear from you soon. I hope you calm down a little and things work out for you. I am here if you need me. Keep posting and keep breathing there is light at the end of tunnel they say or clearing of the fog eventually.